GrayClouds Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) It is that sense of loss we so desperately want to erase; a loss emanated by external events; a break up. Instinctively we look externally for the solution; get the EX back, find a new replacement, turn to drink or drugs to numb or something worst. Though that sense of loss is internal and only by looking internally will the solution be found. While immediate hurt is real grief, likely that sense of loss was generated years before this last relationship. The break up only exposed it once again; a father who was alcoholic, a mother who was too absorb in their own depression, family experience of divorce, abuse, indifference or simply a seemly small experience of rejection that had profound impact on a thoughtful but tender mind. In fact it likely was a reason the relationship did not work. For it could not satisfy that loss no matter how hard either partner tried. The relationship was just a lovely distraction from some deep seated hurt. That very individual, but shared sense of loss as what makes us human, we all have some and we all are trying to fill it. As children we look externally for the outside world to offer us solutions, to feed us, to shelter us, to give us love. As we grow up we increasingly take on the responsibility to care for ourselves; we find ways to achieve our own basic needs. We call ourselves adults. Though we have not reached true self-reliance, true maturity, for we still look look external to feel that one need; love. We reach out for it, we make relationships and when they not work it reinforces the loss we been trying to ignore. And then we have a questions to ask, "Is there a way to internally take care of this basic need too?" "Can I feel loved while being alone?" This is where the hard work starts, the growth begins...for those who have the courage. Understanding where that real hurt began, facing it and finding a way to address it in healthy and productive way. As we do we be stronger, we can choose to enter relationship are not there to distract us from ourselves but that foster growth and encourages us to achieve our best. We become less dependent, more self-reliant, and improve our ability to have successful relationships. We are all works in progress, how far we progress is up to us. It is hard and I am tired. . (4 limbo21) Edited March 25, 2010 by GrayClouds
supersub Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It is that sense of loss we so desperately want to erase; a loss emanated by external events; a break up. Instinctively we look externally for the solution; get the EX back, find a new replacement, turn to drink or drugs to numb. Though that sense of loss is internal and only by looking internally will the solution be found. While immediate hurt is real grief, likely that sense of loss was generated years before this last relationship. The break up only exposed it once again; a father who was alcoholic, a mother who was too absorb in their own depression, family experience of divorce, abuse, indifference or simply a seemly small experience of rejection that had profound impact on a thoughtful but tender mind. In fact it likely was a reason the relationship did not work. For it could not satisfy that loss no matter how hard either partner tried. The relationship was just a lovely distraction from some deep seated hurt. That very individual, but shared sense of loss as what makes us human, we all have some and we all are trying to fill it. As children we look externally for the outside world to offer us solutions, to feed us, to shelter us, to give us love. As we grow up we increasingly take on the responsibility to care for ourselves; we find ways to achieve our own basic needs. We call ourselves adults. Though we have not reached true self-reliance, true maturity, for we still look look external to feel that one need; love. We reach out for it, we make relationships and when they not work it reinforces the loss we been trying to ignore. And then we have a questions to ask, "Is there a way to internally take care of this basic need too?" "Can I feel loved while being alone?" This is where the hard work starts, the growth begins...for those who have the courage. Understanding where that real hurt began, facing it and finding a way to address it in healthy and productive way. As we do we be stronger, we can choose to enter relationship are not there to distract us from ourselves but that foster growth and encourages us to achieve our best. We become less dependent, more self-reliant, and improve our ability to have successful relationships. We are all works in progress, how far we progress is up to us. It is hard and I am tired. . (4 limbo21) GrayClouds this is absolutely spot on. We look outside to get answers when really we should be looking to ourselves, we just have to realize that we all have the power. In fact our sense of loss is actually our bodies telling us that we DO need to look to ourselves to heal. When you talk to your friends and family they will not be able to offer the solution because only you alone can do that. I think that's why I'm spending limited time with Friends and family because to be honest I have to work on myself. I think you have to be by yourself for sometime to heal and get your bearings and then get back in the game. I don't believe that that people who immediately change their life after a breakup without really healing by themselves are actually healing. I think they are burying. Would you agree? Great post by the way!
Odyssey Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 ...but eventually we all have to take a look in the mirror sometime.
paleblue Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It is that sense of loss we so desperately want to erase; a loss emanated by external events; a break up. Though that sense of loss is internal and only by looking internally will the solution be found. While immediate hurt is real grief, likely that sense of loss was generated years before this last relationship. The break up only exposed it once again; And then we have a questions to ask, "Is there a way to internally take care of this basic need too?" As we do we be stronger, nice i have been thinking about something similiar lately.. the internal... if you think about it, what hurts? not your arms, or legs, or body, just something in your head. which affects the rest of you. and if you narrow it down even farther to just that part of your brain that is causing alllll that grief, we are talking about what? a little piece about the size of what? a sugar cube? an ice cube?? , making you feel all that?? doesnt really sound like a lot does it? but yet it affects us profoundly. how do we get over ourself?
zebracolors Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 What if one never knows why they loose someone, even when things seemed just fine? (Such as the case with me) I can hypothesize all I want but I may never know the truth. And kind of making it hard for me to move on in my mind, because in the back of my mind I'm still always wondering "what ifs" and remembering things I used to do with him. It doesn't hurt so bad anymore but I feel like its going to leave a hole there, probably from the lack of closure. So my sense of loss right now has to be not knowing why.
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