tigressA Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Last night I was with the guy I've been casually seeing over the last few months. He asked me about my weekend and I said it was good--he knew I was meeting someone else. I could tell he wanted to say more, so I asked him point-blank: "Are you...okay with how things are right now? I get the feeling that you're not." He admitted feeling uncomfortable all the way back to D.C. guy in late December/early January, and that this last weekend was the impetus to finally get him to open his mouth. He said, "I don't really want this thing with us to continue if you're going to keep seeing other guys. I noticed recently that you were encouraging me to meet other girls, but really, with my schedule, I don't have the time. And since I started seeing you I don't really want to anyway." I said, "I understand" and hugged him. I felt like I had a revelation--like here's this great guy who's been there the whole time and I haven't truly been paying attention. It made me realize that multidating has done me more harm than good. It made me consistently vulnerable to the greener pastures concept. Someone's boring you? That's cool, dump them, on to the next. It's about keeping your options open, always thinking that things could be a little better, instead of working at and improving what you already have. I'm done with multidating. I realized it's just not for me. I'm going to give myself the rest of this week, and next week, to regroup and I'm going to suggest he do the same. I think it would be good for both of us. I'm not sure what will happen after, but whatever it is, it'll be for the best. 1
silic0ntoad Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Yeah, I've always been against multi dating. It's never really about who matches you best, because honestly, you never get to focus on one person, since everything gets all blurred. Good realisation. Hopefully it all pans out. 1
sagetalk Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Someone's boring you? That's cool, dump them, on to the next. This is such a dumb reason to dumb someone. Not attracted to them, cheated on you, they treat you bad, all good reasons. Occasionally getting bored with someone is not one of them. The more you see someone, the harder it will be for things to be exciting all the time. Their are far better ways to access someone's worth to you other than they are boring you. Players are never boring, but most would agree they are not good for you at all.
DustySaltus Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 What is there for him to clear his head about? He made his intentions known. I think it's just up to you to figure out whether or not he's someone you can see yourself in a relationship with.
Author tigressA Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 True, he doesn't have to figure out anything in regards to me. I didn't include the fact that he's been having a lot of family issues--his oldest brother has been abusing drugs on and off for years, and there's been another crisis with that just within the last few days. He mentioned last night that he's been feeling a little detached from his family since seeing me, and I figure giving us time apart will give him some time to reconnect.
dreamergrl Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Just a question... Did you come to this conclusion after you stopped hearing from the other guy?
Author tigressA Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 This is such a dumb reason to dumb someone. Not attracted to them, cheated on you, they treat you bad, all good reasons. Occasionally getting bored with someone is not one of them. The more you see someone, the harder it will be for things to be exciting all the time. Their are far better ways to access someone's worth to you other than they are boring you. Players are never boring, but most would agree they are not good for you at all. And I am fully aware that's a dumb reason to dump someone--I was using it as an example to explain how detrimental multidating can be to someone's perspective on relationships. It allows for those dumb reasons to become more legit. Does that make sense?
Author tigressA Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Just a question... Did you come to this conclusion after you stopped hearing from the other guy? It was the ultimatum itself that made me come to this conclusion. There were other people I had been seeing while I was seeing this guy, as well. Conveniently enough, he said all this to me just last night, as I said in my original post. Got to hand it to this guy for timing.
sagetalk Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 And I am fully aware that's a dumb reason to dump someone--I was using it as an example to explain how detrimental multidating can be to someone's perspective on relationships. It allows for those dumb reasons to become more legit. Does that make sense? I agree, I was just emphasizing your point.
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I'm happy you posted this. I've never multi-dated, and have been told by some people who are close to me that I should and there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I don't have any moral objections to doing it, but when I consider myself doing it there's something in my gut that just won't let me. Your post encourages me to keep listening to that feeling.
paleblue Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It made me realize that multidating has done me more harm than good. It made me consistently vulnerable to the greener pastures concept. keeping your options open, always thinking that things could be a little better, exactly......... ding ding ding. 500 points!!! this is the down side to multi dating. just dont know when to stop!
dreamergrl Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It was the ultimatum itself that made me come to this conclusion. There were other people I had been seeing while I was seeing this guy, as well. Conveniently enough, he said all this to me just last night, as I said in my original post. Got to hand it to this guy for timing. So what if the other guy calls? What if he had called before this was all brought up? I think part of it is that you feel burned in the aspect that this guy in this thread feels.
alphamale Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It made me realize that multidating has done me more harm than good. yea multidating is generally a bad idea
sally4sara Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Multidating doesn't work for prolonged periods. It becomes a $4it or get off the pot situation. I multidated and it was fine. You go out a couple times with this guy, out a couple times with that guy, if after a couple dates you just don't feel anything, you just stop dating them. And really, some of them you don't want to see an hour after you meet up with them! But if you do feel something after a couple dates, you stick around and there is no point in accepting other dates. I get the feeling sometimes that multidating comes off like you have a bunch of SOs. Maybe it is for some? Not for me. It was more like making friends with an open option for possibility.
