She lied to me but I'm a pansy...

[MalachiX]

I'm very frustrated with myself right now. I guess I'm trying to maintain my whole "nice-guy" sensability but it's causing me to behave stupidly.

 

About a month and a half ago I started to date this girl. I got fixed up with her by an older friend of mine (lets call him J) because who is dating her mother. I had also met her mother a few times because she's in an acting group who I've used as extras in a film of mine.

 

I never really intended this to be a long-term thing. The girl has a kid, a baby actually (and I have no interest in being a Dad at this point in my life), and even if she didn't I don't think we'd last long as a couple. Still, it was nice at first just to go out again and date someone who is non-judgmental.

 

I've been considering breaking up with her for a week or two now because I don't see a future and don't want to hurt her. Unfortunately, her mother loves me and all our mutual friends seem SO damn invested in us working as a couple.

 

We hadn't seen each other in about a week (I was out of town) and I've been trying to lessen our time together since I'm thinking of ending the relationship. I didn't want to do it so soon after we started sleeping together since I my last GF told me she thought I didn't respect her because we slept together rather soon (even though we ended up staying togehter for almost three years). So, I felt guiltly last night about not calling her for a while so i thought I'd ask if she wanted to hang out and watch a movie. She texted me back that she was exhausted and was probably going to go to bed.

 

The next day I had dinner with my friend who is dating her mother and he asked "how was the movie?" I told him we hadn't gone out and, since he's older and prone to forget things, I just figured it was his mistake. Later on, I decided I'd swing by her place and drop off a DVD I had of hers. I figured I'd rather not still have anything of hers when we broke up.

 

Upon getting there, I found her with an old female friend of hers from highschool. She seemed tense and, after a few minutes, told me she knew that I knew she had lied last night. She explained that the friend had come into town and wanted to go out and she had told her mother she was with me so her mother would babysit since, once again, her Mom likes me (I hate that...). She apologized repeatedly and asked how mad I was.

 

Now, I'm aware I should have been mad. I'm aware, I had every right to dump her right then and there. BUT I DIDN'T!!! I hate myself.

 

You see, rather than being mad, I oddly felt relieved that suddenly I wasn't going to be the jerk in the relationship (I know that's stupid). I actually smiled!!! I told her it was OK, and was going to explain it was OK, because I didn't think we should be that serious anymore but it just got stuck in my throat. She and her friend were actually making dinner for her Mom and my friend and I just didn't feel right breaking up with her in such a public way. I just said, "it's OK," again!

 

I had been physching myself up to break up with her and completely blame it on myself. Even though I'm not in love with this girl, I do like her and don't want to hurt her. She's in a lousy situation and I don't want her to feel bad about herself. Even though this was the PERFECT excuse to end it, I just didn't want to end it by blaming her. I wanted to make it my fault so we could be ammicable.

 

I told her I had to run to the gym (which was true) and that I'd rather talk about it when we were alone. I gave her a hug and left.

 

Just reading over what I wrote, it's clear I NEED to break-up with this girl but I'm honestly still trying to find a way to say the words without attacking her. I guess I feel like a fraud since I wanted to break up with her even before she did this. I guess I feel sorry for her and don't mind taking the blame in the relationship. Worst of all, I think I'm so damn invested in being the "nice-guy" even though I'm really not a nice-guy.

 

Anyone have any advice? Is there a way to end it now where she doesn't feel bad about herself and we can be ammicable? Is it possible to do it and remain ammicable with my friend who is dating and will probably marry her mother?

[boogieboy]

If you tell her the truth, she will understand. I think she wont be that hurt, she lied to you about going out. SO go ahead and drop the bomb on her without feeling guilty, she'll be fine with it.

[TaraMaiden]

...You mean "paTsy"

 

A pansy - where I come from - is an effeminate gay boy.....

 

(at least, I hope you mean patsy...)

 

The big problem with always considering the emotions, reactions and feelings of others, is that we steadily become frustrated because our emotions, reactions and feelings become suppressed.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes, being cruel to be kind is the only way.

You cannot be responsible for how she takes this.

You cannot cushion everyone from what happens, and if things aren't right between you, then things aren't right.

I know it's hard, but the only thing you're finding difficult, is finding the voice that says -

"I want to break up with you".

The moment you say it, it will at least be out.

You need to man up.

Because if you permit the possible reactions of others to rule your life, you'll never get anywhere.

Grip your courage, and just blurt it out.

 

 

Then don't go back on it, whatever you do.

Impossible.

things will never be the same, and you will never be happy.

[Jersey Shortie]

Worst of all, I think I'm so damn invested in being the "nice-guy" even though I'm really not a nice-guy.

I agree with that. I think you are more interested in the pretense of being seen as a nice guy then being a good man.

 

All this tug and pull, going "slowly" to break up with her is so silly. Women know when you pull back from them. You would be doing everyone in the situation a favor by making a clean cut then a long drawn out jagged scar.

[MalachiX]

No, I mean pansy because I'm referring to myself as a wimp.

 

And yeah, I know I need to own up and do it. I guess I'll wait until her friend is no longer crashing with her so at least she can avoid some potential embarassment. I just need to find the words...

