Trying to keep the door open while I keep busy. Hoping for second chance.

[rose45]

First off, i have been dating and trying to keep busy.

 

Was with my ex for 3 and a half years..it was petty stuff i think that broke us apart..fighting over things i regret..noone cheated..we did have alot of love..he broke it off...a year later i leave him a vmail and he calls me back right away and i tell him all these regrets after a few minutes..basically he said he couldnt just jump back into this which waas understandable and that we will exchange calls and meet..we talked for a few months pretty much every few days...hour convos, 2 hour convos..soemtimes longer..i think we needed that to get comfortable...he admitted he doesn't want to be serious with anyone right now..too much going on and wants to get his financial situation more stable and how he is barely breaking even with money etc..2 months went by after the holidays that we didn't speak and he didn't call and i finally questionined what was going on and here is the latest info:

 

He basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me.

 

I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did.

 

I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. He said he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer?

 

I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future.\ or what he wants. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year? Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.

 

I tried getting as much direct info as i could and think of all the questions i wanted to ask...i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting me he would have been seeing someone already or looking and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk.

 

He also mentioned at some point in the convo I'm sure you don't want me to just call you randomly to go to dinner or watch a movie. I didn't say anything ot that and I wish i had.

 

I called him a few nights later to talk since he said we could. We spoke for over an hour. I decided to ask you don't want to see me randomly? and he paused for a moment and i said you can say no and he said its not about no, i know you don't want that. I said i never expected to see you once and then that was it, its not realistic. And he said ok, i guess (kinda agreeing) I joked saying don't sound too enthused and he said sorry about that. I asked if he was against this and he said he was not against it and I said well i guess soon? and he said soon, let him get his head together. I dropped the subject after that because I didn't want to press it or become annoying.

 

A good friend said call him once a week just to keep in touch even if he doesn't and to keep that friendly vibe going and try to atleast just get that first meeting in....

 

Am I handling this well? I hope he doesn't disappear. Please write back. Thank you!

Edited March 26, 2010 by rose45

[USMCHokie]

I see this same exact stuff from you every week...keeping the door open doesn't mean calling him every week and trying to stay in his life...parasites do that...do him and yourself a favor and take a break from each other...completely...maybe for 6 months, maybe a year...both of you are being so wishy washy that it's almost annoying...and your "good friend" gives terrible advice...just because you take a break from each other doesn't mean that you're destined never to speak again...learn to live completely without each other for a while...keep busy, as you say, but keep busy with yourself...

[dreamer0123]

I see this same exact stuff from you every week...keeping the door open doesn't mean calling him every week and trying to stay in his life...parasites do that...do him and yourself a favor and take a break from each other...completely...maybe for 6 months, maybe a year...both of you are being so wishy washy that it's almost annoying...and your "good friend" gives terrible advice...just because you take a break from each other doesn't mean that you're destined never to speak again...learn to live completely without each other for a while...keep busy, as you say, but keep busy with yourself...

 

I agree! I know it's hard- we are all going through it... and I'm sure most of us wish and hope things were different and we were all treated differently... but honestly you have to make the effort to change in order for your guys' relationship change (for the good or worse).

 

It sucks, it's not easy and not fair. But you have to at least try- because if not.. things won't change at all... and you'll be in this exact spot.

 

Vent on here We are here to help...

[rose45]

well we already did that. I stayed away with no contact whatsover for a year so that has already been done in terms of being completely without him...i already showed i can live my life without him even with him knowing it hurt to do so....he knows i am making a big effort to show the changes i made but i even said there isn't really a way to show you over the phone.

 

my "good friend" gave me that advice b/c from knowing the situation i guess and being around him here and there..she thinks not having that contact with him--we would lose whatever type of closeness we formed talking again and would have to start that over in a sense.

Edited March 26, 2010 by rose45

[MrsPeaSoup]

It's good that you lived a year without him, you know. That shows you are able to 'survive' without him. And that he still isn't over you means something, I guess. Maybe that you are meant to be together again or not. It's not to tell yet.

 

I know that you are more lucky than I am

 

But what to do now?

 

Maybe leave him be for a few weeks with his own thoughts. Let him make up his mind. Maybe say it to him that you'll leave him be for a period, just to give him a little bit of space.

Try to make up your own mind about it. Do you want to be with him again or not? Try weighing pros and cons. After a some time, contact him again with your decision and ask him what he wants to do with it.

 

I hope it will work out for you and him again, for true love cannot die easily. As it is now, the situation shows the love of both of you hasn't died away, not even after a whole year (which is a LONG period).

So now it's up to you to decide if you want to go for him again or move on.

 

 

Hope this helps a bit?

[rose45]

well he actually called me last night which was a nice suprise..we chatted for about 30 minutes. It got me a little flustered and nervous because i wasn't expecting it but i was happy he called. But i hope i didn't say anything wrong.

 

I felt like maybe it sounded like i wasn't listening well--i think it was being nervous and also being tired. I mentioned it being cold and he said tomorrow is supposed to be better weather than today. And about a minute later i asked is it supposed to rain tomorrow and he said no its supposed to be better than today..later i regretted that because maybe it sounded like i wasn't listening..i was just trying to make light convo though. After 30 minutes or so he said alright starting to hang up (he has work on saturdays) so i said u wanna get some sleep right? ( i hope it didn't sound like i was quesitoning him..i wasn't trying to at all) and he said yeah..so i said have a good day tomorrow