yuengling Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I've spent numerous hours reading other ppl's stories or here. I'm looking for some advice. My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 yrs. We have 2 young daughters (5 & 3). 2 yrs ago my wife saw a topless picture on my cell phone of a co-worker. she was convinced I had an affair, which I didn't. But anyway, she tells me that this is the day she lost the feeling of being in love with me. She never told me this until 2 months ago! I found out she was having an Emotional affair on Facebook. yea, Facebook strikes again.... She told me this man made her feel special, happy, and she enjoyed the deep connection they developed. She swears to me nothing physical would ever happen. She is not physically attracted to him. W agrees to stop the affair, she's going to IC. A few weeks go by, W confesses she's still talking to the OM. Says she's confused doesn't know where her head is at. Calls the OM and tells him she can no longer talk to him. a few more weeks go by, Things slowly getting better btwn us. We're going out more, loving eachother more. This affair was like a bad wake up call, it made me realize that we have neglected eachother for awhile now. with 2 young kids you kinda get stuck in parent mode. Which brings me to last week. I find out she's been TXT'ing & talking to the OM Multiple times a day. She INSISTS they are JUST FRIENDS. They share alot of common life events, she again insists nothing is going on. she feels bad that their friendship crossed the line into an emotional affair. She says that will NEVER happen again. I tell her out of respect for me, if you truly want this marriage to work, you Cannot talk to him! So, now I don't trust her AT ALL she wants to go out with her friends, I question her, she gets mad and says "You're not my dad" "My whole Life I've been controlled, It's not going to happen again" So, here I am. She thinks we should be separated for a few months. So she can see get her head straight. she still feels resentment toward me for that picture she saw 2 yrs ago and I make her feel guilty by always asking questions. In a way I feel a separation would be good. But sometimes I think she just wants to be separated to see how this other relationship would work out. Not sure what to do....
new_soul Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 My friend, your wife is not only texting and having an emmotional affair. I think she is definitely having a physical affair. I am sorry to tell you that. The only reason why she is bringing the incident with the picture is to justify her actions. She is asking you for a break because she wants to see how things work out with this new man. I was in the same situation as you, I would say let her go and just cut all contacts with her and make sure you let her know that she is f**cked up for lying to you. Don't try to contact her at all, I gurantee you she will try to get back with you once things don't workout between her and the other guy.
seibert253 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Your marriage with NEVER heal until the OM is COMPLETELY out of the picture. End of story. You need to give her a semi ultimatium/choice. Here's an example of what I used, worked for me: Your continued contact with "X" is hurting me to the core. I do and will not approve of ANY contact with him. As your H, I am hurt and feel disrespected by your actions. Your continued contact with him gives me question as to your level of committment and love for me and our marriage. I feel that any continued contact with "X" is not allowing both of us to fully focus on repairing our marriage and healing. I cannot heal, when you continue to have any contact with the man you were engaged in an affair with. You are an adult, and I cannot force you to do or not do anything. But, if you will not honor a committment to NC with "X", then IMO you're not fully committed to our Marriage. I cannot remain married to a W who is not fully committed to me and our marriage. I gave my W one week to decide. I made it crystal clear, OM or me, she couldn't have both. It was all or nothing. For you, I feel you need to do the same. Give her a choice, but make it clear what the consequences will be. Stay strong and good luck Oh, by the way, read up on the 180 and start right now. You need to begin healing, and she needs to see you detacting and get a glimpse of what life will be like without you.
seibert253 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, seperate. That's her ticket for "trying on" the OM for size. Pretty classic of a foggy spouse; seperate, try out the OP, keep the BS on the side as a back up, then decide which they like better. You deserve better than that. Tell her. If you seperate, you're filing for D. Plain and simple. As I said before, it's all or nothing. It's her choice, but you hold all the cards.
Author yuengling Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Thanks for the reply's. right now we are giving eachother space. We're still in the same house. Just not talking about our problems. I guess I'm just letting things cool down for a little. I'll keep you guys posted...
