JustJoe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Part of that question, Tigress, is do we even want to try to find the "perfect", mate? My AP and I were totally smitten with each other, but her money issues got in the way. If I were ever to find another person who I was mad about and who was mad about me, I think I would move heaven and earth to make it work. Then all the multi-dating would go into the dumper.:D
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Part of that question, Tigress, is do we even want to try to find the "perfect", mate? My AP and I were totally smitten with each other, but her money issues got in the way. If I were ever to find another person who I was mad about and who was mad about me, I think I would move heaven and earth to make it work. Then all the multi-dating would go into the dumper.:D Yeah, see, the thing is, with the other guys...there was that. The "madness". I wanted to make it work, but they didn't. They were fine with what they had from me, had no desire to turn it into something serious. My problem is--will I ever find someone who I can feel that with, mutually, and have them want to make it work with me, as I would want to make it work with them? And I guess there is also the "Do I even want to try to find that person?" factor in there, too. It just seems impossible at this point and I'm only 22 (almost 23)!! Every. Single. Time. I've had serious sparkage, it just hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I wonder if it ever will. I wonder if I'm just destined for mediocrity. I wonder if I can ever learn to find excitement, sparkage, and meaning in a relationship that wasn't on fire (in the good way) right off the bat.
sweetjasmine Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Someone I respect once said, "The butterflies in your stomach can lie to you so don't rely on them," and it really made me think. With my current SO, the butterflies went away pretty quickly, but they were replaced by something else. We're still very attracted to each other and drawn to each other, but it's a different kind of affection than the butterflies you get when you have something new.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Someone I respect once said, "The butterflies in your stomach can lie to you so don't rely on them," and it really made me think. With my current SO, the butterflies went away pretty quickly, but they were replaced by something else. We're still very attracted to each other and drawn to each other, but it's a different kind of affection than the butterflies you get when you have something new. That really is something to think about, especially in my case, with my past experiences. And I think I was on to something in my last post--"learning" to find excitement and meaning in the relationships I have. Learning to be happy with what there is instead of contemplating what isn't. Clearly I still have work to do in that department. I feel I'm on my way, though. I think of what I would lose if I decided to no longer see the guy I've been dating and I don't want to lose it. We have a fabulous time together--we crack each other up, we can confide in each other about serious things, we have similar interests and outlooks on life, my housemates really like him (it's important because they're my also my friends, and I spend a lot of time at my house--it would be uncomfortable if I was seeing a guy they didn't like for whatever reason), and though I don't get butterflies when we touch or kiss, I am attracted to him, and the sex, while not mind-blowing, is still rather good much of the time.
aerogurl87 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Well all I have to say is butterflies eventually die but a real connection with someone can last a lifetime. With that said, I don't like multidating. When I'm single, I'm just single. But when I find someone I like I hone in on them and focus on seeing where things go with them and only them. Like when I started talking to my guy 2 months or so ago. I was happily single before we started talking but then when him and I started emailing each other and talking on the phone, all thoughts about dating anyone else went out the window.
sally4sara Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 indeed s4s, after a certain age it just gets too hard to juggle all those warm bodies Wasn't talking about age. I was talking about time. After a few dates, if you can't make up your mind about someone, stop wasting their time.
pandagirl Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I've had serious sparkage, it just hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I wonder if it ever will. I wonder if I'm just destined for mediocrity. I wonder if I can ever learn to find excitement, sparkage, and meaning in a relationship that wasn't on fire (in the good way) right off the bat. I've never trusted "sparks," even when I was younger, I didn't. I've always wanted to find that calm, affectionate bond with someone, because I know that is something that can LAST. I've had that napalm attraction with a guy once, but excitement doesn't mean anything.
JustJoe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Yeah, see, the thing is, with the other guys...there was that. The "madness". I wanted to make it work, but they didn't. They were fine with what they had from me, had no desire to turn it into something serious. My problem is--will I ever find someone who I can feel that with, mutually, and have them want to make it work with me, as I would want to make it work with them? And I guess there is also the "Do I even want to try to find that person?" factor in there, too. It just seems impossible at this point and I'm only 22 (almost 23)!! Every. Single. Time. I've had serious sparkage, it just hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I wonder if it ever will. I wonder if I'm just destined for mediocrity. I wonder if I can ever learn to find excitement, sparkage, and meaning in a relationship that wasn't on fire (in the good way) right off the bat.Tigress, If you expect mediocrity, that's what you'll get. I KNOW that you can have both passion and deep love, I had it , but was too stupid to realize it. I'm working very hard to get it back again. I may be unsuccessful, but I will have, at least tried.
