Church Bells Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 If I give in to anger, I've lost. Besides, he IS a Marine, so he knows what to do with anger that comes his way. I'm trying to open his eyes a bit. Anger just raises defenses. Obviously, we are all wired differently. Let him KNOW that you still have your self-respect, Apparently, I was mistaken when I suggested the above. I'm sorry.
CarrieT Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Unrelated question, Sprig - is that you in your avatar?
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 But blaming the OM for you and your wife's irresponsible behavior is evasion He isn't putting ALL the blame on the OM. He is and has put it on his wife... The OM has SOME responsibility for his part in this. Noone held a gun to the OM's head and told him to have an affair with S's wife. Sprig, not all OM are like JJoe. Many OM have felt remorse and truly regret their part in the affair. Go read stampdaddy's threads..
Disintegration Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Sorry you're going through a rough time spriggig. I've read some of your posts and really feel for you. The OM doesn't sound like a winner living at home still, seems like she is downgrading if you ask me. I'm glad you feel like you got some validation contacting the OM.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Sprig, I am responsible for MY actions. But blaming the OM for you and your wife's irresponsible behavior is evasion, pure and simple. When my affair started, my MW didn't tell me she was married until we had been together 3 or 4 times. Yes, after that, I should have ended it, and that is MY mistake. See, folks, he's not such a bad guy! But her cheating on her husband isn't my fault. And the problems in their marriage aren't my responsibility , either. If you want to confront the OM, do it. But if you think that by doing so, it excuses your wife's behavior, or lessens your own responsibility for your marriage issues, you are not being honest with yourself. Blaming it all on the OM is the "feel good", solution, but not the real one. JustJoe, again, I never said any of this anywhere. Did you read my other posts yet? Didn't deny my responsibility. Didn't deny my wife's responsibility. Never blamed it ALL on the OM. Didn't do any of that. All I want is for the OM to own up to HIS PART. Yes, after that, I should have ended it, and that is MY mistake. Thanks for admitting this, not that you care or anything, but you've redeemed yourself in my eyes a little bit.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 He isn't putting ALL the blame on the OM. He is and has put it on his wife... The OM has SOME responsibility for his part in this. Noone held a gun to the OM's head and told him to have an affair with S's wife. Sprig, not all OM are like JJoe. Many OM have felt remorse and truly regret their part in the affair. Go read stampdaddy's threads.. Thank you. I will read it. I could use a little hope right now. Also, JustJoe came around! So that helped too.
Jeff1962 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Thank you. OK, not honor. How about just being a decent human being? Yes, I'm seeking retribution and, I'll admit I wouldn't mind harming their relationship if that happens. It's angry, bitter and dirty. And, very human. Would I be an indecent human for confronting him, for attempting to hold him accountable where no one else will? I don't think so. I've spent 10 weeks figuring out why our marriage broke down and I've taken full responsibility for my half here in this public forum and privately with my wife. I've faced the guilt and forgiven myself. Should she be willing to take responsibility for her half, face the guilt and forgive me, I would be able to forgive her. That's not going to happen, in spite of my hope against odds. I've done the healthy stuff and I've done it well. I've learned and grown from the experience and I'm a much better person for it. The next woman I lay hands on will wonder "where has he been all my life?" Is he innocent in this? Why should he, in this triangle, get off scott free? He get's his dick wet and that's it? Who will hold him accountable if not me? You have every right to be angry. You have been betrayed. But as I said before, you are seeking answers where they do not exist. Think about this for a minute. Your wife left to spend time with another man in another state that still lives in his parents house, still sleeps in the bedroom that he grew up in. What a winner he must be. His parents must be screwed in the head to approve of this, and so is he and your wife. Are you seeing the pattern here? Their thinking is screwed in the head. My point is this; you can throw all of yourself, the best of yourself at them all you want but they are not thinking rationally. How can you expect a rational adult response from them/him? In my opinion you are wasting valuable time and resourses that could be more positively spent for you and your child to heal. As you said who will hold him accountable. Karma will hold them both accountable. We all get what is coming to us in one way or another my friend. Think about this for a minute. This OM is with a woman who cheats, for whatever reason. And he is ok with being with a cheater. This will always be in the back of his mind and her's as well, can I trust this person? I highly doubt that this relationship will last because it's foundation is built upon deciet and lies. Do yourself and your child a favor no matter how hard it may be, be the better man and let it all go. I'm not saying forget or take her back. Live with what you know and grow from this. Let go of your hate toward this OM and laugh because because he sounds like a total loser. Anyone can get their dick wet, anyone. That's just sex and you know it. This is not love, this is not a lifetime relationship built upon trust. Your wife screwed you over and you need to focus your attention toward her and all legalities involved.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Unrelated question, Sprig - is that you in your avatar? Yes. Nothing to hide here. Real human being, complete, complex and imperfect.
