Confused16 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Okay, let me first say that I have NEVER been involved in anything like this before. I've been married for over 10 years and this is the first time anything like this has come up before. I'll spare you all the boring details (some not so boring), and come right down to it. Events have happened over the last 10-12 years or so that make me feel like i'm not "In Love" with my wife. We have a wonderful life and a child together, but when I look at her...I just don't get that "In Love" feeling. I care deeply for her, but I just don't get that feeling. I have started a relationship with another woman a while back. When I look into her eyes...I get that feeling. You know...when you look into someone elses eyes and you just feel that spark. I feel like I deserve that spark. I just don't know if I can get it back with my current wife. Anyone else out there experience this or have any comments?
eddie_d_2000 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Okay, let me first say that I have NEVER been involved in anything like this before. I've been married for over 10 years and this is the first time anything like this has come up before. I'll spare you all the boring details (some not so boring), and come right down to it. Events have happened over the last 10-12 years or so that make me feel like i'm not "In Love" with my wife. We have a wonderful life and a child together, but when I look at her...I just don't get that "In Love" feeling. I care deeply for her, but I just don't get that feeling. I have started a relationship with another woman a while back. When I look into her eyes...I get that feeling. You know...when you look into someone elses eyes and you just feel that spark. I feel like I deserve that spark. I just don't know if I can get it back with my current wife. Anyone else out there experience this or have any comments? You can get it back I believe, I had kinda lost it for my wife as well and unfortunately it took her having an affair to realize how much I truly did love her. I recommend reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley, it would help you understand things a lot better.
greengoddess Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 hmm let's see did you start getting that feeling bout your wife when you got involved with another woman? Of course you can't feel that way about your wife while you are ****ing someone else. I bet you feel so much guilt you can't even look your wife in the eye anymore. Yep you deserve that spark. Go for it but first tell your wife you have fallen for another woman. It's the only way to do it. Oh and then tell your happy little child that daddy is moving out. Look that child in the eyes and tell them not to worry daddy still loves them that he just doesn't love mommy anymore. It will hurt but it will hurt a heck of a lot less than your wife finding out on her own. Go for it. Be honest. Enjoy that in love feeling with the new woman. I hope it's worth losing your "happy" life over though. 1
Author Confused16 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 I think this has been coming on for a long time...I mean why did I look to the other person in the first place...something must have been missing.... My wife's got several issues and I think that I've been altering my behavior to prevent any outbursts for years.. the affair has been going on for 8 months now, but very little physical contact as I'm horribly afraid of getting caught. Other woman is obviously into me as well or I wouldn't be having this conversation now. I look at my wife and feel nothing. I look at the other woman and I get that connection that I've been looking for. I think over the last 12 years that I've made myself believe that in marriage you lose that "In Love" feeling and that was normal. Problem is that I now see couples that have been married for as long or longer than I have and they still have that connection.
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I think this has been coming on for a long time...I mean why did I look to the other person in the first place...something must have been missing.... My wife's got several issues and I think that I've been altering my behavior to prevent any outbursts for years.. the affair has been going on for 8 months now, but very little physical contact as I'm horribly afraid of getting caught. Other woman is obviously into me as well or I wouldn't be having this conversation now. I look at my wife and feel nothing. I look at the other woman and I get that connection that I've been looking for. I think over the last 12 years that I've made myself believe that in marriage you lose that "In Love" feeling and that was normal. Problem is that I now see couples that have been married for as long or longer than I have and they still have that connection. You work at it everyday! You treat each other like you were dating...cards, sexy texts, emails, phone calls. You smile at each other every chance you get. You go on date night and start to have fun together, learn something new together. Take a weekend away. Start MC, and tell your wife the truth of how you feel. If it doesn't work out, she deserves to have that "spark" with a new man. Educate yourself. Learn the difference between infatuation and mature love. How would you feel if some guy was hanging on to her gaze and every word. That is exciting for everyone!
