Long One

[Jamie715]

OK, sorry folks this is gonna be a long one, thank you to those of you who get to the end of it, to those who give up at the end of this paragraph, I don't blame you!

 

Firstly you need some back story - My girlfriend left me 3 days before our 2 year anniversary and i was just finishing my first year of 6thform. (for the Americans out there, that make's me 17 at the time almost 18)

 

Bar the first few months (during which time her granddad died, and i always took this into consideration when regards to her emotions) for the whole of our relationship she was always over emotional seemingly harmless stuff that a lot of people wouldn't even think about.

 

E.g - me hanging around with my female friends - which i did very rarely anyway, she still always questioned me about them etc. she always wanted me to tell her secrets about my past, when i didn't she'd get pissy at me.

 

she also never wanted me to hang around with her friends (we all want our space every now and again, i understood that and just left her to it)

 

Whenever I'd need to go comfort one of my friends and it just happens I was ment to be seeing her that day she'd suddenly have something world crushing wrong with her and be super pissed off at me.

 

Whenever I'd get the chance to see my dad and didn't take her. (he's a busy guy)

sometimes he'd ring me short notice so again, I'd have to cancel on her, again she'd get super pissed and not try to see it from my point of view.

 

She was always so dependent on me, every problem she had she would come to me, which I'd never say was a bad thing, its just everything was a problem with her.

every week there'd be something new and drastic in her life and no matter what it was ALWAYS there for her, no matter how silly i thought the reason I'd try my best to help.

 

she did have a bad childhood which attributed to her emotional state and I always tried to take that into consideration whenever doing anything or arguing.

 

Things got worse as the months went on we fought more and I genuinely didn't ever (not even once!) start an argument.

 

now I'm not saying I was perfect at all, she had genuine reasons to be mad at me some time.

But a lot of the time she blew things well out of proportion - mainly again with regards to my friends.

 

If i thought she was getting pissed at me for an Un-Just reason I'd always fight back which usually after religiously fighter her point she'd either appoligise (usually the day after via phone - and cry some more about it)

I kept getting all these apologies and nothing changed.

 

I even pointed the fact out to her i never started any arguments and I never complained about anything she ever did and she said to me "doesn't that tell you something then" (basically saying that its always me doing stuff wrong)

 

10,11 months in I start to feel pushed away, drained and fed up - I sought comfort from a friend of mine, which i soon grew feeling for; I soon realized that however, I was only having them because i felt pushed away and neglected.

I felt horrible about it and tried extra hard to make the relationship work, until about 3months later where it all started again, she became even more demanding and Un-rational about everything she could pick a fault with but I stuck with it and kept trying.

 

We went on a series of breaks and getting back together over the next 2months or so; had some rough patches after the re-honeymoon period had warn off and repeated... all in all, i think we spent about 6-8 weeks of our relationship "on a break"

 

Anyway - soon enough we reached 1 year 6 months and things hadn't gotten any better, but above all else, we still loved each other.... It wasn't all rainy days with her, when it was good, it was amazing! and when it was bad, it was the worse. we had a lot of good times too which is why we stuck it out for so long.

 

during this time, Marie infomed me that not one, but four of her friend has told her they love her... the first two guys, i was fine with (I thought to myself "hey, she's hot... take it as a complement")

and just a day or two after i found out about the second guy, there was a third, at this point i was getting worried about it but again, kept my mouth shut and was thankful that she was at least telling em about it

 

When she told me about the 4th guy, i flipped - sent him some, quite threatening emails and told him to stay away. Ironically i found out later on, he didn't say a word to her of that sorts... she accused me of getting the names mixed up a year or so later and when i finally got it out of her, she admitted she lied, made it up and it was in fact the bloke she ended up going out with who said it (the 4th guys friend)

Side note - she's still friends with guy number 4 and I've in-fact helped her do her filming course work with him present in the room (at her request).

 

But back when i was 17 i didn't know this at all and with things still getting worse... it happened again, i felt drained and emotionally distraught. Over the next few months me and my friend, Linda grew very close (whom I'm still friends with) and Marie and i got slowly worse.

 

Linda, I should point out was an exchange student from Norway whom shared a passion for pretty much everything i did. psychological studies, History, Philosophy & Religious Debate; which, keep in mind... I was 17 at this point... its not exactly every day you meet a 17year old who has an intelligent opinion on Richard Dawkins book's and how Un/ethical Zimbardo's methods of study where. So finding someone who I had this level of chemistry with in my situation i couldn't help but feel a bit in awe at how cool she was.

A trip to Prague with my history class made myself and Linda grow even closer.

 

After Prague I became distant from Marie, this made things worse, she became even more dependent, cried constantly always arguing on the phone with me etc.

 

After a long phone call she asked me if i still loved her, i replied I don't know and I wanted time to get to know Linda better and she told me wanted time to get to know Haydn better (Guy number 4's friend) after about 5 days, i realized the error of my ways, that i still loved Marie and by this time Linda had confessed that she had feelings for me, i explained the situation and she took it badly.

 

We got back together later that week and then 2 days after we got back together she left me. The night before she left me i was on the verge of telling her what she'd always wanted to know, all about my past, seeing as she'd felt comfortable enough to share with me, and i figured it might make her see how much i actually love her and do trust her etc... I finally feel comfterable enough to tell her, get all worked up about it, cry in front of her for the first time... and she just doesn't want to know about it... nothing - it was the biggest slap in the face I've ever had. and then magically she made it about herself, again.

 

I was pissed off as ****, she got home & rang me the next morning, told me it was over... and i just said "ok" she came out with something alone the lines of "ok!? is that it"

I couldn't help myself, even after she'd broke my heart a million times worse than anyone could - i couldn't bring myself to hurt her so i sat there for a ****ing good half hour saying how much i did love her and was going to miss her but she wasn't happy with me and all i wanted for her was to be happy.