JustJoe Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 For your info, Sprig. I was the one who forced D-Day on my MW and her husband, (to force her to choose) who was too much of a doormat, to confront his own wife. I was the one who ended the affair (she is still messaging me to take her back) so go ahead and make your little passive-agressive comments on MY morals. If YOU had read any of MY posts on other threads, you would know this. But by all means, blame me. I can take it. I said it before, if the Iraqis and Taliban can't kill me, I'm not too worried about peoples comments. I'm perfectly willing to help anyone, I don't have to be bad-mouthed, to do so.
califnan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Through my numerous posts on here. (unanswered) .. I would say that there was a possibility that you shut yourself down to your wife .. and without recognizing her? You are all too anxious to communicate with the other man though?
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Obviously, we are all wired differently. Apparently, I was mistaken when I suggested the above. I'm sorry. So, expressing anger equals self respect? In spite of it being counter to my desired end?
Jeff1962 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 You are all too anxious to communicate with the other man though? My thoughts as well. Dude, you do look a tad gay in your pic. Sorry to be so blunt but was the first thing I thought the first time I saw it. Go ahead and call me an ass**le.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Through my numerous posts on here. (unanswered) .. I would say that there was a possibility that you shut yourself down to your wife .. and without recognizing her? You are all too anxious to communicate with the other man though? You are absolutely right. That is where I failed, for several years. I was a very poor communicator. I neglected her both physically and emotionally and in response she did the same toward me, and my only excuse is ignorance. I've tried to learn, grow and change myself since I "woke up" to my failure on January 7th. Because of the length of time since my wife "left me" emotionally (two years, as it happens) and her decision to have an affair--she has given me no opportunity to put into practice with her what I have been trying to learn. In spite of six of my best attempts at conversation with her since Jan. 7th, I've been unable to get through to her--it's simply too late and she is too deep in the fog with the OM. Yes, as the last piece of the puzzle, so to speak, I want to communicate with the OM. I don't expect a response--I hope for one, but I don't expect one.
CarrieT Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Yes. Nothing to hide here. Real human being, complete, complex and imperfect. It helps put a face to the plight. You are obviously a very articulate, intelligent man and based on your photograph (I think you are attractive), when the wounds have healed I do not believe you will have any problem finding a woman who will care for your and cherish you.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 It helps put a face to the plight. You are obviously a very articulate, intelligent man and based on your photograph (I think you are attractive), when the wounds have healed I do not believe you will have any problem finding a woman who will care for your and cherish you. Thank you.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 In spite of six of my best attempts at conversation with her since Jan. 7th, I've been unable to get through to her--it's simply too late and she is too deep in the fog with the OM. Oh, and my "best attempts" were not very good I fear. Putting ideas and instructions into practice takes practice.
CarrieT Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Oh, and my "best attempts" were not very good I fear. Putting ideas and instructions into practice takes practice. You might very well have known deep within that you had already emotionally checked out as well. There is that point of trying to save face or feel better about wanting to TRY, versus not trying at all. If you had really wanted to fix things, you might have realized the failings earlier and started the attempts to fix it all sooner. Don't beat yourself up too much.