[ADF]

There is no nice way to break up with somebody. There just isn't. It is a harsh thing to do, and the other person will get hurt. No avoiding that.

 

But ask yourself this: are you really so concerned about hurting her, or are you more concerned about making this as easy as possible on yourself? The kind of avoidance behavior you seem to be exhibiting, this sort of gradual pulling away, is pathetic, cowardly and cruel. Man the @#$% up. Tell her flat out that the relationship is over, and be prepared for her reaction.

[boogieboy]

There is no nice way to break up with somebody. There just isn't. It is a harsh thing to do, and the other person will get hurt. No avoiding that.

 

But ask yourself this: are you really so concerned about hurting her, or are you more concerned about making this as easy as possible on yourself? The kind of avoidance behavior you seem to be exhibiting, this sort of gradual pulling away, is pathetic, cowardly and cruel. Man the @#$% up. Tell her flat out that the relationship is over, and be prepared for her reaction.

 

NICE ADF! You should put this in your sig...I'd steal it, but I dont have any more room.

[MalachiX]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree I'm trying to avoid the difficulty and that's not the best way to go about things.

 

I figured I wouldn't wait any longer and just get it over with so I texted her, "can we talk?" Unfortunatly, she texted back saying she was busy and she's still with her friend who's in town. As much as I'd like to, I'm guessing breaking up via phone is probably not a nice thing so I guess I'll have to wait until she's free. Lets just hope my momentary courage lasts me until then.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm thinking she may not be as invested as you think. After not seeing you for a week, she doesn't seem overly interested in making time for you or wanting her friend to meet you. Seems she might have invited you to spend time with them or have dinner with your friend and her mom.

[O'Malley]

Txsilky nailed it; if she was truly excited about you and seeing where this was heading, she would have made plans with her friend for a different night or invited you along. You're already getting the 'busy' signal here.

 

Since neither of you are truly invested in a future together, you can cleanly break up with her with no devastated feelings on either side.

[MalachiX]

Txsilky nailed it; if she was truly excited about you and seeing where this was heading, she would have made plans with her friend for a different night or invited you along. You're already getting the 'busy' signal here.

 

Since neither of you are truly invested in a future together, you can cleanly break up with her with no devastated feelings on either side.

 

That's good. Now if only she was free soon so I could get it out of the way. How long do I have to wait before I can throw in the towel and break up over the phone? Or is that never OK under any circumstances?

[MalachiX]

Still havn't heard from her from when we can meet up and talk about this. I wanted to take everyone's advice and do it immediately to avoid a long-drawn out thing but twice now she's given an excuse why we can't talk. What do I do at this point?

 

Does it sounds like she's trying to avoid me and perhaps break-up with me through distance? Or, is she avoiding getting together because she sense I will break up with her? I'm really struggling to figure out what the right course of action is.

 

It's also awkward since our mutual friends seem to think everything is fine and are trying to make dinner plans with the two of us soon. Ugh....

[TaraMaiden]

Take up woodwork.

or egg-shell carving.

Or collecting different types of blades of grass.

Anything that involves so much intense concentration, that you forget she exists.

Wipe her off the board, let her drop off your radar and pay no attention.

 

As soon as she realises you really have distanced yourself, she'll make a move.

But don't even ask a friend of a friend who knows a friend of hers, about her.

It will get back to her.

Show complete indifference and shrug it off.

 

And when she does come running back and makes her move -

 

Take up woodwork.

or egg-shell carving.

Or collecting different types of blades of grass.

Anything that involves so much intense concentration, that you forget she exists.

Wipe her off the board, let her drop off your radar and pay no attention.

 

get the message?

 

Best way mate.

[OndaChin]

That's good. Now if only she was free soon so I could get it out of the way. How long do I have to wait before I can throw in the towel and break up over the phone? Or is that never OK under any circumstances?

 

 

What do you think this is??

 

"A Red Carpet Event"??

 

Theres no place or time better then NOW. Hell, I'd suggest that you just cut the girl and CEASE responding to her without further fan-fare. I really don't think she's going to care either way- honestly. She has showed that you and your feelings me squat to her.

 

Ignore and forget this person....

 

Just cut it and save yourself the trouble of silly explanations that she won't care to hear.

[marsle85]

Now's the time. And please JUST BE HONEST WITH HER. This is the deal: A likes B. B doesn't like A.

 

1. A pursues B

2. B doesn't enjoy it

3. B begins ignoring calls/texts/reducing time spent together

4. A still likes B, begins to miss B's attention and in turn- pursues more.

5. B gets more turned off, and drastically ignores

6. A is now hurt, but confused and looking for resolution, pursuit is lingering

7. B continues to ignore

8. A finally confronts B

9. B tells A that B isn't interested

10. A is disappointed, but accepts and isn't confused anymore

11. A leaves B alone

12. B is happy

13. A feels like an idiot and wishes B would have just told A

 

 

All of this could have been resolved if B had told A in step 4 that B wasn't interested. This would have stopped A's pursuit and in the long run, saved some of A's pride and B's patience.

