WantToGetExBack Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Clearly no one else will ever fill the void left by a loved one when they pass away, I lost someone who meant the most in my life to a very sudden death, my world was shattered but it naturally made me very close with other important people in my life to try and cope with that loss. So why does a stupid break up even when you know the other person doesn't give a **** about you make you feel super worse, you can't even connect with your friends, you stall your life for someone who isn't even worth it, it's a lesser loss than losing a family member for eg permanently yet I seem to be struggling with this way more, does anyone else feel the same way or is it just me ?
brwneyedgrl3333 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I totally hear what you're saying here and had a conversation about this with a good friend of mine just last night. In my lifetime, I've lost my Dad, my Mom and numerous other people that I loved and it was very painful. This last breakup of mine has been by far the most devestating, painful thing I have gone thru to date and I'm still trying to make sense of it after 3 months. It makes no sense in my mind how rejection feels worse then a death of someone I love.....would love to come to grips with this one too.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I lost my finace to death many years ago, and it was indeed much easier to deal with (in it's own devastating way) than breaking up with my now ex. I think the reason is at elast twofold. Firstly you know the person who left you through death did not want to leave you, they had no choice. Secondly when someone dies it is final, you know there are not coming back and you must move on. However when someone breaks up with you there is always the chance they may change their minds and come back. It is that small hope that prevents us from moving on.
HeavenOrHell Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Yes, I felt the same when my partner left me after 18 years. I felt guilty about feeling it may have been easier if he'd died, guilty because of those whose partners HAVE died. But I felt that at least their partner died loving them. I felt they don't have to cope with rejection, abandonment, not in the same way, as their partners did not choose to leave them. They don't have to cope with their partner falling in love with someone else and the misery, depression, betrayal (not necessarily from being cheated on but just cos they're bailed out of the relationship you'd spent years building up with them), and extreme self doubt which can come with this. I feel that if my partner had died his love would still be with me, that I would know where I stood, what I am dealing with, that I wouldn't spend months hoping and praying he would love me enough to come back and then the misery of realising he was never coming back, and I felt pretty worthless for a while. On the other hand someone on this site whose partner had died said it was extremely painful when your partner dies still loving you, and that 2 years on she wasn't interested in anyone else, and felt guilty even thinking about it. I have moved on a lot since going NC 6 weeks ago, but I still dread finding out that he is seeing an ex friend of mine, I don't know if he is but is likely, it will taint what me and him had as there's a lot of history there, long story, it will make me question the past 9 years of our relationship. I want us to be friends in time as we will always love each other but if he is with her then I don't want to know, that would be too painful. So I guess I still have some pain to deal with. He left 8 months ago. Maybe the one positive thing of being left rather than partner is dying is that sometimes the hurt of being left can make you think sod this I'm not going to pine forever for someone who doesn't want me. A friend's mum whose husband died says she feels it is easier if the partner dies rather than leaves you and she said she felt for me. I think whether you're left or partner dies you go through so many of the same emotions, for both it is a grieving process; extreme shock, depression, disbelief, anger, fear, desperation, guilt as you may regret certain things but can't put them right, I guess though if your ex partner is alive you can at least talk about it in some cases but not all as they might not want any contact. Maybe the only emotions a person whose partner had died might not feel are hurt, jealousy, betrayal, and hope they will come back, and abandonment although I gather they may feel this to some extent? Clearly no one else will ever fill the void left by a loved one when they pass away, I lost someone who meant the most in my life to a very sudden death, my world was shattered but it naturally made me very close with other important people in my life to try and cope with that loss. So why does a stupid break up even when you know the other person doesn't give a **** about you make you feel super worse, you can't even connect with your friends, you stall your life for someone who isn't even worth it, it's a lesser loss than losing a family member for eg permanently yet I seem to be struggling with this way more, does anyone else feel the same way or is it just me ?
onewillburn Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 As curiousnyc said, death is not a decision (in most cases). Breaking up with somebody is. With death you don't have to deal with as many of the self-doubting questions or develop a lack of trust. Death hurts, but you understand it. Break ups are not often understood.
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