Disintegration Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I'm just a little curious as to why you had a topless picture of a co-worker on your cell phone to begin with.
seibert253 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Thanks for the reply's. right now we are giving eachother space. We're still in the same house. Just not talking about our problems. I guess I'm just letting things cool down for a little. I'll keep you guys posted... Y, space and time to cool down are OK, but I wouldn't wait too long. If you guys want to take time, she should agree to NC at least while she's "thinking" about what she wants to do. NC will give her a clearer mind, not deluted by the OM.' It's an addiction my friend, she's not thinking straight and will not while the OM is in the picture. You know ignoring the problem and "hoping" she comes around will not work. Deep down inside she wants a strong man willing to fight for her. Show and tell her that. There's gonna come a time when you have to stand for youself, put your foot down, and tell her enough is enough. She's gonna have to choose.
JaneDoe35 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Like Disintegration I am curious to know why you had a topless photo of a female co-worker on your phone......
Gunny376 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) You need to go to her and tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Up to and including if you had sex with the co-worker. And then man-up and take what may come as a man! If that means divorce? So be it! Its not so much that you cheated on her, put her at risk for STD's, as you betrayed her trust in you? She's B!tch testing you to see if your a real man worthy of her love and devotion? You can't fault her for that? Edited March 25, 2010 by Gunny376
JaneDoe35 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Exactly Gunny!!!! He can't just make out that the naked photo was nothing....she is not stupid. Y - has your wife ever had a photo of a partially naked co-worker on her phone?
Author yuengling Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Back story about the topless photo.... A few years back I had a Job that required A LOT of travel. I was out of town from Monday-Friday. I traveled with 4 guys and 1 girl. This Girl was more like one the the guys. We all had separate rooms at our hotels but would often get together afterward for a drink or two and a dip in the pool or hottub. I would often send my wife pictures of us in the hottub. I didn't think anything was wrong with what I was doing. Then the girl we worked with decided to go out and get breast implants. Like I said, she was just like one of the guys.... we joked around a lot with her, we all flirted with her, was it wrong? looking back, Yes it was.... I think this girl just loved the attention. well, we talked her into sending us a picture of her new implants. Well, I never deleted the picture. two years ago wife sees it and can't help but think I was having an affair with this girl while I was away and she was home pregnant with our first child. She says she still holds resentment toward me for what I did. I admit it was wrong... I no longer have any contact with this girl... About the separation... My wife and I had a nice talk lastnight. She still thinks we need a break. She says staying together right now is not helping because I keep bringing up this OM. Every time she's txt'ing or talking to her friends or when she goes out I'm always asking her a million questions. I'm smothering her I do see it. She Insists that out of respect for me she is NOT going to talk with this OM. She also admits the EA was wrong she's sorry that ever happend and stressed to me that there is NO connection to this OM other than a friend. I do believe her. She also says her feeling have changed she doesn't know why they changed, she feels like she doesn't know what she wants in life. Her Counselor is helping her deal with her issues. She tells me she wants to "Miss me" I do believe maybe a little time apart will do us good. and I also beleive once we're apart we'll both realize how much we mean to eachother.
lkjh Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Sorry man but she is already cheating and probably physical. She brought up the separation thing because in her mind it gives her a chance to be with the OM and "not actually cheat". She can pull the "we were on a break" line. She has told you before that she would stop talking to the OM and she hasn't and now she is turning the tables on you. She does not care about that picture, she is just using it to justify her actions. Tell her flat out that this is about her cheating and that is why you don't trust her. Tell that if she talks to him one more time it is over for good. Tell her if you two separate its over for good and mean all of this. Also, start snooping because you can be sure that there is more to the story
John Who Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Goodluck,EA are as strong as PA if not stronger you seem like you really love her and want to work on your M,I hope it works out. Her wanting to have time apart could mean she wants to see how things are with the OM,who knows. My advice to you fight for your family,but do not smother her,if she is going to contact OM she will do it either way.
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