trueluV Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 okay, so this is about a really good guy friend of mine. not a fwb, so i'm confused and don't know how to look at this. i actually posted a thread about him here 2 years ago, and we met up in 2 years last night, so here i am again. for background info: this guy and i have been good friends for a year(then, so 3 years now), good friends as in encouraging each other, meeting up and talking when in difficult times. but the thing is i always sort of liked him (a light crush??) one night, we hang out as friends, but that night changed us as we ended up sleeping with each other. he was really sweet and we cuddled and he held me through the entire night making me think i am in a sweet relationship. after that night we got a bit awkward and somehow we didn't contact each other (of course there were many short emails in between but we never hung out like friends before). so 2 years pass, and i miss him so much, i write to him and he replied right away saying he wants to see me too and we meet up that very night, which was yesterday. we talk for almost 5 hours, purely friend talk and how we missed each other. after that ...! again! i go to his place and we cuddle (we did not sleep with each other this time) and kiss for many hours! he holds me and kisses me on the forehead too and when i woke up in the morning, he was still holding me and my hand (fingers to fingers), kissing my hair,forehead...very sweet. i had to go to work so i left earlier, of course saying bye to him and he hugged me so sweetly. my concern is, what will happen next? and though i have feelings for him and i do think he has too, to me, but i am not sure. he is a good guy friend and i feel that when we're having conversations -not on bed- but in bed he becomes a totally different guy and wants to cuddle with me and kiss me so much. it's so confusing for me... what do you guys think? thanks for reading such a long post
BobSacamento Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I felt like I just read a screen play for a Lifetime movie. I would say if he asks you out to some place or somewhere, treat it like a date. I take it your fear is that you don't want to be a FWB but a relationship. This is going towards a FWB.
MalachiX Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I agree you need to initiate a date or treat your next encounter as one. If things feel awkward, simply ask him flat out what exactly you guys have together. He may want to be in a relationship but there are also some guys who are just very affectionate when cuddling. I'm one. I felt like I just read a screen play for a Lifetime movie. I've worked on those and they don't have screenplays. The director takes a brick and repeatedly bashes himself in the head with it. After a few minutes he starts screaming in comprehensible orders to the crew through a mouth of blood and broken teeth. He is then taken to a hospital and a trained chimp takes over the movie and completes photography. True story.
Author trueluV Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 so it's possible he can be very sweet and affectionate when we cuddle but not have any feelings to me?? then, it's so sad yes, i have feelings for him, he's a sort of a crush, as i said earlier. He's so sweet to me, i forget we're friends when i'm cuddling with him. and he kisses me on the forehead a lot too, so i feel he just doesn't think i'm a fwb (we only slept with each other once, two years ago)....don't know!! i'd definitely have to wait and see, only time can tell, i guess! I'm just scared a bit i'll be hurt since i like him, if he doesn't see me more than a friend.
counterman Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I think see what the next outing is like. Personally, I do not like to assume things. If I were in your situation, I would ask him directly what you guys have together and ask him how he feels about you. His actions does show that he does feel something for you but you can never be sure.
boogieboy Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 so it's possible he can be very sweet and affectionate when we cuddle but not have any feelings to me?? Well he cant be mean to you if he wants to sleep with you! Its too early to tell though, but you need to either ride this out and dont sleep with him, or ask him straight up what he wants.
ADF Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 You do have a FWB relationship with this man. The meetings are only more widely spaced in time than is usually the case.
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 The old story OP, assuming you've been unattached and demonstrably so, meaning he hasn't seen you with a BF and/or you have told him directly you are single, IMO, he doesn't have the relationship skills to be a healthy partner if he does have interest, or he doesn't have romantic interest, or he is gay. Way back yonder, even when I was shy and still a virgin, the only thing which stopped me with female 'friends' was their relationship status. Unless they were clearly unattached, it was hands-off (physically). I didn't care what they said (women can be 'convenient' about when/where they are single); it was perception of their circumstances. Perhaps things have changed over the decades with all this 'FWB' stuff, but I'm not seeing you and he have a sexual relationship, which defines FWB, unless I missed something. He's an unstart FWB; there's no lift-off. 'What do you want here?' would be a good start. Then, watch his actions. How many BF's have you had during this time? Is/was he aware of them? Well, that's one guy's perspective; one who once did some of the things this guy is doing. Hope it works out for you
Author trueluV Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 The old story OP, assuming you've been unattached and demonstrably so, meaning he hasn't seen you with a BF and/or you have told him directly you are single, IMO, he doesn't have the relationship skills to be a healthy partner if he does have interest, or he doesn't have romantic interest, or he is gay. Way back yonder, even when I was shy and still a virgin, the only thing which stopped me with female 'friends' was their relationship status. Unless they were clearly unattached, it was hands-off (physically). I didn't care what they said (women can be 'convenient' about when/where they are single); it was perception of their circumstances. Perhaps things have changed over the decades with all this 'FWB' stuff, but I'm not seeing you and he have a sexual relationship, which defines FWB, unless I missed something. He's an unstart FWB; there's no lift-off. 'What do you want here?' would be a good start. Then, watch his actions. How many BF's have you had during this time? Is/was he aware of them? Well, that's one guy's perspective; one who once did some of the things this guy is doing. Hope it works out for you thanks for your analysis. i don't think i am fwb with him, as we didn't start out physically. i think we had mutual interest toward each other though we maintained friends(since 2 years ago) and when we got a chance to be alone in a private space (his place) we just couldn't hide it and it happened, and we ended up sleeping with each other. just once till now, which was two years ago. as i said, i didn't sleep with him last time when i met him, and we were just kissing a lot and cuddling and missing the times. and again, our intention was not about physical when we met, because we met at a restaurant and ended up talking till closing time (we talked for 5 hours). that's when we went to his place. i haven't had a boyfriend in between and he knows this. the thing is he is not a player type at all, but he fears commitment (which i know since he was my friend to start off with), and as a friend of him, i don't want to give him any pressure. but at the same time, i have feelings for him so i have expectation and hope this can grow to something more-in time. i guess a lot of you will be telling me he won't change his mind and i'll get hurt, move on. i know, but IS THERE such way of making this develop into something more? your 2 cents will be greatly appreciated
