Is NC Appropriate?

[paperchase]

Quick background. I'm one of the lucky or not so lucky if you will who got a second chance. I dated for a year, got dumped, moved on with NC and she came back. We dated another year and I got dumped again last night. The first time the reasons were the large age difference and my two kids from a prior marriage. This time I'm told age is not an issue; it's just the fact that I have kids and she's not ready for that. She just wants me, doesn't want to pack school lunches or know they will be there some nights. I know it sounds selfish, but I do understand.

 

She needed space from us, our relationship. It was too much to handle I suppose. She said she wants to be young and have guilt free fun. She mentioned seeing what it's like to be single, although I know she's not the type. She used all the usual emotional exit tricks about how she loves me, she doesn't know what she wants, etc. Of course we made love and held each other. It was a pleasant night except the getting dumped part. She said she wanted to go out on a high note. Then she asked if I wanted to see a movie next week and said she'd call me today as she set out for work this morning. I guess she's trying to let me down easy and not feel guilty.

 

So my question is what do I do? I know all about NC. I know about how it can help us heal and about how it can test whether our ex may have made a mistake in leaving us. I know that we use it when we cannot deal with them on any level other than as lovers. I know when things end ugly, it's best to use NC. The last time things ended ugly: I found out she had a new man and I was devastated. This time I'm hurt but it's different. I saw the handwriting on the wall and she's left me for things I cannot change so while I'm hurt, in some ways I'm at peace.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to have her back especially if she would be 100% committed and accept me and my children like she did in the early going. But if not, I know we have no long term future and I really do want to find someone I can love for the long haul. Given what I've said, do I do NC? I know it can't hurt for healing purposes, but will it test her resolve and help bring clarity to her confusion? Will it seem contrived since it's been done before. It's it heavy handed given the circumstances of our breakup? I read this board often and am only asking because I'm genuinely confused with how to go forward.

 

Thanks.

[Dexter Morgan]

She needed space from us, our relationship. It was too much to handle I suppose. She said she wants to be young and have guilt free fun. She mentioned seeing what it's like to be single

 

 

here is a bit of advice from experience. she wants to mess around with other people and have her "fun".....then let her. And don't let her come back.

 

She wants to screw around with other men, and then come back to you when its convenient for HER. If you want to be that lapdog for her, be my guest.

 

But my advice would be find someone your own age and forget the young and immature. Because even if she matures, do you think she is going to be attracted to someone that starts looking like a grandpa when she is still relatively young looking and attractive? think she won't be pining to be with someone younger looking later on?

 

Find someone you can grow old with, not with someone from another decade that you have nothing in common with except superficial attraction in this place in time.

[ADF]

Honest opinion? You briefly mentioned an age difference between you. The image I have in my mind is of a somewhat more mature man who lucked into a relationship with a hot 20-something. And no, he is so hooked with being able to sleep with this nubile young body, he is reluctant to let go of her. This is the only thing that makes sense, since this woman's behvaior has been AWFUL.

[paperchase]

here is a bit of advice from experience. she wants to mess around with other people and have her "fun".....then let her. And don't let her come back.

 

She wants to screw around with other men, and then come back to you when its convenient for HER. If you want to be that lapdog for her, be my guest.

 

But my advice would be find someone your own age and forget the young and immature. Because even if she matures, do you think she is going to be attracted to someone that starts looking like a grandpa when she is still relatively young looking and attractive? think she won't be pining to be with someone younger looking later on?

 

Find someone you can grow old with, not with someone from another decade that you have nothing in common with except superficial attraction in this place in time.

 

You may be right about the screw with other men part and not being a lapdog, but your are wrong about the grandpa and superficial attraction stuff. I don't look anymore than 5 years older than her. Not a wrinkle on my face. 8% body fat. I guarantee in 20 years I look younger. And we have lots in common. In fact it was a love for similar music that created the conversation piece which led to our first date.

 

The question was whether I should go NC. You are a seasoned vet so I'm sure you give sound advice but I wanted you to get your facts straight and redirect you to the question asked. Thanks.

[Rearden Metal]

I guess it all depends on YOUR emotional stability and YOUR vantage point. If you are ready to let it go and move on, you don't really have to do NC. It just makes it easier, but more so when you've got strong emotions.

 

You said you're a very attractive man. I'd suggest withdrawing from her quite a bit and getting out and about. Date if you feel like it. Don't be available for her unless you ACTUALLY want to talk to her (like about random sh*t like friends do).

 

If you're pining for her, or want her to come back...yeah, it's NC time.

[paperchase]

Honest opinion? You briefly mentioned an age difference between you. The image I have in my mind is of a somewhat more mature man who lucked into a relationship with a hot 20-something. And no, he is so hooked with being able to sleep with this nubile young body, he is reluctant to let go of her. This is the only thing that makes sense, since this woman's behvaior has been AWFUL.

 

Hey, I have lucked into other relationships with young women. She is not the youngest. I dumped someone younger because I just couldn't connect with her. I've dated women from 21-32 since divorce.