ladydesigner Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Very wise posts so far. If I were you I would read the many other posts both on OW/OM and this forum and maybe you will begin to see this new relationship in a new light. Are you willing to leave your M for this OW for a "spark"? Right now you are stringing two people along. From a lot of others POV's it appears to be selfish. Trust me I am no saint to this game I am both a BS (Blind Spouse) and WS (Wayward Spouse). When my A ended and my "affair fog" lifted I knew damn well I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with my XAP (ex affair partner).
confusedinkansas Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 The way I see it is that you have a few choices here. 1) would be to stick it out with the other woman & hope for the 'best' (AKA: Don't get caught) Best of both worlds so to speak. 2) leave your wife for the other woman 3) Listen to what the other posters have said here. Eddie...Right On! You CAN get it back. Spark....Yep Work at it EVERY SINGLE DAY! These feelings may very well have been there before you started things up with this other woman. But, the fact that you're focusing so much energy on her - It is emphasizing the entire situation at home. I totally get what you're going thru right now. Been there myself. Ask yourself these questions.....What is the IN LOVE feeling? Truly? Why did you fall in love with your wife in the first place? Love in a marriage takes on many different forms over the years. Trust me - After 30 years of marriage I've been about a 100 different kinds of "Love or In Love" with my husband.
ADF Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 There is this big lie in the culture that says we are supposed to feel "in love" with our spouses all the time. Nonsense. If you are with someone long enough, you're going to experience the gamut of human emotions with them. You're going to feel, at turns, joyful and anguished, affectionate and annoyed, in love and indifferent. That's human life. There is nothing odd about what you're experiencing.
ladydesigner Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 There is this big lie in the culture that says we are supposed to feel "in love" with our spouses all the time. Nonsense. If you are with someone long enough, you're going to experience the gamut of human emotions with them. You're going to feel, at turns, joyful and anguished, affectionate and annoyed, in love and indifferent. That's human life. There is nothing odd about what you're experiencing. Yeah in fact every person involved in A who is married has either thought or said these words at one time "I Love (blank) but I am not 'In Love' with (blank ) anymore." It's a dead giveaway.
scatterd Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) If thats how you feel tell her the truth let her find someone she gets that spark with, do good by your wife after all she stuck by you this long and deserves a faithfull man that can look into her eyes and get a spark.Thats what cheating causes..Im sure she knows and is not as happy as she was either. Edited March 25, 2010 by scatterd
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Yeah in fact every person involved in A who is married has either thought or said these words at one time "I Love (blank) but I am not 'In Love' with (blank ) anymore." It's a dead giveaway. The minute a counselor hear's these words from a client, they know two things: You have no idea what mature love should resemble and feel like... You believe the adolescent fantasy of feeling "infatuated" should last a lifetime without work and effort. 1
eddie_d_2000 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) I think this has been coming on for a long time...I mean why did I look to the other person in the first place...something must have been missing.... My wife's got several issues and I think that I've been altering my behavior to prevent any outbursts for years.. the affair has been going on for 8 months now, but very little physical contact as I'm horribly afraid of getting caught. Other woman is obviously into me as well or I wouldn't be having this conversation now. I look at my wife and feel nothing. I look at the other woman and I get that connection that I've been looking for. I think over the last 12 years that I've made myself believe that in marriage you lose that "In Love" feeling and that was normal. Problem is that I now see couples that have been married for as long or longer than I have and they still have that connection. Another thing, especially if you have children, PLEASE try to make this work out for their sakes, they deserve that from you, think if you would like to grow up with that, I know I wouldn't!! And another note, this other woman that you are seeing, you only know the good times with her, always remember that. You don't see all the potential arguments and day to day life that is just life, you know all of that with your current wife and you think that things can only go downhill from here but let me promise you that things can get better, you just have to want to work it out is all. Believe me, after I found out my wife cheated on me I thought it was over but when I looked at those kids I was willing to give it a second chance for their sakes and so far things are better than they were before the A. My wife told me after I asked her why she didn't try to work it out before she had the affair that she was trying to make me be romantic and I just wasn't doing anything for her. After I look back on things I realize that she is a very emotional woman, most are I know now and I have changed dramatically. You have to go from being a husband who is just there to a man that she cannot resist and takes great pride in. Edited March 26, 2010 by eddie_d_2000 Added Info