 

Seriously. Just say: "I've enjoyed spending time together, but I don't think we have romantic chemistry."

 

Easy. Done. Polite and considerate.

[MalachiX]

Now's the time. And please JUST BE HONEST WITH HER. This is the deal: A likes B. B doesn't like A.

 

1. A pursues B

2. B doesn't enjoy it

3. B begins ignoring calls/texts/reducing time spent together

4. A still likes B, begins to miss B's attention and in turn- pursues more.

5. B gets more turned off, and drastically ignores

6. A is now hurt, but confused and looking for resolution, pursuit is lingering

7. B continues to ignore

8. A finally confronts B

9. B tells A that B isn't interested

10. A is disappointed, but accepts and isn't confused anymore

11. A leaves B alone

12. B is happy

13. A feels like an idiot and wishes B would have just told A

 

 

All of this could have been resolved if B had told A in step 4 that B wasn't interested. This would have stopped A's pursuit and in the long run, saved some of A's pride and B's patience.

 

I'm seriously confused whether I'm A or B.

 

I wanted to talk and then break-up but she was still staying entertaining this friend from out of town and has never texted me back. Now I'm told by a mutual friend that she has family coming into town for the next several days. Like I said, I very much did want to do the stand-up thing and give us both some closure but he more time passes, the weirder it feels especially when she doesn't seem interested in talking. I don't wanna be a total jerk and, after she's already checked out of the realationship, just say, "by the way, I think we should break up." On the other hand, I don't want to leave anything lingering so she feels that I've been stringing her along.

 

Might I suggest that you and your pal double-team the mom and daughter before you go? Seriously, that's a story to tell the grandkids some day. Don't wanna let that one slip by.

 

On the one hand, I respect lude jokes such as this. On the other hand....EWWW!!! Just EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! We're talking about old wrinkly people in their 50s. We already had an awful moment where me and her realized we were having sex on the same couch that her mother and my friend must have had sex on. For shame.

[TaraMaiden]

Well thanks for that.

This is just about the most insensitive, rude, thoughtless and idiotic thing I've seen for a while. I mean, some people are just dense, but this takes the biscuit.

Do you think there's a cut-off age for sex? What the hell are you thinking??

I'm 53, and have an active sex life. With a partner who's younger than I.

I have also been chatted up quite a few times, and have a very flattering range of admirers....

Jeesh, that's just rude.

think a bit, before opening your yap, young man...

There are well over half of posters on this forum who are probably old enough to be your Mum and Dad, and who also have active sex lives....

 

I used to work in a retirement home, and we'd regularly have retired and elderly people migrating to one another's rooms in the evening...

And why not?

you think physical love is only a pastime for the young?

Think again!

Boy, do you have a lot to learn....!

[Els]

On the one hand, I respect lude jokes such as this. On the other hand....EWWW!!! Just EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! We're talking about old wrinkly people in their 50s. We already had an awful moment where me and her realized we were having sex on the same couch that her mother and my friend must have had sex on. For shame.

 

.....Very, very immature.

 

I do, however, commend you on your intentions to tell the full truth to your girl. Especially face to face.

[MalachiX]

Well thanks for that.

This is just about the most insensitive, rude, thoughtless and idiotic thing I've seen for a while. I mean, some people are just dense, but this takes the biscuit.

Do you think there's a cut-off age for sex? What the hell are you thinking??

I'm 53, and have an active sex life. With a partner who's younger than I.

I have also been chatted up quite a few times, and have a very flattering range of admirers....

Jeesh, that's just rude.

think a bit, before opening your yap, young man...

There are well over half of posters on this forum who are probably old enough to be your Mum and Dad, and who also have active sex lives....

 

I used to work in a retirement home, and we'd regularly have retired and elderly people migrating to one another's rooms in the evening...

And why not?

you think physical love is only a pastime for the young?

Think again!

Boy, do you have a lot to learn....!

 

Seriously? You're actually taking such an obvious light-hearted statement as real? Even when it's in response to someone who suggested I double team the girl with her mother?

 

Tara, why oh why would you let such a silly joke make you upset? Do you think I go nuts every time and older person on this forum makes a joke about people in their 20s not having a clue? This place doesn't have to be filled with all these wars over age, gender, and sexual orientation. We're all here because of trouble we have romantically and are searching for help. I, and others, make jokes in order to add levity to these discussions and often because we're insecure and feel rather ridiculous discussing our personal lives. Please understand that no one on this thread is trying to attack you or people of your age group.

 

Thanks for your advice and I'm eager to hear from anyone else who has an opinion on whether or not I should just distance myself since it appears she is doing that or if it's important we talk.

[TaraMaiden]

I do apologise.

I didn't realise you were being frivolous....

I am preoccupied at the moment and obviously took my eye off the humour-radar.

In my defence (which is probably flimsy) I have actually honestly come across serious and sincere comments such as yours before...

 

And it's sometimes hard to accurately gauge somebody's humour without the emoticons, as this is a black-and-white WYSIWYG medium of communication...

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Your place or mine....? I promise, the sofa's pure and virginal....)

[MalachiX]

Tnerforireyeh, why gotta play like that?