 

In terms of her behavior, I tend to stick with women who do behave awfully. My ex wife did and it took her kicking me to the curb to end it which as it turns out was the best thing in the world for me. Let's not psychoanalyze this issue of mine tough.

 

Her young body is not want draws me to her most. She swept me off my feet in a time of need and was everything I never knew I wanted. The opposite of every woman I had ever loved. She hasn't been that person for a while, but i hold on to that memory. I believed that she was part of my second lease on life and that I would get the whole marriage thing right this time around. We talked about a life together and children and everything.

 

I'm a sucker for love regardless of my mate's age.

[paperchase]

I guess it all depends on YOUR emotional stability and YOUR vantage point. If you are ready to let it go and move on, you don't really have to do NC. It just makes it easier, but more so when you've got strong emotions.

 

You said you're a very attractive man. I'd suggest withdrawing from her quite a bit and getting out and about. Date if you feel like it. Don't be available for her unless you ACTUALLY want to talk to her (like about random sh*t like friends do).

 

If you're pining for her, or want her to come back...yeah, it's NC time.

 

Thanks, man. That gives me a bright line. If I'm over her, then limited friendly contact is ok. If I'm pining for her return, I must do NC to heal.

 

I wish things had worked and I'd love her to come back but only if she could be the person she used to be...so I guess I'm not really over her.

Edited March 26, 2010 by paperchase

[Rearden Metal]

Hey, I have lucked into other relationships with young women. She is not the youngest. I dumped someone younger because I just couldn't connect with her. I've dated women from 21-32 since divorce.

 

In terms of her behavior, I tend to stick with women who do behave awfully. My ex wife did and it took her kicking me to the curb to end it which as it turns out was the best thing in the world for me. Let's not psychoanalyze this issue of mine tough.

 

Her young body is not want draws me to her most. She swept me off my feet in a time of need and was everything I never knew I wanted. The opposite of every woman I had ever loved. She hasn't been that person for a while, but i hold on to that memory. I believed that she was part of my second lease on life and that I would get the whole marriage thing right this time around. We talked about a life together and children and everything.

 

I'm a sucker for love regardless of my mate's age.

 

BOOOOOOOOOM!!!

 

Exactomuuuunnndoooo! This is really the only important thing you need to remember. She's not who you want her to be anymore. I can relate, powerfully, to this.

[stillafool]

Paperchase, I think any woman who doesn't want your kids does not love you enough. I appreciate your gf's honesty in telling you this. Right now you may look young and have quite a few things in common with this 20 year old. I have seen people look young for years and then one year it seems that all of those years caught up to them and bam - they look their age. There's a big age difference, which originally was the reason you gf broke up with you. Now, she is breaking up with you because you have kids and she just wants it to be the two of you. Both of the reasons she broke up with you are reasons you can't do anything about. She is very young and selfish in that she knew you were older and had children when she first started seeing you.

 

I think you are looking for answers to help you win her back. Let her go this time. If you want to marry again, don't waste anymore time with this girl or you will look around and you'll be 40 still waiting on her.

[paperchase]

Paperchase, I think any woman who doesn't want your kids does not love you enough. I appreciate your gf's honesty in telling you this. Right now you may look young and have quite a few things in common with this 20 year old. I have seen people look young for years and then one year it seems that all of those years caught up to them and bam - they look their age. There's a big age difference, which originally was the reason you gf broke up with you. Now, she is breaking up with you because you have kids and she just wants it to be the two of you. Both of the reasons she broke up with you are reasons you can't do anything about. She is very young and selfish in that she knew you were older and had children when she first started seeing you.

 

I think you are looking for answers to help you win her back. Let her go this time. If you want to marry again, don't waste anymore time with this girl or you will look around and you'll be 40 still waiting on her.

 

I'm sure I will age. I am blessed though. My dad is 70 and looks 50. I have several family members who have lived beyond 100.

 

None of this is really relevant though. What's important is that she is selfish -- something I've known, accepted and even catered too. What's also important is that I am getting older regardless of how I look and I don't have as much time to waste looking for a mate as she does.

 

I might need to take a day or two off work to mourn.

[Ilovecake]

I don't get how being dumped twice by the same person makes you lucky but I guess you see something positive in that.

 

Whether you chose to go NC or not I have a feeling she'll contact you when she gets bored or needs some "daddy issues" resolved. When she gets what she needs from you she'll move on to get what she wants from others. As long as you keep letting her in this can be quite an endless circle. She gets to have her cake and eat it and you're left with the crumbs. I guess it depends what would make YOU happier, being strung along by this girl or moving on to a more fulfilling relationship. If you chose to move on I don't see how you can do that without ending all contact with her.

 

Too add you might have a love for music in common with her but you do not have the most important thing in common with her which is your children. You said she told you she would be with you if it wasn't for them. Do you really want o be with a woman who feels that way about your children? I don't even see how you could be a friend to a person who feels that way about your children. Doesn’t seem like you mentioned much about how this would affect them, which I find strange.