crazycatlady Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I think this has been coming on for a long time...I mean why did I look to the other person in the first place...something must have been missing.... My wife's got several issues and I think that I've been altering my behavior to prevent any outbursts for years.. the affair has been going on for 8 months now, but very little physical contact as I'm horribly afraid of getting caught. Other woman is obviously into me as well or I wouldn't be having this conversation now. I look at my wife and feel nothing. I look at the other woman and I get that connection that I've been looking for. I think over the last 12 years that I've made myself believe that in marriage you lose that "In Love" feeling and that was normal. Problem is that I now see couples that have been married for as long or longer than I have and they still have that connection. If you truly felt that everything was over with your wife you wouldn't care if you were caught or not. You know, I'm dealing with my H's infidelity right now, and I must say at least he's not a freaking jerk and blaming me for his problems. In fact he has been insistant in the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing I could have done or been would have changed things. Its all him. He's owning this. You, you are blaming her. That's low. CCL
2.50 a gallon Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Let me look into my crystal ball into your future, should you break up with your wife. After she gets over the shock, most likely she will find another man to take your place and you will be devastated. To give you a sense of the feeling listen to Hank Williams sing "I can't help it if I'm sill in love with you" and understand this is barely touching the surface You probably do not realize how deeply the hooks of those wedding vows you took are. They are engrained in your soul. I found out the hard way. I was a player when I met my wife. We lived in the same apartment complex and she chased me from day one. I did not want to give up my single life and kept messing around with other women. She was fold out material so had lots of males chasing her. It did not even phase me. She tried to get me jealous many times, by taking her latest beau for a walk by my place and introducing us as being friends. I used to even mix them drinks and once invited them over for a bar-b-q. It was not false bravery, as I truly did not care one way or another. She finally won, we married, I took them vows. We broke up and everything had changed. She was my wife and it damned near killed me to see her with her new guy.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Next question. Are you ready to lose that special relationship you have with your "wonderful child" My ex brother-in-law was my best friend in high school and until his divorce from my sister. They had two girls. The oldest married right out of high school and gave him two grandkids, but he only saw them at church on the day they were baptized. Both of his girls totally shunned him from bringing the OW into their lives and breaking up their family, zero contact. This past summer, the youngest girl finally married, she is in her 30's and has a couple of degrees. He was invited to the wedding, first contact in decades, and we got to talk for the first time in all those years. He had no idea that his youngest daughter had two degrees in college, much less where she worked or anything about her life. His grandson, the oldest, was a senior in high school. My XBIL had to ask me if that young man was his grandson. He did not know. He also had never seen his grandson play high school football. He did not know that his grandson had been a starter since his sophomore year. He did not know that his grand son got mostly "A's" in school. He did not know that his grandson was working a part time job in order to buy his first car. He knows nothing about the first 18 years of his grandkids life. This could be you. As in many cases the children blames the parent who brings the OW or OM into the family as being the bad guy. You might win visitation rights, as did my XBIL, but the day his youngest daughter came of age, she turned on him, and it was no contact for the next 15 years. 1
jnj express Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Hey confused----arn't you really horribly afraid of having to empty your wallet and give half of everything to your wife, if you get caught or "out" yourself. Mge. is very hard work----especially older, boring, steady quiet mge.s. You are bored with all of it---the passion that was there years ago is gone, and it isn't coming back----but mge., with a partner who you have happily shared your life with, even w/out the hot passion is great. As I said you just have to work at it/ You say you and your wife have issues----have you REALLY tried to work out these issues, and if they are tooo much then why not get a divorce, and just be single again. Problem with being single again---specially if you are older, not a lot of stuff out there that doesn't already have baggage, and many once they do get older really don't care that much about sex, it ain't no big deal for them. Other things are more important. If it wasn't for the hot sex----would you even look at this affair partner, I bet NOT. You ain't in love, you just have hot passion, and infatuation, it will wear off, then where will you be?????? Right now your living at disneyland, wake up and go back to reality. These issues you claim your wife has, they have actually been magnified about 1000 times, to justify your cheatin---isn't that true?????
