Superdude87 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I had a pretty rough upbringing and even tho I'm living my life the best I can and am on the right path to being a successful person, I feel like I hold this baggage that causes anxiety about me attracting people whom I consider to be a high caliber. What I mean is that I come from a crazy family situation. My parents separated when I was 13, I lived with my dad until he passed away 6 years later (I was 19). I was forced out on my own to pay bills, grow up and pretty much get my **** together overnight. My mom is an alcoholic whom I love dearly but I can't live with her and she is financially unstable. My older brother is slightly mentally handicapped and attempted bank robbery last year. Now, he's on probation for 5 years and lives with me and my roommate as I attempt to "take of him" and await his social security benefits so he can contribute to the household. He can't live with my mom because he cannot live with a felon (my mom's BF has a DUI on his record). I'm just a starving, struggling college student trying to work and go to school to break the mold of the craziness of my family. I have my head on straight, eyes on my goals, and have the drive to make it happen. It's just frustrating because I barely had a father figure growing up and especially now I have no one. I'm 22, almost 23. When I end up buying a house in a few years, I have no idea where to start. I have no one to help me do "father and son" things, work on cars, fix stuff around the house, etc... It sucks because the girls I end up meeting and dating are great people and beautiful, but I feel like I have little to offer to someone as far as experience goes in areas that most guys do. I have a great personality and consider myself pretty good looking (attractive women are pretty consistently drawn to me, I get approached often...not bragging, just saying). It's like, I don't want to lower to standards and be with someone who can put up with my inadequacies but it's difficult to carry this baggage. And also most girls I date come from wealthy, somewhat normal families. I know all families have baggage and aren't normal, but mine is just so far out in left field anything resembling a normal family seems so much more appealing than mine. Am I overreacting? Does this stuff just kinda come with time? As a person and boyfriend, I am loyal, loving, and would bend over backwards for whoever I'm with. It just seems like that when all that is over and it's time to get down to business and start a life together (ie: house, family) I just feel like I'd be in way over my head and wouldn't know what to do. Is this NORMAL?? Sorry for the rant, hope it made sense! Thanks!
boogieboy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Did any of these women that youre dating point out these inadequacies to you? Because if they didnt, then they wont care, so you dont need to worry about it. If you want to learn to do manly things that fathers taught their sons, you have to get manly friends. They will be glad to show you.
CarrieT Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 You are basing who you are on who raised you and not who YOU are as a person. Girls don't care as much about that as much as who you are and how you present yourself and a whole package. The fact that you were forced to care for yourself at a tender age is going to serve you well as you continue to age and that alone will be very attractive to a lot of women. The fact that you are struggling to complete college and better yourself despite your upbringing speaks volumes and makes you a much more attractive and desirable person than those guys you are comparing yourself to who have been handed everything. You are not giving yourself enough credit for those things you already know how to do (pay bills) and when it comes to having a family and home, it will come more naturally to you and you will probably be a better husband because you will avoid those pitfalls you witnessed in your family. I think when you get over your insecurities, you will be a great catch!
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Short, blunt and to the point: We all have baggage. It only becomes a problem when we don't realise we can put it down. Carrying it is our choice. If you keep using your baggage as an excuse or hurdle to your own stability and happiness, then it will always be an excuse or hurdle to your own stability and happiness. The more you keep telling yourself - and others - that "I can't help it, because *this, that and the other* happened", then you are never going to get anywhere. you need to change your Mind-set and perception. "I don't care if *this that and the other* happened. I'm my own person, I'm making good and I'm not going to let any of it hold me back. It's in the past. remember that wonderful saying: "The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past." Accept you had a ****ty upbringing. Accept that your parents weren't perfect, and still aren't. Accept that your brother is the way he is, because it's the way he is. And accept that even though you have baggage, it's not either required or needed on voyage. Leave it in Left luggage, and walk away. Simple. ('Simple' doesn't mean 'easy'. But It really IS simple.)
Eve Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Yeah I had it hard too .. Keep going, you are doing a great job! Not having support from people who are supposed to affirm you in this way can be a problem. However in my situation I grew to stop telling my story in a negative way to others because really, its in the past. I stopped looking at current problems as being a result of things lacking and relied on my strengths moreso. More than anything else, I let the past die and learned to ask for help when I needed it rather than try and do things on my own all the time. You sound as though you have a bright future ahead.. keep going! Your resourcefulness has bought you this far and can carry you further. Take care, Eve xx
jthorne Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 . "The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past." Thank you for this. I may have to add it to my signature.
Author Superdude87 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Yeah thanks for the advice you guys. I do have one pretty manly friend, in fact yesterday we went out fishing and it had been 10 years since I'd done it so it was a bit of a refresher to say the least. He taught me up tho haha. My mom's BF is an auto mechanic so obviously if I need car stuff he is always there to teach me. Maybe I am a little too rough on myself, and I know deep down the kind of person I am speaks louder than what I know how to do/how I was brought up.
Eve Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Yeah thanks for the advice you guys. I do have one pretty manly friend, in fact yesterday we went out fishing and it had been 10 years since I'd done it so it was a bit of a refresher to say the least. He taught me up tho haha. My mom's BF is an auto mechanic so obviously if I need car stuff he is always there to teach me. Maybe I am a little too rough on myself, and I know deep down the kind of person I am speaks louder than what I know how to do/how I was brought up. Glad that you have these two men in your life. Moreso I am glad that you respect them. As long as you can mostly see that you are being a bit rough on yourself, you will be ok! Remember that everyone has periods like this but in different forms and for different reasons. H'mmm, not having a steady stream of affirmations from others at key points in your life could have distorted how you perceive yourself in some ways. Even maybe how you sort of 'check in' with yourself ... but overall (I think) the key is to treat yourself well now. Anyhow, you say that those who you date seem to like you and by the sounds of things you have a lot of choice in who you date.. Yes, seeing other more stable families can be a bit of an eye opener .. but remember that you dont have to be vulnerable anymore. Well done you! Take care, Eve xx
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