Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[CricketGeisha]

I'll try to make this brief. Ok I am 28 years old and my current husband is in the military (army). We have had numerous problems since we first got together where he did not respect my wishes of cutting off his ties to his ex girlfriends. Though when my exboyfriends popped up I was prompt in showing loyalty to him and cutting them off and quite brazenly aka dont contact me again.

 

I feel he has made me feel like I have always been the second priority and I have grown tired and distant from him because it. It was quite painful when his ex - piece - of - ass managed to call him on our one year anniversary date. And he had also promised me he would change his phone number...so she couldnt contact anymore. One year.. i realized had gone by and he had been promising me i wont have to deal with anymore other women.

 

Now I dont care that he had sex with her a week before I had met him when we first got together, but I care that he didnt cut her out after we had a mature conversation about do we want to try dating exclusively. She had the nerve to ask him "oh well you have a girlfriend now so we can't fool around anymore".... I suppose his answer was no. But it doesnt show that he kept his foot down when he contacted her in april of last year...then again last july our one year she managed to get ahold of him.... and his unfulfilled PROMISE.

 

He went to army camp for a month and when he came back I blatantly told him I wanted a divorce. He slept on the couch for about two months because he refused to leave the apartment because we were coming close to his second tour in iraq. I didnt say I love you for about almost two months to him because I don't believe in cheapening the word. I am a stickler on fair play and I have a high ideology and even i feel bad when I fail to meet the standards i've set. so here i am... feeling hypocritical like im falling short.

 

The week of his leaving at the end of october... we were sleeping in the same bed again as I was trying to be sympathetic of his work schedule, leaving and recent loss of his grandfather. I told him I love you and we had a REALLY nice day... that day. Well I woke up to feeling him help himself to fingering me when i was very specific I did not want to have sex with him and we were working on the emotional.

 

well when i woke up to him fingering me i got pissed and so when i get mad i know i have to leave and back down... we had his gun in my panty drawer and i guess he thought i was going to try to grab for the gun...when i was geting my damn britches. he came at me in the closet and i felt cornered... he grabbed my arms. i bit him, which i had a panic attack . when he grabbed me and i bit he clenched down leaving nasty bruises. later that week I didnt come home till late beacuse I was sitting around my homework haunt where i do my college assignments. I would sleep aid my self out so i could feel left alone. Well we had a bad argument that following friday and he was out ALL Night long at a bar... and told me the next AFTER noon that he had drank and fell asleep in his car ( which find out later was a lie he was at an older 40 year old womans house which was down the road from the bars... ) he met this woman friday leading up to saturday. I didnt get his first message till two in the ****ing afternoon. and then when i came home We had another argument. Saturday was our day and I had a very long work and test weeek that week. So i woke up around 8 am and he didnt show. no call no nothing.

 

So saturday....when he does decide to come home he wants me to come home when i was having a perfectly good day alone going out because he dodged our plans. LAter that night i went to bed and he went back out to the bar that he was at the night before and met up with that older woman and her crew again and went back to her house... I woke up for work at 5:30 am... and had a few extra hours before I had to go be at work so I went looking for him feeling bad about our fight the day before and maybe him being drunk in his car... and cold.

 

Well come to find out after using my GPS and mcguyvering this whole thing..and a twitchy karmic nudge.... i decided to circle the island he was on one last time... low and behold his white avenger is parked in a little yellow houses driveway... he had cheated on me...and i found him in the womans bedroom...

 

Well he cheated on me less than six days before he had to leave for iraq after I was opening up to him again. I had sex with him... REALLY good physical sex... the idea of having sex with him though was more of a pride issue... i didnt want her to be the last thing he remembered before iraq... And I had to push myself to do it... in a way i felt like i let myself degrade myself..

 

anyway fast forward.... he says I love you and Im being faithful while im in iraq... and I dont know if he is nor not? not way to tell. But now I have a close friend that I have a growing attraction towards... we has been gone since the beginning of november and here we are at the end of the march ... and I have been faithful...

