Britney23 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Issue #1 I have recently moved closer to my boyfriend but sharing with housemates because he wasnt ready to move in with me. Previously, I was living an 1 hour and 1/2 drive away from him and everything - my work, university, friends, him were all where he was so I would stay at his house a lot, like 4/5 times per week. I had my own key and it would be fine for me to be there when he wasnt,etc. Now I only live 15/20 mins drive from him and I only see him about 2 nights per week. I guess its not that convenient for me anymore. The thing is though I dont think he even cares! It still feels like I am the one making sure we spend time together all the time together. I have this intensive course for this week and next and told him I wont be able to see him that much. But somehow I still seem to be making the effort. Issue #2 A friend of mine (not a close friend) is having her engagement party on saturday and my boyfriend and I have known about it for about 2 months. My boyfriend had said he was coming and I had reminded him several times, then 2 days ago he says he probably wont be able to come because he needs to go to the motorbike shop to get a quote about fixing his bike. He has 2 other bikes and a car so its not his only form of transport and the third bike still works just sometimes stalls if he accelerates too quickly. The bike shop closes at 12 and he can't get any more time off work to fix it. Needless to say I was very disappointed because we had planned this for ages, I'd bought a present from the both of us and I have been doing an intensive course this week so we've only seen each other briefly at my university graduation held on tues for about half an hour. I am doing the course next week as well so will have lots of preparation to do this weekend so the sat morning was the only real time we could spend time and do something together. His argument is that I will have all my friends there and he will be left out. It is true that in this group of my friends most are single or dont bring their boyfriends out with us so i decided to just let this go (after spending half an hour telling him how disappointed i was but he would not budge on his decision) so i made alternative arrangements to go with my friend. Issue #3 Then yesterday afternoon I told him how much I miss him and how it felt like he didnt miss me. He said he did but thought I was busy and how I never asked him directly to come over (which is true) and he's not a mindreader. So i was like "fine, when can i see you then? can you come here and we can go out for dinner?" He said "probably tonight I will call you when I've finished working on the bike (when it gets dark). So he calls me and asked if I wanted to go to the comedy night near his house which didnt start for 2 hours and goes til late. I said "oh i've had a really long day, can we do it another time and you just come to my house for dinner." He said "it depends, i'll ask his housemate to go with him and if he's busy then he will see me." His housemate wanted to go so we didnt see each other. I was soooo upset. I thought he was suggesting the comedy night for something we could do together and I didnt know that if I didnt want to go he would ask someone else. He just said he really wanted to go, he's been talking about going for ages (its on every week!) He said I could still go but with him and his friend (no thanks). apparently he asked if i wanted to go last week but i said i was too tired and we could go the following week so tried to say "i had cancelled our plans and he doesnt get upset with me, he just finds someone else, and i should do the same with him." so sorry this is long but am i the one been selfish here? is he just been a typical guy (he's 24)? or is he just not that into me? on a side note - he has completely changed his hygiene habits to make me happy. and on the night of my graduation he sat with my parents who both said what a lovely couple we make, etc... I dont know! I'm just so over feeling like this. I was so upset last night that I was crying into the phone and he didnt even care.. Oh btw I did use the break up card to try and get him to change his mind. He said that I was trying to control him and i'm been manipulative, which is probably true. but i dont know what else to do!! Help me!
aerogurl87 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 OP hate to say it but it seems he's checked out of the relationship or is in the process of doing so. Move on because he most certainly will and it will probably be soon.
Author Britney23 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 ok well thanks for reading my post and replying... its not that easy to just break up with someone you're in love with but i am tending towards that way. we have been together for just over 2 years so its hard. I am scared that I won't meet anyone better so I will regret breaking up with him... I made a list of all his positive aspects that I have to take into account, He's good looking and has a good body (thought i'd start with the superficial stuff)Smart/ambitiousFunny - can make me laugh even when I'm very angry or sadMakes me feel attractive - compliments me heapsaffectionatetrying to make me happyvery loyal he would never cheat on me and I trust him 100%committed to me - he doesnt threaten to break up with me ever and talks about us like we have a future, i.e. marriage, etcdoes apologise when in the wrongis an optimist - never dwells on the negativeHas a full life and still makes time for me most of the timeAlways calls me back and replies to my messages eventuallyDoesn’t criticize meNot a jealous or controlling bone in his body – I can go out whenever I want, wear whatever I want...Secure – knows who he is and is happy with himself, never doubts my love for himSupportive – lets me stay at his house whenever I want, I can discuss my problems with him and he gives me the best advice he canLovingMature… in some waysIs happy with me and doesn’t try to change me! Accepts my flaws.I can show my true colours and not be ashamed or worried that he’s going to think less of me.Does that change your answer in anyway
Spygurl Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 it's a tough call, Britney. But it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to stay in spite of the fact you feel it may be over. Good luck!