 

A year passed - I turned 18 shortly after we broke up, drank near enough 3 times Minimum a week for 6/7 months. Once i did a whole week straight out on the town. I never went into any of my lessons, I ended up failing most of my exams and starting smoking copious amount of pot.

 

Because of Marie's past, she was always really scared of doing anything sexual, which didn't bother me at all... I loved her and as long as she was happy that's all that mattered.

I lost my virginity to a girl who i don't even want to remember, i had sex with countless random girls, it meant nothing to me.

 

But that 6/7 months gave me a chance to do a lot of growing up, i realized that the age gap was a massive difference and she needed time to mature and time to find herself.

In that time i had 2 relationships based around shallow attraction and drinking, non lasting more than 2 months - just what every growing boy needs

but its not in my nature to have short relationships, I'm more of a commitment kinda guy.

 

We'd not spoken for a full year and she gets in contact with me, all those old feelings for her come back to me, and all the old feelings come back.

 

Maybe a month after she got back in touch with me we'd been out together on our own and with friends, to the cinema, a festival, a few small gigs and a few night out to the pub I finally got up the courage to kiss

(along with the help of a good 16 or so shots of vodka)

and it all worked out, she kissed me back, and 2 weeks later at a party we made it official, we where now dating again.

 

This time however i made it crystal clear things weren't gonna be as they were last time.

ground rules were set and I specifically told her the same mistakes are made again and we're over.

 

Things went brilliant, for the first few months... I kept drinking all i liked, she loved coming outwith my friends i still smoked weed every now and again, i knew she didn't like it so i did cut back for her and stopped smoking cigarettes all together.

 

But I started drinking and seeing my friends less to see her :/.

We've been going out for almost 7 months, shes started seeing a sex therapist and a councilor, shes having a really hard time and i know she's trying... but she still puts a lot of pressure on her to be there for her and again, something always seems to be wrong with her, but ironically she wont tell me when things are bothering her now, even when I request it, which she was so keen to do prior.

As a consequence, she's getting depressed and im getting severally emotionally drained AGAIN because I'm having to sit there for hours trying to ask her whats wrong.

(btw its not like she's just outright saying "no, I'm not telling you, im fine")

she does that, "ohhhh.... no.... its nothing reallyy... just something little, you probably dont care anyway" stuff... which, if you've ever experienced it... its annoying as ****!

If i give up asking her she just feels like i don't care.

 

 

Now, writing this I've had a self realization - i know she's walked all over me in the past, lied and broken my heart, hell, I've gone almost 9,10 months without sex for this girl i love her more than the world! all that stuff was in the past, she seems to be making a genuine improvement, I'm just scared I'm going to get hurt again...

 

 

So, what I'm basically asking you guys is, what would you do in my situation?

has anyone been so in love with someone thy ended up in a similar situation? and if so what did you do and how did it turn out?

 

My heads telling me to get put of there and that she's **** me over too much already, my hearts saying to stay and she's changed.

 

thanks a million guys for taking time to read this, you wouldn't believe how long it took to write

[kimflute26]

Hey . I actually read the entire thing and was intrigued by it because I'm sort of in a similar situation (except that I'm in your girlfriend's role). I don't think I was quite as bad as that... but my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago for very similar reasons. This semester I had a very difficult time with self esteem issues and handling my emotions. I would get anxious and overanalytical about seemingly normal things. Just like your gf, I always apologized for the things I did or said after doing them.... AFTER the fact I quickly realized that I was being irrational.

 

After 2 months my ex broke it off with me and I was devastated. I can tell you that I COMPLETELY realize it was my unstable emotional state that was a huge contributor to the breakup. But there's a very important question here.....

 

After the breakup did your girlfriend realize that she needs to change her ways permanently and basically get LOTS of help working on herself? I can tell you with 100% certainty that your gf WILL NOT CHANGE unless she has a great personal desire to do so. I have a huge desire to change... so I've started seeing a therapist and am working on finding new outlets to channel my emotions, as well as doing a lot of research on healthy relationships. So far I've learned that if I'm feeling like **** and I get that urge to ask for reassurance or vent my emotions, exercise helps a lot. I had a moment like that yesterday but can recall feeling a lot better after an exercise class. Next I plan to start taking dance lessons and get involved in anything else I can.

 

The reason I'm working so hard to change is not only because I know I need to in order to be personally happy with my life, but I also absolutely love my ex and have had a terrible time aeccpting that my emotional nature played such a big role in the relationship ending. I'm hoping I can give it another go with him once I am very sure that I've got a real handle on how I deal with the stresses and uncertainties of life. So ask yourself if your girlfriend has shown a desire to change her ways.... a REAL desire. If not and if it seems like she will float along being this way forever even after losing you to a breakup, then she may never change. And that will be something you'll have to accept.

Edited March 25, 2010 by kimflute26

[Jamie715]

Thanks kimflute26 for actually sticking with it and finishing the whole thing I know its a lot, and i tried to keep to the key details best I could while giving the reader a full picture of what was happening Thank you for taking the time to reply also:)

your post was very insightful I was half expecting a few comments just saying leave her, she's a bitch etc but you said pretty much exactly what I wanted to hear

She is genuinely trying, I do believe that without a shadow of a doubt, but her progress is minimal at best; i do realize it takes time but my patients is waring thin and i feel really bad that it is.

 

I'll be sure to tell her about the exercise too, thank you for that I bet it would help her a hell of a lot actually

Its a nice change hearing it from the other side, thank you Kim

 

I wish you all the best in trying to deal with life's up's and downs