Guilt Trips

[BlackLovely]

Hello dears. I need to get this off my chest and receive feedback. I would ask that you be kind, even if you don't agree with what I've posted. Kindness means no insults or name calling.

Troggleputty, I will not read your response, so don't even bother posting.

 

Now then. I have not spoken to my parents for two months. My mother has always been abusive and difficult to be around. She is the kind of woman that only likes people, who kiss her ass and agree with her all the time. My mother has embarrassed me in front of my fiance with her loud shrieking about everything. She also refuses to accept that we will be eloping. Every time we see her, she bellows about having a big wedding. Since I know that she will always be a hateful witch, I have decided to stay away from her for a time. My father, god love him, is a quiet and sweet man. However, he has never stood up to my mother and enables the abuse. None of my father's side want anything to do with my mother. I cannot change them, so I choose to stay away for now.

 

My eldest brother is one of my mother's favorite children, as she has made sure to tell me. He is a lawyer, which makes him lovable in her eyes. My brother and I have always had a great relationship, except for one problem: He makes excuses for my mother no matter what she does and he participates in her manipulative, triangulating dynamic.

Whenever I have discontinued communication with my parents, Big Bro acts as a programmed, status quo Nazi. When my mother cannot get to me herself, she uses my siblings to try to get to me. Most people in our family, extended and immediate, feel that she can do no wrong. My brother makes statements like "You're going to cry the hardest when they die!" "If you don't talk to them, there will be consequences." Dysfunctional families are so much fun, huh? The guilt trips are oh so healthy for the soul! I grew up with my mother complaining about me to my brother, as if I wasn't even in the room.

 

I'm sure you'll want to know what kind of abuse I have suffered. I have been brutally beaten by my mother for foolishness like not washing the dishes fast enough. She has been calling me a whore since I was 10 years old. She has constantly put me down, compared me to other people and tried to ruin my romantic relationships with negative comments to my past partners. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and I will for the rest of my life.

 

I'm finally at a place where I can say I am doing moderately well. I have good girlfriends to enjoy the rest of my youth with. I have a gracious, patient and loving man that cherishes me. I have a blossoming career in finance. I am gradually shedding some extra pounds (I'm a size 12) and overall, I just want to walk away from my sad childhood and move on. If my mother chooses to wreak havoc in my impending marriage and in my life, she will pay the price of not having me around. I will no longer tolerate abuse I did nothing to deserve. Parents reap what they sow.

 

I'm sorry that this post is so long. I just wanted to include all the details. My question is: How can I avoid feeling guilty about cutting my parents off until I am ready to deal with them? I felt so strong for months and now I feel insecure about my choice, after seeing my brother. I told him that I do not want to belabor this issue by talking about it all the time.

[2sure]

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves regarding family is create some distance.

 

Since you do want some relationship with your siblings, your dad, and maybe a slight one with your mom the future ..you cant cut them out completely.

And you dont want to, thats why you feel guilty.

 

So think about distance and degree of it. Finding the proper balance is a process of trial and error. And to some extent something most people go through as they age, mature, and grow regardless of the amount of dysfunction in their families. You have special problems , so you will end up with a bit more distance than someone who does not. But not as much as someone who cannot communicate at all with anyone in their family.

 

You are establishing a career, choosing a life partner, becoming happy with yourself. ALL of those things naturally create some distance from parents because they are part of a life they have little to do with. It will feel so natural to you, you will not feel guilty. So, there is that. With that distance created, a no chance of regaining control....maybe your mom will give it up and shut up.

 

Or move & send XMas cards. People do it.

[Tayla]

Just as a healthy parent needs to learn how to let go with love, so too does the child. Let go with Love for them. I in NO way CONDONE your mothers behavior. ITs unacceptable. PERIOD. What I can say is you are wise to see the unhealthiness of this parent and are doing right for yourself and your future by keeping the physical distance and the emotional one as well. As to your sibling, Simply SHUT down the comments with a simple, that is your perspective comment that has been voiced before, so lets move forward.

 

As to the Guilt, would you feel guilty if your best friend was going thru this and you advised her to move away from the destructive behaviors being exhibited? No, you would support and show understanding...

 

I wish you well in this transistion, somewhere along the way you'l regard your differences and make peace on some level. Even if its long after the parent is gone.....

[neonthai91]

In a way, are guilt trips a form of manipulation? not only from your family but if you grew with your family guilting you all along you could potentially guilt your partner not knowing you have right?

[pureinheart]

Hello dears. I need to get this off my chest and receive feedback. I would ask that you be kind, even if you don't agree with what I've posted. Kindness means no insults or name calling.

Troggleputty, I will not read your response, so don't even bother posting.

