One of my girl friends...

[counterman]

One of my closer girl friends has been dating her boyfriend for over a year now. Back track to last year after my break-up, she was one of the girls I was interested in and when I thought things were going well with our first long conversation, she slips it in that she has a boyfriend...

 

We were talking about formal events and dates we had and she goes "oh yeah, I went with my boyfriend". That's cool. We became pretty good friends during that time and I enjoy talking to her. She's bubbly, cute and just fun to talk to.

 

Now, a lot of guys are smitten with her. And, I notice she does the exact same thing each time she talks to them for the first time. The guy gets all excited and there's a lot of laughing and whatnot and then...she slips in something about her boyfriend. I've seen her boyfriend and I will say she is much more attractive than him, not meaning to offend. He's not really the social type and he really sticks to himself. I get the slightest of feelings that everytime I see him, he wants to beat me up. Anyways, I haven't really had the chance to hang out with her... and it is a bit disappointing. I think she is so loyal to her boyfriend that she would not even consider hanging out with her guy friends. She sticks to herself a lot when not around her boyfriend and it seems like she's really hooked up on her boyfriend.

 

One of my friends, the one I was talking about in my other thread who is interested in the girl I asked to "meet up" with, was also interested in her but upon finding out that she has a boyfriend, he was frustrated. I laughed at this because it is a noticeable trend. Then, I told him I thought he was better looking than her boyfriend. He expressed even more frustration about this, jokingly of course, and said "it's sad when you know that you are "better"".

 

I want to know, what do people do let others, who are interested in them, know that they are not available?

 

Also, do you think he has such a hold on her that she fears that hanging out with her guy friends will upset him? Or, is this purely her choice? Everything seems so regimented, it's either work, study, boyfriend, alone and minimal time for friends.

[USMCHokie]

I want to know, what do people do let others, who are interested in them, know that they are not available?

 

I've been available for about 97% of my life...never felt it necessarily to come up with a contingency plan for this scenario...

 

 

Also, do you think he has such a hold on her that she fears that hanging out with her guy friends will upset him? Or, is this purely her choice? Everything seems so regimented, it's either work, study, boyfriend, alone and minimal time for friends.

 

The only thing I know is that this is unhealthy...and one day she will either pull her head from her ass and realize what has happened to her life and her identity and leave on her terms, or gradually become bitter at what he has turned her life into and stay unhappily in the relationship...a classic case of "losing one's self" in a relationship...certainly happened to me...

[Leia]

And here I thought you started a thread on me

 

I want to know, what do people do let others, who are interested in them, know that they are not available?

 

When they get too close for comfort, I tell them I'm in a relationship. Most of the time, some guys would already assume that I have one without asking.

 

Also, do you think he has such a hold on her that she fears that hanging out with her guy friends will upset him? Or, is this purely her choice? Everything seems so regimented, it's either work, study, boyfriend, alone and minimal time for friends.

 

If that is the case, I agree with USMCHokie that it isn't healthy for her. Could be it is her personal choice, who knows.

 

I know for a fact that I can't live my live like that. I have to have my friends around and a lot of them too!

[carhill]

I want to know, what do people do let others, who are interested in them, know that they are not available?

If women suddenly, without warning, in an unprecedented move, decide to chase me around the coffee table, something I doubt will ever happen, I'll just put on that 49.95 gold wedding band stbx bought for me, remind myself of the 'good times' and they can think what they will

[Crazy Magnet]

If I think a guy is interested when he first meets me and I am taken, I will mention something about my boyfriend.

 

On the second point, I do not hang out alone with guy friends that my BF has not met or does not feel comfortable with. I tend to stick to hanging out with my girls when I'm in a relationship b/c it makes for less drama, jealousy, and hurt feelings PLUS guys rarely just want to chill as "friends." It seems they always have other reasons.. I've got two pretty decent guy friends, but one I only hang out with in groups, and the other I try to make sure we go several weeks between lunches/hanging out. Most of my friends are the same way. We limit time spent with other men when we're in an R.

[ADF]

Unless this woman's BF is incredibly naive, he knows perfectly well that men almost never go out of their way to make friends with women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. A woman can pretty much assume most, if not all, of her male friends have the hots for her. Slipping in comments about her BF is a perfectly reasonable way for her to signal she's not available. Guys just need to get it through their heads that throuhgout their lives, they will meet women who they find attractive but who, for whatever reason, will not be available. They need to get over this nonsense about thinking they're "better" than the current boyfriend and thus more deserving of her attention. It doesn't work like that.

