ussy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Hi once again guys, as i said last time my ex contacted me after 22 days of NC saying she missed me blah blah...... i absolutely feel like an idiot for not following the advice that was given to me to not seem desperate and chase her, but hey, im not really that clever am i? FOR F***S SAKE.... I rang her thinking that we could sort stuff out, oh boy was i wrong.... She once again turned back in to her bitchy mode and just straight fooled me again..... I in return went back to my desperate ways and pleaded... jeez I feel so upset about this. I guess when someone says to you "Do you think if we got back together we could make things work" you just presume that they want to get back together. I just wanted to make those aware that are in similar positions to me to just not f**k up like i did, trust me you will feel worse than when you did at the start.... Guranteed. No Contact..... Here i come once more!
DustySaltus Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Hey ussy, don't beat yourself up too much. That's why they put erasers on pencils, we all make mistakes. Just make a real effort to stick with it no matter how hard it seems. Cold turkey, just continue to post here. You have a lot of support. We've all been there.
Author ussy Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks you guys, the thing is that it feel so much harder to do NC now thhen it was before. I just feel like i cant do it. She's hurt me too bad, when she rang me she was acting so nice, saying she missed me, saying she could only her herself with me, even telling me that she wanted me to pick her up from work the next week. She een said so much more and i guess i just thought "hey she wants you back". I mean how can anyone be so cold hearted to lead on a broken heart? And the worst part is that she doesnt understand how whatever she was saying was giving me "false hope"...... WTF??? what else was it doing??
DustySaltus Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 There's a difference between someone saying that they "miss you" and "Hey, I made a mistake, I'm sorry and i'll do whatever it takes to get back in your good graces". And learning the difference is unfortunately part of grwoing up and going through breakups. I know it's tough but again you need to disappear. Her words don't mean anything, actions are all that matter. She doesn't want you to hate her. What you need to show her is INDIFFERENCE, no emotions whatsoever....by moving on.
LovelyDaze Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 There's a difference between someone saying that they "miss you" and "Hey, I made a mistake, I'm sorry and i'll do whatever it takes to get back in your good graces". And learning the difference is unfortunately part of grwoing up and going through breakups. I know it's tough but again you need to disappear. Her words don't mean anything, actions are all that matter. She doesn't want you to hate her. What you need to show her is INDIFFERENCE, no emotions whatsoever....by moving on. Loved this. ussy, I advice NC to us dumpees because I have broken NC in the past and it is never pretty. Don't worry about it. You NOW know that NC is the way to go. I hope some new LS members read your thread because there are a few who have these "meetings" and "closure" dates coming up that I know will end in ruin for them. At best, their ex will probably have sex with (*cough cough* USE) them and then just go back to leaving the dumpee more sad and confused soon afterward. Start from scratch and don't listen to her BS another minute more.
Author ussy Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Forget it... I give in... Im gonna be her friend, i dont want to let go of her completely, i guess ill just sit the phone to her always hearing how great her life is. I feel like a total loser
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Forget it... I give in... Im gonna be her friend, i dont want to let go of her completely, i guess ill just sit the phone to her always hearing how great her life is. I feel like a total loser DUDE NO. NOOO. Jesus, call your mom! Call me (but beware, I'll smack sense into you!)
Author ussy Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 What the hell do i do...... Ive talked to her for a bit on the phone today, she is gonna ring me back in a while.... I just love her too much to just not have any contact with her for the rest of my life
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I was RIGHT where you are, 6 weeks ago. Sh*t, I was there 3 months ago and let it drag on for 2 months until 6 weeks ago I finally STARTED to man up. Take control of yourself. Look at what you're doing? She's running CIRCLES around you. She's a Tornado gaining power and you're the little rickity barn that's going to get strewn all over the prairie.
Author ussy Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 But dude, if i knew why she left me id find it so much easier. Its so tough when you just stare in to space and wonder "Why did she even leave me" then you just sit there and think about all the bad things you did..... I cant get over them, she has truly f****d my life up
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I'll tell you why she left you: You're a pu**y. Before you get butthurt, it's the SAME reason I got dumped. By a less attractive, heavier, less intelligent, poorer person with a lower class education and family. Yup, I got dumped by someone BELOW my league, because I was being a biiiig faaattt PUS*Y. Got it? Quit being a biatch.