 

Now then. I have not spoken to my parents for two months. My mother has always been abusive and difficult to be around. She is the kind of woman that only likes people, who kiss her ass and agree with her all the time. My mother has embarrassed me in front of my fiance with her loud shrieking about everything. She also refuses to accept that we will be eloping. Every time we see her, she bellows about having a big wedding. Since I know that she will always be a hateful witch, I have decided to stay away from her for a time. My father, god love him, is a quiet and sweet man. However, he has never stood up to my mother and enables the abuse. None of my father's side want anything to do with my mother. I cannot change them, so I choose to stay away for now.

 

My eldest brother is one of my mother's favorite children, as she has made sure to tell me. He is a lawyer, which makes him lovable in her eyes. My brother and I have always had a great relationship, except for one problem: He makes excuses for my mother no matter what she does and he participates in her manipulative, triangulating dynamic.

Whenever I have discontinued communication with my parents, Big Bro acts as a programmed, status quo Nazi. When my mother cannot get to me herself, she uses my siblings to try to get to me. Most people in our family, extended and immediate, feel that she can do no wrong. My brother makes statements like "You're going to cry the hardest when they die!" "If you don't talk to them, there will be consequences." Dysfunctional families are so much fun, huh? The guilt trips are oh so healthy for the soul! I grew up with my mother complaining about me to my brother, as if I wasn't even in the room.

 

I'm sure you'll want to know what kind of abuse I have suffered. I have been brutally beaten by my mother for foolishness like not washing the dishes fast enough. She has been calling me a whore since I was 10 years old. She has constantly put me down, compared me to other people and tried to ruin my romantic relationships with negative comments to my past partners. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and I will for the rest of my life.

 

I'm finally at a place where I can say I am doing moderately well. I have good girlfriends to enjoy the rest of my youth with. I have a gracious, patient and loving man that cherishes me. I have a blossoming career in finance. I am gradually shedding some extra pounds (I'm a size 12) and overall, I just want to walk away from my sad childhood and move on. If my mother chooses to wreak havoc in my impending marriage and in my life, she will pay the price of not having me around. I will no longer tolerate abuse I did nothing to deserve. Parents reap what they sow.

 

I'm sorry that this post is so long. I just wanted to include all the details. My question is: How can I avoid feeling guilty about cutting my parents off until I am ready to deal with them? I felt so strong for months and now I feel insecure about my choice, after seeing my brother. I told him that I do not want to belabor this issue by talking about it all the time.

 

If this were me, and with the councelling I've been through, I would stay away from your parents until they BOTH have had councelling and own up to what they both have done to you. I would tell my siblings to stay the hell away from me too if they need to, because you WILL NOT allow any sort of abuse in your life from this day forward.

 

The reason I include you father is because he stood by and allowed her to abuse you....I am going to be quiet now because this is absolutely horrible what you have gone through...make no mistake about that...

 

Hey take care, my prayers and thoughts are with you and your new hubby (or soon to be).

[BlackLovely]

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves regarding family is create some distance.

 

Since you do want some relationship with your siblings, your dad, and maybe a slight one with your mom the future ..you cant cut them out completely.

And you dont want to, thats why you feel guilty.

 

So think about distance and degree of it. Finding the proper balance is a process of trial and error. And to some extent something most people go through as they age, mature, and grow regardless of the amount of dysfunction in their families. You have special problems , so you will end up with a bit more distance than someone who does not. But not as much as someone who cannot communicate at all with anyone in their family.

 

You are establishing a career, choosing a life partner, becoming happy with yourself. ALL of those things naturally create some distance from parents because they are part of a life they have little to do with. It will feel so natural to you, you will not feel guilty. So, there is that. With that distance created, a no chance of regaining control....maybe your mom will give it up and shut up.

 

Or move & send XMas cards. People do it.

 

When you say I have "special problems" what are you referring to? I cannot have a relationship with my father and not my mom, they come in a package.

I don't think my mother is capable of "shutting up" LOL

I am thinking of no phone contact or in person visits until after the elopement. I will send cards and gifts at the appropriate times during the interim. By the end of this year, I will once again visit sporadically (once every few months) and talk on the phone once a month. This is all I can handle.

[BlackLovely]

Just as a healthy parent needs to learn how to let go with love, so too does the child. Let go with Love for them. I in NO way CONDONE your mothers behavior. ITs unacceptable. PERIOD. What I can say is you are wise to see the unhealthiness of this parent and are doing right for yourself and your future by keeping the physical distance and the emotional one as well. As to your sibling, Simply SHUT down the comments with a simple, that is your perspective comment that has been voiced before, so lets move forward.

 

As to the Guilt, would you feel guilty if your best friend was going thru this and you advised her to move away from the destructive behaviors being exhibited? No, you would support and show understanding...

 

I wish you well in this transistion, somewhere along the way you'l regard your differences and make peace on some level. Even if its long after the parent is gone.....

 

Thanks for calling me wise; I get that a lot. I would tell my friend that she deserves much better treatment from her MOTHER, for god's sake. We have made peace and had blowouts like this before. I'm so tired of the drama.

