JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I doubt anyone will have any words of wisdom that will make me feel better, but it's nice to have a place to vent I am 48, my SO is 55. We've been together for almost 2 years. We have always had a very strong, healthy sex life. I know that his age is working against us, as well as the fact we are well past the 'honeymoon' stage. I get that. Coincidentally or not, his sex drive completely died the same week I forced him to end an emotional affair with someone he was communicating with, someone who lives a thousand miles away in Colorado. And while he maintains that he has no interest in watching pornos with me because he finds them "boring", he watches them online every chance he can. In the mornings I leave for work about 10 minutes before him, and he goes straight online and watches them for as long as he can before he has to leave for work. When I run errands he's watching them, too. I wish he would watch them with me! I don't understand why he's denying it, acting like a prude when I know he's a closet perve LOL I can only imagine he's lost interest in me and takes care of himself in a daily fashion like our sex life used to be, or, his 55 year old libido has finally started working against him and he's trying to get himself geared up again. Or maybe his old flame in Colorado was what fueled our sex life in the first place, and now he has lost interest in me. I just don't know! We went from "daily" to twice in 2 months. I miss it very, very much.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I doubt anyone will have any words of wisdom that will make me feel better, but it's nice to have a place to vent I am 48, my SO is 55. We've been together for almost 2 years. We have always had a very strong, healthy sex life. I know that his age is working against us, as well as the fact we are well past the 'honeymoon' stage. I get that. Coincidentally or not, his sex drive completely died the same week I forced him to end an emotional affair with someone he was communicating with, someone who lives a thousand miles away in Colorado. And while he maintains that he has no interest in watching pornos with me because he finds them "boring", he watches them online every chance he can. In the mornings I leave for work about 10 minutes before him, and he goes straight online and watches them for as long as he can before he has to leave for work. When I run errands he's watching them, too. I wish he would watch them with me! I don't understand why he's denying it, acting like a prude when I know he's a closet perve LOL I can only imagine he's lost interest in me and takes care of himself in a daily fashion like our sex life used to be, or, his 55 year old libido has finally started working against him and he's trying to get himself geared up again. Or maybe his old flame in Colorado was what fueled our sex life in the first place, and now he has lost interest in me. I just don't know! We went from "daily" to twice in 2 months. I miss it very, very much. So what you are saying is you have averaged 6X's/wk for over 2 years and he's 55!!!! I'd count my lucky stars..... Ah fun with numbers:p BTW I'd confront his porn habit and tell him to enjoy it, but the real thing is waiting and won't accept the situation......
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 There's gotta be something going on. Have you tried couples counseling, assuming you wish to remain with him? If nothing else, it might help you better spot the guys with unresolved pasts in the future. Just a wild guess, but, if it was an EA, the dwindling sex is due to him *wanting* to have sex with her, even if he didn't; it's a shift in perspective. My sympathies.
Lizzie60 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I think his libido is healthy... he just doesn't want sex with you anymore.. for some reasons.. He probably is still in this EA and jerk off just to have his sexual needs met quickly while watching porn.. he probably got addicted (like so many men) on online porn.. there are a lot of variety (all kinds of fetishes), it's quick to release his sexual tension, therefore he has become a selfish and lazy lover.. Time to have a very 'serious' talk with him.. and if it doesn't change, then you got to decide if you want to live with him.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It sounds like he no longer sees you in a sexual context - perhaps as a result of anger/resentment that he has buried. On a subconscious level, he may have put you in a mother/caretaker (nonsexual) role because of the way he was forced to end the EA (angry at Mommy issues). Whatever the case, it does not sound like he is 'not attracted' or anything, just that he has removed you from a sexual context. It is definitely worth getting to the bottom of. I have a feeling once that buried anger/resentment is lanced and drained that things may get back to normal.
PandorasBox Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It sounds like he no longer sees you in a sexual context - perhaps as a result of anger/resentment that he has buried. On a subconscious level, he may have put you in a mother/caretaker (nonsexual) role because of the way he was forced to end the EA (angry at Mommy issues). Whatever the case, it does not sound like he is 'not attracted' or anything, just that he has removed you from a sexual context. It is definitely worth getting to the bottom of. I have a feeling once that buried anger/resentment is lanced and drained that things may get back to normal. I agree with this. That is what is sounds like to me as well. Anger/resentment can kill sexual passion for another person.
spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It sounds like he no longer sees you in a sexual context - perhaps as a result of anger/resentment that he has buried. On a subconscious level, he may have put you in a mother/caretaker (nonsexual) role because of the way he was forced to end the EA (angry at Mommy issues). Whatever the case, it does not sound like he is 'not attracted' or anything, just that he has removed you from a sexual context. It is definitely worth getting to the bottom of. I have a feeling once that buried anger/resentment is lanced and drained that things may get back to normal. This one sounds good, but we don't know him or your situation the way you do. I'd suggest confronting him about the porn, telling him you think it's unhealthy for YOUR RELATIONSHIP and asking him to stop. If my wife had done that one thing, simply communicated with me honestly about how she felt about ANYTHING, we'd still be together. I can tell you this, when I watched porn very often I was fantasizing about my wife. Finally, distance makes the heart grow fonder. You might try backing off, way off for awhile.
giotto Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 sorry, but why are you with this guy? He was having an emotional affair? And now he doesn't want to have sex with you, but he watches porn online whenever he can? Sounds like a big time loser to me... why are you putting up with all this sh*it?