EricaH329 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 What the hell do i do...... Ive talked to her for a bit on the phone today, she is gonna ring me back in a while.... I just love her too much to just not have any contact with her for the rest of my life Here's a better question: Do you love yourself enough not to put yourself through torture? You are basically putting your hand in the fire, and keeping it there. Why? Because you are afraid of taking your hand out and never getting the opportunity to stick it back in? Nonsense. You are allowing your emotions to over power your self respect. This is not going to end well. You will probably be much more hurt than you originally were. You'll never move on by continuing to talk to her. That's not to say that once you've healed, you can't ever speak to her again. Let yourself move on properly, and maybe one day when you have healed, you can be friends with her. For now, it's extremely unhealthy to do so. And you know it.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Also, love ya man. Tough love up in here this Friday for you.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Here's a better question: Do you love yourself enough not to put yourself through torture? You are basically putting your hand in the fire, and keeping it there. Why? Because you are afraid of taking your hand out and never getting the opportunity to stick it back in? Nonsense. You are allowing your emotions to over power your self respect. This is not going to end well. You will probably be much more hurt than you originally were. You'll never move on by continuing to talk to her. That's not to say that once you've healed, you can't ever speak to her again. Let yourself move on properly, and maybe one day when you have healed, you can be friends with her. For now, it's extremely unhealthy to do so. And you know it. Badda Bing! Badda BOOOM!!!
Weird Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 don't do the friend deal dude. All that will happen is you'll analyze everything she says and feel down and wonder what is going to happen. She wants this with you because she doesn't know wtf she wants so it is easy to keep you in check but that doesn't mean after a little while she is going to say "hey, let's get back together" Just stay strong, keep her out of your life and try and heal and become a better person. I know that thinking this means she'll just forget you but it doesn't always work that way. In your case based on what you typed here it does sound like she has feelings but that doesn't mean she is going to just jump back in...she clearly needs some time to mature and to figure everything out and she can only do that without you to be there to contact any time she wants. If you stay in her life then she can just think she can talk to you any time and the situation is cool and she doesn't have to make up her mind and if/when she dates someone else (not so much a bad thing because if she is wishy-washy with you a bad experience could make her see the light) you'll feel used and very hurt. I know it is cliche but if it is meant to be it will be. I am not saying to sit there and wait for that but if you two go on and live your lives apart and down the line the bond is still there then chances are you'll be reunited eventually. If not then it clearly was not meant to be. I say all this from personal experience and don't want to see others deal with something similar. I won't even get into my drama because it's pretty bad compared to most that get posted here.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Rob, I'd like to hear your story. Good advice, also.
Author ussy Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks you 3, i guess ill wait for the right time to stop talking to her. I cant just all of a sudden not answer her calls can i?
Weird Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 haha well you know how you called ussy a *ussy? Well you'd have to find a new word for me. Some point form: -broke up 7, yes seven years ago. At the time she took me saying I needed time to think as me breaking up with her (wasn't...was just a week to think) she then had to go on her break to think and I pestered her during this thinking she was doing it to spite me. This of course led to me acting like a needy bitch and that pretty much sealed things and we ultimately had a blow up talk where I figured I'd never tlak to her ever again. -1.5 years later she contacts me and I was thinking she was going to say she wanted to see if things could work. Instead, it was for her to apologize for how she acted. I said it wasn't needed and she then said she couldn't give me a relationship at the time. tried to do the friends thing, didn't work. -year later she contacts me. Tried to do the friends thing but she would just act weird and distant. stopped talking after hanging out once. -year later....same thing though hung out twice. -year later...yep, same thing. -year later (near end of 08) she contacts me and I thought about simply ignoring her but figured hey, if anyone keeps contacting someone over all these years it must mean something. Nah, hang out then before we were going to again I find out she's in a relationship. Told her to leave me alone for good (she knew i didn't want to talk to her if she was dating someone else) and said that hopefully karma doesn't come back at her with her guy screwing her over. -she contacts me this past jan to apparently imply she did get screwed over. i replied (but didn't read her reply to that) and just went on until feb when i sent something regarding the super bowl and she replied but i didn't read those thinking she'd just drop it. Nope, she IMed me asking if she offended me and I said no and we chatted it up for a few weeks. This went on until she said something a couple weeks ago that rubbed me the wrong way (plus she started to go into her distant mode) and i have not contacted her since then and she hasn't contacted me. So yeah, I know all about being in this situation and it SUCKS. Every single time the person contacts you it just brings up hurt feelings and it is even worse when you try and go along