 

but i have my friends telling me I can do better, even condoning me cheating on him with this guy that i really like because he's nicer. This is a close friend of mine that helps me out with trash and dishes... and errands like grocery shopping while my husband is away... and i feel bad but I am really attracted and I think I am falling in love with my best friend... < I think its really crappy what he did to me before iraq (a one year tour or so) and expects me and even says im glad your not whoring around to be faithful while hes gone... and Really hasnt been easy to deal with my husband... when getting things done like paying bills he called me money grubbing... valentines day rolled around and no flowers or happy v day...

 

I've done everything, make a home , i work , i go to school, i hand made him christmas presents and quilted a hand made croched blanket for him... printed him photos of his family and good times for his deployment.

[Disintegration]

I would strongly suggest you divorce your H. Before you start a new relationship you have to end the marriage you are in now. You don't want to categorize yourself as your Husband which is a cheater. You probably should have left him when you found out that he cheated on you but I know you were in a really bad place at the time. You are thinking more clearly now but I think it would be a bad idea to have a revenge affair.

[ConflictedGuy27]

This one is certainly tough.

 

I'll address the elephant in the room: your attraction to the best friend.

That's fire you're playing with and your friends that encourage you to have an affair with him aren't helping in that department.

 

If you let the status quo continue, I believe you're inviting an affair that doesn't need to happen. It very likely will.

 

Your situation is tough because you caught him in another chicks bed; however, he was denied sex and you opted not to sleep in the same bed fir 2 months. Instead of retaliating by withdrawing (both of you!), marriage counseling to help you BOTH discover the roots of your issue was in order.

 

I say was because I assume he's in Iraq now. Boy this is hard cause he will be gone physically for so long. Communicate to the extent u can, and try to make it work. Seek counseling when he returns to see if you M can survive.

 

You should dismiss your best friend from being so close; thats is a 100% time bomb, I guarantee it. Invest the year to see if you can make it work.

[jmargel]

Don't ever divorce your spouse to be with someone else. Divorce your spouse when there is just too much 'water under the bridge', where counseling doesn't help and when you two have become incompatible.

 

You are neglected, and found refuge in this other guy. Though it's good that he's there for you, taking it to the next step will only amount in more drama and losing him as a friend. It's not fair to this other guy as well because he's not getting a good start with you. He can't until your husband is out of your life.

 

Sounds like there is quite a few issues and now would be a good chance for your husband to seek counseling while he's in the military. Perhaps counseling for yourself as well would be benifical.

[califnan]

I don't know that you're between a "rock and a hard place" .. His tour is only a year ? Don't bring yourself down to his or anyone else's level. Don't cheat.

 

You must wait until your husband's return. If you still feel the same, then divorce before going on with your life.. Being a busy woman with so many responsibilities, I would think the year should go by quickly ..

 

Another note. It's not my business - but with the marriage being in the shape it is in, I wouldn't send him every cent you have..

[CricketGeisha]

Im not saying all of you don't have good points.. and these are points of view I have considered. And no I did not want to divorce him over not changing his phone number. A little back history : he PROMISED. when we broke up severely and I moved to another town that there would be no more women. We were broken up but he was stuck on base for two weeks for being late to a prior army engagement I brought him easter dinner-out of respect for him being a soldier at least and alone on a holiday.

 

THE Agreement and promise he made me was NO more women. NO more ex's invading our life. I demanded at that point the same respect I had shown him. The promise he made me was a KEYSTONE to us even giving this a second chance... and things were good when he proposed after that major blow up.. We had moved into a new apartment.. a new town.. it was a fresh start. I don't drag the drama into the new home.

 

And as far as the phone goes? I ruined a 300 dollar katana at the time. and replaced it EASILY with a prepaid that cost less and which i still have now. He told me later he did not change his phone number because It was inconvienant. Im sorry but you made a promise...you keep it and you deal with the inconvienance. Which really if you put effort which he had his familys email and other friends and commands phone numbers... are easily replaced to save a relationship.. It seems like a small request.