xxoo Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I am 48, my SO is 55. We've been together for almost 2 years. We have always had a very strong, healthy sex life. I know that his age is working against us, as well as the fact we are well past the 'honeymoon' stage. I get that. Under 2 years should still be in the "honeymoon" stage. If he had an EA within the first 2 years, I'd say he's "just not that into you" (or whatever the saying is). It isn't going to get any better from this point on. And while he maintains that he has no interest in watching pornos with me because he finds them "boring", he watches them online every chance he can. In the mornings I leave for work about 10 minutes before him, and he goes straight online and watches them for as long as he can before he has to leave for work. When I run errands he's watching them, too. I wish he would watch them with me! I don't understand why he's denying it, acting like a prude when I know he's a closet perve LOL. Sex issues aside, he's lying. If he is supposed to be rebuilding trust after the EA, he's doing a crappy job of it. It sounds like he isn't very invested in the relationship. I'm sorry.
Fouts Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I think his libido is healthy... he just doesn't want sex with you anymore.. That's about it Jane, not much you can do. If it makes you feel better, though most would never admit it, a good majority of relationships end up that way. So you have alot of company.
Author JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Just a wild guess, but, if it was an EA, the dwindling sex is due to him *wanting* to have sex with her, even if he didn't; it's a shift in perspective. I'm thinking this probably nailed it right on the noggin'. Our relationship started out pure and strong, but one of them initiated contact again out of the blue. Reading my old journal from back in early 2009, I can make a very good guess just about when they started talking again. I just don't know how to confront him about the porno without sounding like a bitch or a mother. Confrontations are not easy for me!
Author JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Finally, distance makes the heart grow fonder. You might try backing off, way off for awhile. Sprig I've been trying that the past couple of weeks, and I've noticed him slowly creeping towards my side of the bed a little more each night. It's almost as though he wants to cuddle with me, but he's afraid to or something? I dunno. I gave up trying a few weeks back, I think he's finally starting to figure that out!
Author JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Sex issues aside, he's lying. If he is supposed to be rebuilding trust after the EA, he's doing a crappy job of it. It sounds like he isn't very invested in the relationship. I'm sorry. Actually, he's very invested in our relationship. My ex has been dragging his heels big time about finishing up our divorce paperwork (he's had the papers for 4 months now, claims he keeps 'forgetting' them) and it's been driving Mike crazy lately. He's wanting us to get married, and then get a house together, and he started a savings account for my daughter. The account is in HER name, not his. So I'd say he has good intentions of staying with me and wants this relationship to work out. Having said that, from my point of view marriage is NOT on the table at this point in time. I understand that his lying about the porn is not a good thing, but hell, if I waited around for a guy who would never lie to me about anything, well, I'd die an old, very lonely woman. Nobody's perfect, least of all me.
Author JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 sorry, but why are you with this guy? He was having an emotional affair? And now he doesn't want to have sex with you, but he watches porn online whenever he can? Sounds like a big time loser to me... why are you putting up with all this sh*it? Everyone makes mistakes. He came clean, apologized, and the EA is completely over with. I know this for a fact but I don't want to explain because I don't want to change the subject. He's not a loser, he's a very good decent man who is having a hard time making his way through life, like a lot of us do. I miss the sex very much, but it's not the only thing in a relationship, certainly not the most important. His other qualities make him worth the effort of "fixing him up."
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I just don't know how to confront him about the porno without sounding like a bitch or a mother. Confrontations are not easy for me! 'Why do you look at porn instead of having sex with me?' 'Because I imagine having some kind of connection with someone that I can't have with you because I feel so distant from you, like you won't let me in.' That's one example, based in our dynamic. Change porn to EA for another example. If BF had an EA and no PA, especially if the EA went on for awhile and didn't escalate to sex, that (emotion not sex) may be what he wanted. Maybe. A connection. To me, this is what 'thinking' relationships does to them. Perhaps he never felt an elemental connection with you and thought his way through things. Perhaps the reverse, IDK. Perhaps he never sensed, erroneously or not, that you felt a connection with him; desired him on an elemental level. MC taught me how clear communication and acceptance, even if painful, is key to health. You probably have better relationship skills than I did, so can work all this out without help. Something has to change. What? IDK. Clearly, an EA is unhealthy and inappropriate. Porn as a substitute for real intimacy equally so. I owned stock in unhealthy for a good long while. Dividends suck
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Confrontations are not easy for me! This is a line straight out of my wife's handbook and mine too. Here is what I've noticed about confrontations between my wife and me. When I imagine confronting her it seems like there is an impenetrable stone wall looming before me. When I finally get the nerve up to go ahead and scale the wall it turns out the wall is an illusion and all that is really there is a thin paper barrier. Push a little and you'll pass right through. This WAS the case when we still loved each other.
giotto Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 He's not a loser, he's a very good decent man who is having a hard time making his way through life, like a lot of us do. I miss the sex very much, but it's not the only thing in a relationship, certainly not the most important. His other qualities make him worth the effort of "fixing him up." Doesn't look like he wants to be "fixed-up" to me... He needs IC... you will resent him on the long run, especially if you are not very good at "confrontations"... I hope his other qualities will be good enough for you to be able to spend the rest of your life with him, possibly with no sex...
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