Seriously Depressed

[waiting4marriage]

Don't flame me. Nothing I say is meant to be prejudiced, etc. Just my thoughts.

 

I am a strict practicing Catholic man. I want to eventually get married to a nice Catholic virgin. I feel like I have absolutely no hope of finding an acceptable wife.

 

I want a woman who will frequently have sex with her husband using the Natural Family Planning method approved by the Catholic church.

 

I am very depressed about the fact that the typical woman has had sex with multiple guys, gets married and refuses to have sex with her husband.

 

After everything I have seen, I just had to post my comments and ask for the opinions of the women here.

 

I lived with a few guys in my college housing. They were the stereotypical "bad boys". They were smoking marijuana, into petty theft, etc. Tons of women were having sex with them. The women always tolerated the fact that they never spent any money on them, refused to put up with her negative attitude, kicked her out when she got annoying, etc. They always came back for more.

 

However, none of these girls would marry a guy like that. It seems like they would tolerate this because they were actually interested in these kinds of guys.

 

But when they want to get married and have kids, they don't want anybody that poor or emotionally unstable. They get married to a "nice guy". This guy doesn't have any of the qualities that the guys they were having sex with did, and therefore, she probably resented him from the beginning, but wanted him to believe she liked him because of his mental or financial stability. He falls into the trap, and can't figure out why she doesn't have sex with him. Why she runs up his credit card bill when her boyfriends never spent money on her. Why she nags all of the time. Why she is always complaining about something.

 

Odds are, she isn't happy either. She feels entitled to his money, never feels obligated to have sex with him, shows no mercy in divorce court, etc. She probably figures that whatever misery she is putting him through is minor compared to her having to live with a guy she never really liked but thought of as a means to an end.

 

It is so depressing for me to think that my future wife will:

 

1) Have had sex with numerous guys that she liked.

2) Marry me because I am stable, even though she isn't really interested in me.

3) Have some kids with me and then refuse to put out.

4) Run up my bills.

5) Nag constantly.

6) File for divorce and use my kids as hostages against me.

7) Get awarded my home, a sizable amount of my money, and custody of the kids.

8) Talk bad about me in front of the kids while she brings home a new boyfriend every week.

 

Is it possible for me to find a Catholic virgin that will frequently have sex with her husband and not file for divorce? Do women even like sex? With the 60% divorce rate in this country, I feel like I almost have to spend some time in South America looking for a wife, where they only have a 3% divorce rate. Help!

Edited March 26, 2010 by waiting4marriage

[aerogurl87]

First off your age will depend on the odds of you being able to find a virgin wife and since you say you've been through college, those odds are slim to none. Is there anything wrong with women who aren't virgins? No. Some women (like myself) also held onto this belief of not having sex till they met the one but then maybe they thought they met him only to find out that he in fact was not Mr. Right, but Mr. Wrong. But if you can't get past someone's past then there's no point in you dating any non virgins, which as I said greatly cuts down the pool of women you'll be able to marry. Secondly, yes there are women who love sex, I'm one of them. If it were up to me 3 times a day (once in the morning, once in the afternoon, then once before bed) would be the minimum I'd have sex per day. Third, if you're going to get married with such a negative attitude about your future wife then you're just setting yourself up for failure. Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies? Well you're setting yourself up for one with that attitude you have now. Work on yourself before you go get married please, or you will have a miserable marriage. Misery loves company as much as happiness, but only one actually gets people to stick around.

[waiting4marriage]

I know that I can easily avoid a lot of those problems. I have met many nice women in church that probably share my beliefs - at least to a degree.

 

However, almost EVERY married guy I have ever heard comment about the issue has told me the same thing:

 

1) They get the ring and turn into a nun.

2) You'd never think they had THAT many headaches...

 

Etc., etc., etc.

 

I know that the religious end of it could be helped a lot by marrying a girl who goes to church a lot, and that would also help with the divorce end of it.

 

But I can't help this feeling that no matter what I do, how hard I try, or how much work I put into a marriage, the wife won't have sex with me simply because she's my WIFE.