[counterman]

The only thing I know is that this is unhealthy...and one day she will either pull her head from her ass and realize what has happened to her life and her identity and leave on her terms, or gradually become bitter at what he has turned her life into and stay unhappily in the relationship...a classic case of "losing one's self" in a relationship...certainly happened to me...

 

I think I may have set the wrong tone to this thread. She seems pretty happy with where she is at now. She's always happy and she seems delighted with her relationship. I should mention that I don't know the details of her life but that's the impression I get. I asked her, what do you do on your breaks at university and she says she reads. Fair enough. I love reading too. But, she doesn't really hang out. It feels as my friendship with her can only go as far as talking in class or during little breaks.It seems like she doesn't give 2 cents about the friendship as long as she has her boyfriend. I certainly hope she isn't losing herself in the relationship. I have lost myself before and it's good to be back doing the things I love.

 

And here I thought you started a thread on me

 

You wish

 

I know for a fact that I can't live my live like that. I have to have my friends around and a lot of them too!

 

Same. I need to have my friends around as well, maybe not a lot but I do need to have them around.

 

If women suddenly, without warning, in an unprecedented move, decide to chase me around the coffee table, something I doubt will ever happen, I'll just put on that 49.95 gold wedding band stbx bought for me, remind myself of the 'good times' and they can think what they will

 

That would definitely get a message across:p

 

If I think a guy is interested when he first meets me and I am taken, I will mention something about my boyfriend.

 

When they get too close for comfort, I tell them I'm in a relationship. Most of the time, some guys would already assume that I have one without asking.

 

This seems to be what she's doing but I have also noticed that she brings up her boyfriend in other conversations too. It's like we know you have a boyfriend, you don't have to bring him up. In saying that, I use to bring up my girlfriend, back when I was in relationship, quite a bit. I spent heaps of time away from my friends though, so you could imagine that it would seem like it's her, her, her.

 

On the second point, I do not hang out alone with guy friends that my BF has not met or does not feel comfortable with. I tend to stick to hanging out with my girls when I'm in a relationship b/c it makes for less drama, jealousy, and hurt feelings PLUS guys rarely just want to chill as "friends." It seems they always have other reasons.. I've got two pretty decent guy friends, but one I only hang out with in groups, and the other I try to make sure we go several weeks between lunches/hanging out. Most of my friends are the same way. We limit time spent with other men when we're in an R.

 

I think it's better if she hangs around her girl friends rather than with guy friends alone, for the reasons you stated above. I actually think that her boyfriend came to visit her in some of our lectures to see her guy friends but of course we all wouldn't talk to her normally with her boyfriend right next to her. As for myself, if I do hang out with her alone often, I know that there's every chance that something may happen emotionally between the two of us. I would never ever try anything funny though.

 

Back to the other point, one of my other girl friends told me, when I was still with my ex, that I gave off this vibe that I was "untouchable", meaning I was in a relationship. I thought it was ridiculous but I think many did assume that I had a girl friend even when I didn't say anything.

[counterman]

Unless this woman's BF is incredibly naive, he knows perfectly well that men almost never go out of their way to make friends with women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. A woman can pretty much assume most, if not all, of her male friends have the hots for her. Slipping in comments about her BF is a perfectly reasonable way for her to signal she's not available. Guys just need to get it through their heads that throuhgout their lives, they will meet women who they find attractive but who, for whatever reason, will not be available. They need to get over this nonsense about thinking they're "better" than the current boyfriend and thus more deserving of her attention. It doesn't work like that.

 

I definitely agree with that. She is with him for a reason and, no matter how much someone else thinks their better, does not mean he deserves her more.

[Leia]

She's always happy and she seems delighted with her relationship.

 

Could it be ... this is her first serious relationship? What do you think?

 

I asked her, what do you do on your breaks at university and she says she reads. Fair enough. I love reading too. But, she doesn't really hang out.