alphamale Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Multidating doesn't work for prolonged periods. It becomes a $4it or get off the pot situation. indeed s4s, after a certain age it just gets too hard to juggle all those warm bodies
xpaperxcutx Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 So who is this guy again? Tigress, I think you should start labeling guys A,B, and/or C so I can differentiate...lol I think multidating is for the extremely abled. That means they can completely forego the mentality to put their eggs in one basket. I did the Multidating thing but stepped back after all because it does get tiring trying to juggle guy A or B or C. I guess it works for a while if there are no expectations, but when you're looking for an LTR and not just fun, you do have to set some sort of expectation of the sort of guy you want to date long term.
Pizzaman81 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 For those who followed my previous thread about multidating, this same thing happened to me. The girl gave me an ultimatum. I stopped seeing her. That was a while back... I stopped this multi-dating business though. Waste of time.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 So what if the other guy calls? What if he had called before this was all brought up? I think part of it is that you feel burned in the aspect that this guy in this thread feels. I have dignity; I'm not going to heave it out the window for a guy who can't even be bothered to return a phone call promptly. He lost his chance with me by pulling this classless vanishing act. Period. In regard to the other posts--I agree with paleblue and s4s especially. There was a sort of addictive quality to multidating after not too long. I actually felt a "Are you SURE you want to do this?" twinge in the process of deleting my OKCupid account. But I feel a lot better after having done it. And as I said, I have no immediate plans to become exclusive with the guy I mentioned in my original post. I saw him earlier tonight, told him I needed time to regroup--a hiatus, and he accepted that.
JustJoe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I would disagree with this post, multi-dating has always been very good to me. It has allowed me to meet and get acquainted with women I would never have known if I only dated one person at a time. I'm a big boy, and have no problem differentiating between them and knowing whether or not there is a possibility of a LTR with any of them. I also disagree with the whole "hiatus", concept. Tigress, you said in your post that multi-dating kept you from appreciating what you already have, and working to make it better. Doesn't a "hiatus", do the same thing? Instead of working on your issues, you are sweeping them under the rug, so to speak. JMO.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 I also disagree with the whole "hiatus", concept. Tigress, you said in your post that multi-dating kept you from appreciating what you already have, and working to make it better. Doesn't a "hiatus", do the same thing? Instead of working on your issues, you are sweeping them under the rug, so to speak. JMO. I suggested it primarily because doing the whole multidating thing just kind of drained me, and left me confused about what I really wanted. Again, while the ultimatum was the impetus for me to see what I have in front of me--I'm still not totally sure of what I want. Giving myself a little time alone, no dates, nothing of that nature, is going to help me figure that out.
JustJoe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I understand, Tigress. I had thought that you and the guy were already in a relationship. It is sometimes very helpful to pull back from people and work on your own agenda, without the dating angst.
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Nope, we were never in a relationship. I have been seeing him consistently for the last several months--he was the second guy I met, when I started my multidating exploits in early December. You could say we've been in an "open" relationship, though we never described our situation as such.
JustJoe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 By "open relationship", does that mean that there are no "sparks", between you?
Author tigressA Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 By "open relationship", does that mean that there are no "sparks", between you? Well, the way I've heard open relationship defined is as a relationship wherein the both of you are free to see other people, so I suppose with how long the two of us have been seeing each other, some may have put us in that category. That's a good question, though--one I'm struggling with now. From when I met him, I was always very fond of him, but never totally GAGA, if you know what I mean. And with the other guys it was different. Sparks all over, immediately, but then soon after they would burn out, in the same fashion--turned out they didn't want what I wanted, and they either told me so, or just vanished. I wonder if it's just better to be with someone who you do really like and can see yourself with, but aren't totally crazy about, who wants what you want as far as dating/relationships go. I wonder if it's possible to find someone who I am totally crazy about, who is totally crazy about me, and also wants what I want. I am not delusional, however; I know that feeling doesn't last even close to forever, and I don't expect it to.
venus-blue Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I learned early on that beginning a new relationship with "I don't want to see one person, or I don't want a relationship, etc...." always leads to someone getting hurt. Multi-dating is for 18-20 year olds, not for mature adults. It is best to be true with yourself about why you seek relationships. Is it really just for sex? Then multi-dating is at worst a health risk as long as the other people are in it for the same reason. But if you date for intimacy/the possibility of a family you need to consider that you are keeping people at a distance by not dedicating yourself to them or letting them go. It is unfair to expect a potential mate to share you with others intimately. True intimacy cannot be achieved without trust and nobody wants to be second to someone else. People are not replaceable.
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