[sb129]

Why don't you order a bride online?

[always_searching]

OP,

 

I've never had sex with a man, am Catholic, and, if I ever get married, I will have hot, crazy, passionate sex with my husband.

 

The only problem is: I'm not ready to have children. NFP isn't fool-proof, and there are many women out there who aren't looking forward to having six (or more) kids. So, if you don't want kids, can't use contraception, and fear that NFP will fail: you don't have sex.

 

To answer your question about whether women even enjoy sex: I can't speak for all of us, but we're biological creatures who have sexual organs, get aroused, etc. So, yes, women like sex.

[Els]

I know that I can easily avoid a lot of those problems. I have met many nice women in church that probably share my beliefs - at least to a degree.

 

However, almost EVERY married guy I have ever heard comment about the issue has told me the same thing:

 

1) They get the ring and turn into a nun.

2) You'd never think they had THAT many headaches...

 

Etc., etc., etc.

 

I know that the religious end of it could be helped a lot by marrying a girl who goes to church a lot, and that would also help with the divorce end of it.

 

But I can't help this feeling that no matter what I do, how hard I try, or how much work I put into a marriage, the wife won't have sex with me simply because she's my WIFE.

 

No, it's usually because of the virgin component you're looking for. Not always, but generally, women who remain virgins for that long tend to not have overly high sex drives. If you're looking for the rare few who DO satisfy both these criteria, AND is a Catholic, AND doesn't mind using an ancient and not very effective method of contraception... AND is suitable for you and loyal and caring and all that jazz... AND who wants you...

 

Good luck with that haystack. May you find the needle sometime in your life.

[crazycatlady]

Don't flame me. Nothing I say is meant to be prejudiced, etc. Just my thoughts.

 

I am a strict practicing Catholic man. I want to eventually get married to a nice Catholic virgin. I feel like I have absolutely no hope of finding an acceptable wife.

 

I want a woman who will frequently have sex with her husband using the Natural Family Planning method approved by the Catholic church.

 

I am very depressed about the fact that the typical woman has had sex with multiple guys, gets married and refuses to have sex with her husband.

 

After everything I have seen, I just had to post my comments and ask for the opinions of the women here.

 

I lived with a few guys in my college housing. They were the stereotypical "bad boys". They were smoking marijuana, into petty theft, etc. Tons of women were having sex with them. The women always tolerated the fact that they never spent any money on them, refused to put up with her negative attitude, kicked her out when she got annoying, etc. They always came back for more.

 

However, none of these girls would marry a guy like that. It seems like they would tolerate this because they were actually interested in these kinds of guys.

 

But when they want to get married and have kids, they don't want anybody that poor or emotionally unstable. They get married to a "nice guy". This guy doesn't have any of the qualities that the guys they were having sex with did, and therefore, she probably resented him from the beginning, but wanted him to believe she liked him because of his mental or financial stability. He falls into the trap, and can't figure out why she doesn't have sex with him. Why she runs up his credit card bill when her boyfriends never spent money on her. Why she nags all of the time. Why she is always complaining about something.

 

Odds are, she isn't happy either. She feels entitled to his money, never feels obligated to have sex with him, shows no mercy in divorce court, etc. She probably figures that whatever misery she is putting him through is minor compared to her having to live with a guy she never really liked but thought of as a means to an end.

 

It is so depressing for me to think that my future wife will:

 

1) Have had sex with numerous guys that she liked.

2) Marry me because I am stable, even though she isn't really interested in me.

3) Have some kids with me and then refuse to put out.

4) Run up my bills.

5) Nag constantly.

6) File for divorce and use my kids as hostages against me.

7) Get awarded my home, a sizable amount of my money, and custody of the kids.

8) Talk bad about me in front of the kids while she brings home a new boyfriend every week.

 

Is it possible for me to find a Catholic virgin that will frequently have sex with her husband and not file for divorce? Do women even like sex? With the 60% divorce rate in this country, I feel like I almost have to spend some time in South America looking for a wife, where they only have a 3% divorce rate. Help!

