bolase Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I would love advice as I'm really confused about whether my flatmate wants a relationship (I do...cautiously). We have only known each toher about 3 months, become friends, kissed and slept together once. Weve had a HUGE mutual attraction since we met, and kissed pretty soon after, but that first night when we were talking and discussing how it was a bad idea since we were living together, he specified he wasn't looking for a relationship. I said the same thing, which was true although I didn't think I could do a casual relationship either. I just wanted to be on my own working on myself for the moment. Fastforward to after we slept together...I regretted it and told him the next day (after advice from here) that casual sex wasnt for me and it didnt make me feel great. He said he was bummed, but then took me on a date later that week to do something nice for me in his words, with no expectations. He told me that casual sex wasnt his thing either, but its kinda obvious he'd still go for it if I let him, always flirts with me and wishes we could live out our fantasies and htings like that. He is a serial monogamist single for the first time in 10 years, with his last relationship quite a long one and he's been single for a year. He went away for work last week, and straight away a male friend of mine told me he has a crush on me. I have always had a soft spot for this guy but he was sort of out of bounds until recently. I texted my flatmate and told him I'd met someone and wanted to know where I stood with him, as I really like him. He texted back sulking and said I should go for it, it would be less difficult than him, he would heal easily. I told him if thats all he would say, it was his loss if he takes me for granted. Then he backtracked saying he thought I was amazing just didnt know how to proceed, that he only ever wanted to make me feel comfortable, desired and happy. THe next day told me our chat had made him feel sad and he did like me and want more but NOT explicitly. I really like my flatmate, but my male friend thinks he is the wrong guy for me and just wants sex. I have to kinda agree since he told me flat out he didnt want anything serious and just enjoys exclusive but casual relationships. And that casual still means monogamous to him. Recently though, through email, calls and texts I think my flatmate really might want a relationship..he said he wants to give me much more, and was cautiously excited about doing that, he's fallen for me, says he misses me etc. When I asked, "so were going to be more?" he said did want more than something casual, but now he felt berated by me. I told him thats ridiculous ..and never mind. I guess I did put him through the hoops telling him that unless theres some level of commitment we should just be friends, but since he hasnt asked me outright, I am scared of the jump cause he didnt want a relationship!! I know, neither did I, but I think I made it clear after our one nighter that that was all I could put myself through. What do you think, should I just go for it with my friend, who is a really nice guy, or wait and see what my flatmate, who I am crazy about but is a little bit of a player, actually says? If he was crazy about me wouldn't he do one better than assuming I will just hang out for him?
skydiveaddict Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 hmmm tough one. I say go for the flatmate, but it is a tough choice I agree
vrchards Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Hi bolase I read your post and i am doing as you directed. But any one had done earlier? is it really works. I know nobody is perfect here and beauty always attracts to everyone and Jealousy is the main nature of everybody. so we should avoid these condition and try to give more love and care to the partners to get love.
boogieboy Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Keep in mind he might be telling you what you want to hear to sleep with you again. SO get some committed words from him before you sleep with him again. Go on dates, suggest them. But dont get your hopes up.
ADF Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Do men ever ask for a relationship? Some, sure. But most probably don't, and here's the reason: for many men, being in a relationship with a woman is not the ideal situation. For many men, having a FWB is the ideal situation. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets everything he gets when he has a GF, only with no strings. It is the ultimate win/win situation for him. Men will often try to maneuver women into FWB relationships if they can, and will only settling for a BF/GF relationship if they can't.
make me believe Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I question why your roommate is only NOW telling you his "feelings" for you. It's rather suspicious that all of this comes out when another guy shows interest in you, isn't it? I think you need to listen to him when he says all he wants is a casual relationship, until he specifically says otherwise (and not through hints -- I mean, he straight out says it) AND his actions match his words. If he was crazy about me wouldn't he do one better than assuming I will just hang out for him? Absolutely!!
xpaperxcutx Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Well now, I would imagine if a guy feeds me a bunch of lines like that, I would get all gushy... but then I snap myself to reality because what he says and what he does are two different things. If he had wanted to be with you, it would not take another guy to make him realize he wants to be with you ( jealous? possessive traits?) and when he said he couldn't do relationships, that was the penultimate blow to tell you that he's not relationship material. I'm certain the temptation is there especially with him being a flatmate ( because he said he would do it again if you allowed it). Do you want to be happy? Being happy would not involve pining for the guy next door ( literally) and giving up a guy that actually has feelings for you.
Author bolase Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 thanks everyone for the advice, and youre right papercut I have to snap back to reality.. I got a random message saying that i should know even if we didnt live together he would still be trying to charm me, that was pretty much it. I dont know what to think, but will try and see his actions for what they are, not much, and stop indulging in aall the sweet talk...thanks guys! I will ask him on a date.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 thanks everyone for the advice, and youre right papercut I have to snap back to reality.. I got a random message saying that i should know even if we didnt live together he would still be trying to charm me, that was pretty much it. I dont know what to think, but will try and see his actions for what they are, not much, and stop indulging in aall the sweet talk...thanks guys! I will ask him on a date. who are you asking?
Author bolase Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 my flatmate. and maybe my friend, but I don't know, Id rather he did..
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 my flatmate. and maybe my friend, but I don't know, Id rather he did.. No no no don't ask your flatmate. Ask your friend. As I'd mentioned before, your flatmate stated clearly " he did not want a relationship".
Author bolase Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I know, but so did I, genuinely, and my feelings have changed gradually so given all his word and actions its possible he has too...I dont want him to think Im lukewarm about him..just a date no physical contact..since he did take me on a date..
xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I know, but so did I, genuinely, and my feelings have changed gradually so given all his word and actions its possible he has too...I dont want him to think Im lukewarm about him..just a date no physical contact..since he did take me on a date.. You weren't lukewarm, you were more than obvious about your feelings. And nowhere did it said his ' actions' matched his words, he still only said he wanted something more than casual. You're his flatmate, and even if you weren't, he would have made an effort to ask you out. Simply- you do not owe him a date.
Author bolase Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks papercutz, again. Just to let you know you are right...you are so right. My housemate was sending me endearing emails and I was replying, until a week ago when he just didn't reply. (He has just replied today, the day before coming back, giving me his arrival details and saying he cant wait to see all of us..I feel that it's kind of rejecting...sad...but he is so not worth pining over. and if that can hurt me then there woudl only be more in store..obviously I've spent the week with him on my mind though. damn damn damn.) Also, I hung out with my friend a few days ago and went surfing, hung in my room and even had a bit of a cuddle where we talked nonstop for ages:) But he didn't make a move, and I question why, I think its just shyness? But I like him and I feel on the same page..with my housemate it feels like he's two steps ahead of me all the time. Ya, thanks Edited April 3, 2010 by bolase
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