Jeff1962 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 He lives in another state and has been carrying on LDR with my wife for 10 months. She left me and her 11 year old son behind for two weeks in February to meet him in person and have sex. Our marriage is now over, divorce proceedings have begun. I'm thinking of sending the OM an email with pictures of the family he helped destroy? It would be along the lines of "When you gained her trust and had her ear you could have chosen the honorable path (he's a marine) and counseled her to return to her husband and try to work things out. Instead you chose the selfish path. Take a look at what you had a hand in destroying." <pictures of our happy family> Sprigg. I am a former Marine with three tours under my boots. Honor as a Marine has nothing to do with your situation. This has all to do with OM's character as a person and your wife's. Remember as well that there were two people involved. I'm torn as to any advice that I could forward your way to solidify your stance in this situation. What you are considering now is personal retribution. Bottom line is, this retribution does not exist that can fix this or make it right. You want this man to see what he has helped to destroy, I do not think this is healthy because you are seeking answers in places that they do not exist. You must realize that on your wife's part, where there used to be a bond between the two of you was already destroyed before the affair. You have to face the fact that your wife gave to another man what should have only been given to you, her heart, mind and body. In all honesty, I think your time would be better spent trying to figure out exactly why your marriage broke down and trying to fix yourself and move forward with your life. Good luck. Jett.
xxoo Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I want my pound of flesh. I want to hear him squirm like the worm he is. I like the idea of calling him. I don't want to passively wait for reality to hit them. I want them to be slapped aside the head with it in bright, glowing technicolor. The problem is, he very well might not give you the satisfaction. His reponse to your confrontation may be laughter, dismissal, or boredom. Consider the character of the person we are talking about here. You might get a satisfying reaction, but it is unlikely. Any contact you have will open you up to return contact, which may make you feel even worse than you do now. That's my concern for you.
John Who Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I think you should do it,if this is what you feel you need to do go for it. It is about YOU now,why hold back,he or your W did not hold back and care how it would effect you and your son. People heal differently,so I stand behind you and say go for it.
califnan Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 And to add to last poster: If you wish for her to be sorrowful (if she regrets, he will) ... Make the very best life you can for yourself and your son .. You Can.
califnan Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 correction: And to add to Jeff 1962 comments: If you wish for her to be sorrowful (if she regrets, he will) ... Make the very best life you can for yourself and your son .. You Can..
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Sprigg. I am a former Marine with three tours under my boots. Honor as a Marine has nothing to do with your situation. This has all to do with OM's character as a person and your wife's. Remember as well that there were two people involved. I'm torn as to any advice that I could forward your way to solidify your stance in this situation. What you are considering now is personal retribution. Bottom line is, this retribution does not exist that can fix this or make it right. You want this man to see what he has helped to destroy, I do not think this is healthy because you are seeking answers in places that they do not exist. You must realize that on your wife's part, where there used to be a bond between the two of you was already destroyed before the affair. You have to face the fact that your wife gave to another man what should have only been given to you, her heart, mind and body. In all honesty, I think your time would be better spent trying to figure out exactly why your marriage broke down and trying to fix yourself and move forward with your life. Good luck. Jett. Thank you. OK, not honor. How about just being a decent human being? Yes, I'm seeking retribution and, I'll admit I wouldn't mind harming their relationship if that happens. It's angry, bitter and dirty. And, very human. Would I be an indecent human for confronting him, for attempting to hold him accountable where no one else will? I don't think so. I've spent 10 weeks figuring out why our marriage broke down and I've taken full responsibility for my half here in this public forum and privately with my wife. I've faced the guilt and forgiven myself. Should she be willing to take responsibility for her half, face the guilt and forgive me, I would be able to forgive her. That's not going to happen, in spite of my hope against odds. I've done the healthy stuff and I've done it well. I've learned and grown from the experience and I'm a much better person for it. The next woman I lay hands on will wonder "where has he been all my life?" Is he innocent in this? Why should he, in this triangle, get off scott free? He get's his dick wet and that's it? Who will hold him accountable if not me?
Snowflower Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Who will hold him accountable if not me? I don't remember...is/was the OM married or in a relationship? If so, his SO will hold him accountable-if she knows about the A he had with your wife.