boogieboy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Tigress, just like it clicked in your head that you dont want to multi-date (great decision btw) it will click in your head that you wont settle for mediocrity. In fact, I think since you know what sparks feels like, you will concentrate on it more now that youre not spreading yourself so thin dating. I applaud you. I think now that you will be focusing on one person at a time, it will force you to pay attention to sparks, stay the course!
befreckled Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 personally multi-dating helps me not fret about a date. I'm not checking my phone x 20 a day to see if I have a missed call, email etc. It takes abit of work, schedule wise..but there's no distraction like another date with someone else. I've always multi-dated and, then when one relationship progressed to the point of exclusivity, I'd bow out with the rest.
sweetjasmine Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 That really is something to think about, especially in my case, with my past experiences. And I think I was on to something in my last post--"learning" to find excitement and meaning in the relationships I have. Learning to be happy with what there is instead of contemplating what isn't. Clearly I still have work to do in that department. I feel I'm on my way, though. I think of what I would lose if I decided to no longer see the guy I've been dating and I don't want to lose it. We have a fabulous time together--we crack each other up, we can confide in each other about serious things, we have similar interests and outlooks on life, my housemates really like him (it's important because they're my also my friends, and I spend a lot of time at my house--it would be uncomfortable if I was seeing a guy they didn't like for whatever reason), and though I don't get butterflies when we touch or kiss, I am attracted to him, and the sex, while not mind-blowing, is still rather good much of the time. Well, it sounds like you're saying "maybe I should settle for something that's kind of okay." That's not what I meant to point out. Does the guy make you happy? Does he make you feel fulfilled? If you feel like something's still missing, then it's probably not right. Like I said, in my situation, the sparks were replaced by a different kind of affection, and we still desire each other.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Well, it sounds like you're saying "maybe I should settle for something that's kind of okay." That's not what I meant to point out. Does the guy make you happy? Does he make you feel fulfilled? If you feel like something's still missing, then it's probably not right. Like I said, in my situation, the sparks were replaced by a different kind of affection, and we still desire each other. One thing I wonder about in regard to this is...if I was really sure about him, if I really felt like everything was there with him, then would I have even bothered with the others? I feel like that question is relevant because even though I was multidating, when I met the others I actually had a desire to take things further with them--I was sure, until I learned that they didn't want the same things. With this guy I've always been ambivalent. When I'm with him I'm reminded of how I felt in my last relationship--it was the longest relationship I'd had by far, at nearly 2 years, but it definitely was not without its problems, and I wonder if that's because things just felt...lukewarm after awhile. Like it didn't exactly "transform", more..."went downhill".
torranceshipman Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 You're so young-it would be crazy to settle. You can have the butterflies and the stability and love, too-just hang in there and you'll find it eventually. I think the flakiness of the guys may well be down to thir age-early 20's is the sowing the wild oats age for a lot of guys...maybe dating someone a little bit older might be a good way to go?
ADF Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Excellent post. I absolutely agree that trying to keep your options eternally open usually backfires. It is a great way of missing out on having a great relationship with someone really special. I hope this guy is all he seems to be. Good luck.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) You're so young-it would be crazy to settle. You can have the butterflies and the stability and love, too-just hang in there and you'll find it eventually. I think the flakiness of the guys may well be down to thir age-early 20's is the sowing the wild oats age for a lot of guys...maybe dating someone a little bit older might be a good way to go? :lmao::lmao::lmao: I just had to laugh at this, sorry. It cracked me up. The guy I mentioned in this post, who I've been seeing for the last several months and who clearly wants to be with me (NOT that that's the only reason I should be with him) since he gave me that ultimatum, is a year and a half younger than I am (I'm almost 23), and the guy who pulled the disappearing act after this past weekend is 31--the oldest guy I've ever been out with. Earlier in my multidating experiences, I went out on a date with a 28-year-old guy, and he had vanished too--never responded when I sent him a message saying I had a great time. Age is NOT a factor in deducing whether or not anyone will be any more mature/ready for commitment or any less of a jerk. Edited March 25, 2010 by tigressA
aerogurl87 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 :lmao::lmao::lmao: I just had to laugh at this, sorry. It cracked me up. The guy I mentioned in this post, who I've been seeing for the last several months and who clearly wants to be with me (NOT that that's the only reason I should be with him) since he gave me that ultimatum, is a year and a half younger than I am (I'm almost 23), and the guy who pulled the disappearing act after this past weekend is 31--the oldest guy I've ever been out with. Earlier in my multidating experiences, I went out on a date with a 28-year-old guy, and he had vanished too--never responded when I sent him a message saying I had a great time. Age is NOT a factor in deducing whether or not anyone will be any more mature/ready for commitment or any less of a jerk. I agree with Tigress, age is not always a factor in determining how ready one is to settle down. My ex was 31 and still thought he wasn't ready to settle down (if ever). Then I dated a 28 year old who disappeared only to reappear months later and tell me that he liked me alot, wanted to date me, but didn't think he was ready for a girlfriend. Now my current guy is looking into trying to start saving up for a house in the near future and wants to get married in the next two to three years so he can start building a family and he's only 18. So yeah I think what a person's priorities are at the moment are more of a determining factor than someone's physical age.