 

Yea I have friends that read all the time. ALL THE TIME! Which is fine by me. But how sure are you she doesn't hang out? After school, maybe? Somewhere outside the university? I don't know if I can ever not hang out

 

It feels as my friendship with her can only go as far as talking in class or during little breaks.It seems like she doesn't give 2 cents about the friendship as long as she has her boyfriend. I certainly hope she isn't losing herself in the relationship. I have lost myself before and it's good to be back doing the things I love.

 

She's probably very comfortable living her life this way. Just her and her bf. No one else matters.

 

Some people do lose themselves when in a relationship. Happens all the time. Not a good thing, of course and I really people would realise that before it's too late.

 

I had friends that will disappear as soon as they have a bf/gf. When things start to go downhill, that is when they come back to their circle of close friends. So typical. I hate that.

 

You wish

 

As long as I know you think of me off LS

 

This seems to be what she's doing but I have also noticed that she brings up her boyfriend in other conversations too. It's like we know you have a boyfriend, you don't have to bring him up. In saying that, I use to bring up my girlfriend, back when I was in relationship, quite a bit. I spent heaps of time away from my friends though, so you could imagine that it would seem like it's her, her, her.

 

I think a lot of girls do that! I don't bring bf up unless someone else asks me about him or is talking about relationships. Last week, I met up with BFF and another schoolmate of ours. BFF and I hardly ever bring our partners up cos we have a lot of catching up to do so husband/bf is the last thing we talk about and yet, this other woman brought her husband up all the time! Every freaking subject! I have a lot of married friends and they don't talk about their spouse ALL THE TIME!

 

I actually think that her boyfriend came to visit her in some of our lectures to see her guy friends but of course we all wouldn't talk to her normally with her boyfriend right next to her.

 

You can do that over there?

 

Back to the other point, one of my other girl friends told me, when I was still with my ex, that I gave off this vibe that I was "untouchable", meaning I was in a relationship. I thought it was ridiculous but I think many did assume that I had a girl friend even when I didn't say anything.

 

Yea ... friends say the same thing about me even though I don't say anything about being in one [unless asked]. It would be weird to announce "I have a boyfriend!" out of the blue!

[counterman]

Could it be ... this is her first serious relationship? What do you think?

 

I would say it is her first relationship. I am not quite sure how long it has been going for but it definitely started towards the end of high school at the least.

 

Yea I have friends that read all the time. ALL THE TIME! Which is fine by me. But how sure are you she doesn't hang out? After school, maybe? Somewhere outside the university? I don't know if I can ever not hang out

 

Yeah, what's with that? I had a stage where I just read and read. My friends thought that I was weird. I am not too sure whether she hangs out or not. I cannot picture myself not chilling; it would drive me mad! So, she probably does but I wager she's mostly with her boyfriend. I think I just really miss talking to her that's all.

 

She's probably very comfortable living her life this way. Just her and her bf. No one else matters.

 

Some people do lose themselves when in a relationship. Happens all the time. Not a good thing, of course and I really people would realise that before it's too late.

 

I had friends that will disappear as soon as they have a bf/gf. When things start to go downhill, that is when they come back to their circle of close friends. So typical. I hate that.

 

She definitely seems comfortable with the way things are going. She strives to just pass her studies, so not ambitious in that regard. She is also a really nice girl. I hope she isn't that kind of nice girl that thinks anything that goes wrong in a relationship is her fault. Actually, I don't think she's like that.

 

Some people do lose themselves and I would say I was guilty of that. I did disappear on my friends a little.

 

As long as I know you think of me off LS

 

Hmmm, wouldn't you like to know whether I think of you off LS?

 

I think a lot of girls do that! I don't bring bf up unless someone else asks me about him or is talking about relationships. Last week, I met up with BFF and another schoolmate of ours. BFF and I hardly ever bring our partners up cos we have a lot of catching up to do so husband/bf is the last thing we talk about and yet, this other woman brought her husband up all the time! Every freaking subject! I have a lot of married friends and they don't talk about their spouse ALL THE TIME!

 

It gets annoying when it happens all the time. That's the thing, if you have catching up to do, there would be other stuff to talk about too. I suppose she doesn't talk about her boyfriend all the time then.

 

You can do that over there?

 

Yep, people can attend lectures they aren't suppose to. Don't know why anyone would bother. I suppose it's okay, unless the person is really disruptive.

