mama1984 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I have been with my boyfriend for 2+ years. In the beginning everything was what I had always wanted. Things were good. But as I got to know him more I realized his first and only relationship was 7 years long and was very long distance and he still talked to her off and on. He told me I could look through anything and everything on his computer. I know I shouldnt have probably but I did. there she was all over the place. Emails, pictures folder upon folders. I became very leary of the whole thing. He said that she broke up with him for no real reason and the ended on good terms but she still borke his heart. Personally I dont get it. I told him that there hadnt been any real closure and since they had crossed that intimacy boundary that the "just friends" thing wasnt possible in my opinion. I learned more about her and she seemed to be a real ****ty person and I couldnt understand why he was still talking to her except for the meer fact that there were still buried feelings there. So in the 2 years i have been with him I have come across 2 inappropriate txts from her and he txted her to stop. But 2 weeks before I was going to move to our house back in his home state I randomly looked through his phone( which he has okayd) and there it was a txt from him this time about how he wanted to hold and kiss her.......my heart sank and I got livid. I called him on it packed my ****. We had a very very very loooooooooooooooong talk after that and he told her that they could never speak in any way shape or form because this relationship was real. I am still having troubles with trusting him and its been 3 months. I dont want to keep brining my insecurities up if something bothers me about her. Any suggestions? I do love him and I believe he loves me. Guys are weak sometimes. I know people make mistakes.
ADF Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It sounds like your BF did in fact engage in a small amount of inapproproate chit-chat. But what comes accross most powerfully in your post is your almost pathological insecurity, insecurity bordering on paranoia. I have no idea why your BF would give you permission to snoop through his computer and phone. I never would have, and if I'd ever found out my GF had done such a thing, I'd dump her on the spot. But what is really crazy is your demand that he allow this. GROW UP. If you are so paranoid you need to spy on a man to assuage your insecurity, you are not ready to have a relationship. Not menetally, not emotionally. You need to sort out whatever is putting these fears into you first.
Author mama1984 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 it was his idea to look through his comp and phone. He said he had nothing to hide and it was his idea also to not talk to her again. But i do see your points.
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 ...I randomly looked through his phone( which he has okayd) and there it was a txt from him this time about how he wanted to hold and kiss her.......my heart sank and I got livid. I called him on it packed my ****. We had a very long talk after that and he told her that they could never speak in any way shape or form because this relationship was real. So, it's been three months since he willingly cut off all contact? I have a friend who went through something similar and allowing the BS (you) to freely snoop did eventually allay her fears--but it took two years for her to feel comfortable again. It's trust but verify. Watch him closely and make sure he continues to do EVERYTHING ELSE right too. Don't let him tell you that he can have some other freedoms in exchange for you being allowed to snoop. He is willingly sacrificing his right to privacy to ally your VALID concerns, based on real evidence, that he might cheat--that's the deal, don't let him try to change it. You get to choose when you're comfortable again, not him. This CAN work. But your mileage may vary.
Author mama1984 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I do not feel in my "gut" that I should walk away yet. He has always willingly shared everything. But I think it was oversharing that got me to think that there was still something between them. He knows where I stand and if anything similar happens to where I don't feel safe with him trust wise, I'm gone for good. Thanks for you imput.
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