Fallen Angel Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I think this has been coming on for a long time...I mean why did I look to the other person in the first place...something must have been missing.... My wife's got several issues and I think that I've been altering my behavior to prevent any outbursts for years.. the affair has been going on for 8 months now, but very little physical contact as I'm horribly afraid of getting caught. Other woman is obviously into me as well or I wouldn't be having this conversation now. I look at my wife and feel nothing. I look at the other woman and I get that connection that I've been looking for. I think over the last 12 years that I've made myself believe that in marriage you lose that "In Love" feeling and that was normal. Problem is that I now see couples that have been married for as long or longer than I have and they still have that connection. I have not read the whole thread, and as it is long, and I tend to be a bit lazy, I am not likely to read it all, that said here is what I think...You will get a lot of advice on here from people who have been betrayed by their own spouse, trying to shame you into reconciliation with your wife. I am not one of those, in fact, I am an "OW" in a relationship with a man with previous legal commitments. It is not my job to pass judgement upon you, or to make you feel shame for coming here and being honest and seeking advice. My job is to simply give my views, for you to take or leave as you chose. I do think that you owe it to yourself, your wife, your child and your OW to really be sure about what you want. That may mean taking a break from both of the women in your life. You need to make a decision based on what is best for everyone involved. Will you be content in five years if you let go of your OW in favor of sticking it out in your marriage because those were the vows you made? Will doing that be what is best for your wife? Does she deserve to know that you love her but are not in love with her anymore? Does she deserve the chance to find a man who will be in love with her? What will be best for your child? Will living in a house where mom and dad are not really in a loving committed relationship be better than living with parents who are divorced but happy in their lives? What will be best for you? Will you be willing to let go of your OW and focus 100% effort on restoring your marriage, or are you unwilling or unable to do that? Will divorcing and giving an honest open relationship with your OW a chance be something that will fulfill you? What if you divorce and the relationship with your OW doesn't work out? Will you still think you made the right choice? What will be best for your OW? Will you tell her that you are recommitting to your marriage and let her go with complete No Contact and allow her to begin to heal, or are you likely to keep drawing her back in to an affair with you playing her like a yo-yo while you make up your mind? Will you be willing to divorce and have an open an honest relationship with her without drawing her into the messiness that your divorce will entail? Do you care for her enough to let her go for now, until you can make a choice between the two? Only you know the answer to these questions and all the others you need to consider. I would suggest getting into counseling and getting honest with your wife. If you simply are not at a point where you feel you can admit to the affair, at least let her in on the fact that you feel this disconect and are contemplating leaving. Personally I think you should disclose your affair, as I think that everyone should play this game on the same field, all parties having all of the facts, so that all parties involved can make the decisions that are best for themselves. It is not really fair for you to make all of the decisions for everyone else, especially if they do not have the facts they need to make one for themself. But that is just my opinion. Good luck to you.