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 I have mixed feelings on this. And here's why: I don't care about your WS. I don't care about the OM. What counts here is YOU. What if you don't get the reaction you desire? What IS the reaction you desire? tears? arguements? And what happens after this is over? Will it be enough? Will it help you heal? I'd say to look at all the possible outcomes (he's a jerk about it, he's contrite about it, on and on..) and think about how you'd feel about each of these outcomes. If you think any or all of these will help you move on, go for it. I'm just afraid you won't get the reaction you desire, and then what? More anger and bitterness? I'll be fine with whatever happens. I'd be fine if he ignored me completely. I want to make an attempt to hold accountable the person in these situations that so often just walks away at the end. More anger and bitterness? Maybe, but it would be a drop in a bucket.
bestplayer Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 He lives in another state and has been carrying on LDR with my wife for 10 months. She left me and her 11 year old son behind for two weeks in February to meet him in person and have sex. Our marriage is now over, divorce proceedings have begun. I'm thinking of sending the OM an email with pictures of the family he helped destroy? It would be along the lines of "When you gained her trust and had her ear you could have chosen the honorable path (he's a marine) and counseled her to return to her husband and try to work things out. Instead you chose the selfish path. Take a look at what you had a hand in destroying." <pictures of our happy family> spriggig , I think u should rather send this mail to ur wife ,because it was ur wife who called this OM to destroy her faimly . I think u should send the picture too , for her to see what she has ruined. I think there is much more that u want to ask & tell her so ur mail should have those questions as well that she might try to avoid .
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 I don't remember...is/was the OM married or in a relationship? If so, his SO will hold him accountable-if she knows about the A he had with your wife. No, he is single, 28 years old and just out of the marines. Living at home with his parents now. Yes, that's right, my 40 year old wife flew across country and spent two weeks in the bedroom where he grew up.
bestplayer Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I understand the other posts saying "the best revenge is a life well lived." I'm probably going to do it anyway. I'm going to send several pictures, so he can see the family he helped bring down. Someone should hold him accountable, and no one else will. spriggig , i think by doing this it will appear that in some way u are trying to minimize ur wife's fault in this by stresisng more on OM actions . Have u confronted ur wife with these questions ? dont let her get away without answering about her actions .
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 spriggig , I think u should rather send this mail to ur wife ,because it was ur wife who called this OM to destroy her faimly . I think u should send the picture too , for her to see what she has ruined. I think there is much more that u want to ask & tell her so ur mail should have those questions as well that she might try to avoid . I've asked, I've talked. She denies until I bring proof then she allows that part but denies the rest until I bring more proof. We did all this. It's done and gone and dead. I've focused on myself and done my best with me. I've focused on my son and have done my best with him. I've focused on my wife and done my best with her. That leaves him.
ADF Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I suggest you resist the urge to confront this man directly. Sending him pictures of your family will not have the result your desire. If he had the capacity to feel regret or remorse, he would never have done what he did. Plus, the more direct contact you have with this man, the more likely it bbecomes that this story will have a tragic ending. I know you're not thinking along those lines, but it happens.
onedayatatyme Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 No, he is single, 28 years old and just out of the marines. Living at home with his parents now. Yes, that's right, my 40 year old wife flew across country and spent two weeks in the bedroom where he grew up. Sickenning isn't it? My wife (29 next week) had her A with a 20 year old college punk. The sad thing for her is I think she thinks he's really into her. What 20 year old is going to be interested in a 29 year old divorcee with two kids for the long haul? Hello!!! I think she thinks they were starting to have genuine feelings for each other. Sad really.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Spriggig: I see nothing wrong with venting your spleen in some way. I wouldn't promise that it'll make you feel better, but it probably won't make you feel worse. After XW and I split, I sent OM#1 (the worst offender) a pretty nasty letter, for exactly that purpose. If you want to read it, go to my profile, select "threads started by rd1" and go to the very first one, back in December 2003. Through mutual acquaintances, I learned that he did in fact receive it. Never heard a peep from him in response, which is fine -- getting a response wasn't the point. I don't regret having sent it, and I doubt I ever will.
bestplayer Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I suggest you resist the urge to confront this man directly. Sending him pictures of your family will not have the result your desire. If he had the capacity to feel regret or remorse, he would never have done what he did. Plus, the more direct contact you have with this man, the more likely it bbecomes that this story will have a tragic ending. I know you're not thinking along those lines, but it happens. completely agree
Spark1111 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I've asked, I've talked. She denies until I bring proof then she allows that part but denies the rest until I bring more proof. We did all this. It's done and gone and dead. I've focused on myself and done my best with me. I've focused on my son and have done my best with him. I've focused on my wife and done my best with her. That leaves him. Do IT! Just do it! But remember this: you may not get the reaction from him you are hoping for. You have most likely been minimized, omitted or spun to be the bad guy from the woman he is now in love with. Take the high road when you talk to him. Tell him how much you loved your wife and family and are at a total loss as to why you woke up one day and she was gone. Be kind to him...I know a real surprise! Surprise him with what a good guy you are, and assume he is too. He very well might be! Remember, he knows nothing about you but probably doesn't think too highly of you. Surprise him. Then send the pics. And then....expect nothing to change but maybe the rememberance that you were the better man in all this. Good luck.
