phoenix1 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I am new to the dating scene after several years, and have never been great at it. I have a hard time figuring out if someone actually is interested in me, or just been nice in a just friendly way. I am on a neighborhood committee with this man, and he always makes a point of talking with me, saying hello and goodbye, good eye contact, sits with me, and he is kinda touchy-feely ( not in a creepy way). I have acted interested, ask questions about him, he should know I'm interested. Also how do I know if he is married or has a gf, do I just ask him? I would ask him out, but I really feel like men like to pursue especially in that first move. Although if he doesn't make a move soon.....I'm thinking of just casually saying, "hey, you want to get something to eat" after our meeting. Opinions? Advice? Guidance? If this appears twice - sorry- I just tried to post it, and it disappeared.
DustySaltus Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Define "touchy-feely". How long have you known him now? Why do you think he hasn't asked you out? It doesn't seem like he's shy but he may have a GF. I'm assuming he doesn't wear a wedding ring. He may just not be interested as well.
carhill Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) OP, how 'is' he with the other women on the neighborhood committee or at other moments of social contact? Presuming you and he are not 'youngsters', he knows how to properly approach a lady romantically if he's interested. Tip: When making 'small talk', be sure to make 'I' statements when talking about your life and times. For example, a nice nurse I met at my mom's facility often talks about what she and 'my' (meaning her) children are doing and 'I' am going here or doing this. This sends a signal to a man that she's perhaps not attached. Aggressive men don't care; they're just direct, but, if this guy is more circumspect, and that kind of style is more compatible with your own (IDK), then send signals of availability in your words and actions. If that doesn't sufficiently interest him, then accept that. I'm not the most aggressive man (romantically), but I have no problem asking out a woman who shows 1. availability and 2. interest. I'm always interested in others and a woman showing interest in me (my life and times) is an essential element of compatibility. I ended a recent dating experience with a lady simply because I didn't get that sense of interest. Of course, you can always ask him out yourself. Personally, I would advise against it, but, with certain men, it can work. Oh, regarding W or GF, I wouldn't worry about that. Men lie, but time reveals all truths. You'll know pretty quickly by his actions if you show availability. Enjoy Edited March 25, 2010 by carhill
Author phoenix1 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 @dustysaltus, touchy-feely, like you know touching my arm, hand on my shoulder, even hand on my hip, when he was kind of walking behind me, stuff like that. I think I will see how he is with other woman, if he's like that with everyone, then, well it means nothing. If he's not.... He's not very aggressive, which is the type I usually end up with and am trying to avoid. But I agree, I think I need to leave the ball in his court. And no, no wedding ring, no reference to anyone else. One thing is, when we see each other, and it's not very often, there are always others around it seems..I'm thinking maybe that is a deterrent, I mean who wants to get shot down in front of others. Ii need to get him off to the side?
marsle85 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 You need to let him be doing all the plans. You make yourself available and let him do the work. It empowers him, and he'll grow to like it. Just be sweet, open and flirtatious. Do NOT ask him out though. Do not ask him to be alone. Let him struggle a little.
ADF Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Unless they have ego gratification issues, men hate this pusuit nonsense. Just hate it. Asking is a good way to find out what his relationship status is, and it can't be that hard to slip into casual conversation. The fact is, men almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. Chances are, you and he are thinking along similar lines.
Author phoenix1 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks you guys, because although I am a progressive, assertive woman, when it comes to this stuff - I think men like to do the pursuing and asking, and I want them too. A few people have said to me "Oh just ask him out", but no! Thanks for being old fashioned with me. Guess I just have to continue to be sweet and patient, funny it sounds so Victorian, lol.
Fouts Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 From what you've described, I'm guessing he's probably involved with someone else, married or LTR, but finds you attractive and interesting.
DustySaltus Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 You need to let him be doing all the plans. You make yourself available and let him do the work. It empowers him, and he'll grow to like it. Just be sweet, open and flirtatious. Do NOT ask him out though. Do not ask him to be alone. Let him struggle a little. And if he invites you to dinner at his place, decline at this point.
boogieboy Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 He's probably just as afraid of you as you are of him. He is just as afraid of rejection as you are, but nothing will happen here if you dont make a move. You need to either make a move, or flirt a whole lot and make it completely obvious that you want him to ask you out. You know how to indirectly ask if he has a gf. Think about it. BTW guys dont like the chase, we like it somewhat easy. If you sit back and do nothing with this guy, you will get nothing.
Author phoenix1 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 OK, so we meet again, and after he asks me if I want to go get something to eat. I say yes, and since it was so casual, I kinda thought we would just hit the close by coffee shop or something. Turns out he wants to go somewhere nice, and we do, have a good conversation, and he insists on paying. He then walks me to my car, and we hug only, and both say how we enjoyed getting together, should do this again etc. We know we will see each other from now on every two weeks. No numbers exchanged, and I would think, oh he doesn't really like me, but there is a couple of things. He is recently divorced, not even a year, and it sounds like maybe she cheated on him. He was vague, he did divorce her, and my women's intuition says...she did something ****ty. He says he doesn't get out much. He is kind of shy, sweet, but not aggressive at all, kinda sweetly dorky. After all the arrogant a**holes, I have known, it's kind of nice. I think we were both kinda nervous when we said goodbye. We both have been kind of off the dating scene for awhile. Since we know we will see each other more often now it kind of takes the pressure off of having to set up another date right away. So, slow mover? not into me? just friends? I swear I can't tell. Opinions?
Ruby Slippers Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I think he likes you. I also think it's smart and sensible that he is taking things slow and just getting to know you, given that his divorce is fairly recent. Let him set the pace, and take your time. If you do that, you have the greatest likelihood of success, no matter what.
D-Lish Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I agree that he likes you. It's good you waited for him to ask you out. Unfortunately, in the early stages, it takes time to figure these questions out. It's about remaining patient at this point. Just relax and enjoy getting to know him. He's already set the pace, letting you know he's willing to take the lead- so let that continue.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I would ask him out, but I really feel like men like to pursue especially in that first move. Although if he doesn't make a move soon.....I'm thinking of just casually saying, "hey, you want to get something to eat" after our meeting. For heaven's sake, dooooooooooooooooooooo exactly that !!! (he would likely respond with info of having a g/f or wife IF that were the case) Make it a casual invite, and at least open the door to possibilities.
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