Fallen Angel Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Next question. Are you ready to lose that special relationship you have with your "wonderful child" My ex brother-in-law was my best friend in high school and until his divorce from my sister. They had two girls. The oldest married right out of high school and gave him two grandkids, but he only saw them at church on the day they were baptized. Both of his girls totally shunned him from bringing the OW into their lives and breaking up their family, zero contact. This past summer, the youngest girl finally married, she is in her 30's and has a couple of degrees. He was invited to the wedding, first contact in decades, and we got to talk for the first time in all those years. He had no idea that his youngest daughter had two degrees in college, much less where she worked or anything about her life. His grandson, the oldest, was a senior in high school. My XBIL had to ask me if that young man was his grandson. He did not know. He also had never seen his grandson play high school football. He did not know that his grandson had been a starter since his sophomore year. He did not know that his grand son got mostly "A's" in school. He did not know that his grandson was working a part time job in order to buy his first car. He knows nothing about the first 18 years of his grandkids life. This could be you. As in many cases the children blames the parent who brings the OW or OM into the family as being the bad guy. You might win visitation rights, as did my XBIL, but the day his youngest daughter came of age, she turned on him, and it was no contact for the next 15 years. It could be like that, or it could be like it was for my step-father. (he was MM and my mother was OW for years, until he divorced and married my mother.) When his children finally met my mother they got along very well with her. They remained close to their father, and even accepted my sister and me as their "sisters". (they never used the term "step-sister".) They were glad to finally meet the woman who made their father happy, and have even stated that had he done it sooner it would have saved them a lot of confusion when they were younger. My sister (step) has told me that she never witnessed displays of affection between her father and her mother. It was not until she was an adult that she ever witnessed her father kiss a woman. (my mother) She also asked my mother to make her wedding dress, and to sit at the front of the church next to her own mother during the wedding. Telling people how poorly things can turn out as a scare tactic in order to convince them to stay in an unhappy marriage is silly. Often times the children are more confused and more emotionally damaged by couples that chose to stay together for their sake, rather than divorce and seek happiness. A child will see that the parent values joy and love, and will eventually work through the divorce issues so long as the parent who does not have physical custody, does not abandon their parental roles after the divorce.
wheelwright Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) Okay, let me first say that I have NEVER been involved in anything like this before. I've been married for over 10 years and this is the first time anything like this has come up before. I'll spare you all the boring details (some not so boring), and come right down to it. Events have happened over the last 10-12 years or so that make me feel like i'm not "In Love" with my wife. We have a wonderful life and a child together, but when I look at her...I just don't get that "In Love" feeling. I care deeply for her, but I just don't get that feeling. I have started a relationship with another woman a while back. When I look into her eyes...I get that feeling. You know...when you look into someone elses eyes and you just feel that spark. I feel like I deserve that spark. I just don't know if I can get it back with my current wife. Anyone else out there experience this or have any comments? Follow your heart. Or follow your life plan. Just don't die in the effort. Wait for the end to die. Live and love and be happy. And find out what that means. And lose all in the effort if you have to. And if you lose? Then live with the fact that following your heart meant you lose. And learn to understand what that means. But don't die while you live. Plently of time for that later. But you have to know either your heart or your life plan to follow this advice. So go there. Edited March 28, 2010 by wheelwright add
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I had to chime in because your situation is very similar to mine - but in a somewhat reversed way. My STBX is a walkaway wife, for exactly the reasons you talk about - the pursuit of the feeling of love in someone else. I have never been in your situation before, by that I mean, I have never been struck by infatuation so hard that I was willing to throw away my M and large portions of my life that I chose to build together with my spouse... Affair fog is very very strong. I've seen this from the position of a man trying to get his woman back. Like most, I was unsuccessful. You owe it to your W, to your child, and to your family to at least TRY MC. In my situation, my STBX was so caught up in the fog, she shot down any and every attempt at trying to even take a look at what the underlying issue(s) was/were. The first poster suggested a book by Dr. Harley, "His Needs Her Needs." I've read excerpts from that book and its an amazing read. It is true, you can have that spark you feel with your OW with your wife, man... You CAN HAVE THAT! You're risking so much, for a feeling... a feeling. You vowed to honor your wife man, do that. This is walkaway wife, high school BS we're talking about here. At least that's how it appears to a neutral third party standing outside the fog. This can't end well if you continue to pursue your A. My suggestion is that you please TRY to connect with your wife in MC. Tell her about your affair, tell her that you're "not in love" but you love her. Tell her you want to fix it; or at least tell her you want to try. After all, you vowed to love HER for better or for worse... etc. Just consider this: If it was 100% possible to obtain the spark that you have with your OW with your W, would you drop your A and do what it takes to create that spark and enjoy your family in tact?? Its possible my friend. Try first. If you fail, you can always leave later.
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