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Spriggig: I see nothing wrong with venting your spleen in some way. I wouldn't promise that it'll make you feel better, but it probably won't make you feel worse. After XW and I split, I sent OM#1 (the worst offender) a pretty nasty letter, for exactly that purpose. If you want to read it, go to my profile, select "threads started by rd1" and go to the very first one, back in December 2003. Through mutual acquaintances, I learned that he did in fact receive it. Never heard a peep from him in response, which is fine -- getting a response wasn't the point. I don't regret having sent it, and I doubt I ever will. Thanks, read it and really enjoyed it. I put the most weight in the opinions of those who have done it.
ladydesigner Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 No, he is single, 28 years old and just out of the marines. Living at home with his parents now. Yes, that's right, my 40 year old wife flew across country and spent two weeks in the bedroom where he grew up. Wow that was done in really bad taste. What are this young man's parents thinking? Seriously a married woman with a her own child, came to see their son to sleep with him. I am appalled. Sorry I am. His parents should have put their foot down.
Snowflower Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 No, he is single, 28 years old and just out of the marines. Living at home with his parents now. Yes, that's right, my 40 year old wife flew across country and spent two weeks in the bedroom where he grew up. Oh yuck. I think the most difficult thing to work through is why in the heck someone (your spouse)who you had spent so much time with, knew so well and loved so much could do such a crazy, awful thing.
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 ...And then....expect nothing to change but maybe the rememberance that you were the better man in all this. Good luck. Right, because his response will be the same as JustJoe's on the first page. "I'm just the guy she did it with."
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) Oh yuck. I think the most difficult thing to work through is why in the heck someone (your spouse)who you had spent so much time with, knew so well and loved so much could do such a crazy, awful thing. It's very important to me that a balanced view be given, especially since my wife isn't here to defend herself. This is my thread on the whole sordid mess where I confess my sins and take the wrath of Gunny. Thanks Gunny! What it comes down to is that I neglected her as a wife and lover for 10 years. With my only excuse being ignorance. And for her part, she confronted me not even once with how bad she was hurting. Gunny gets this, the same thing happened to him. Edited March 25, 2010 by spriggig
Snowflower Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's very important to me that a balanced view be given, especially since my wife isn't here to defend herself. This is my thread on the whole sordid mess where I confess my sins and take the wrath of Gunny. Thanks Gunny! What it comes down to is that I neglected her as a wife and lover for 10 years. With my only excuse being ignorance. And for her part, she confronted me not even once with how bad she was hurting. Gunny gets this, the same thing happened to him. I apologize if it appeared that I was disparaging your wife. That was certainly not my intent. I was commiserating with you because I was also betrayed by my spouse. I know how awful it feels. I remember having to stick up for my husband when I first posted here. Despite what he had done, he was still a good person and I hated what was being posted about him on my thread.
ladydesigner Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's very important to me that a balanced view be given, especially since my wife isn't here to defend herself. This is my thread on the whole sordid mess where I confess my sins and take the wrath of Gunny. Thanks Gunny! What it comes down to is that I neglected her as a wife and lover for 10 years. With my only excuse being ignorance. And for her part, she confronted me not even once with how bad she was hurting. Gunny gets this, the same thing happened to him. I apologize for my last comment as well. It's just when I read it...ugghhh I agree both people are to bame for a marriage derailing. I know both my H and I are guilty of this. We have both committed infidelity, him first and then me (a RA). Not a pretty picture. These things are not easy. I hope that you can process this with the best of your intentions and heal quickly.
Author spriggig Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 I apologize if it appeared that I was disparaging your wife. That was certainly not my intent. I was commiserating with you because I was also betrayed by my spouse. I know how awful it feels. I remember having to stick up for my husband when I first posted here. Despite what he had done, he was still a good person and I hated what was being posted about him on my thread. No worries. I'm glad you understand my motivation, thank you. It's hard to remember sometimes that we are dealing with very real people here when the stories are reduced to a few words typed onto a screen. That's why I chose to use a real picture of me as my avatar.
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