Gerhard Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 My wife just got a part time job and she expects us to chop up our R&R time on weekends by asking me to shuttle her around to and from her job. She doesn't yet have her license, but given my job flexibility it's more convenient for me to help her out on weekdays than to give up large chunks of free time on weekends . When she took the job, she told the employer she was available only on weekends without checking with me - even though I'll have to drive her to and from work. Now I've asked her to inform her employer she was mistaken about her availability, but she's refusing. I see that I have several options: 1) Give in and schlep her around on weekends 2) Tell her I won't drive her anywhere on weekends But what bothers me even more is she didn't even apologize or acknowledge her error in judgement after she assumed without checking with me when I'd be most available to drive her around.
JaneInVegas Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 How badly do you guys need the extra income? I would cheerfully drive my SO around if money was tight. It may be annoying that you have to give up extra time together, but do you think maybe she did this on purpose to have more time apart? Did she outright admit she specifically asked for weekends? ... or are you assuming that? IF she specifically requested weekends, I would find that suspicious. But never mind that - she's bringing in extra money, drive her wherever she needs to go.
CarrieT Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Do you live somewhere without public transportation?
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 "Dear wife, I won't drive you unless you're taking driver training courses. Love, husband"
sally4sara Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 My husband would do this for me in a second if I needed him too. Why does everything have to be such an issue for you two? She likes money in more amounts that you wish to give her an allowance for because it is important to her to send money home to her family. If her family back home needs money so badly that she feels compelled to get a job to do it, why is this such a speed bump to you? Her having this job solves one of your other posted problems you deal with in this relationship. You didn't want to send the money, it still seems important enough for her to put the work in herself..... You should just be glad that this is a step in a more mature approach for her. Spend that time during the week that it is easier (how its easier while you work than it is during R&R time I cannot see but) for you to accommodate teaching her how to drive or driving her to a instructional driving class. You are suppose to be a unit. Her earning money solves one of your unit's issues - you driving her to work is not just a "her" thing. And she isn't a hassle; she is your wife.
TinyLee222 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Is there any reason she doesn't have a drivers license? Or do you like it that way? It sounds like she wants to carve out some of her own time away from you. Lee
PandorasBox Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I would say which is more important, the fact that she has a job and is helping to provide a little extra income, or the fact you have to take a little time out of your day to drive her until she gets her license?
DaisyLeigh Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Good lord, do all men act like the world is going to end if everything isn't convenient for them at all times? I used to drive my husband to work and pick him up in the afternoons, with a newborn baby, when we had ONE car, many years ago, and I needed the car for the doctor appointments, etc. It was not convenient, but big whopping deal! She should be getting her license. I get that. But good grief, if you need the money, then grow up, act like a husband and take her to work and pick her up.
xxoo Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Was there a conversation before she started job hunting about schedules and transportation? If not, why not? Did you know she was looking for a job? I'd be annoyed if my partner only brought up these concerns AFTER I got the job. And, no, I wouldn't go back and give new availability info to my new employer.
Jeff1962 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I agree with many responses. My wife does not have to work, she chooses to. I make more than enough money to support our family. All of our money goes into our family. We do not have a "this is mine and this is yours". It is all ours. To the OP, your wife almost sounds like she can do no right with you. She is your WIFE. You either honor her or leave her. I hope that my daughter never falls for a guy like you. I would make sure that you just went away.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 How badly do you guys need the extra income? I would cheerfully drive my SO around if money was tight. It may be annoying that you have to give up extra time together, but do you think maybe she did this on purpose to have more time apart? Did she outright admit she specifically asked for weekends? ... or are you assuming that? IF she specifically requested weekends, I would find that suspicious. But never mind that - she's bringing in extra money, drive her wherever she needs to go. She did specifically request weekends, but she made it clear she did so because she mistakenly thought that was a more convenient time for me to schlep her around. And now she's too shy to tell her employer she was mistaken about her availability. She's in no position to make unilateral decisions about how we spend our weekends.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Do you live somewhere without public transportation? Public transportation isn't sufficient in the area we live and given the nature of the location of her job assignments. We don't live in a place like Manhattan!
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 And how far must you schlep? It's not so much an issue of how far I have to drive her. The issue is that her shifts are never more than 4 hours and sometimes as short as two hours.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 "Dear wife, I won't drive you unless you're taking driver training courses. Love, husband" That's a little far fetched to assume that's the dynamic. She's taking driver training and doing very well. So I won't have to schlep her around for too long.
