darling Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 I feel like I can give others advice, but feel crippled when it comes to giving myself some advice. I would appreciate as much advice as possible from whomever is willing to hear me out. Nine months ago, I was with this guy, Sam, whom I grew to love very quickly. Sometimes, I think that it is because the guy before him treated me so horridly and destroyed every ounce of confidence I ever had inside. Other times, I think it is because of him and how he was. He treated me really well. During the time I was with Sam, we were very happy. I had a promise ring on my finger a month and half later. However, a few months later, he broke up with me. In retrospect, I believe that our relationship doomed due to the fact that we had a lot going on in our lives that we only added pressure on to one another. Anyhow, we have gotten back together several times. However, he was always asking us to be friends first and work our way to getting back together. I declined that offer as it was too difficult to be friends after everything we had been through. Furthermore, I was doing everything a girlfriend was doing, so why reap the benefits yet not want to give that title? After our last getting back together, I decided to completely boycott him. I stopped calling him and I didnt receive any calls from him either. Meanwhile, I began to work on myself. In those three months, I got myself an incredible job which pays me handsomely. I began to establish myself socially, financially and otherwise. Furthermore, I began to involve myself in alot of introspection, where I pointed out my faults and began working on resolving them. Of course, my adventure has not ended as of yet. However, I decided to call him and become friends. He was very responsive. We went out to dinner and met up a few times. A few weeks later, he stayed with me for a few days and it was pleasant. But he was not emotionally connected to me as he used to be. A few days ago, he discovered that I had a new beau in my life -- one that had definite potential. Since then, he began to pursue me so much more. He came back to my town and asked me to wait to tie myself to this other guy. He asked for thirty days to sort out his life and his feelings. I dont know if his change of attitude is due to the fact that he wants me to stay in his emotional orbit, or he doesnt want anyone to piss on the tree he pissed on or he really does have feelings for me and discovered them through his jealousy... I know that i still love him. I am not sure though if I am in love with him. I am not sure if my feelings are due to familiarity or true love... I cant get him out of my mind... I cant forget about him and when i lie next to him, it feels right. Kissing him feels right. What should I do? Should I wait and see what happens with this guy or should I just move on and see what this other guy has to offer?
midori Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 I guess I'm not too clear on where things stand with the new guy. You've started seeing him, you feel he has potential, but it doesn't sound like it has become serious yet -- is that right? Regardless, I'd say your ex has no business asking you to wait. He's been lukewarm about you for a long time. What is he going to figure out in thirty days that he doesn't know now? It's not as though he just met you. And even if he had, he has no right to ask you to put your life on hold because his own isn't sorted out. It's pointless to try to figure out what's going on in your ex's mind. It really doesn't matter if his intentions are sincere or not. Why on earth would you put things on hold with your new guy just because an ex of yours is thinking that maybe he'd like to try to start something up with you again? Besides the presumptuousness of that request, your ex has apparently failed to consider that previous incarnations of your relationship with him failed -- so why would you go with him when you've got a great new guy who hasn't let you down yet? Now if you were still head over heels in love with your ex, the logic I've just mapped out wouldn't count for much because your feelings would override reasonable objections -- such is love. But you don't seem to be head over heels about your ex. You think that you love him but don't think you're in love with him. So it sounds to me like there's not even an emotional justification for complying with his request. Bottom line, as I see it, is that you've got no reason to wait around for this ex to get his act together. When and if he does, you may or may not be available. That's the risk he takes in being a Grade A Flake. Frankly, even if he does get his act together in the next month and asks you to take him back, I wouldn't. If he really wanted you, he wouldn't have waited until he got wind of another man in the field. If he really wanted you he wouldn't have asked for a month to get himself sorted out. He'd know. He doesn't. Tell him to take all the time he needs. In the meantime go out with your new guy and don't give your ex a second thought -- not unless he gives you reason to take him seriously. He hasn't so far.
SoleMate Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 ...he discovered that I had a new beau in my life...since then, he began to pursue me so much more. He came back to my town and asked me to wait to tie myself to this other guy. He asked for thirty days to sort out his life and his feelings.... This happens a lot in real estate. The buyer is still inspecting properties, but doesn't want to lose out on one he's already seen. So he pays for an option on the property of interest. This mean that for a fee, the seller will take the property off the market for a period of time. The fee compensates the seller for lost opportunity (to sell). At the end of the option period, the property can be bought by the optioner, or it can just go back on the open market. What sets your potential deal apart from a real estate transaction is that the optioner does not usually use the property during the option period. Here's my question: How is your ex going to compensate you for lost opportunity to find another man who can decide more quickly that he wants to be with you? Or even just to enjoy your own time and your own blossoming adventure? I am not sure if my feelings are due to familiarity or true love... Your love may be true, but I just don't think Sam's is. If it were, he would be at your doorstep right now, holding a sign saying "I blew it, take me back". But instead he says "Give me 30 days to think about it." You know, there's something downright insulting about his proposition. Is he in business school or law chool by any chance? You've had a bad experience before. Is there anything in you that says, "Maybe I don't deserve anything better than Sam?" I know he makes you feel good when you are (physically) close, but I'm sure it didn't feel good when he yo-yo'd you around a loop-de-loop, right? Many other guys will be able to touch you and love you in a way that is even more satisfying because you know that they aren't thinking about an "exit strategy". Good luck!
Author darling Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Thank you so much solemate and midori. You are absolutely right. Why isn't he pleading for me? Especially after everything I have done for him... I would like to give you a little more detail into our situation. Perhaps it would help... He said that he needed his thirty days to get his life together. He has moved from the city I currently reside in to move to another city due to some problems that occurred with son. He is broke, as opposed to before when he used to have a lot of money. He said that he is not good enough for me now and is hoping to be in thirty days. Part of me wants to believe him, the other doubts his argument as he fully knows that I have loved him no matter what. You see, I used to be such a dependent person, where I depended on him for love, depended on my parents for financial support, etc. He was the independent one who earned his own living, paid for his own schooling, supported his family and self. Now, the roles have reversed. I have become extremely independent and he has become dependent on his family. Part of me really believes that this intimidates him... I asked him last night what strategies he is planning to use to get me back. I was being facetious. He said that what is the point of telling me his strategies when he is planning a surprise attack. What the hell is that? What is he planning to do, if anything at all? As for the other guy, I AM STILL SEEING HIM. I still go out with him and have wonderful dates with him. I go to restaurants, movies, walks and so forth with him. We only kissed and hesitated in being categorized as a couple as we have only been seeing each other for only two weeks. I also informed him that I still have unresolved feelings toward my ex that I am trying to eliminate. I want to be fair to him. Does this make any sense at all? Please, help make this make sense to me. haha
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 I agree with Sole and Midori. Your ex seems to only want you when he isn't receiving all of your attention. Even if you went back to him....he would only treat you poorly unless you played this endless 'challenge' game with him. I would think....he doesn't love you for YOU.....he loves you for how you make HIM feel. He doesn't want to lose that......even though he gives little in return. I know it's hard to walk away from someone you really do love and want to be with. However, you are short-changing yourself to be with someone who doesn't give you the emotional security which true love should actually be all about. I don't know if this new guy is Mr. Right. Only time will tell. Till then though, look at all this as objectively as possible....and don't let 'what if's' rule your heart.
Author darling Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 So I just leave him alone... I know that is the best thing to do. But how do I get my heart and my mind to syncronise. How can I get my mind to agree with my heart and visa versa. I guess that is the question that everyone asks themselves everyday. Sam is supposed to come over tonight from out of town. What should I say to him? ~darling
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