 

And there wasn't just one exgirlfriend.. there was kandace..christy... kandace again... him looking for 5 women in his local area to hook up with... and the woman he was caught with. Which lives 20.. minutes away from us. And yah know I didnt hurt her. I didnt swear at her. I didnt threaten her or throw rocks at her car and ****. I held my temper and I held it well because I realized it was him. I conducted myself maturely. I KNOW where she lives. I know what she looks like, I knew her phone number at that point. I even left a polite letter of lets talk because I wanted her side of the story. HE lied by omission by not being honest that friday night lead up to saturday night. and he told me she did not know his phone numbers...

 

And did anybody miss the part about him leaving bruises on me? Because that is not the first physical wrestling match we have had... its been bad and I have been married before.. Trust me Im a straight A college student going for a good degree. I hold my job and show up on time. Everything else in my life is loving and balanced with my friends and what I mean by that is that i am capable of great loyalty and having someone's back to the T... I look out for my "family". I know im capable of it... he just hasnt been inspiring in eliciting that kind of response from me.. I've tried even with his bs...and I am really wearing down. Even after he cheated on me? I was one of the only wives laying in the dirt with him for more snuggle time. I carried his duffle bag because those things are like 80 lbs.. he had two of them.

 

I've been supportive..and I need the same kind of support back. And even after he's left it hasnt been easy... He doesnt. just doesnt think he's inconsiderate.

 

I cant even name a good quality because I'm sorry and I'll try better...leads back to us having the same conversations over the same problems and him being a repeat offender. I don't hate him...but i am numb when I think about him.

 

And yah i was like where are the flowers that he promised would show up for v day? I saw one order placed...and he said he ordered me a second batch... they never showed... I waited three weeks. he didnt even tell me happy valentines day preemptively... I MADE sure he at least had a card. He has email access.. he can do a v card. seriously a little tiny bit of effort? maybe?

 

Another woman i work with is an army wife and her husband is deployed... one day it was flowers...another a balloon... another chocolates.. I mean all spaced out and I know him being In iraq more is possible.. I really think he didnt do **** =/ A v card people he can play WORLD OF WARCRAFT...he can send me a damn v card...

 

I made sure he had a b day card....christmas...and valentines. I was on key. Christmas he came through thats about it...

 

But fighting him to get the money to pay bills is a bitch... Even when I DO let him know and make a budget of where this money is going. I shouldnt be called money grubbing for doing right?

[Disintegration]

If he treats you so badly why do you tolerate it? You seem like you can do better. You've listed a lot of bad qualities and can't say anything positive about him. You don't have children, it would be a lot easier to just up and leave. You don't want to settle. As far as him being physical with you that isn't right either. He isn't going to change unless he gets help for that.

 

If you really want to make it work the two of you need marriage counseling. You both have to want to make the M work or else it will be doomed.

 

He ordered two batches of roses but you never received them? Do you think it is possible he ordered them for someone else? He has a history of being unfaithful so that leads me to believe they were meant for someone else.

 

You want to be with someone who is going to give their all and not continually let you down, especially if they've deceived you over and over again.

[ConflictedGuy27]

So are you using all these things as excuses to have an affair? Just because he's taken the low road on things, doesn't mean you have to. Looks like you're trying to either talk yourself into having a revenge affair or getting a divorce. I'd say if the choice is between those two, you both would be served better by getting a divorce.

 

I have to agree with jthorne here. Whether it's your intention or not, you're definitley become VERY vulnerable to having an affair. I'm not defending what you've told us about your husband at all, please don't misunderstand.

 

Just focus your attention on some of the things you're saying and place them in the perspective of your current situation w/ your male friend.

 

It's a dangerous situation. No doubt, your H Fu*ked up; however, at least for the next year, whether the M survives will be largely up to you. It all depends on what you want.

 

Dismiss the male friend, if u could, I don't know many who would be strong enough in your situation not to start dropping hints that you're interested...

 

Good luck w/ your choices.

[CricketGeisha]

So are you using all these things as excuses to have an affair? Just because he's taken the low road on things, doesn't mean you have to. Looks like you're trying to either talk yourself into having a revenge affair or getting a divorce. I'd say if the choice is between those two, you both would be served better by getting a divorce.

