Jump to content

Doing my best to stay strong, but goodness... it's painful!


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

So, as I've stated before... we still live together. I'm in a situation where I may have an opportunity to pursue a reforming band, which could be the transition I've wanted. Until then, and not banking on the certainty of that option, I've been remaining in the house we rent, whilst looking for another... Her car has nearly 120k miles, and it's inspection time; she's also going to be transferring colleges to finish up her bachelor's degree, then it's onto law school — at this point, her savings is running dry; she had tax issues, due to the HR people at her company fumbling. At the same time, I felt it was my duty to be there for her to help, because I've had people who were there for me in such ways. Anymore, I've disclaimed that I'm no longer offering my help, but if she needs it, she may ask and I will consider it.

 

She doesn't burden me with these problems, because I genuinely do care. She knows I'm struggling, but I know she is and will be struggling once I'm gone, BUT that was her choice. I've pulled the plug on physical contact, because I know she sees any sort of it as an ulterior motive. For instance, she was very stressed the other evening about the abovementioned happenings, and I told her if she ever needs a hug, again, I'm not offering, but "just ask." Her retort was, "Do you really want me to cry?" This is the biggest and dumbest game of grab-@ss I've ever played in my entire life.

 

Anyway, I'm at work — my job consists of creating email marketing campaigns for a few (big) companies that shall remain nameless. I'm working on one now for a Hotels & Resorts company. All these fcking pictures of the beach, getaways, romantic dinners, Hawaii (she's half-NA and half-Hawaiian... who knows if I'll ever top that!), etc. is just giving me gas pains. We spent so much time together on the beach (about 33 days in total over three-years); got engaged on the pier of one our favorites... I NEED A HYPNOTHERAPIST TO FORGET!!!

 

So, Monday, I gave her the low-down on life after I get a new place: NC. She's not a fan. She insists that we must remain friends, and when I find a new woman, she will hate her and she will be jealous if/when she finds out... again, grab-@ss. She considers me to be taking advantage of her emotionally when I speak of cutting ties, when she's the one who dealt the hand of "friend" cards. Explaining the impossibility of remaining a friend, due to my feelings, I guess, doesn't make sense to her. Sidenote: I admit I made her feel like she was in the backseat in the relationship, only because I knew she was young and tackling a lot of things in life most 20 year-olds do not... I always thought she was too consumed, and her personal time was her personal time — I liked my space and assumed she needs hers; I guess I read it the wrong way. BUT, it was never intended to be that way, and the audacity to call me out as a friend, assuming I'm okay with it hurts. When "love" went from "care" and the hugs were no longer welcomed... now she wants to fist-bump me before she leaves the house. It's all bullsht.

Posted

Your situation doesn't sound like a good enviroment for either of you really. I mean, how do you live together after being in a relationship. I can't fathom it. I know though there's situations that make that hard. Luckily, I had my Mom. I was able to stay with her until I found something else.

 

I'd say try to sort out a way to seperate for now.

You both need that.

  • Author
Posted

I'm kind of in Spriggig's position, though I'm not married, but rather formerly engaged. It's about the finances now, but that time is drawing to a close.

 

It's coming together, as I've started throwing all sorts of ideas against the wall: joining the Peace Corps, continuing work but on capital hill (dropping to part-time to focus on the band, if that's still a possibility), or just moving to the city here, and doing what I do (Pittsburgh).

 

I went out tonight, saw my cousin's new band perform together for the first time, and it was great. I had a few slumpy moments, but I was knocked out of them quickly, as I was in the comfort of a lot of friends/family—ones I hadn't seen in ages. It was awkward, but very humbling when my cousin, a rather good-looking dude (mind you), pointed me out to his new and very beautiful girlfriend and said, "If I could look like anybody, it'd be this guy—look at that 'Don Juan' Johnny Depp face." I felt like a billion bucks (even though the compliment was coming from a dude/relative)!

 

Returning to an empty home sans child (our dog), I felt obligated to be an @sshole by texting the former about how she left the basement door propped open, thus allowing the dog to scatter trash in the stairwell, living room, upstairs, dining room, etc. etc. on top of not leaving a light on for the beast, AND not locking the doors (partially sketchy neighborhood here). I feel putting the livelihood of our animal and safety of the current household at stake is very irresponsible, and those kinds of things are worth me breaking LC... And, after it all, I'm learning, though I'm a wreck every so often, at least I'm keeping my composure and able to think and operate not only normally and rationally, but also responsibly.

Posted

You're handling it well. It will become much harder when she's moved out, though. You're absolutely right about it all being bullsh*t. When they end it, they end it, and all that stuff afterwards is manipulation.

 

Go NC as soon as you can manage it. It takes a LONG time to fully implement NC and have success, but without it, you're never really getting the healing you need.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks RM!

 

As of today, I'm feeling really strong. A buddy of mine is going through a similar issue; so it only feels right to be there for one another. I can't say I'm in the angry phase, but more so a state of indifference. That said, I don't want to be around her—my dog-like separation anxiety is dissipating, and I've been more or less intolerant of her presence. Additionally, the whole 'blaming myself' phase is pretty much out, after a lot of consideration and talking with my mother and her girlfriend a little more over the outcome.

 

Another sidenote: I feel like I have so many options available for which I may now embark. My only debt is my car, and that's only about $9k—thank goodness for my frugal ways. I've talked about making a move with my brother-in-law and sister for a year to start fresh, about 300 miles away, and I'm heavily leaning (like Matthew Maconahay does in all those movie promo poster/covers!) in that direction. Also, said buddy was asking me what the former missus' plans are, and I'd mentioned about a school for which she says she's attending in the fall, yet still hasn't applied. He'd clued me in that admissions for fall are closed:) She dumped me, yet I've been getting some gems thrown at me left and right.

 

"Yay-yay-ee" — Ice Cube

Posted

You got your sh*t together. You won't have any problem at all when you're ready to date. You'll have that car paid in no time, too. Stylin, my man :)

 

Chances are, she's going to regret her decision. But the best thing for you both is a lot of space and focus on your own lives. Never know what the future holds...

  • Author
Posted

Again RM, thanks!

 

And about that space: truth be told, a lot of people I know are looking at me as if I'm going insane with the big leaps:laugh:, but I consider it to be me taking a deep breath and stepping outside of the circle of complacency. We had big plans, but we both changed as a result of developing-adulthood (screw off, society) and what those roles entail.

 

She came home last night, and we discussed plans and talked about how our weekends went. Seems as though the tables have turned, and she's becoming the emotional wreck (e.g. getting sloppy drunk with her girlfriends and crying about life). She added how the dependency 'hit her' this weekend, and how she knows it's going to be tough not having someone there in her corner 100% of the time, yet liberating in that, by survival, she's going to have to dive in headfirst and do it on her own; I'm proud of her. Heh, oh well! She's a 'no regrets' type individual, but... we all know that's another bullsht phrase/motto/mantra that many people incessantly repeat and kid themselves into believing.

 

Although I love her and a part of me is still in love with her, I'm getting shaken out of it — at 25 and with my personal needs/achievements for which I can only fulfill, I've realized I'm not ready for such an adult relationship, and it feels good to actually recognize that.

×
×
  • Create New...