shadowplay Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) So my boyfriend and I have gotten into our first argument and it's over holidays. I guess the "he's perfect" thread were my famous last words. In every relationship I've had we've always basically alternated holidays. One Christmas will be spent with one partner's family, the other with the other. Since the families always lived far apart, it wasn't practical to do both. My boyfriend is saying this isn't the way his family does it. That they always need to see everyone at every holiday, so that they'll even travel to another state in the middle of the holiday and split it that way. I told him that I'd like to spend the full holiday with him and I don't want him running off to another state in the middle. Neither would I like to spend half with my family and then ditch them in the middle. Imagine if we ever had kids what a mess this would cause. I also don't see anything unreasonable about alternating holidays. I'm totally fine with spending a full holiday with his family, why is he unwilling to do the same? All of the married couples in my family do this, since their respective families live far apart. He won't budge on this issue, and neither will I. I feel like this is symptomatic of him always trying to please everyone. Maybe it's because he has little relationship experience, but he doesn't seem to realize that being in a relationship means some sacrifices are made. Also, I've noticed he has so much trouble being assertive with his parents. He drives 3 hours to see them almost every weekend and yet feels guilty whenever he leaves home to go back to school. He tells me that they get visibly very sad every time he leaves. He also says they have no friends, so maybe this is part of the problem. Whatever the case, I feel like he needs to set some boundaries when it comes to stuff like holidays. This is one area where the difference in our maturity is really apparent to me. Any advice on how to resolve this? Edited March 26, 2010 by shadowplay
laRubiaBonita Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 why is this even such a issue? and if this is indicative of maturity levels.... well you two seem about even. neither of you is willing to budge; you are already considering him imperfect and you do not like how he interacts with his family; you are already grumpy over christmas. Real mature!
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 My family is like a giant amoeba. We consume other families so there's no conflict in important holiday scheds. Is this possible in your situation?
Author shadowplay Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 My family is like a giant amoeba. We consume other families so there's no conflict in important holiday scheds. Is this possible in your situation? considering how far my extended family lives from his, I don't see how that's possible. That's the problem.
hotgurl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 My family is like a giant amoeba. We consume other families so there's no conflict in important holiday scheds. Is this possible in your situation? Ha I love it my family is like this too. we all hang with all the in laws.
Author shadowplay Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 why is this even such a issue? and if this is indicative of maturity levels.... well you two seem about even. neither of you is willing to budge; you are already considering him imperfect and you do not like how he interacts with his family; you are already grumpy over christmas. Real mature! I just can't figure out a non complicated way of resolving this.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I just can't figure out a non complicated way of resolving this. you two can just split up for hloidays, and if you get married try hosting your own christmas event and invite each side- if they do not come, well you offered and tried. my family would rather H and i be at my parents. so what we do is- h i and spend thanksgiving with his side and christmas with my side. when we have kids id when it will get crazy- cause i imagine we will be pulled by both sides- i am already about sick of traveling on holidays and i would love for H and i to be together, in OUR home and start our own traditions...... but that ain't happening anytime soon.
Author shadowplay Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 you two can just split up for hloidays, and if you get married try hosting your own christmas event and invite each side- if they do not come, well you offered and tried. my family would rather H and i be at my parents. so what we do is- h i and spend thanksgiving with his side and christmas with my side. when we have kids id when it will get crazy- cause i imagine we will be pulled by both sides- i am already about sick of traveling on holidays and i would love for H and i to be together, in OUR home and start our own traditions...... but that ain't happening anytime soon. I don't want to split up for holidays. I really would like to spend (at least most of them) with him, especially if we get married and especially if we ever have kids.
Author shadowplay Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Like really, why is it such a big deal for us to alternate holidays since there's no other easy solution? I don't get it, especially considering how much he already sees his family (most weekends plus all summer and all January)?
laRubiaBonita Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Like really, why is it such a big deal for us to alternate holidays since there's no other easy solution? I don't get it, especially considering how much he already sees his family (most weekends plus all summer and all January)? i personally think alternating is a great idea, but some people- like my little sister- are super hell-bent on tradition and 'how it was'. IMO that metality is juvenile, nothing will ever be like it was, even if you try your hardest to make it that way- so you adjust and do the best with what you are presented with. how does one change the childlike mentality of people like my sister? no clue.... why not go to his parent for christmas, then broach the subject there- with his family and him. that way you can at least see if this is more your BF's preference, or more the doing of his parents.
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Shadow, if this man is marriage material, his family will take a back seat to his *marriage*, and the same will apply to you. Prior to getting married, I was very flexible and spent a lot of time with stbx's family but made it clear, on the rare occasion my mom wanted to share some holiday time with us, that was my priority. She could do what she wanted, but fairness dictated some balance. My mom also spent time with her family and felt the same way as myself. It's when people want things all one way that I push back. Does your BF want things all one way or does he seek balance? Good question to ask, if you're looking to get married at some point. Win-win requires bend on *both* sides. This is a good opportunity to build intimacy. I hope it works out
make me believe Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I agree with you that alternating holidays is the best solution, although I don't think it's unreasonable in a dating relationship to just split up for the holidays, especially since his family is far away. But is it possible to spend Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other? That way your bf gets to see his family every Christmas, and so do you. OR he could spend half of the holiday with your family and then leave to go to his family's. I understand you want to spend the whole holiday with him, but it's not the end of the world if you don't get to. And all of this talk about "what if we have kids, what will we do then?" is really premature if you're not even engaged yet.