carhill Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 So, what happened after you slept together two years ago? What was the dynamic? Silence? Discussion? Did he run off? Did he think having sex meant a commitment? What? Why do you think he fears commitment? Has he told you why? I'll give an example. The friend in my journals told me directly that she chooses men whom she can't get close to simply because it's easier; easier to deal with issues; easier to leave. She said she often pushed 'good' men away, men like myself, simply because she didn't want to get entangled emotionally or, as you put it, be committed. She didn't think she was worthy. Over time, I came to accept this and saw us as incompatible, regardless of whether the long-time connection was real or not. Does this ring any bells? What's your friend's story? If you have true intimacy, you should know these things. Here's a hard question: If he was available *and* able to commit, would he be as attractive as he is? Don't answer right away. Think about that. That shift changes a lot of who he is; his behaviors, his aura, many things. During this two years, have you met any commitment-minded men; men who showed you they wanted to be committed and in a LTR? How did that feel?
Author trueluV Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 So, what happened after you slept together two years ago? What was the dynamic? Silence? Discussion? Did he run off? Did he think having sex meant a commitment? What? Why do you think he fears commitment? Has he told you why? I'll give an example. The friend in my journals told me directly that she chooses men whom she can't get close to simply because it's easier; easier to deal with issues; easier to leave. She said she often pushed 'good' men away, men like myself, simply because she didn't want to get entangled emotionally or, as you put it, be committed. She didn't think she was worthy. Over time, I came to accept this and saw us as incompatible, regardless of whether the long-time connection was real or not. Does this ring any bells? What's your friend's story? If you have true intimacy, you should know these things. Here's a hard question: If he was available *and* able to commit, would he be as attractive as he is? Don't answer right away. Think about that. That shift changes a lot of who he is; his behaviors, his aura, many things. During this two years, have you met any commitment-minded men; men who showed you they wanted to be committed and in a LTR? How did that feel? thanks so much for your deep analysis and trying to help me out here with this issue. i really appreciate it. He is quite an important friend/guy in my life as you can tell since i have a post about him from more than 2 years ago, so i really would like to have an idea of this. So, answering your questions: after we slept together (2 years ago), i made a mistake of texting him that very afternoon and asking him how his day is going, and sent 2 more that day.-i was much more naive back then and my feelings to him grew so much after that incident and i simply missed him so much (even just for a few hours,) i did this, if i look back. and of course as a guy i think he felt the pressure and it was obvious i liked him, and the awkwardness started. he did reply to me right away in a very nice tone, and replied to all of my texts that day. and then i started to maybe expect more and thought there was hope. since he's been my friend, i know he hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time and he told me he doesn't want one at this stage of life. he is trying to build himself in his field and he doesn't want any pressure from a girl. (he's a real free-sprited guy, not a player type at all though) He told me this when we met few days ago too, that he fears getting pressure from a girl. so that's why i think he doesn't want a girlfriend. so, going back to 2 years ago story, he replied to all my texts and emails, and when the email reply from him even got a day late he explained why and told me sorry for delaying. and maybe i started to think he is backing off and stopped talking/contacting him. after no contact for a few days he called me and i freaked out and couldn't talk to him. we did meet that night (that's the night my old post was about, the one you attached to your thread )but i felt rejected again. but after that we met again (like friends) but i felt awkward (maybe just me) and felt his distance so i didn't call/reply to him for 2 years until a few days ago. (sorry as it seems my story is in bits and pieces.) I'll think about your last question in the meantime. thank you.
Author trueluV Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 carhill, okay i read 'the old story' you linked and brought more memories back. I'm missing more info there about contacting him right away: i did contact him with a few texts, but after thinking he is backing off or doesn't want pressure i didn't contact him for a while, but he called me and that's the night we met again and about the story. from that night's behavior i felt really rejected and closed my heart to him, and maybe i'm the one who started to show distance between us. i never initiated contact to him after that incident, but he would text me from time to time asking how i'm doing , but i replied in a very cold way all the time. so it's basically me feeling the rejection and the distance and i cut contact with him. and me contacting him again in 2 years and he replying right away and wanting to meet me. but then again, he still fears commitment. that has not changed.
Norville_Rogers Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Just like men aren't mind-readers....neither are you. Just simply ask the guy. Communication is the key to any relationship.
Author trueluV Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Just like men aren't mind-readers....neither are you. Just simply ask the guy. Communication is the key to any relationship. yes, you are totally right. but i am afraid to ask as it has a high chance of ruining the "friendship" between us. Asking shows i'm attached to him and therefore will give him pressure, and will make him back off again and i don't want that. and again, i am assuming things here. the thing is, i really like this guy, and i want to keep in touch and meet him as friends than as him feeling the pressure and loosing everything we have. sort of sad though but i really don't want to loose him.
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