 

Either way good luck.

Edited March 26, 2010 by Ilovecake

[stillafool]

I might need to take a day or two off work to mourn.

 

I think that is a good idea and then after that throw yourself back into the deep end of work so you will be too busy to think about her.

 

There are so many women out there who would love to meet and date a guy like you. You are still young.

[paperchase]

I don't get how being dumped twice by the same person makes you lucky but I guess you see something positive in that.

 

I was being facetious. Clearly I did not want to go through the pain all over again.

 

Whether you chose to go NC or not I have a feeling she'll contact you when she gets bored or needs some "daddy issues" resolved. When she gets what she needs from you she'll move on to get what she wants from others. As long as you keep letting her in this can be quite an endless circle. She gets to have her cake and eat it and you're left with the crumbs. I guess it depends what would make YOU happier, being strung along by this girl or moving on to a more fulfilling relationship. If you chose to move on I don't see how you can do that without ending all contact with her.

 

Too add you might have a love for music in common with her but you do not have the most important thing in common with her which is your children. You said she told you she would be with you if it wasn't for them. Do you really want o be with a woman who feels that way about your children? I don't even see how you could be a friend to a person who feels that way about your children. Doesn’t seem like you mentioned much about how this would affect them, which I find strange.

 

Either way good luck.

 

Yeah, I'm sure she will contact me from time to time whether I go silent or not. She cannot take being ignored...at least not long term. As for my kids, that's tough. What she said hurt me. They love her. At the same time I guess I understand and appreciate the honesty. It's her choice not to deal with my responsibilities, although I wish we would have resolved this a year ago since it's the same issue which broke us up then. I can't hate her for how she feels.

 

And yes, this will affect them. They saw this woman almost every time they visited and despite her ambivalence, they grew fond of her. And at the same time they remain affected by the divorce between their mother and me. I used to hate when my kids asked where is "X" the first time she dumped me. I eventually fabricated a story that she moved home to be with her mom. Then of course she came back. I guess now if they ask I'll say she moved again. This sucks.

 

Okay so why the F did I just get a bbm/text saying: "I don't think I'll ever find a love like ours...." I don't know what the rest says and I'm not opening it to read because she can tell once its opened. My thoughts are "yes you do, or you wouldn't have ended it."

Edited March 26, 2010 by paperchase

[Dexter Morgan]

You may be right about the screw with other men part and not being a lapdog, but your are wrong about the grandpa and superficial attraction stuff. I don't look anymore than 5 years older than her. Not a wrinkle on my face. 8% body fat

 

not talking about now. Believe me, I'm in the same boat you are, flat stomach, benching close to 275 with more than just one rep, and looking better than I did when I was 20.

 

But that is now. I'm not going to be 60 years old, and with a woman in her 40's looking to better deal me because I now am STARTING to look like a grandpa figure with a wrinkly old ass.

 

trust me, been there done that with the younger woman thing....never again.

 

also been there and done that with a couple of my friends who I had to give a big "told ya so" to.

 

 

The question was whether I should go NC.

 

to which my reply would be .....yes.....permanently. You described her, and I know the type. Trust me as smitten as you might be, she isn't someone you want to TRY to grow old with.

[paperchase]

not talking about now. Believe me, I'm in the same boat you are, flat stomach, benching close to 275 with more than just one rep, and looking better than I did when I was 20.

 

But that is now. I'm not going to be 60 years old, and with a woman in her 40's looking to better deal me because I now am STARTING to look like a grandpa figure with a wrinkly old ass.

 

trust me, been there done that with the younger woman thing....never again.

 

also been there and done that with a couple of my friends who I had to give a big "told ya so" to.

 

 

 

 

to which my reply would be .....yes.....permanently. You described her, and I know the type. Trust me as smitten as you might be, she isn't someone you want to TRY to grow old with.

 

Let's put this aging thing to rest. I can't bench 275. I'm 5'8", 142lbs and wiry strong with 8 pack abs and all my hair. I'm going to age gracefully and men age better than women. Heck, she jokes about how my hands have no wrinkles and hers look like old lady's. We are 13-14 years apart depending on which month you calculate. I'd prefer that number be 7-10, but I think we will age nicely together. Her mom at 50 looks way older than my dad at 70. Anyway, none of that matters.

 

I trust your advice about what kind of person she is and how dangerous it would be to stake my future on her. My buddy has said the same thing. He has said you made it through a terrible marriage which almost ruined you so why would you want to play with fire again.

 

I'd like to know why you don't think younger women are good, generally because they seem to be most attracted to me and I to them. I don't mean 21 which was her age when we met. I mean more like 27 to 30 for someone in his late 30s. I find most women in their 30s to put a lot of early pressure on the viability of a long term relationship which gets me nervous. I'd almost rather be with someone in their 40s (although I never have) who is over the white picket fence baby having ambitions. Not to hijack my own thread.

[EricaH329]

I want you to read what I posted in your other thread.

[spriggig]

I currently espouse the belief that NC is the correct choice BEFORE you meet the girl.