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I feel like this is symptomatic of him always trying to please everyone. Maybe it's because he has little relationship experience, but he doesn't seem to realize that being in a relationship means some sacrifices are made. He's not pleasing everyone, if he's not pleasing you. And in trying to please everyone, I imagine he HE sacrificing some things...? In any event, I think it's WAY too early in your relationship for either one of you to be getting bent out of shape over the holidays just yet. The holidays are twice as far away as you two have even been together. That having been said, I think alternative/rotating is the most fair/appropriate thing to do. That's what BF and I do, and that's what his brother does.
pandagirl Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The holidays are quite a bit off. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a similar amount of time as you and we are serious, but yikes -- this is seven months away! If BF and I are still together come the holidays, I wouldn't have a problem with not being together if we both wanted to be with our respective families. For me, if we do stay together for a long time, there will be many, many more years of holidays to come and to figure out the correct schedule. I don't see this as a huge issue...it's a few days a part. Many people are very attached to their families, especially during the holidays. Hard to break tradition.
mammax3 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Easter is coming up, so it might be an issue there. I agree with Carhill, *great* opportunity to build intimacy and establish a healthy way to resolve issues. I propose that instead of trying to convince him on the merits of doing it your way (or vice versa) just dialogue about it, and end the conversation if it gets too heated. That might look like: discussing the reasons or feelings around the holidays, any underlying reasoning around your choices, particular traditions or aspects that you enjoy in your family of origins, favourite food, fond memories, sad memories, best times, which family members come, hilarious interactions/fights/stories between family members etc. People often shun that which they don't know or understand. Communicating like this will introduce the particulars of your family traditions and perhaps will allow some 'bend' in the decisions. This approach could take a while, and easter may pass with both of you going your separate ways - that's ok. It's a process, not an outcome. Good luck!
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Your bf and his family sound a lot like my relationship with my parents. In other words, my family is EXTREMLY close and will take a priority over any bfs well untill and after we get married (and possibly even then). I would also absolutely not spend any holidays apart from my family and that includes birthdays. The way I see it, family has and always will be there for me. Partners come and go, and even with most steady of partners it takes hell of a lot of time and trust for the real loyalty to build. You seem to think that your bf wants to please his parents, but have you ever considered that he might enjoy spending time with them and is just telling you that he sees them out of guilt to please you? I am not saying that this is the case with you at all, but when I dated men from dysfunactional families, they were envious of mine and my family closeness (because that is not something they have ever had). They also seemed to want to compete for the title of the person "whom I love the most". They would try to find negative explanations for everything my family did. Example: dad buys me a very expensive birthday present, my ex-bf said "he is using money to buy your affection" (as if he needs to at all - my dad will always have it ). My mum sends me a text message, my ex-bf says "I would feel trapped by so much contact" - (I actually enjoy the contact and his family probably contacted him twice a year, if that ) etc etc. Over time, this sort of stuff really eroded my feelings for the ex bf - so you need to be careful in how you proceed here.
Author shadowplay Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the responses. We resolved this fine soon after I started the thread. We'll go to his parents next Christmas, and from thereon we'll probably alternate. The main thing is he's going to have a discussion with his parents and see how they feel about that arrangement and we'll go from there. As it turns out his concern was that they'd be really offended, but he thinks it might just be in his head. It wasn't that he couldn't bear to be without them for a holiday. He actually felt like he was betraying them. Based on how he's described his parents, I'd be surprised if they were actually offended, but we'll see. I think my boyfriend just has a tendency to be overly cautious. He said something interesting about his brother -- that his brother is even more attached to the family and that he can't imagine his brother ever considering a woman in his life as important as family (wife included, if he ever gets married). He said it has something to do with the way they were raised. I'm curious to know what kind of upbringing could lead to this attitude. Luckily my boyfriend doesn't share it to this extreme. Edited March 29, 2010 by shadowplay
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Why not get the parents involved in the discussion? Perhaps you would better understanding his family - or, perhaps he will realize that his parents would accept alternating holidays. Granted, none of these talks really make sense right now. oops: sorry, posted before seeing page 2. Glad it worked out.
Author shadowplay Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I'm not going to lie. The family thing is really starting to get on my nerves. It came up again today in a different situation. We're in a class together and preparing a presentation on an artist that we're giving tomorrow. I've been doing most of the research so far and keep reminding him that he needs to help out. Anyway, today I asked him to pick a book from the library about the artist after his class since I'm out of town and unable to. He was going to scan a chapter for me so I could read it tonight. Instead of getting it immediately after class, he tells me he's going to head over to his uncle's and watch television with him, something he does every week. He told me he'd probably be there for between 1 and 1.5 hours but ended up staying for over two hours, close to three. Then afterwards he finds out the library closed early. I really feel like he should have prioritized this research ahead of the thing with his uncle, especially considering it's not a special occasion (he watches tv with his uncle every week). But knowing him, he was probably unable to say no. Now we'll be less prepared for the presentation tomorrow.
Author shadowplay Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 ^I was overreacting, it's resolved. I think the main problem is actually that I'm being a little oversensitive because I've had legitimate issues with past boyfriends' crazy families intruding. My bf has a pretty great family. They may not be perfect, but they're very functional, and I need to keep my own issues at bay.
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