 

Yea ... friends say the same thing about me even though I don't say anything about being in one [unless asked]. It would be weird to announce "I have a boyfriend!" out of the blue!

 

It most definitely would be weird. My friend spoke to this girl a week or so ago and out of the blue during their conversation she just says "anywho, I have a boyfriend". Yeah, so what? So, do others, even some guys.

 

I guess I just miss talking to her. She's a girl that anyone can talk to and she is pretty. It is no wonder that many guys like her.

[JustJoe]

Counterman, first you say that you value her friendship, then you say that you would like something more. Which is it? She is trying to be polite and telling you to "back off", by mentioning her BF. Take the hint, and don't try anything with her. Look at it from her point of view. She knows that she is attractive, and that guys would like to get closer to her, but she is happy in her relationship. Why can't you leave her alone? You sound like you're stalking her.

[counterman]

Counterman, first you say that you value her friendship, then you say that you would like something more. Which is it? She is trying to be polite and telling you to "back off", by mentioning her BF. Take the hint, and don't try anything with her. Look at it from her point of view. She knows that she is attractive, and that guys would like to get closer to her, but she is happy in her relationship. Why can't you leave her alone? You sound like you're stalking her.

 

No, you're getting me completely wrong. For God's sake, she's my friend and she has a boyfriend. Wanting something more? That's disgusting. Anyone you knows me can tell you that I would never do something like that. Trying anything with her?! Are you kidding me? I am merely lamenting the fact that I haven't spoken to her a while and would love to be able to just hang out like I do with all my other friends. However, I understand that she has her own lifestyle and, if she wanted to hang out, she would ask.

 

We're pretty good friends. It's just I haven't seen her in a while or gotten to speak to her and I miss talking to her. I mean, I even spoke to her about my break-up and about anything. She is an awesome friend and she never ever had to drop a hint or tell me to back off in anyway because she understands and I understand that I AM HER FRIEND AND I DON'T HIT ON GIRLS WHO HAVE BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLS WHO ARE MY FRIENDS. Clear? Good.

 

Look, there's nothing to leave alone because she isn't there. No, I am not harassing her and I am not a monster. Yes, she is attractive. Yes, a lot of guys like her. Yes, she is happy in a relationship. I just wish that I could hang out with her like I do with my other friends. Simple? I understand that's not the case and that's cool. I am sharing a perspective of one of my friends who was interested in her then found out she has a boyfriend; she has a lot of guys smitten (which is a subject in my first post). I find it awesome that she is so likeable and a bit amusing that other guys are met with the same issue as my friend.

 

Stalking her? Please.

 

Look Joe, you have insulted me with your post. I understand we all have opinions but, next time, if something is not clear, just ask the original poster to clarify. Do not go on accusing or insinuating anything because you never know if you are saying something that is completely invalid and rude and that it could quite probably offend someone. Keep that in mind for next time.

[JustJoe]

Dude, I didn't do anything. You said" I know that there's every chance that something may happen emotionally between us". You said it, I didn't. I didn't accuse you of hitting on her. But if she is mentioning her BF, that means that guys (not necessarily you) are trying to get too close. If she wants to talk about her BF, let her. You seem to be bothered way more than she is. Obsessing about it isn't a good thing. Many of my friends talk about things that I have no interest in, but because they are friends, I listen.

Edited March 26, 2010 by JustJoe

[counterman]

Dude, I didn't do anything. You said" I know that there's every chance that something may happen emotionally between us". You said it, I didn't. I didn't accuse you of hitting on her. But if she is mentioning her BF, that means that guys (not necessarily you) are trying to get too close. If she wants to talk about her BF, let her. You aren't her boss.

 

Read the line before that. I said if I am alone with her often. There's been manny threads about guys and girls being in purely platonic relationship and some would argue that girls and guys cannot be just friends. In that respect, I do not think it is a good idea at all for her to hang out alone with any guy friend when she has a boyfriend.

 

You implied a lot of things and said some things directly, Joe. Many of which is a false presentation of my character. Now, you even suggested that I am trying to control what she talks about. It's cool that she talks about her boyfriend. Hell, I use to talk about my girlfriend all the time.