MalachiX Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I don't know what your relationship is like as no one really can without being in the relationship themselves. That said, from your post it seems clear that you have some big issues that he's not willing to deal with and you're trying to find excuses not to break up because you feel it would be too hard (I can sympathsize). Even your list is a bit suspect: trying to make me happy: How hard can be trying if he won't go anywhere with you and doesn't make an effort to see you. Once again, I don't know how your relationship works but he doesn't seem to be trying as hard as you'd like. does apologise when in the wrong: Didn't seem to apologize for all the stuff recently... Has a full life and still makes time for me most of the time: Doesn't seem like this is the case at all based on your post. Always calls me back and replies to my messages eventually: You've been together for two years. Calling you back is not a luxury. Making time with you is more what you should be concerned about. Not a jealous or controlling bone in his body – I can go out whenever I want, wear whatever I want... : Great but could that simply be because he's less invested in the relationship. I'm not saying he should be controlling but giving you freedom happens to be a perk of dating an emotionally distant man (I know, I am one). Supportive – lets me stay at his house whenever I want, I can discuss my problems with him and he gives me the best advice he can: Once again, doesn't gel with your post. Maybe there's another side to him I'm missing... Mature… in some ways: If you say so... Look, your list indicates you clearly love this guy so I certainly don't think anyone but you is in a position to decide if you want to stay with him. I do think it might be healthy though to give your relationship a cool-off period. The danger right now is that you may be sticking it out not out of love but because you're emotionally dependent on him. Why not take a few weeks to get your own identity back? You've clearly got friends so spend more time with them, pursue hobbies, and learn to stand on your own two feet. Perhaps then you'll know whether or not you need him or whether this relationship is right for you. Maybe you'll realize that you're not satisfied and feel OK about breaking up. Maybe you'll find that you're actually happy with more laid-back relationship and will stick together. The point is that you're clearly unhappy now and should do something to fix that.
boogieboy Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 He has a life Britney, he called you out on what you wanted and you failed it. He told you that you never asked him to go to you for dinner, then when he does, you tell him youre busy. So he took someone else. You kinda deserved that. He's not going to let his life stop because youre needy. You need to go hang with your friends and let him miss you. with your #1 - if you keep making all the effort, he doesnt have to. You already told him this, but he knows, and nagging him wont change it. You have to actually stop making the effort. #2 - he never wanted to go to the engagement party. Its a girls thing, and you'll have to expect that he doesnt want to go to such things. He should have told you no from the beginning, but he didnt want an argument. #3 - when you keep telling someone you miss them, they never have to miss you. Hes comfortable and knows youre not going anywhere. Sounds like youre verbally smothering him, you need to slow down. The more you push, the more you push him away. He's 24, and youve been with him for 2 years. If hes attractive, he knows he has options, he can probably easily trade up from you. So if you want him to do that, you can keep nagging him, but you will quickly make him lose what attraction he has left for you. You've already made your demands clear, and guys dont like demands...you have to back off and let him come to you.
Author Britney23 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 MalachiX: the list was written ages ago so that might explain but i always look at it when i'm feel doubtful.. I've only lived closer to him for about 3 weeks, prior to that i stayed at his for 4/5 nights per week. i do spend a lot of time with him. but then when i dont i really miss him and it bothers me that it feels like he doesnt feel the same. but maybe thats just be over-analysing and making things up in my head (his words). 80/90% of the time we see each other heaps and everything is fine. Boogieboy, I think a lot of what you said is probably right except the trading up part, we're equals. i get guys attention all the time so i know that i'm attractive and wouldnt struggle to meet guys if we broke up. dont mean to sound up myself but its true. oh and also the part where he said he would come to me for dinner that's not true. he wanted me to come to him for comedy night, but i get what your saying. well i'll take your advice and see how i go.
boogieboy Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 i get guys attention all the time so i know that i'm attractive and wouldnt struggle to meet guys if we broke up. Thats all well and good, but the difference is you need this relationship more than he does. Thats why youre making all the effort. Think about it.
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