[BlackLovely]

In a way, are guilt trips a form of manipulation? not only from your family but if you grew with your family guilting you all along you could potentially guilt your partner not knowing you have right?

In my eyes, manipulation is a never mistake. It is a covert way of influencing someone's behavior.

[Disillusioned]

Guilt is a state of mind. It's been my experience that women, more than men, try to put guilt trips onto others they think have done a wrong. Sometimes, the guilt trip works too well, and the target gets all gloomy and commits suicide. But usually, if the guilt treatment is effective, the target becomes mopey and depressed.

 

I never let myself feel guilty about eating candy for breakfast, even though my mother, granny, and mother's granny all tried to guilt me for that. I'm fat and I got 15 cavities, but I never allowed myself to feel guilty. Guilt ultimately ends in suicide.

[dennisflorida]

Guilt is a state of mind.

 

this.

 

 

The only guilt trip that really work are the ones we put on ourselves.

I'm guilty of falling prey to the dreaded guilt trip. My Mom and and

my Grandma (her mom) use guilt trips all the time. I hate it. But it's my fault

for giving in to it.

 

also, I don't know how a nice man (from what you've said) like your Dad could

stay with a woman so mean.

Edited March 29, 2010 by dennisflorida

[BlackLovely]

[Sometimes, the guilt trip works too well, and the target gets all gloomy and commits suicide. But usually, if the guilt treatment is effective, the target becomes mopey and depressed.

 

I'm fat and I got 15 cavities, but I never allowed myself to feel guilty. Guilt ultimately ends in suicide.

 

Guilt doesn't have to lead to suicide if one does not choose to end her life.

Also, many emotions, not just guilt, can lead to suicide. You are oversimplifying the issues by saying I may kill myself because of a guilt trip.

15 cavities?! I hope your breath isn't bad.

[BlackLovely]

[quote

 

 

The only guilt trip that really work are the ones we put on ourselves.

I'm guilty of falling prey to the dreaded guilt trip. My Mom and and

my Grandma (her mom) use guilt trips all the time. I hate it. But it's my fault for giving in to it. also, I don't know how a nice man (from what you've said) like your Dad could

stay with a woman so mean.

 

This makes much more sense to me than that "guilt leads to suicide" nonsense.

My parents have never had a very happy marriage. My father cheated on my mother and he constantly complained about her to me when I was growing up. I think he stays with her out of a sense of duty; he was not raised by his parents. He wanted his children to have what he didn't. Also, they have been married for more than 30 years and are nearly 60 years old. Although they are unhappy, they lack the courage to start their lives over again as single people.

I'm certain that if my mother left my father when he cheated, she would have been a much happier woman. She would have realized her educational dreams and sent a message to her only daughter about not taking s**t from men. Instead, she chose to stay and continue to wait on my father hand and foot, moaning about it all the while.

Yeesh...no wonder I always said I would never marry. I didn't want some jerk cheating on me and expecting me to be his maid. Life is full of surprises...my fiance does not treat me like a servant. The jury is still out on the cheating, because I believe that every man cheats, no matter what they say. My fiance doesn't like when I say this, but he didn't grow up seeing every man in his family sleep around, like I did. What you see is what you know, right? No amount of therapy will change my beliefs.

Still not talking to them. As I mentioned before, I will send gifts at the appropriate times, but I do not wish to converse or visit my parents.

As per the advice, I will own my choices and not allow people to guilt me. Thanks so much, you guys. *hugs* *cheek kisses*

[Dooda]

Hey Blacklovely,

It's like you make peace with your parents, and then it goes back the same way it was before, right?

I have the same type of parents, except that my father has his own side of abuse, and a lack of control over his emotions and actions, so that it comes from both sides, in different ways.

I can understand exactly what you are feeling.

My brother acts in EXACTLY the same way. He can't seem to see the abuse that they give me, and that he gives me (because he has the same mentality). He doesn't feel that he has been treated better, simply because he is the one who was treated better. My mom and my brother would complain about me right in my face, "he's such a garbage person", "he has no respect for no one", and my mom would give me the disgusting look, like I was a piece of dirt. My brother would expect an apology out of me after he would have abused me, physically or verbally. Same with my mother or father. They would abuse me on every level, and then it was up to me to make amends, otherwise they would give me the silent treatment.

I am on the verge of hating them. They don't even realize that I hate them. They think that I am out of control, and that I am overreacting, but they don't realize what they have done to me. I have been depressed for 4 years now, and I feel like it just isn't going away. I think I know that this depression , anxiety comes from the relationship I have with my parents and my brother, but I have no way of dealing with it, and letting go of all of these emotions...

If you are managing to distance yourself from your parents and family, then that's a good thing. I think the hardest part is letting go of the guilt, of feeling like you are wrong, or letting go of the bitterness that you hold towards your parents, because of what they did...

[Jaser]

Everyone has felt guilty many times.We have seen guilt lead us to repentance and life.We have also seen guilt lead to self-hatred and despair.