 

 

I was pretty tired when i posted these last time. I would like to know if other people have been in the same position I'm in. The only agreement my husband and I have right now is to wait until July. Thats when he comes home on leave... if we choose to divorce after then so be it. Also I am at a point in my life where I feel I need to start looking out for myself.. It would be VERY easy to up and move and have another life started by the time he came back and just disappear. But I have -noted- other peoples advice... and while he is a ****ty husband... they agree as a soldier he deserves a home to come home too.

 

I dont want to look for a justification to have an affair. I have a best friend who I really like and has really been there for me, the other guy. I was friends with his mother first. I am saying yes I have had adulterous thoughts. To say otherwise would be a lie. I don't want to give up my best friend. All of my other friends live an hour away. He's the only one I have here in this new town. I have other friends but they are academic and work platonic relations. People I enjoy seeing on a regular basis but we aren't close.

 

But I think it would be wrong... to divorce my husband and up and move while he is gone in iraq... that seems like a really ****ty backstabbing move. And your right while hes taken the low road, I won't. But I dont know life advice from service married individuals... or more experienced people Im willing to listen...

[dazzle22]

You have to separate out what your husband has done to you from your new feelings for this other man.

 

You have to deal with your issues with your husband, and decide if you can get over what happened first. If you decide you can't, then cleanly get a divorce and start again.

 

Don't muddy the waters, and make yourself look like the cheater by taking up with another guy while he is away.

 

Your husband's unwillingness to set boundaries with past women in his life, and letting them "bleed into" your relationship was the first indication of his propensity to "cheat in little ways".

 

Then he comes on to you in a very crude way, (fingering you when you are asleep), and goes off in a huff and cheats because you were put off by that. I wouldn't put up with that, but don't lower yourself to his level by cheating while he is deployed and putting his life in danger for his country. Doesn't shed good light on you.

[fooled once]

I'll try to make this brief. Ok I am 28 years old and my current husband is in the military (army). We have had numerous problems since we first got together where he did not respect my wishes of cutting off his ties to his ex girlfriends. Though when my exboyfriends popped up I was prompt in showing loyalty to him and cutting them off and quite brazenly aka dont contact me again.

 

I feel he has made me feel like I have always been the second priority and I have grown tired and distant from him because it. It was quite painful when his ex - piece - of - ass managed to call him on our one year anniversary date. And he had also promised me he would change his phone number...so she couldnt contact anymore. One year.. i realized had gone by and he had been promising me i wont have to deal with anymore other women.

 

Now I dont care that he had sex with her a week before I had met him when we first got together, but I care that he didnt cut her out after we had a mature conversation about do we want to try dating exclusively. She had the nerve to ask him "oh well you have a girlfriend now so we can't fool around anymore".... I suppose his answer was no. But it doesnt show that he kept his foot down when he contacted her in april of last year...then again last july our one year she managed to get ahold of him.... and his unfulfilled PROMISE.

 

He went to army camp for a month and when he came back I blatantly told him I wanted a divorce. He slept on the couch for about two months because he refused to leave the apartment because we were coming close to his second tour in iraq. I didnt say I love you for about almost two months to him because I don't believe in cheapening the word. I am a stickler on fair play and I have a high ideology and even i feel bad when I fail to meet the standards i've set. so here i am... feeling hypocritical like im falling short.

 

The week of his leaving at the end of october... we were sleeping in the same bed again as I was trying to be sympathetic of his work schedule, leaving and recent loss of his grandfather. I told him I love you and we had a REALLY nice day... that day. Well I woke up to feeling him help himself to fingering me when i was very specific I did not want to have sex with him and we were working on the emotional.

 

well when i woke up to him fingering me i got pissed and so when i get mad i know i have to leave and back down... we had his gun in my panty drawer and i guess he thought i was going to try to grab for the gun...when i was geting my damn britches. he came at me in the closet and i felt cornered... he grabbed my arms. i bit him, which i had a panic attack . when he grabbed me and i bit he clenched down leaving nasty bruises. later that week I didnt come home till late beacuse I was sitting around my homework haunt where i do my college assignments. I would sleep aid my self out so i could feel left alone. Well we had a bad argument that following friday and he was out ALL Night long at a bar... and told me the next AFTER noon that he had drank and fell asleep in his car ( which find out later was a lie he was at an older 40 year old womans house which was down the road from the bars... ) he met this woman friday leading up to saturday. I didnt get his first message till two in the ****ing afternoon. and then when i came home We had another argument. Saturday was our day and I had a very long work and test weeek that week. So i woke up around 8 am and he didnt show. no call no nothing.