Author tigressA Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks for backing me up, Aero. I have to admit that I initially went out with the older guys because I was considering that stereotype, that a greater physical age can mean greater maturity/more readiness for commitment. But nope. People can be classless jerks no matter their age. In other news, the time I've set aside for myself is going well. I find myself missing this guy though it's only been a couple days since I last saw him. It'll be nice to see him again. Maybe it'll be sooner rather than later.
aerogurl87 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks for backing me up, Aero. I have to admit that I initially went out with the older guys because I was considering that stereotype, that a greater physical age can mean greater maturity/more readiness for commitment. But nope. People can be classless jerks no matter their age. In other news, the time I've set aside for myself is going well. I find myself missing this guy though it's only been a couple days since I last saw him. It'll be nice to see him again. Maybe it'll be sooner rather than later. No problem. I also fell victim to the same attitude. I thought, hmm, well if a guy is young (college aged) then he's just out looking to sow his wild oats, not actually look for someone to be in a relationship. So I went and dated guys who were usually between the ages of 25 and 30 for about a year. None of those situations panned out as when I'd bring up the idea of being in a committed relationship most of them would flake out on me. Then I found the guy I'm with now and he told me straight up front that he wasn't looking to just have some quick fun but wanted to have a real and meaningful relationship with someone. To be honest I was kind of shocked, lol, but it goes to show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover.
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Real multi-daters know: it's don't ask, don't tell.This would be inaccurate unless you intend to lead someone on. When you tell someone, it provides them with the opportunity to walk or not, reliant on how they feel about multi-dating. It's called fairplay. When I used to multi-date, I always disclosed. The only time it ever became an issue, is when two of the guys met face-to-face. Beyond that, none had any "hurt feewings".
gypsy_nicky Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) MY question would be: *Why in the world* would you be flaunting the fact that you are dating others in front of him? That's messed up, and sure to make anyone feel bad. Real multi-daters know: it's don't ask, don't tell. Your good bro. Especially at recreating scenarios that no one here mentioned. Its not about flaunting, its about letting them know your seeing other people as well-honesty. Not telling someone your dating multiple people has the huge risk of being uncovered. Your social circle will not encompass a very broad radius and people will find out. Or your elusiveness will start getting noticed by those your dating. Edited March 27, 2010 by gypsy_nicky
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I'm not saying lie to the other person (though I do), I'm saying don't rub it in their face. Don't talk about it. If they ask, tell 'em, but you shouldn't be having any discussions about it. They certainly shouldn't be *meeting* each other for god's sake. You can say, "I love seeing you, but I'm not ready to settle down with any one person right now" and that should BE IT. That's their cue to stop asking about it. They shouldn't know how many others you're seeing, their names, their locations, and you shouldn't allude to them and you should do your best to keep those worlds separate, for everyone's sake.Since we were all neighbors, it was inevitable. As for non-disclosure, I once again, vehemently disagree. As for not disclosing details about the other person, this I agree but there's also no need to be totally ambiguous. You can say "Yes, I'm dating others" and leave it at that. One thing is, that you need to reread Tigress's opening post clearly, I don't see that she divulged very much except to say she was seeing someone else on the weekend.
JustJoe Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 But Tigress, I f you don't try to find somebody who creates sparks with you, and settle for a steady, sure relationship. What will happen in the future when that "sparks", guy comes along?
paddington bear Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I disagree with the OP, I think multi-dating did you good. Men are competetive creatures, and it stops you getting focused on one guy who may or may not commit or fall for you. Now one has stated his interest, the multi-dating has served its purpose and you can stop.
EasyHeart Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I think some people are missing the point of "multidating" -- it's supposed to be a temporary situation, not a lifestyle. If you're single, you date as many people as you can until you meet someone who you want to be exclusive with. After you date someone a few times, you decide if you want to keep dating them and become exclusive, and if you don't, you tell them "I don't think this is going anywhere". It's pretty mean to lead someone on if you know things aren't going anywhere. Men and women are designed to be in one-on-one relationships. If you just want to constantly date as many people as you can, that's not multidating, it's wanting to have a harem. And it's a pretty crappy way to treat other people.
spookie Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 personally, i dont see anything wrong with multi-dating, but where does one find all those men? i have always dated within my social circle, which has generally meant i had to choose just one guy, and stick with him, since i couldnt later date all of his friends. also, for the people who multi_date, where do u find the time? between a job, hobbies, working out, studying, and other social commitments, i find i dont have time to date even one person, not to mention finding and dating others.
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