Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 I agree with many responses. My wife does not have to work, she chooses to. I make more than enough money to support our family. All of our money goes into our family. We do not have a "this is mine and this is yours". It is all ours. To the OP, your wife almost sounds like she can do no right with you. She is your WIFE. You either honor her or leave her. I hope that my daughter never falls for a guy like you. I would make sure that you just went away. Jeff, you sound like a good guy and I'm sure you raised your daughter well. So I highly doubt your daughter would unilaterally make a decision to require her boyfriend/husband to drive her to appointments on days that were inconvenient for him to do that when she could have checked with him first. And I doubt she would fail to acknowledge her error in judgement or fail to apologize if she made such an honest mistake.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Most developed cities have public transportation. I do not nor have ever lived in Manhattan, but even in Central Ohio, there is a public bus service. While you are right that one person in a relationship shouldn't make unilateral decisions for both, you need to apply this to yourself as well. You don't get to tell your wife she stands alone in anything and really consider yourself a committed partner. If I were anything less than a good husband, I would tell her I simply won't drive her to her job on weekends. But I do care. Yet I can't let her think making a unilateral decision about her work availability without checking with me was right. You are suppose to help each other achieve goals. Not whine about each others wants, refuse a resolution, and then walk away from the other when they try to resolve it some other way. I am helping her achieve goals. I've been encouraging her to get a job for a LONG time. Yet when she gets one, she utilizes it in such a way so that she ends up disrespecting me.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Then exactly what's your problem? Marriages are give and take. She doesn't need your permission to do anything and if you're unwilling to drive her, tell her she's responsible for her own transportation. If she calls upon her friends to schlep her around on weekends, then I'll look like the selfish bad guy. I'm expected to give up my golf day with friends or helping my brother with his home improvement project or my all day road trip on the only day I can do it when I'd be happy to help her out during the work week. Marriage isn't rocket science. Straight up, you're overly-sensitive about yourself and totally non-empathetic about her. She just appears to be oblivious, with no sensitivity...period... but we don't really know her beyond what you've posted on here. I strongly suspect that your posts are heavily biased, to make her always appear to be the bad guy. She's been disrespectful towards me by not first checking with me before telling her employer about her work availability - especially since I'll be driving her to/from work. And then she doesn't even apologize to me or acknowledge she made an error in judgement. If that's not being disrespectful, then I guess nothing is disrespectful.
melodymatters Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 By the terms you used " Poor judgement", "disrespecting me", "clearly in the wrong", you sound like quite an anal, controlling type. Like when I had a BF tell me he expected me to be " Demure". How often are men told to be demure ???? It's another word for submissive. I don't know your relationship, but something here is setting my teeth on edge......
sally4sara Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 By the terms you used " Poor judgement", "disrespecting me", "clearly in the wrong", you sound like quite an anal, controlling type. Like when I had a BF tell me he expected me to be " Demure". How often are men told to be demure ???? It's another word for submissive. I don't know your relationship, but something here is setting my teeth on edge...... Could it be the vibe that she is the hired help who should be glad he keeps her around at all? Or the "Rainman" schedule he gets bunched up about having altered in anyway?
DaisyLeigh Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I think you missed the point. Imagine if on Tuesdays & Thursdays you went to the beauty salon or spa all day. Your husband doesn't drive and has a choice of days to take a four hour assignment that he has to do two days per week. He chooses Tuesdays & Thursdays without checking first with you to see what days work best for you. I assure you that I did not miss any point. I would change the days, if we needed the money. That is what an adult does. In a marriage, it is not always about the convenience, whims and wants of one person. It is give and take. Seems to me that all you want is "take" and her to "give".
whichwaytogo Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 By the terms you used " Poor judgement", "disrespecting me", "clearly in the wrong", you sound like quite an anal, controlling type. Like when I had a BF tell me he expected me to be " Demure". How often are men told to be demure ???? It's another word for submissive. I don't know your relationship, but something here is setting my teeth on edge...... agree 110%. someone has control issues...