 

So saturday....when he does decide to come home he wants me to come home when i was having a perfectly good day alone going out because he dodged our plans. LAter that night i went to bed and he went back out to the bar that he was at the night before and met up with that older woman and her crew again and went back to her house... I woke up for work at 5:30 am... and had a few extra hours before I had to go be at work so I went looking for him feeling bad about our fight the day before and maybe him being drunk in his car... and cold.

 

Well come to find out after using my GPS and mcguyvering this whole thing..and a twitchy karmic nudge.... i decided to circle the island he was on one last time... low and behold his white avenger is parked in a little yellow houses driveway... he had cheated on me...and i found him in the womans bedroom...

 

Well he cheated on me less than six days before he had to leave for iraq after I was opening up to him again. I had sex with him... REALLY good physical sex... the idea of having sex with him though was more of a pride issue... i didnt want her to be the last thing he remembered before iraq... And I had to push myself to do it... in a way i felt like i let myself degrade myself..

 

anyway fast forward.... he says I love you and Im being faithful while im in iraq... and I dont know if he is nor not? not way to tell. But now I have a close friend that I have a growing attraction towards... we has been gone since the beginning of november and here we are at the end of the march ... and I have been faithful...

 

but i have my friends telling me I can do better, even condoning me cheating on him with this guy that i really like because he's nicer. This is a close friend of mine that helps me out with trash and dishes... and errands like grocery shopping while my husband is away... and i feel bad but I am really attracted and I think I am falling in love with my best friend... < I think its really crappy what he did to me before iraq (a one year tour or so) and expects me and even says im glad your not whoring around to be faithful while hes gone... and Really hasnt been easy to deal with my husband... when getting things done like paying bills he called me money grubbing... valentines day rolled around and no flowers or happy v day...

 

I've done everything, make a home , i work , i go to school, i hand made him christmas presents and quilted a hand made croched blanket for him... printed him photos of his family and good times for his deployment.

 

I didn't get through all this but what I got from it -- you both are not mature enough to be married.

 

Either you love him and respect him or you don't. Either you love him and trust him or you don't.

 

Why you would care who he was screwing before you knew him... EVERYONE has a past.

 

If you two are just going to cheat on each other, get a divorce.

 

Sorry, but I don't see any love between the two of you. I see you wanting to control who he talks to and what he does. I see him fighting that. I see him deciding he is going to go screw someone to get back at you for telling him who he can and can't talk to.

 

Either get marriage counselor and fix the issues and DROP all the stuff from the past ... what I mean by that is stop using it as an excuse, a crutch to why you are doing something. Put it in the PAST - let it go.

 

If you can't do that, then you two don't have a future, IMHO.

 

Also ETA - why is this guy helping you take the trash out and do dishes? Do you live alone? You can't do your own dishes? You can't take your own trash out? Seems to me you are just looking for an excuse to cheat...

Edited March 27, 2010 by fooled once

[fooled once]

Im not saying all of you don't have good points.. and these are points of view I have considered. And no I did not want to divorce him over not changing his phone number. A little back history : he PROMISED. when we broke up severely and I moved to another town that there would be no more women. We were broken up but he was stuck on base for two weeks for being late to a prior army engagement I brought him easter dinner-out of respect for him being a soldier at least and alone on a holiday.

 

THE Agreement and promise he made me was NO more women. NO more ex's invading our life. I demanded at that point the same respect I had shown him. The promise he made me was a KEYSTONE to us even giving this a second chance... and things were good when he proposed after that major blow up.. We had moved into a new apartment.. a new town.. it was a fresh start. I don't drag the drama into the new home.