 

 

Are you a virgin? If not, don't be a hypocrit. If yes, then stick to the church and hope for the best but whoever said that if she has managed to make it this long a virgin, she's not likely to have a high sex drive.

[xxoo]

OP, if you don't want kids, can't use contraception, and fear that NFP will fail: you don't have sex.

 

Very true. Never underestimate how fear of pregnancy can impact a woman's libido. A young NFP wife may be enthusiastic about sex and having babies, but may change her mind after a couple "surprise" pregnancies. This may explain all of the "headaches" you hear about years in.

 

Wanting to use NFP is fine and good, but does have some natural consequences--just like any other choice.

[whichwayisup]

Stick with your Church, I'm sure you'll find a nice girl there whom will meet your requirements.

 

Just know that most people, men and women, have a past. What counts is who they are today.

[Jeff1962]

To the OP. Dude, I mean no offense but your first problem is your religion. Do not get me wrong, I am extremley spiritual but you are basing your life upon a MAN MADE religion, not GOD.

 

So what if you meet a wonderful woman and she is not a virgin? Is she not to be human and have faults or desires that did not work out?

 

If you are looking for the perfect virgin, then marry the virgin Mary but I hear she is already taken and no longer a virgin.

[mem11363]

I married a nice catholic girl who turned out to be a fantastic wife/mom/lover.

 

No she was not a virgin. YES she has a great sense of right and wrong. We did have a physical relationship before marriage and we were/ARE very compatible in bed.

 

You can / might find a virgin but it MIGHT be because she dislikes/hates sex. So if you can live with 1 - than ALL your other concerns can be addressed. I always talked about money with serious GF's - there are plenty of females who are good/great with money - my wife is one.

 

You can tell if a woman is really into you by how sexual she is with you and by how she reacts to conversations about what married life will be like. This is how you avoid issues number 2 and 3. After dating gets serious you can ask some very direct questions like "I read a lot about how in many marriages the wife puts all her time and energy into the kids - leaving little to nothing for her husband including ignoring him sexually. What do you think about that?"

 

If you talk about MY money in a marriage you WILL end up divorced.

 

I do think you CAN find a virgin BUT if you do there is a good - maybe very good chance that your sex life will be very limited/very unsatisfying. Other than that - you can find someone who is deeply committed to marriage and to you but that ALSO means you can't act like a doormat after you put the ring on. Your wife will give you every bit as much respect as you deserve and DEMAND.

 

 

1) Have had sex with numerous guys that she liked.

2) Marry me because I am stable, even though she isn't really interested in me.

3) Have some kids with me and then refuse to put out.

4) Run up my bills.

5) Nag constantly.

6) File for divorce and use my kids as hostages against me.

7) Get awarded my home, a sizable amount of my money, and custody of the kids.

8) Talk bad about me in front of the kids while she brings home a new boyfriend every week.

 

 

 

 

Don't flame me. Nothing I say is meant to be prejudiced, etc. Just my thoughts.

 

I am a strict practicing Catholic man. I want to eventually get married to a nice Catholic virgin. I feel like I have absolutely no hope of finding an acceptable wife.

 

I want a woman who will frequently have sex with her husband using the Natural Family Planning method approved by the Catholic church.

 

I am very depressed about the fact that the typical woman has had sex with multiple guys, gets married and refuses to have sex with her husband.

 

After everything I have seen, I just had to post my comments and ask for the opinions of the women here.

 

I lived with a few guys in my college housing. They were the stereotypical "bad boys". They were smoking marijuana, into petty theft, etc. Tons of women were having sex with them. The women always tolerated the fact that they never spent any money on them, refused to put up with her negative attitude, kicked her out when she got annoying, etc. They always came back for more.

 

However, none of these girls would marry a guy like that. It seems like they would tolerate this because they were actually interested in these kinds of guys.

 

But when they want to get married and have kids, they don't want anybody that poor or emotionally unstable. They get married to a "nice guy". This guy doesn't have any of the qualities that the guys they were having sex with did, and therefore, she probably resented him from the beginning, but wanted him to believe she liked him because of his mental or financial stability. He falls into the trap, and can't figure out why she doesn't have sex with him. Why she runs up his credit card bill when her boyfriends never spent money on her. Why she nags all of the time. Why she is always complaining about something.

