NotaBadGuy Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 Hello all, I am trying to make sense of some things. Married in May 03. Wife (20), me (27). Wife basically left me several months ago for another guy (or so I thought). It was planted in my head that she was seeing, intimate, involved with this other guy. This was compounded by me finding her over this guy's house at 1am in the morining twice. She moved out after me catching her the 2nd time. Next few weeks after that were basically verbal assaults on each other over various issues. She then files for divorce at the beginning of December. No real contact with her from Thanksgiving on. Christmas week, she calls and tells me to get on with my life and that I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. Tells me that I need to realize she is gone and that she will never be coming back. That she is sorry for what has happened, but that I did not try to make things work out (which I did). And that she would never be contacting me again. Contacted me yesterday and spent the good part of the day together. Talked about everything under the sun. Told me I would someday see that us not being together would be for the best. Found out most of the things I had been told she was doing was totally inaccurate. Said she has feelings for this new guy, but does not want a relationship right now, even though he would like one. Says they have been to eat and to movies. Says the only pysical contact was some kissing, but nothing more. Why was I contacted and for what reason? I cannot figure it out. The divorce will be final in several weeks. She said she just wanted to see how I was doing. I have known it was basically over for some time now and never figured to hear from her again, so what gives? I have been going out of town to avoid running into her and have been getting on with my life. No women or dates, but personally. Just trying to figure things out. Any comments appreciated.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 If you ask me, she's trying to play you. Sounds like she's trying to keep you emotionally in her orbit. Keep in mind, you "found out" from HER that the things you heard she was doing were inaccurate. Don't you think she might have an agenda? It would be hard for you to stay in her orbit, emotionally, if you continued to think she was just a cheater. She's apparently fed you a line to the effect that she isn't. I'd keep away from her from now on. Start dating again. Once the divorce is final, don't speak to her again if you can avoid it. Being with her, whether married or not, platonic or otherwise, will simply keep you confused and make you question your resolve and your own judgment and instinct. You don't need her. Take it from me... I know. My serial cheating TBXW has invested a lot of effort in trying to "play" me in the 2.5 months since I moved out. It took awhile for me to realize that's what she was doing.
darling Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 You know, it is really hard to judge people's behaviors. But one thing to keep in mind is just because she said something doesnt necessary mean it is true. Your heart and mind wants to believe it to be true because you want to defer all that pain. But darling, if she didnt stick around for the marriage, that means you really dont want her anyway. If you broke up now, then you are going to break up again and again. As for her intentions for calling you back... since your divorce is not final, i find her calling you quite fishy. Maybe she wants you to agree to give her stuff in the divorce or fool you into succumbing into some of her demands. I dont know really. But i just wouldnt trust it. If I were you, i would wait until after the divorce is final before i correspond with her again on a friendly basis. ~darling
NotaBadGuy Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 Reservoirdog1, I wonder the same thing about whether I am being played. I did find out from her about the non-cheating. She disclosed some things that HAVE happened, but denied others. The main issue revolved around the wife of a friend fo mine who is also a good friend of hers. This person would always tell me the "dirt" on my wife, but never was it mentioned what she was doing. Now it comes to light that apparently she has been doing the dirt and conveniently passing it off on my wife. I know it sounds like I believe everything that I was told, but I'm not. I am very aware of what I am saying and how it may come across. I'm just trying to make sense of the whole thing. She did not see me even flinch during any of the conversation and I wished her well with whatever she did in the future, even should she wind up with this guy. Darling, I understand that what she says to me does not mean it is true. But some of it makes complete sense. The friend seemed to have conveniently passed the "negative" attention to my wife and our relationship so that noone would see what she was doing. See, the guys involved on the other side are room mates. I never fully trusted this friend anyway. I just could not pin point what it was about her and she always thought I did not like her - which was actually her knowing I could see through her transparentness. As for her wanting things in the divorce, that is not even an issue. All has been resolved with the finality of the divorce except for the judges signature. There is nothing she wants. So I really do think her calling is fishy because there is no real rhyme or reason to do it. She said she called and has wanted to call for some time, btu figured I would not answer my phone or would screen my calls. She said she was wondering how I was doing and wanted to see me. Whatever any of that means. Just looking for helpful insight. It is very easy to give advice, but it is much harder to take it. That is why I appreciate the helpful insights anyone may give. Thanks.