xxoo Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 If she calls upon her friends to schlep her around on weekends, then I'll look like the selfish bad guy. I'm expected to give up my golf day with friends or helping my brother with his home improvement project or my all day road trip on the only day I can do it when I'd be happy to help her out during the work week. She's been disrespectful towards me by not first checking with me before telling her employer about her work availability - especially since I'll be driving her to/from work. And then she doesn't even apologize to me or acknowledge she made an error in judgement. If that's not being disrespectful, then I guess nothing is disrespectful. Who cares how you'll look to other people? The disrespectful/bad judgment accusations are subjective and inflammatory. Instead of pointing out all the ways she handled the situation wrong, look at your mutual goals and try to work something out together. Maybe she can carpool, or get a ride home sometimes. Maybe shifts can be reconciled with the activities you most want to do. Also, have you considered that she wants to work on weekends because you are busy golfing, helping your brother, and taking all day road trips? She is still your partner on the weekends. It's not sounding like she is very high on your list of priorities if you can't even find time to take her to the mall. Finally, do you plan on having kids together? Because their needs will definitely put a crimp in your weekend social schedules, and they won't apologize for it, either. Being part of a family means putting others first sometimes.
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Oh good grief.... the XX-year-old guy is having problems with his 12-year old child bride again.... Complaining about little wifey-pooh, but then countermanding all the reasoning.... There doesn't seem to be any situation at all in this marriage where either of you interact on equal terms. It's really quite pitiful.... You're her dad, and she's a petulant spoilt brat. Live with it, and get over it.
GorillaTheater Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Oh good grief.... the XX-year-old guy is having problems with his 12-year old child bride again.... Complaining about little wifey-pooh, but then countermanding all the reasoning.... There doesn't seem to be any situation at all in this marriage where either of you interact on equal terms. It's really quite pitiful.... You're her dad, and she's a petulant spoilt brat. Live with it, and get over it. The entire situation, including previous threads, summed up well. I tried for something similar, but the way I worded it would have almost certainly earned me an infraction.
sally4sara Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Finally, do you plan on having kids together? Because their needs will definitely put a crimp in your weekend social schedules, and they won't apologize for it, either. Being part of a family means putting others first sometimes. Indeed; truest words spoken in this thread. Rigidity is not productive. Neither is being hyper-sensitive to perceived disrespect or the expectation of grandiose guilt when life doesn't go your way 365 year in year out.
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 My husband would do this for me in a second if I needed him too. Why does everything have to be such an issue for you two? She likes money in more amounts that you wish to give her an allowance for because it is important to her to send money home to her family. If her family back home needs money so badly that she feels compelled to get a job to do it, why is this such a speed bump to you? Her having this job solves one of your other posted problems you deal with in this relationship. You didn't want to send the money, it still seems important enough for her to put the work in herself..... You should just be glad that this is a step in a more mature approach for her. Spend that time during the week that it is easier (how its easier while you work than it is during R&R time I cannot see but) for you to accommodate teaching her how to drive or driving her to a instructional driving class. You are suppose to be a unit. Her earning money solves one of your unit's issues - you driving her to work is not just a "her" thing. And she isn't a hassle; she is your wife. I'll second this. And add if this is really an issue for you then maybe there are deeper problems in your marriage you should be addressing?
FryFish Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I really dont get the impression that you love your wife. In my last relationship(it ended terribly) I had to "shlep" her around at 11pm often on nights that I had to work at 4am. I also often had to break my R&R with my friends to go "shlepping"... Gerhard, you are being a clown.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The issue is that her shifts are never more than 4 hours and sometimes as short as two hours. That's not alot of hours to work each day, not like 8am to 5pm or something so it totally ruins your time together on weekends. Compromise - Do this schedule for afew months, see how it works out. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think, or maybe it won't work out at all and she'll switch it to weekdays. Just seems you're letting this 'she didn't ask my permission first' get to you TOO much. What's done is done and yes, she should have discussed this with you before making a final decision, but you can't beat her up on this anymore. Another thing to consider... Your wife learning how to drive? Is she interested in that?
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 If she calls upon her friends to schlep her around on weekends, Another compromise. Sometimes you drive her, and sometimes she can get rides from her friends. Also, don't make this about you. It shouldn't matter who thinks what, right?
Clep Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Yes there was and we agreed she wouldn't work until she had her drivers license. And she knew I wasn't willing to compromise what I do on weekends to schlep her around. She knows that from many months of trying to drag me to the mall on weekends to which I more than willingly go with her on weeknights. There was discussion before she got the job, but not to as great a degree as there is now. I have just read this whole thread and come back to the statement in bold. I see from this thread an unwillingness to compromise, a controlling attitude, an attitude of superiority and a man that is not showing support to his wife. I also am unsure why you started this thread. There are numerous people not agreeing with your perspective and you are simply rejecting all of the information provided. Seems to me like you already had your mind made up and came on here seeking some people to back your selfish mindset. If I got a job that had my guy driving me around he would gladly oblige as we are a united team working for a common goal TOGETHER. I wouldn't have to possibly lose the job because I had to check with my SO (daddy) first before I could accept. I would know in that interview that my SO will support whatever hours and times are available for me, or whatever I chose. That is a great feeling that I feel badly your wife is not capable of experiencing with her current partner.