 

Odds are, she isn't happy either. She feels entitled to his money, never feels obligated to have sex with him, shows no mercy in divorce court, etc. She probably figures that whatever misery she is putting him through is minor compared to her having to live with a guy she never really liked but thought of as a means to an end.

 

It is so depressing for me to think that my future wife will:

 

1) Have had sex with numerous guys that she liked.

2) Marry me because I am stable, even though she isn't really interested in me.

3) Have some kids with me and then refuse to put out.

4) Run up my bills.

5) Nag constantly.

6) File for divorce and use my kids as hostages against me.

7) Get awarded my home, a sizable amount of my money, and custody of the kids.

8) Talk bad about me in front of the kids while she brings home a new boyfriend every week.

 

Is it possible for me to find a Catholic virgin that will frequently have sex with her husband and not file for divorce? Do women even like sex? With the 60% divorce rate in this country, I feel like I almost have to spend some time in South America looking for a wife, where they only have a 3% divorce rate. Help!

[make me believe]

First of all, I'm going to assume you're also a virgin based on your username. If you're not, then you are being EXTREMELY hypocritical and need to get over your unrealistic expectations of marrying a virgin.

 

If you ARE a virgin, I still think you need to maybe go to counseling to deal with your issues. Most people are going to have a past, yes. That does not make them bad people.

 

I guess you should stick to women within your church because they are more likely to meet your (unrealistic) requirements. However, you should understand that it's NOT uncommon for religious women (and men) to have issues with sex that can severely affect their marriages & sex lives. So your perfect Catholic virgin may not like sex BECAUSE of the fact that she's a Catholic virgin! The other posters are right -- somebody with a high sex drive who has a healthy view of sex isn't likely to be waiting until marriage.

[stuckinoz]

However, none of these girls would marry a guy like that.

 

Yes they do. Guys like that........GROW UP eventually & turn into respectible men who have good jobs & families. COLLEGE does end!!! Partying days do end!! People do grow up.

 

she probably resented him from the beginning, but wanted him to believe she liked him because of his mental or financial stability. He falls into the trap, and can't figure out why she doesn't have sex with him. Why she runs up his credit card bill when her boyfriends never spent money on her. Why she nags all of the time. Why she is always complaining about something.

 

Odds are, she isn't happy either. She feels entitled to his money, never feels obligated to have sex with him, shows no mercy in divorce court, etc. She probably figures that whatever misery she is putting him through is minor compared to her having to live with a guy she never really liked but thought of as a means to an end.

 

I'm not sure I quite understand ..... Who is SHE...Who are THEY? Is this just a generalization of how you think it is when someone is married or in a relationship?

 

It is so depressing for me to think that my future wife will:

 

1) Have had sex with numerous guys that she liked.

2) Marry me because I am stable, even though she isn't really interested in me.

3) Have some kids with me and then refuse to put out.

4) Run up my bills.

5) Nag constantly.

6) File for divorce and use my kids as hostages against me.

7) Get awarded my home, a sizable amount of my money, and custody of the kids.

8) Talk bad about me in front of the kids while she brings home a new boyfriend every week.

 

How on earth could you possibly know all of this is FOR SURE - Without a shadow of a doubt....... is going to happen to you?

 

Is it possible for me to find a Catholic virgin that will frequently have sex with her husband and not file for divorce? Do women even like sex? With the 60% divorce rate in this country, I feel like I almost have to spend some time in South America looking for a wife, where they only have a 3% divorce rate. Help!

 

LIFE - MARRIAGE Holds NO guarantees.

 

You seem to be obsessing about something that may or may not ever happen.

It's like worrying before you go outside if you'll get hit on the head with an airplane. (Yes I know this recently happened - SAD STORY - but the odds are so great)

Stop worrying about things that COULD - MAYBE - PERHAPS happen. You'll never find someone with that attitude.