with things. Throughout all these failed attempts she has said some stuff that would sting a little (ie acting like she forgets the good parts of when we were together even though she remembers it all) and she still seems to not view me as someone who has had 7 years to grow up and mature as she still assumes issues I had then are still there. The sad thing is that I have met/talked to enough women over the years to realize she STILL is the best match for me thus far (I'd rather this not be the case) so I get to go along with that knowledge. When we have not been in contact I have felt fine and it isn't like i sit there crying every day for her to "see the light" but it still doesn't change the fact I care about her and wish things could be the way I want. So yeah, I know all about this and would rather save people going through what i have. Still having said all that, I don't regret having hope with her and forgiving her for jerking me around because I do care about her...just wish it didn't have to be that way. Chances are that in due time she will probably contact me and I'll just give in and try and chat it up again because I am a bitch. I do truly believe she has some feelings for me but that doesn't really mean much.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks you 3, i guess ill wait for the right time to stop talking to her. I cant just all of a sudden not answer her calls can i? Yes, you can. Don't take the call. Send a letter, SHORT and sweet. "I'm sorry but I can't continue to have contact with you at this time. I need time to focus on myself. I have some ass to kick. Please be well! Love, me"
EricaH329 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks you 3, i guess ill wait for the right time to stop talking to her. I cant just all of a sudden not answer her calls can i? Why not? She broke up with you, didn't she? You can do as you please! You owe her nothing. You owe yourself the respect, and love that you need to move on from this. If you wait for the 'right time' to stop talking to her, you'll never stop. When is the right time? It should have been when the both of you broke up, it's long overdue.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 haha well you know how you called ussy a *ussy? Well you'd have to find a new word for me. Some point form: -broke up 7, yes seven years ago. At the time she took me saying I needed time to think as me breaking up with her (wasn't...was just a week to think) she then had to go on her break to think and I pestered her during this thinking she was doing it to spite me. This of course led to me acting like a needy bitch and that pretty much sealed things and we ultimately had a blow up talk where I figured I'd never tlak to her ever again. -1.5 years later she contacts me and I was thinking she was going to say she wanted to see if things could work. Instead, it was for her to apologize for how she acted. I said it wasn't needed and she then said she couldn't give me a relationship at the time. tried to do the friends thing, didn't work. -year later she contacts me. Tried to do the friends thing but she would just act weird and distant. stopped talking after hanging out once. -year later....same thing though hung out twice. -year later...yep, same thing. -year later (near end of 08) she contacts me and I thought about simply ignoring her but figured hey, if anyone keeps contacting someone over all these years it must mean something. Nah, hang out then before we were going to again I find out she's in a relationship. Told her to leave me alone for good (she knew i didn't want to talk to her if she was dating someone else) and said that hopefully karma doesn't come back at her with her guy screwing her over. -she contacts me this past jan to apparently imply she did get screwed over. i replied (but didn't read her reply to that) and just went on until feb when i sent something regarding the super bowl and she replied but i didn't read those thinking she'd just drop it. Nope, she IMed me asking if she offended me and I said no and we chatted it up for a few weeks. This went on until she said something a couple weeks ago that rubbed me the wrong way (plus she started to go into her distant mode) and i have not contacted her since then and she hasn't contacted me. So yeah, I know all about being in this situation and it SUCKS. Every single time the person contacts you it just brings up hurt feelings and it is even worse when you try and go along with things. Throughout all these failed attempts she has said some stuff that would sting a little (ie acting like she forgets the good parts of when we were together even though she remembers it all) and she still seems to not view me as someone who has had 7 years to grow up and mature as she still assumes issues I had then are still there. The sad thing is that I have met/talked to enough women over the years to realize she STILL is the best match for me thus far (I'd rather this not be the case) so I get to go along with that knowledge. When we have not been in contact I have felt fine and it isn't like i sit there crying every day for her to "see the light" but it still doesn't change the fact I care about her and wish things could be the way I want. So yeah, I know all about this and would rather save people going through what i have. Still having said all that, I don't regret having hope with her and forgiving her for jerking me around because I do care about her...just wish it didn't have to be that way. Chances are that in due time she will probably contact me and I'll just give in and try and chat it up again because I am a bitch. I do truly believe she has some feelings for me but that doesn't really mean much. I honestly and truly, want to blow you up with dynamite. If you were in my living room right now, I'd open palm, backhand slap you. Then we could go get a beer and start on your journey back to manhood. For the love of all things holy, drop this disaster of a woman. You said it best when pointing out that she doesn't see you as any different than you were 7 years ago. You know why? Because you represent something specific to her. Care to guess what it is?
