Lovelybird Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 One day I heard one sermon, it says: if one doesn't fully develop her own talents, potentials, and just be lazy and stay in fear, then this one probably will be jealousy toward others' success. I think some of OW probably are this way, being jealousy of what other wives have. "Love" is motivated by many factors, but only one is true love, that is the love is motivated by considering and trying to help him to be a more free and decent person. An affair simply doesn't fit the bill. How can one trully love a man when she knows that affair deteriorate his integrity? split his family and children? Maybe most of love is selfishness and self validation, come out of a ego
califnan Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 My point is that the married man shows the woman he wants to have an affair with a very different "charming" side of himself than he is showing his wife at home... --------------------- I think he is just as charming and mannerly to her - she just sees more sides of him ? But when they were single and dating, maybe he wasn't as relaxed and confident - as he was after marriage ?
Getting_stronger Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 This is all really interesting to me. As shallow as it sounds maybe a small part of me wanted to give him better sex, better friendship, better fun, than his wife. Why I dont know, but it may be a tad true- how sad and pathetic that sounds.
Lovelybird Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 This is all really interesting to me. As shallow as it sounds maybe a small part of me wanted to give him better sex, better friendship, better fun, than his wife. Why I dont know, but it may be a tad true- how sad and pathetic that sounds. if this will cost you $ 8 millions, will you still want this?
Spark1111 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 This is all really interesting to me. As shallow as it sounds maybe a small part of me wanted to give him better sex, better friendship, better fun, than his wife. Why I dont know, but it may be a tad true- how sad and pathetic that sounds. How honest that sounds....especially when so many claim there is no competition with the spouse. I would imagine that "Love me, love be best," CAN be a very real dynamic in an affair with a married partner.
xxoo Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 In my case, MMs are less complicated.. and since I have many MMs.. it's nice to know that they can't 'blame' me for having sex with others... eventhough they never asked me about it.. they just know that I have sex besides them... but they don't know how many (they probably think 1 and probably think he's single). Single guys would never accept that.. (I think)... What you see as more/less complicated, I see as lower/higher standards.
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 My wife and I have both worked really really hard to affair proof our marriage - and have been successful so far. I wonder though - after a short time in an affair - is there a desire to "win" the married person - to outperform their spouse so they leave the spouse and come to you full time? Seems like there might often end up being some competitive aspect to this. Considering that a marriage is almost certainly ruined by the time the cheater cheats, is there really any competition to speak of? It would be a pretty hollow victory. Maybe a hollow victory is all the OP thinks they can win. I guess you can tell where I stand in all this.
Fallen Angel Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Considering that a marriage is almost certainly ruined by the time the cheater cheats, is there really any competition to speak of? It would be a pretty hollow victory. Maybe a hollow victory is all the OP thinks they can win. I guess you can tell where I stand in all this. Most "other" people do not consider an affair relationship to be any kind of competition. It is BS who voice their opinions that OW/OM must view it as such. Perhaps because if they view it as a compettion, they stand a chance at that hollow victory about which you speak?
Woggle Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I understand adults want what another person has but shouldn't adults have grown out of this mentality by the time they graduate high school? It seems that some people never mature emotionally these days.
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 While the title of this thread resonated with me - the "married" part was definitely part of the attraction for me (a necessary, but not sufficient, factor), on reading this: Do we stay with them because we might not find someone else that has proven that they will commit' date=' at least for a period of time?[/quote'] I had to disagree. I was interested precisely because they were already committed to OTHER PEOPLE. I did not want them to commit TO ME. I wanted them to stay committed where they already were. If I'd thought that commitment could so easily be transferred to me, I'd have steered well clear!
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 --------------------- I think he is just as charming and mannerly to her - she just sees more sides of him ? But when they were single and dating, maybe he wasn't as relaxed and confident - as he was after marriage ? AGree, the wife "grooms" him, makes him fit for a woman to live with (partly kidding), he is now more aware of what women want, and ergo becomes a better woman hunter. And yep, the wife gets to experience another side of his charms. She gets to experience the two-faced lying cheating vow-breaking side of him.... Poor Sandra Bullock!
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 One day I heard one sermon, it says: if one doesn't fully develop her own talents, potentials, and just be lazy and stay in fear, then this one probably will be jealousy toward others' success. I think some of OW probably are this way, being jealousy of what other wives have. I think OWs are more likely to be able to develop their talents and potential, since they're not stuck with a MP all day
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I think people that "Affair UP" are looking for something better to leave their relationship for. This is probably true of the MP who seeks an A. The MP who is seduced into an A is more likely to agree only if it involves "affairing up". I don't see any happily married MP agree to poke a complete dog, just because it was on offer....
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The MP has qualities they don't typically find in their own dating pool making their come on harder to resist. :lmao: As if.... Have you actually MET any OWs IRL??? We're not the dogs you might imagine! Most of us have no trouble at all picking and choosing A-listers - but we CHOOSE who we want to swap body fluids with. Speaking for myself, I've never ever yielded to any come on, ever - I choose who I want, I don't sit on some shelf waiting for some dude (M or S) to choose me. I get who I want.
White Flower Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 This is probably true of the MP who seeks an A. The MP who is seduced into an A is more likely to agree only if it involves "affairing up". I don't see any happily married MP agree to poke a complete dog, just because it was on offer.... Anyone who seeks anything usually seeks something better. But if he/she is in love with their spouse and feels guilty and decides to reconcile, often they feel obliged to say the only reason sex was better outside the M was because it was illicit. This was suggested in a book I read about overcoming an affair; the author asks the WS to say that was the only reason it was better (even if it wasn't true) was that it was secret. I don't neccessarily disregard this, as many WS actually love their spouse and do not want them to suffer over any preferences the WS had with the AP regardless of what was better.