 

Not bashing you for you post - but there are a lot of WHAT IF'S here.

[JamesM]

To the OP. Dude, I mean no offense but your first problem is your religion. Do not get me wrong, I am extremley spiritual but you are basing your life upon a MAN MADE religion, not GOD.

 

As a Protestant, even I disagree with you. While technically his religion is man made, that does not mean it is not Biblically based. And the Bible gives "rules" of living. If he believes that God wrote his rules in the Bible, then being a virgin is not man made.

 

So what if you meet a wonderful woman and she is not a virgin? Is she not to be human and have faults or desires that did not work out?

 

We all sin, but I think being a virgin is something that is consciously decided upon. This does not mean that a non-virgin is somehow unacceptable, but if our criteria includes marrying a virgin, then yes, she does not fit.

 

Does that make her not a Christian? No. Should the OP throw out his criteria for a virgin? No. Can a great wife be found that is not a virgin? Yes.

 

This is not about faults and being not a human. As said, W4M simply wants to marry a a virgin and is discouraged.

 

If you are looking for the perfect virgin, then marry the virgin Mary but I hear she is already taken and no longer a virgin.

 

Total disrespect for the OP's religion and uncalled for. Even as a Protestant who consider Mary less than divine, I find this offensive.

 

 

Waiting4marriage, the best advice has been given. The woman who meets your criteria will be found within your church. I can say that I know of Protestant women who are virgins, but obviously, this will not fit your criteria. If you do not find one in your immediate area, then visit other churches of your faith and in time, you will find one.

 

It will take some looking, but finding a woman who fits your criteria is not impossible no matter what people may say.

[WalkInThePark]

I am a strict practicing Catholic man. I want to eventually get married to a nice Catholic virgin.

 

Why make such a big point of the fact that a woman is a virgin or not. There is something in between being a virgin and having had a lot of sexual partners. Unless you meet someone at 16 there is a good chance that a girl has had a few boyfriends and has had sex with them. That does not mean she is not decent. Sex is part of life and it is part of relationships.

I think it is important to know that you are sexually compatible with someone. Not that you really "try" someone in having sex with them but it's just a natural evolution of a relationship. Just as you check whether you are compatible for other things, you find out whether you are sexually compatible by getting to know each other in that field.

 

NFP seems like a good system of birth control for people who have a solid relationship and can accept that there might come a baby despite the birth control. I have heard that when applied correctly, it is a very safe method (not 100 % though).

[Jeff1962]

As a Protestant, even I disagree with you. While technically his religion is man made, that does not mean it is not Biblically based. And the Bible gives "rules" of living. If he believes that God wrote his rules in the Bible, then being a virgin is not man made.

 

Yes the bible is a rule for living a healthy lifestyle, I'll agree with this.

 

I do not agree with man made religion or man made traditions when it comes to effecting my life. I believe in God not man.

[waiting4marriage]

Thanks for the replies. To those who asked... yes I am a virgin. That is a very important aspect of how I was raised. A lot of emphasis on not having sex before getting married. I hope that there is some woman out there with the same values.

 

It's not that there is anything "wrong" with the women who have had many sexual partners. It is just that they don't share my values. Also, I don't want to be the one that they refuse to have sex with.

 

That having been said, I feel like I am trapped in a Catch-22. When I am single, my religion says I can't have sex. After I get married, it will be my wife telling me I can't have sex.

 

Apart from the whole virgin thing, though, is it possible for married guys in general to have sexual relationships with their wives? Are there even any loving wives out there anymore? It is so depressing to think that it is impossible to have a long term sexual relationship with my wife.

[D-Lish]

Seriously, did you go to Catholic school? All those teenage girls walking around with their kilts hiked up to their butt cracks wearing communion crosses around their necks dangling in their cleavage? When I was in highschool, guys used to date the girls from the Catholic highschool because they "put out".

[xxoo]

Apart from the whole virgin thing, though, is it possible for married guys in general to have sexual relationships with their wives? Are there even any loving wives out there anymore? It is so depressing to think that it is impossible to have a long term sexual relationship with my wife.