cdt76 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Simply put, people who leave us find someone else to focus on rather than the pain of seperating from us. So that new found thing goes on for a bit, maybe it's love maybe it's just a distraction, but when it ends, they come back to what they know and what they know is you. You allow her to contact you at times when SHE needs you, when SHE is lonely, when SHE needs your support but when YOU need it, she is gone and it's over. More simply, you are her crutch. Don't be her crutch. You need one for you right now. It's going to take a long time for you to heal and you can't heal by contacting her. I've been where you are now. I know the torture and pain and I know it hurts like nothing else. But she knows where you live. If I were you, I'd simply write and email. "Dear Blah Blah: Do not contact me. You decided we as a couple are over. I need to heal. I did not want us to end. It was your choice. The only way to fix it is to leave me alone completely or show up at my house in person with a sincere attempt at reconcilation. Barring that, I will not be contacting you again. Sincerely Me." Leave it at that and delete her from your phone, email, facebook, myspace, IM, and every way imaginable. If you know her number, delete the texts with out reading them and take solice in the fact that now you have the power over yourself. You can do it. You must.
supersub Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It is kind of fascinating to me that we let certain people crawl inside our heads to do damage, but the in all honesty we give them that permission through fear of total loss of any kind of relationship with that person. I also believe that when one or the other party does or says something to hurt you through friends etc. that there is still some kind of love there. i.e Hate is not the opposite of love. That's why NC is best. The power of silence is incredible. Show no emotion, only show indifference. The funny part is that at some point we DO get over it, and look back and think "What on earth was I so bothered about?"
Weird Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 RM- haha yeah I know....this is why I don't want others to do what I did because all you do is end up feeling like crap at times along the way and nothing comes from it so it is better to just not be in contact and if something is meant to happen then again, both parties will know when the time is right. If nothing is meant to happen then you didn't waste your time or feelings. I will say that when she still sees me the same as before it was more to do with certain things that didn't happen back then mainly because of circumstances surrounding us as we were basically together at the wrong time since she was still in school 2 hours away and I was working. Plus, we were both far less mature then and that factored in. It is more like she has assumptions about me thinking she knows me so well now rather than see what may have changed over the 7 years (even when she has the direct evidence in front of her and has been a part of it) and I figure she either does this because she doesn't care to see the present me, does this as some defense mechanism (easy to assume someone has flaws from the past or flaws you have imagined they had) or she simply thinks it is impresses me that she can say she knows me so well. I am sure any of us if they talked to someone they hung out with 7 years ago would not assume they are the exact same and haven't matured/changed but bam, that is what I have dealt with and it is annoying and I don't need it since I've grown tired of it as it is a selfish way to interact with someone. I used to sort of pass it off when she'd do it but now I am again, simply tired of it because I don't need someone contacting me each year and telling me they know what I am like or what I like when they don't. The reality is that I know we could be happy together and things would work now (even if we didn't break up before it would have happened eventually because of communication/maturity issues between us as well as if we did try things out 1.5 years after or even 3 years after) since we are older and wiser and we do "click" but she'd have to actually be willing to open her eyes to see that it is 7 years later and not assume I don't like this or won't do that and not think because it ended before when circumstances were quite different that it'd be the same now. Such is life though and it isn't like one can make things happen just because they want them to. I see it as more her loss than mine. I know many have this view that exes can't reunite but the truth is those who do reunite after a good bit of time usually work out because they have moved on from being bitter and prideful, moved on from thinking things will be the same and just see the person for what they are at the present rather than the past and start off like it is a new relationship. They also have experienced meeting other people and can then gauge their feelings with that. Again in my situation, I KNOW this ex of mine is still the most compatible/complete female to me that I have thus met based on those I have since got to know. Does this mean she will always for sure be the most compatible to me? No...but after 7 years it's the case and it is simply foolish for me to try and deny this because it doesn't fit in with my current situation/life. The good thing is I am not someone who has to be in a relationship to enjoy my free time or to feel good so it isn't like I am hurting myself by not going out there and trying to find some woman to be with just for the sake of being with and whom I will just end up eventually breaking up with and dealing with that drama. I'd rather spend the rest of my life single than settle for someone who doesn't "click" with me as well as that girl from before did. Obviously though if I met someone who I clicked with better then I'd want to and would pursue that but it simply hasn't happened yet and for all I know it never will since it is quite possible my ex is simply "the one" for me even if I may not be for her though I very well could be. Who knows... basically, I don't want it to sound like I am simply hung up on this ex in the sense that I am just sitting there and passing along on all these great opportunities because of some feeling of hope with her. The only reason I have passed on some potential relationships over these last chunk of years is because I knew that they would eventually end (because each woman had some flaw I could not see myself dealing with for long term) so I didn't want to waste my time or the other person's time. There was one woman years ago where I think we'd have worked out if circumstances were different (actually met her on this site back in the day...funny) but she lives in the U.S. and it just wouldn't have worked because of the distance/current place in our lives and we both realized that. I still talk to her on occasion and I guess she got married a couple years ago so that is good and I am happy for her.
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