Nikki Sahagin Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Okay, firstly I am a monogamist. I 'believe' in monogamy as an ideal, i'm just not sure its achievable. I have been in two relationships both which have broken down. I think the relationships would not have broken down, if there was not the element of being just me and that person in the relationship. What I mean to say is, if the relationships had more freedom, they may have lasted. At the moment I am young and not really sure what I want or what I truly believe in as far as relationships go. Part of me wants one man, part of me wants more. I have a lot of fantasies in my head but a large part of me is very aware I could never make them reality; whether thats because they are wrong, or i'm conditioned, or shy, afraid of repercussions/judgement etc I don't know. But what are the true alternatives to monogamy? * a relationship that IS monogamous but allows for a degree of freedom or 'infidelity'? * a polymorous (spelt wrong!) relationship * avoiding relationships altogether for casual sex What really is the alternative? As far as I can see - there isn't one. There's either monogamy that is real or monogamy that is implied but where both partners are secretly cheating anyway.
Scottdmw Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 As you look for answers to this question, I would suggest you do a little bit of Internet research on sexual bonding and the hormone oxytocin. Basically, when two people have sex with each other, the biology is such that it tends to make them bond, it creates a strong feeling of trust and love between the people. This happens whether they want it to happen or not. The more times they do it and the better the sex is, the stronger the bonding. The effect is stronger or weaker in some people of course. For me, this implies that trying to save a monogamous relationship by allowing “freedom” is unlikely to work. Any sexual activity outside of the relationship is still going to release oxytocin and the other hormones, and will produce bonding in the outside relationship. It's human nature, designed that way by nature. People say that they can have casual sex without it happening, but I usually think they are fooling themselves. That doesn't seem likely to do the original relationship any good. As you point out, monogamy is difficult. There is no relationship on earth that is so good that the partners do not at one time or another feel like someone else might be better. That is, unfortunately, also human nature. I think it is unrealistic to imagine that it is possible to find a relationship where those desires for someone outside would never occur. The next question is, what do we do about it? Well, each person has to make a decision about what they want out of life. Here's how this decision breaks down for me. One option is the path of maximum sexual pleasure and maximum feeling “in love”. In this life path, a person decides that what is most important to them is feeling the most bang out of sex the most number of times. Since relationships are such that sexual excitement and romance tend to decrease from their first initial highs over time, the only way to do this is to have many partners, either by cheating or by serial monogamy. On this life path, a person never has one partner that is really their lifelong partner, they simply have a series of lovers that they keep around as long as they are useful to them romantically and sexually. The other person is valued for their ability to give you sexual pleasure and feelings of romance. If children are involved in this person's life, the children must deal with either parent's infidelity or with an ever-changing selection of temporary parental pairings. When the person on this path reaches old age and sex is no longer really that possible or at least good, they have a series of memories but no one who really wants to stay with them at that point maybe. The other path is what I consider the path of maximum happiness for all concerned. This is where a person chooses one partner for true monogamy. Some romance and sexual pleasure is sacrificed. However, the person gets the benefit of having a lifelong true love. If children are involved, they get the benefit of being raised by their biological mother and father (who tend to be hardwired to love them), and the same stable mother and father for their whole lives. Both partners have to trust the other to be faithful, and to do the hard work of being faithful themselves, for this option to work. But, it's reasonable to point out that people work incredibly hard on many things in life that are very difficult, and make incredible sacrifices for goals that they consider important. Consider the people that choose to run 60 miles per week for marathon training just for the simple satisfaction of running a race, or the 60 hour work weeks many people will put in to have a desirable career. On this life path, when a person reaches old age and sex is no longer desirable, they hopefully have with them a person that they spent a great lifetime with. The big kicker is that this whole thing has to be a decision of the will. Monogamy doesn't happen by feelings, again there is no relationship where a person will always feel like they want to be monogamous. The only way you get true monogamy is when both people make a decision of the will to do that in the hope that it will produce an overall better life. It has to be a decision, because during a long-term relationship feelings of love and romance tend to increase and decrease cyclically. Only a decision allows people to continue doing it during the periods when the feelings are not there. That, anyway, is how I look at the whole question. Best wishes, Scott
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