 

Of course! Lots of marriages with kids (mine included!) are loving and sexual.

 

Look for a connection and shared values over a checklist. Remember that even women who share your values may have "failed" or "strayed" in the past. I'm not religious now, but my pastor as a child (a church that taught strict celibacy before marriage) married a woman who'd had a child out of wedlock before meeting him. She had a change of heart. They had a wonderful, loving marriage, and he raised her first child as well as the children they had together.

[waiting4marriage]

I know that there were a lot of sexually active Catholic schoolgirls. Going to a Catholic school (which I did grades 1-8) doesn't necessarily mean you take the religion seriously. Sadly, in a lot of cases the name on the school is a status symbol more than anything. I'm looking for a woman who actually took it seriously.

[dazzle22]

I grew up in a very conservative, albeit, Protestant home, so I understand the thinking that you were brought up with.

 

I am not trying to be critical of you here, just give you a perspective of how what you believe, sounds to an outsider... after all, I have been, in many ways where you are.

 

-your worries are based on black and white thinking - stereotypes..."all" women stop giving sex to their husbands, "all" women...and so forth. Rigid religous beliefs foster this kind of thinking and it simply is not true. It is "thinking in a very small box".

-yes, you are in a catch 22, because that what very conservative religions do to people. It constantly pits humans against their own natural instincts -now not all natural instincts should be followed, discernment is needed, but it labels natural desires as BAD or SINFUL in a very narrow way. One example is not letting priests marry. So, what does that do? It SELF SELECTS for men who have no interest in marriage...and who are they?....? So by the same token, you tell women they are sinning if they are sexual before marriage - what does that SELF SELECT for? For women who feel repressed, guilty, can't enjoy sexuality, and look at it as something they "give away" or must "preserve" or "not enjoy" before marriage, and then suddenly they are supposed to throw that away and be uninhibited in marriage. Not saying this applies to all, but it is the message young girls get pounded into their heads. I KNOW. I have had to fight with that monkey on my shoulder about sexuality for years.!

 

So, I guess I am encouraging you to expand your thinking a bit. Just entertain some ideas different from what you were raised with.

[D-Lish]

I find it amusing that an institution that demands celibacy from it's followers, insists that the barely legal female participants wear short hemmed kilts and knee socks:eek:.

 

It's like putting out bowls of smarties at a weight watcher's meeting and then slapping the participants for eating them.

[dazzle22]

I find it amusing that an institution that demands celibacy from it's followers, insists that the barely legal female participants wear short hemmed kilts and knee socks:eek:.

 

It's like putting out bowls of smarties at a weight watcher's meeting and then slapping the participants for eating them.

 

 

That is so funny! And so true! How many men's fantasies, and certain types of movies..ahem, are based on that scenario of the Catholic girl in the short skirt and knee socks!

[waiting4marriage]

People here have said that it is possible to have sexual relationships with their wives. That's good to hear.

 

But what am I to make of the "sexless marriage" references made everywhere and from most of the married guys that I know? I wish it were easy for me to believe that something that positive could happen to me, but I just don't see much enforcement for that kind of belief.

[dazzle22]

"Bait and switch" can go both ways in marriage. If you do not know a person long enough before you marry them, they can put on a good front for AWHILE..(my ex did, because I only knew him 9 months before marrying him). I think it takes about 3 years of seeing a person in all kinds of settings and situations to really ferret out who they really are.

 

Some, and notice I say some only, some women are looking for men because their biological clocks are ticking, and they want to be taken care of. That is why men should WAIT so the motives "out" themselves.

 

You also need to be realistic that if a woman lives in fear that everytime she has sex, there is a high likelihood she will get pregnant because she cannot use a reasonable form of birth control, and she already has had, let's say, 4 "accidents" which is not uncommon for catholics, she is not going to be very excited about sex which leads to more wailing mouths and drudgerous chores and damage to her body. And she's going to be so exhausted by the kids, which most mothers are, it saps away her sex drive. That is the unvarnished truth of marriages where there are passles of kids...It's not the lovely "Cheaper by the Dozen" scenario.