darling Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 I am sorry notabadguy. I believe that your friend's wife would on pass her negative actions on to someone else. People tend to do that to defer attention of their own misdemenours. It is horrible because it made you lose trust in your wife, therefore, ending your relationship... As why she called you, it could be what she said... she missed you and wanted to see how you were. That was a nice gesture on her part. Perhaps over time, you two will be able to really be friends. Meanwhile, you just focus on yourself, your dreams and goals. Afterall, you come first!!! I also wanted to tell you that it is great how you have managed the whole situation. You seem to be very mature and very strong. It is impressive. I am also sorry that your marriage didnt work out how you would have hoped. ~darling
NotaBadGuy Posted January 13, 2004 Posted January 13, 2004 Darling, Thanks for the positive response. I do feel sort of robbed by the whole friend passing on her action situation to ultimate demise of my marriage. Yes, I would have handled the situation completely different with my wife at the time had I known the reality of what was going on. At the same time, I do not believe that my wife was completely faultless in the situation. See, I caught her at this guys house 2x at 1am in the morning. All blame was passed to me for not trusting her and this was ultimately the straw that broke the camels back - so she left. I was later told I was controlling, manipulative, selfish etc... I am none of those things. I cared enough about making my marriage succeed that I searched for answers to what was going on. In time, my instincts led me into the belly of the the situation. I pled my case and stated I would do anything to make the marriage work. Ultimatley, she decided she was not as ready to be married as she thought she was - of course at my expense. She is still involved with this guy and has told me she does not know right now whether she wants to get into a relationship with him or not - but that she really likes him and does not know what she wants. It does not make sense why she would be contacting me now after alomost a month of no contact. I think she thought I would be cold an callous towards her and it would help her make up her mind about whatever it is she is thinking. We went to lunch and I was as cordial and polite. She said at some point that the next time to make contact was up to me and that I owed her dinner since she paid for lunch. I don't know what to make of it. As for my dreams and goals, I graduate from graduate school in May of this year. That was a burden on the relationship from the start because it was and continues to be very demanding, thus not as much attention was given to her needs as probably should have been at the time. I blame the guy for taking advantage of a married woman at a vulnerable time - telling her what she wanted to hear, giving her the attention she so desired, making her feel as if she was a priority over other priorities, etc... I blame her for knowing the dynamics of our sitution and the demands school put on me and our relationship, knowing that it was only temporary, and choosing to find refuge in another, whether it only be emotional or physical. I blame myself for having placed her in a position where she felt as if she had to turn to another to be there for her. Time heals and it gets easier to deal with day by day. I was just caught off guard by her call and with trying to figure out what the reason behind it might have been. May have been an ulterior motive and maybe not. Again, thanks for the response and positive feedback. It means a lot to me. As my name says, I'm not a bad guy.