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The perception of less attractive can mean many things. A man or woman who is less physically attractive that the spouse. Not true in my case. Age had not been kind to her A man or women who is less well established in their life goals than the spouse or less intelligent. Again, not true in my case. Or having a life that is perceived to be less stable or holding more personal baggage than the MP's spouse....... DEFINITELY not true in my case :lmao: I guess the fact that he dumped her suggests he agreed with me?
White Flower Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 How honest that sounds....especially when so many claim there is no competition with the spouse. I would imagine that "Love me, love be best," CAN be a very real dynamic in an affair with a married partner. As I have said many times. we all participate in As for many different reasons. I'm sure for some there is a competition factor. For me there is not.
OWoman Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Because married man is a forever challenge if he is married to another woman. And the forever challenge makes boring life more worth to live, this way can make one ignore her own empty life, and engaging a love-war that drain so much energy from her. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: "Empty" is one thing my life has never been....
White Flower Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Another thing I keep noticing about people who've confided in me that their partner cheated is, when they discover who the AP is, it is often a less attractive or perceived successful person.Being very honest here, (I could say I was Heather Locklear but I'm not--I'm very realistic about my looks). I've been told by everyone including MM that I am more beautiful (and this does not matter to me) so your experience could very well feed into a myth. However, I am sure it does happen. This leads me to believe that while the AP and the BS are similar in some ways, the fact that the MP stepping out is committed to someone else, their options are a bit hampered by the limitation of what they can offer the AP over the BS. I've been told that our skin and eye color are the same and that's it. After seeing pictures, I even disagreed on those similarities. We are of the same race and that is the only similarity. Personality wise, we are both good women who care very much about our families and lovers. I am told that I am much more understanding about things and I do believe this is a commonality among OPs; we listen well and seem to be more patient. That may be a fault for some. So maybe often, they find that they have to lower their physical requirement preferences to find someone willing to over look the lack of what they can feasibly offer to the AP. Another myth. Yet, I submit that it can happen. I suspect this only adds to the competition factor for the AP and what they do get from the MP feels like a larger accomplishment than they actually receive and keeps them from realizing they really are short changing themselves. The MP has qualities they don't typically find in their own dating pool making their come on harder to resist.It is an interesting idea and pretty well thought out for sure. Yet, I think in life we often draw to ourselves similar types whether they be M or S. There are similarities between my exH and MM yet I valuable their differences much more!
xxoo Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Not true in my case. Age had not been kind to her You are talking about your H's ex, right? It's likely that life had not been kind to her (life with the man that cheated on her), and that is what aged her beyond her years. Speaking for myself, I've never ever yielded to any come on, ever - I choose who I want, I don't sit on some shelf waiting for some dude (M or S) to choose me. I get who I want. To the bolded, do you mean that the man has no choice in the matter, married or single? You are married now, no? What do you think about a new, attractive OW coming along, eyeing your husband (who has a track record), and "getting who she wants"?
Lizzie60 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I was shopping today (for a change )... and I was amazed at the MMs with their W..ear to ear smiles... flirting with me.. (raising their eyebrows and smiling) in their W's back.. unbelievable... but I have to say that I didn't have my winter coat on... only a light T-shirt... Men are all the same..
califnan Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I was shopping today (for a change )... and I was amazed at the MMs with their W..ear to ear smiles... flirting with me.. (raising their eyebrows and smiling) in their W's back.. unbelievable... but I have to say that I didn't have my winter coat on... only a light T-shirt... Men are all the same.. ----------------------- My husband started doing the same thing after twenty years .. And definitely it is true that people don't do what they should about keeping their marriage alive. I'm sure you are beautiful or at least a real piece of artwork, and they do say that men think about sex at least once an hour? (forgot the stats) ... But what about Lizzie - you can't live on flattery forever .. You are flattered that the boy scout showed you a picture of his poor family - after seven years into the relationship ... Lizzie needs her Own, everlasting life - before it's too late..
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I was shopping today (for a change )... and I was amazed at the MMs with their W..ear to ear smiles... flirting with me.. (raising their eyebrows and smiling) in their W's back.. unbelievable... but I have to say that I didn't have my winter coat on... only a light T-shirt... Men are all the same.. Yes, and that is exactly why they all bear watching. That is why I think it is so naive for some posters to berate a wife who snoops when she has well founded suspicions. She is trying to save what is hers and do a pre-emptive strike, because in my opinion, men have a weakness and are easily tempted. If I were suspicious I would give my husband a colonoscopy if I thought it would lead me to the truth. Car, emails, phone monitoring would go without saying... HAHA.! P.S. You must really be something. 57 and still all the hounds are hang dog around you.
Fallen Angel Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Yes, and that is exactly why they all bear watching. That is why I think it is so naive for some posters to berate a wife who snoops when she has well founded suspicions. She is trying to save what is hers and do a pre-emptive strike, because in my opinion, men have a weakness and are easily tempted. If I were suspicious I would give my husband a colonoscopy if I thought it would lead me to the truth. Car, emails, phone monitoring would go without saying... HAHA.! P.S. You must really be something. 57 and still all the hounds are hang dog around you. You make it sound like the husband is property, like a car, or a puppy.... If your marriage is strong, your foundation sound, and you are open, honest, and connected; then no woman could "tempt" your spouse enough. Men are only as "weak" as the marriage they are in.
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 No, he is not property, but he is a "stealable exclusive relationship" if you will. I respectfully disagree that if the marriage is strong, he is untemptable. There are many women who post here who have given their life blood and energy, and their men still want some "variety" on the side, and get tempted by this. I also have read studies where men have admitted that their wives are great, they just wanted some variety. It is in their genes and their jeans.
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