 

And as far as the phone goes? I ruined a 300 dollar katana at the time. and replaced it EASILY with a prepaid that cost less and which i still have now. He told me later he did not change his phone number because It was inconvienant. Im sorry but you made a promise...you keep it and you deal with the inconvienance. Which really if you put effort which he had his familys email and other friends and commands phone numbers... are easily replaced to save a relationship.. It seems like a small request.

 

And there wasn't just one exgirlfriend.. there was kandace..christy... kandace again... him looking for 5 women in his local area to hook up with... and the woman he was caught with. Which lives 20.. minutes away from us. And yah know I didnt hurt her. I didnt swear at her. I didnt threaten her or throw rocks at her car and ****. I held my temper and I held it well because I realized it was him. I conducted myself maturely. I KNOW where she lives. I know what she looks like, I knew her phone number at that point. I even left a polite letter of lets talk because I wanted her side of the story. HE lied by omission by not being honest that friday night lead up to saturday night. and he told me she did not know his phone numbers...

 

And did anybody miss the part about him leaving bruises on me? Because that is not the first physical wrestling match we have had... its been bad and I have been married before.. Trust me Im a straight A college student going for a good degree. I hold my job and show up on time. Everything else in my life is loving and balanced with my friends and what I mean by that is that i am capable of great loyalty and having someone's back to the T... I look out for my "family". I know im capable of it... he just hasnt been inspiring in eliciting that kind of response from me.. I've tried even with his bs...and I am really wearing down. Even after he cheated on me? I was one of the only wives laying in the dirt with him for more snuggle time. I carried his duffle bag because those things are like 80 lbs.. he had two of them.

 

I've been supportive..and I need the same kind of support back. And even after he's left it hasnt been easy... He doesnt. just doesnt think he's inconsiderate.

 

I cant even name a good quality because I'm sorry and I'll try better...leads back to us having the same conversations over the same problems and him being a repeat offender. I don't hate him...but i am numb when I think about him.

 

And yah i was like where are the flowers that he promised would show up for v day? I saw one order placed...and he said he ordered me a second batch... they never showed... I waited three weeks. he didnt even tell me happy valentines day preemptively... I MADE sure he at least had a card. He has email access.. he can do a v card. seriously a little tiny bit of effort? maybe?

 

Another woman i work with is an army wife and her husband is deployed... one day it was flowers...another a balloon... another chocolates.. I mean all spaced out and I know him being In iraq more is possible.. I really think he didnt do **** =/ A v card people he can play WORLD OF WARCRAFT...he can send me a damn v card...

 

I made sure he had a b day card....christmas...and valentines. I was on key. Christmas he came through thats about it...

 

But fighting him to get the money to pay bills is a bitch... Even when I DO let him know and make a budget of where this money is going. I shouldnt be called money grubbing for doing right?

 

No person should ever put hands on another, but that isn't an excuse to cheat.

 

Since you have such issues with him - divorce him. This will be your 2nd divorce at 28...maybe it is time for some individual counseling?

[theallseeingeye]

This is an interesting case...well before i can say any advice, you've made it quite clear that your husband is a cheater and a backstabber as well as a liar and just flat out worthless. but like some ppl are saying you are controling and possessive and insecure.

 

you believe in fair-play so far it looks like your getting screwed over by your husband. you mentioned he attacked you leaving bruises, in basic terms trys to rape you in your sleep, lies to you, and still fools around with other women. so if he is all of these things your telling us why did you marry him? did you think he would change? or did you ever know about all these past problems until after you married him?

 

before i (or anyone else for that matter) can give you solid advise, you need to give us a little more detail about your friend. what is he like? what has he done for you to cause you to feel this way? what has he done for you other than doing the dishes and taking out the trash? you've given everyone a ok view of your friend but, has he done anything bad to you? has he showed any feelings for you or is he looking for a quick night with you? does he know your situtation? if he does has he encouraged you to cheat as well like your other friends or is he one of them that encourages you? how well do you really know your friend (known him your whole life or just recent)? just a few details please. we all kind of need to see his side in all of this.

[fooled once]

I don't need to know one darn thing about him, except that if he's such a good guy, and such a friend, why would he participate in the betrayal of another person. If he really has feelings for her, why can't he keep it in his pants until she's divorced?

 

 

Ditto! ......