Church Bells Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 So, expressing anger equals self respect? In spite of it being counter to my desired end? Last things first ... I have no idea what your "desired end" might be ... you speak of confrontation, but to my way of thinking ... sending an email IS NOT "confronting" anyone. Regarding your first question ... where did I ever suggest getting angry? What I was suggesting was simply standing up for yourself to OM by actually "confronting" him, which is what the title of this thread suggests you want to do. However, when I read your response: If I give in to anger, I've lost. Besides, he IS a Marine, so he knows what to do with anger that comes his way. I'm trying to open his eyes a bit. Anger just raises defenses. ... is see FEAR of confrontation, and IMHO FEAR of OM does NOT equal self-respect. The email you sent was not a confrontation, but an attempt to "shame" OM by having him face his actions, which will come off as weak and laughable to someone who lives in world that is sooooo dysfunctional that it is acceptable to OM and his parents for him to bring a MARRIED WOMAN WITH CHILDREN into their home for an adulterous 2 week romp.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 She IS a good mother. well, you have your way of looking at it. All I know is I wouldn't consider myself a good father if I ran off for 2 weeks away from my kids so I could go get a cheap piece. that and the woman I'd be cheating on in that fictitious scenario would be babysitting my kids so I could go get laid. I just wouldn't consider myself a good father if I was to do something like that.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 ------------------ I am in agreement with you that a child needs his mother ...Both parents. And should not be made a tug of war .. that is showing Love for him.. But forgive me for not reading through the posts .. Is she now in a diff state? In Calif - law is both parents must reside in same state. Will you only be visiting him ? thats another point. if she ends up being out of state, and taking the kids with her, thats just damn despicable. there should be laws against it and only allowed if the parent that doesn't have custody agrees that their kids be moved too far away from them. there again, even though I can't stand my kid's unscrupulous mother, I wouldn't consider myself a good father by denying them proximity to her.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Would this not have been the ADULT and HONEST thing to do? It IS the moral and honest thing to do to turn away a married woman, to respect the marriage above your OWN SELFISH DESIRES. You didn't do that. That is immoral and dishonest. It's very simple. You know you did the wrong thing. Really, no responsibility for your actions at all? bah, pay no mind to the POS. there are people like this in the world. self-centered, doesn't give a sh#t about anyone but themselves. you just concentrate on a life without someone who isn't worth a squirt
Dexter Morgan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It will only add to the power of his conquest exactly, sprig, don't waste your time on this OM. Think of it this way, besides not being with your kids every day, the OM did you a favor.....I'm always appreciative when someone else takes out the trash. Funny story here, I didn't have any desire to contact the other man, and if I did, I wanted to tell him that I want to buy him a beer and say thanks. But it was the OM that contacted me because I didn't give him any attention. I suspect he was much like JJ...and egomaniac. And the fact that I had better things to do, I guess the OM couldn't handle the fact that I found him so insignificant. So he contacted me. Thats when I told him I'll gladly take him out for a beer. You should have seen the puzzled, stupid look on his face. Then after I told him why I wanted to buy him a beer (the fact that the cheating huss is now all his and no longer my problem), word has it from fair-weather friends of hers that he went back inside and yelled at her for a good couple hours because if she can cheat on me, she could very well end up doing it to him....gee, took a while for that light bulb to come on.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 My thoughts as well. Dude, you do look a tad gay in your pic. Sorry to be so blunt but was the first thing I thought the first time I saw it. Go ahead and call me an ass**le. WTF? This is out of control.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It doesn't work like that. Making it with a married woman fed my ego. Had I received such a letter, it would have went into my trophy case. There are several ways to confront the OM, such as through work and putting his career or marriage in jeapordy. However in your case about the only effective way to confront an OM is with a baseball bat, several well aimed shots make him ineffective. But this is violence, and you could end up serving time. Not good for you or for your kids.
Author spriggig Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Talk to him like one MAN talks to another one that has WRONGED him. I think this is where I got the idea that you meant an angry confrontation. I suppose this says more about me than it does about you. I still think my approach is better.
Recommended Posts