sally4sara Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Public transportation isn't sufficient in the area we live and given the nature of the location of her job assignments. We don't live in a place like Manhattan! Most developed cities have public transportation. I do not nor have ever lived in Manhattan, but even in Central Ohio, there is a public bus service. While you are right that one person in a relationship shouldn't make unilateral decisions for both, you need to apply this to yourself as well. You don't get to tell your wife she stands alone in anything and really consider yourself a committed partner. You are suppose to help each other achieve goals. Not whine about each others wants, refuse a resolution, and then walk away from the other when they try to resolve it some other way. I'd really like to not believe this is a mail order bride situation, but your attitude towards her and the issues you both seem to continually deal with keep flavoring your situation in this manner.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 My husband would do this for me in a second if I needed him too. What if your husband played golf with his buddies every Saturday from 10 to 4 and watched football games every Sunday at home. You got a part time job and without asking him what days he would most prefer to drive you to and from your job (let's say it's football season), you decided to tell your employer you'd only be available on Saturdays & Sundays because those are the days he doesn't work. But let's say he has enough flexibility in his job that he would rather retain the integrity of his weekend activities and cut into his workweek hours to help you out? Why does everything have to be such an issue for you two? She likes money in more amounts that you wish to give her an allowance for because it is important to her to send money home to her family. If her family back home needs money so badly that she feels compelled to get a job to do it, why is this such a speed bump to you? Her working isn't a problem for me at all. It's her selecting hours to work without checking with me first that's the problem - especially since I have to drive her. Her having this job solves one of your other posted problems you deal with in this relationship. You didn't want to send the money, it still seems important enough for her to put the work in herself..... You should just be glad that this is a step in a more mature approach for her. Spend that time during the week that it is easier (how its easier while you work than it is during R&R time I cannot see but) for you to accommodate teaching her how to drive or driving her to a instructional driving class. I'm all for her working and she's already getting good driving instruction & practice, which I'm providing for her. Given the nature of my job and what I/we like to do on weekends, it is logistically more sensible for her to work short shifts a couple days during the workweek than the two days on the weekend. You are suppose to be a unit. Her earning money solves one of your unit's issues - you driving her to work is not just a "her" thing. And she isn't a hassle; she is your wife. Yes, we should be a unit. That's why she should have come to me first before telling her employer when she'd be available. We as a unit should decide how to spend our free time - not her making unilateral decisions.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 I would say which is more important, the fact that she has a job and is helping to provide a little extra income, or the fact you have to take a little time out of your day to drive her until she gets her license? I have no problem carving out a little time from my day to drive her until she gets her license. The issue is some days are greatly more convenient than other days for being "carved" up. And she selected the inconvenient days to work and is unwilling to tell her employer she needs to change her availability.
xxoo Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 she should have come to me first before telling her employer when she'd be available. If there were times you are very opposed to her working, you should have told her that before she started looking for a job. Did you know she was looking for a job? Was there any conversation about how that would work in your family? If not, why not?
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Good lord, do all men act like the world is going to end if everything isn't convenient for them at all times? I used to drive my husband to work and pick him up in the afternoons, with a newborn baby, when we had ONE car, many years ago, and I needed the car for the doctor appointments, etc. It was not convenient, but big whopping deal! She should be getting her license. I get that. But good grief, if you need the money, then grow up, act like a husband and take her to work and pick her up. I think you missed the point. Imagine if on Tuesdays & Thursdays you went to the beauty salon or spa all day. Your husband doesn't drive and has a choice of days to take a four hour assignment that he has to do two days per week. He chooses Tuesdays & Thursdays without checking first with you to see what days work best for you.
sally4sara Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 What if your husband played golf with his buddies every Saturday from 10 to 4 and watched football games every Sunday at home. You got a part time job and without asking him what days he would most prefer to drive you to and from your job (let's say it's football season), you decided to tell your employer you'd only be available on Saturdays & Sundays because those are the days he doesn't work. But let's say he has enough flexibility in his job that he would rather retain the integrity of his weekend activities and cut into his workweek hours to help you out? I will repeat. My husband would do this for me in a second if I needed him to help me. No golf game or game of any kind, would be considered in his decision at all. Record yer damn game and pause. Set your t-time for a time other than when she needs this short term schlepping or forgo golf for the time it takes for her to get her license. If I needed to make extra cash and found a solution that required him to transport me to and from, we would just adjust to the opportunity I found rather than him expecting me to tell the person interviewing me "I need to check with my husband first; I'll call you." It isn't 1930 and acting like your spouse is your handler or parent doesn't exactly inspire much faith in a potential employer.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 You know, I've been supportive of you throughout your travails with the W, but now you're going a little overboard. You complain about her spending money, and then you complain about when she works when she gets a job. Does your W do ANYTHING right in your mind? In this case, she was clearly in the wrong by not checking first with me about convenience/availability in driving her to/from work. If I were dependent upon someone else to drive me to/from work and the job had variable hours, I would first check with the person providing transportation what was going to work best for them before telling my employer when I was available.
Author Gerhard Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Was there a conversation before she started job hunting about schedules and transportation? If not, why not? Did you know she was looking for a job? Yes there was and we agreed she wouldn't work until she had her drivers license. And she knew I wasn't willing to compromise what I do on weekends to schlep her around. She knows that from many months of trying to drag me to the mall on weekends to which I more than willingly go with her on weeknights. I'd be annoyed if my partner only brought up these concerns AFTER I got the job. And, no, I wouldn't go back and give new availability info to my new employer. There was discussion before she got the job, but not to as great a degree as there is now.
threebyfate Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 That's a little far fetched to assume that's the dynamic. She's taking driver training and doing very well. So I won't have to schlep her around for too long.Then exactly what's your problem? Marriages are give and take. She doesn't need your permission to do anything and if you're unwilling to drive her, tell her she's responsible for her own transportation. Marriage isn't rocket science. Straight up, you're overly-sensitive about yourself and totally non-empathetic about her. She just appears to be oblivious, with no sensitivity...period... but we don't really know her beyond what you've posted on here. I strongly suspect that your posts are heavily biased, to make her always appear to be the bad guy.
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