NoIDidn't Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 If she calls upon her friends to schlep her around on weekends, then I'll look like the selfish bad guy. I'm expected to give up my golf day with friends or helping my brother with his home improvement project or my all day road trip on the only day I can do it when I'd be happy to help her out during the work week. She's been disrespectful towards me by not first checking with me before telling her employer about her work availability - especially since I'll be driving her to/from work. And then she doesn't even apologize to me or acknowledge she made an error in judgement. If that's not being disrespectful, then I guess nothing is disrespectful. Eventually, you'll look to your friends like the oaf that won't do anything nice for his W and is inconsiderate. Eventually, they'll start to see you as the disrespectful one, and her as your victim. I think you should suck it up. Nothing should be more important to you than helping out your W. Even your friends will grow up and eventually not always be available to play golf with you at your desired time. Are you going to say that they are disrespecting your time then too?
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I went back and read afew of your older threads... You two have these types of problems now, and you haven't been married that long, like less than 2 years? She's younger, you're older ... Already there's a pattern I can see developing, the parent/child thing, which from what I've read on here, causes ALOT of issues and resentments down the line. Somehow you both need to change the dynamic, get to marriage counselling and learn how to respect one another and compromise fairly, without it being an ego thing or a who's right, who's wrong thing. When was the last time you and your wife actually had fun together? Does she make you laugh? You make her laugh? Or is it always serious and stern in your household? Just asking so I can understand your daily dynamic with her..
2sunny Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 pay a high school kid a nominal fee to get her there and back.
Holding-On Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Good lord, do all men act like the world is going to end if everything isn't convenient for them at all times? I used to drive my husband to work and pick him up in the afternoons, with a newborn baby, when we had ONE car, many years ago, and I needed the car for the doctor appointments, etc. It was not convenient, but big whopping deal! She should be getting her license. I get that. But good grief, if you need the money, then grow up, act like a husband and take her to work and pick her up. Yes. We had one car too. Also, at one point, my husband worked 3 12 hour shifts F-Su and I worked 4 10 hour shifts M-Th. My husband is looking very mature at the moment.
EnglishMuffin Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 OP, you don't have to pick up your wife immediately after her work. She can hang out at a cafe for an hour or so while you take care of your business and pick her up. She can also take a local bus to a more populated area so that she can have something to do while waiting for you. Yes, it was an inconsiderate part of her, not consulting with you beforehand, but for this being her FIRST job ever, I bet she was very nervous and wanting to please the boss. Especially with this economy. I have been there, done that. Having said that, I've been driving my sisters to school every morning and picking them up after school while having my full time/part time internships for the past TWO YEARS. She is going to get her license soon. You don't even have to do that for longer than a few months at max. Sometimes I don't like it. It is stressful. It sometimes even affects my spending time with my boyfriend (he's been very understanding and mature). But I would rather make sure that my sisters are home safe, even though sometimes it conflicts with my schedule and they have to wait for me to pick them up. She is your wife. And a wife means she's your family. And as someone who is 26 years old, I feel very weird telling this to someone who must be much older and should have more maturity and life experience than I. It sucks
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Gerhard, I'm waiting for the thread where your wife wore pants one day, hence lost your interest. How very selfish of her to lose your interest. Just drive your wife until she gets her license.
boomboom63 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Oh good grief.... the XX-year-old guy is having problems with his 12-year old child bride again.... Complaining about little wifey-pooh, but then countermanding all the reasoning.... There doesn't seem to be any situation at all in this marriage where either of you interact on equal terms. It's really quite pitiful.... You're her dad, and she's a petulant spoilt brat. Live with it, and get over it. This is right on the money -This seems to me like a control issue - on one hand you talk about how much you have been put out and lose your "me" time with your golfing buddies - and on the other you talk about disrespect by her towards you because she didn't check with you - this is 2010 FFS! when she gets her drivers licence and maybe increases her hours because of the freedom she feels please don't complain that she is disrespecting you by not being there for you. I would suggest talking - the old fashioned way - and more importantly LISTENING to how she feels - if you do that things often fall into place - good luck
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