 

I agree that if she is mentioning her boyfriend then guys may be trying to get too close. However, it's not purely the case. It's a preemptive strike that even guys, who have girlfriends already, know by her mouth that she does have a boyfriend. She makes it clear. Now, my ex-girlfriend never did that, she didn't respect our relationship to tell guys to back-off. I admire my friend for doing that. Though, she has mentioned that there was this other girl that she works with who kept going on and on about her boyfriend and she didn't find that too amusing. She can talk about whatever she wants and so can I and so can you.

 

Now, let's get back on topic shall we?

 

I want to know, what do people do let others, who are interested in them, know that they are not available?

 

Also, do you think he has such a hold on her that she fears that hanging out with her guy friends will upset him? Or, is this purely her choice? Everything seems so regimented, it's either work, study, boyfriend, alone and minimal time for friends.

 

Since, you've answered the latter, how about the former? I was hoping for some entertaining stories of how some people meet someone their interested in only to find out the person is in a relationship already.

 

This guy was chatting up this girl on IM and she was enjoying it heaps and then when he thought he was getting somewhere, she goes "hey, you know what? I reckon you'll be a good friend for my boyfriend".

[JustJoe]

. My college GF worked part-time at the campus newspaper, and there was a dude who really had the hots for her. She told him from the first, that she was in a relationship, but it didn't seem to get through to him. He tried to insinuate himself into her life, saying that they were friends, but He was always telling her how much richer, handsomer, and better, he thought he was, and how they would make such a good couple. She reported him to the Editor, finally, after he came up behind her and put his arm around her waist, in front of the other staff. My GF quit, and came home crying. I then proceeded to beat him severely. I had not wanted to interfere, but he stepped over the line.

[JustJoe]

So, Counter, IF she says that she has a BF, that alone should stop any guy from expressing any interest in anything more than platonic friendship.

[counterman]

. My college GF worked part-time at the campus newspaper, and there was a dude who really had the hots for her. She told him from the first, that she was in a relationship, but it didn't seem to get through to him. He tried to insinuate himself into her life, saying that they were friends, but He was always telling her how much richer, handsomer, and better, he thought he was, and how they would make such a good couple. She reported him to the Editor, finally, after he came up behind her and put his arm around her waist, in front of the other staff. My GF quit, and came home crying. I then proceeded to beat him severely. I had not wanted to interfere, but he stepped over the line.

 

Good on you for beating him. I wouldn't have tolerated that myself and should have taken a few of the guys that crossed the line with my ex.

 

So, Counter, IF she says that she has a BF, that alone should stop any guy from expressing any interest in anything more than platonic friendship.

 

Definitely. Any guy who keeps pressing is just asking for it.

[JustJoe]

As to what her relationship is with her BF, that's none of anybody elses's business. If they are happy, that's all that matters.

[counterman]

As to what her relationship is with her BF, that's none of anybody elses's business. If they are happy, that's all that matters.

 

No, I couldn't agree more. If she's happy with what she haves, then that's all good.

 

In saying that, I am allowed to speculate and ask for various perspectives. Of course I know all that matters is that they're happy together but I like to learn more about different situations. It's not as though I am going to go up to her and say "hey, you must stop this and that because blah blah". Pfft, that would be silly. She lives her own life.

 

When I talk to her, I talk to her. Nothing changes between us because of this thread. I am still her friend and will always be.

[Leia]

Whoa. Chillax people.

 

I'm sure counterman knows his boundaries, Joe. He's not going to do anything he's going to regret later. Know him too well

 

I know what you mean about missing your friend, Liam (not his real name). I have this good friend of mine, M. He's awesome, witty and funny. He comes up with the silliest lines whenever we talk. Recently, he got himself a gf and I hardly hear from him, let alone get to hang out with him.

 

We used to talk about relationships, movies and anything under the sun. Nowadays, it's even hard to get a reply from him whenever I text him. I miss talking to him, I miss hanging out with him. It's such a shame to lose a friend due to 'too busy to hang out with you cos I have a gf/bf'.

 

So I get where you're coming from, Liam.

[make me believe]

Well, this girl may be a little TOO flirty/friendly if all of these guys are interested in her and don't realize she has a bf until she drops him into the conversation later. She must be coming off as available and should probably mention her bf sooner, or quit flirting so much. I know that when I meet new guys I do NOT give off a vibe of availability. My best friend is the opposite, and we've had guys mention to us that when they first meet us they assume I have a bf and she is single, because of the way each of us acts. However, in reality, we're both in relationships. This girl may have the same flirtatious vibe my friend does. IMO it's inappropriate when you're in a relationship.