darling Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Dont blame yourself!!! PLEASE DONT!!! If she was a good woman as she probably claims to be, she should have supported you all the way during your graduate school career. I know how much work, time, energy and effort that needs to be invested in that. She should have appreciated your hard work and tried to make the process easier for you. She should have known that in the end, both of you would benefit. But she is young and it is hard for her to understand that. Sweety, it seems to me that she is quite selfish and not at all patient. As for her call, forget about it. Dont try to think about it or what her intentions were. It will only give you a headache and remind you of all the pain you are trying so hard to heal. She might have wanted to wash herself of all her sins and stop feeling guilty, she might want you to still care about her, she might want to rub it in your face that she moved on, she might still have feelings for you... the reasons are endless. But which one is accurate? only she would know. And if you asked her, she wont be totally honest. So, it is best to just leave it alone. I guess your main order of business is to FINISH GRAD SCHOOL, then you are a free man to go pursue whatever dream of your liking. You can then meet a woman who is compatible to you, intellectually and emotionally. AND YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS!!! A woman should respect a man who is trying to further his own mind!!!! ~darling
NotaBadGuy Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Darling, It seems to me that I am winning and losing at the same time. Yes, education and all is very important to me. I have worked very hard and long to acheive what I have educationally. I was not predicted to be anywhere close to where I am presently. But for some reason, it has little meaning to me right now. The career path I am in has endless and limitless opportunities and I have tremendous support from those around me. But it still doesn't click to me that way. I go through the motions on most days. I have a fairly decent job right now that I have had for the last 3+ yrs. I feel as if I have earned everything I have worked so hard for. That is why I place such an emphasis on education. She is also in school. But it seems to be a joke to her. A social gathering of sorts. Not much studying and when there was studying, it would be hours before the big test. I guess it is just best to chalk this one up as a lesson learned. Don't know what the lesson is, but one day hopefully I will. I guess what they always say is true, nice guys do finish last (at least relationship wise). As for the call and trying to analyze it, you are correct that the possibilities are endless and that only she knows why. I have come to the same conclusion as you, to just leave it alone. It is not worth my time and energy to figure out. I know I have done no wrong (outside the faults I previously discussed) to have her flee to the refuge of another man. I was in it for the long haul. Shame on her for taking the easy way out. Shame on me for taking my education seriously enough to want to be the best at what I do so I could ultimatley give her the best of me. Instant gratification versus delayed gratification. I guess thats what it comes down to. Thanks for the positive feedback....I need it. I will finish grad school and be able to say I gave my best. So in the end, I am winning and losng at the same time.
darling Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 People always tend to look at the short term gratification rather than the long term one. It seems as though so many people tend to lose patience now a days to wait around long enough to see what would happen if... We are in the "Microwave generation". Everything has to happen NOW, NOW, NOW. Now, ten minutes is waiting too long. Lose weight in ten days, cook in five minutes, and so forth. People are always looking around for the next best thing, therefore forgetting that the best thing is or was sitting right next to them. They lose out on the true beauty of life. The forget to look at the sun rise every morning and the sun set every afternoon. They forget to smell the sweet scent of the flowers in the spring. They just let life pass them by, while they are chasing after their self destructive dreams!!! Sorry, I got carried away!!! Anyway, you only have 4 months left until you can add an MA after your name. Those very initials increases your prospects of of an extra zero on your paycheck!!! Just be patient. I am sure that you will find the woman for you. Maybe not today and maybe not tommorrow but you will soon. Just let go of your emotional baggage. No relationship succeeds when you have that weighed on your shoulders. Song that comes to mind is Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady". All good comes with time. I am a firm believer in that.
NotaBadGuy Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Darling, Thanks again for the helpful insight. We do live in a generation of "nowness." It is sad but true. I realize that ultimately I am better off. I just use this forum as of now to vent my frustrations and to gain words of wisdom that the members her provide. The way it may come across here is that my emotional baggage is all over the place. That may be the case at times, but for the most part, I dig deep into my soul to push on. I don't believe you got carried away at all. It all makes perfect sense. Why worry about the future when you have today is the mentality. I have ventured down the path/road of self destruction in my life already and know personally where it ends. Luckily, I was able to pull myself out of the vacuum I had been sucked into and saw that what was gong on and what was reality were two completely different things. As I did, some have to learn the lesson the hard way. However, most are not strong enough or have dug themself so deep that they cannot get back out. I am fortunate in that respect. I will truimph in these times of dissatisfaction and despair. It will only make me stronger in the long run, but over time, not over night. I have the chance to make a difference in the world and strive to do so. I am a true and genuine person who values integrity and morality. Hopefully this will be to my advantage at some point in life.
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