 

HOWEVER, I think this is a perfect example of how guys are never really friends with girls. They always want/hope for something more! You are spending way too much time speculating about and judging this girl's relationship.

 

Also, do you think he has such a hold on her that she fears that hanging out with her guy friends will upset him? Or, is this purely her choice?

 

Either way, who cares? It could be a combination of both, or maybe she's just happy with her bf and chooses to spend her time with him rather than male "friends" who are secretly judging her bf as anti-social and unattractive?? I mean, really.

 

It feels as my friendship with her can only go as far as talking in class or during little breaks.It seems like she doesn't give 2 cents about the friendship as long as she has her boyfriend. I certainly hope she isn't losing herself in the relationship. I have lost myself before and it's good to be back doing the things I love.

 

Dude, you need to mind your own business. You said yourself that she seems happy & delighted with her bf. Then why wouldn't she want to spend a lot of time with him?? She can probably sense that you & all the other guys who are pretending to be her friends are really hoping for more, and so out of respect for her relationship she chooses to minimize her time with you.

[counterman]

Whoa. Chillax people.

 

I'm sure counterman knows his boundaries, Joe. He's not going to do anything he's going to regret later. Know him too well

 

I know what you mean about missing your friend, Liam (not his real name). I have this good friend of mine, M. He's awesome, witty and funny. He comes up with the silliest lines whenever we talk. Recently, he got himself a gf and I hardly hear from him, let alone get to hang out with him.

 

We used to talk about relationships, movies and anything under the sun. Nowadays, it's even hard to get a reply from him whenever I text him. I miss talking to him, I miss hanging out with him. It's such a shame to lose a friend due to 'too busy to hang out with you cos I have a gf/bf'.

 

So I get where you're coming from, Liam.

 

Thanks, Leia. That's the way I feel.

 

Well, this girl may be a little TOO flirty/friendly if all of these guys are interested in her and don't realize she has a bf until she drops him into the conversation later. She must be coming off as available and should probably mention her bf sooner, or quit flirting so much. I know that when I meet new guys I do NOT give off a vibe of availability. My best friend is the opposite, and we've had guys mention to us that when they first meet us they assume I have a bf and she is single, because of the way each of us acts. However, in reality, we're both in relationships. This girl may have the same flirtatious vibe my friend does. IMO it's inappropriate when you're in a relationship.

 

HOWEVER, I think this is a perfect example of how guys are never really friends with girls. They always want/hope for something more! You are spending way too much time speculating about and judging this girl's relationship.

 

It is probably the flirty vibe, a bit of friendly banter but she does let it be known early that she a boyfriend.

 

It was only the other day when my friend brought something like this up that I thought about this. I don't think some of you realise the nature of my friendships with my friends, especially those that are girls.

 

Either way, who cares? It could be a combination of both, or maybe she's just happy with her bf and chooses to spend her time with him rather than male "friends" who are secretly judging her bf as anti-social and unattractive?? I mean, really.

 

It is just gaining some perspective on the matter. One of her closest girlfriends told me that her boyfriend was antisocial and she knows him better. From what I gather, that's the impression I got. Of course it doesn't matter. If you're trying to imply that I want something more, then I've already explained enough.

 

Dude, you need to mind your own business. You said yourself that she seems happy & delighted with her bf. Then why wouldn't she want to spend a lot of time with him?? She can probably sense that you & all the other guys who are pretending to be her friends are really hoping for more, and so out of respect for her relationship she chooses to minimize her time with you.

 

Point taken. Yes, I am pretending to be her friend so I can get in her pants. C'mon. Like I said for the billionth time, I am just trying to gain some perspective so I could learn about a situation. It's an observation. I would spend a lot of time with my girlfriend as well and I would spend some time with my other friends. I don't get where all this is going. It was made clear that I am her friend and I have been approaching other girls. Honestly, I would like to talk to her about that too.

 

Her relationship is her business and her boyfriend's. It has nothing to do with me or anyone else for that matter. I am, however, allowed to gain some perspective on the matter of my friendship with her and how that is affected. And, of course, on the other point which I think people are getting off track from.