My dinner/"booty call" conclusion

[St. Nick]

I agree with the jist of the post and certainly the intention behind it. And especially, St.Nick, I'm glad you ask how dating is for 30+ women. I'm 34 and I can assure you, there are just as many available quality men at this age as there were when I was 20. Plus, the great thing is, we've all benefited from years of maturity. As to men's willingness to "jump through hoops", I for one believe I shouldn't have to make a man jump through hoops to prove his love for me. He either does or he doesn't. Best I can do is be myself. I never have problems getting men to commit for relationships, precisely because I respect my boundaries, know I have a lot to offer, and don't play needless games. And as I aged, I stopped trying to meet my perception of men's expectations of "women's sexuality" and have sex at my own pace, when I am ready, because it is pleasurable to me and a part of how I express attraction. In other words, I haven't gotten easier - it takes me longer to open up sexually to guy. Instead of causing problems, this has made my love life way easier and steamier.

 

So Marsle, live your life: you are already getting experience. Not need to accelerate the process! And, when you have a good head on your shoulders, dating doesn't get harder, it gets easier!

I compare the dating game to basketball. A woman owns the ball and the court, and thus set the rules accordingly. When she's young, there a lot of men who want to play on her court and by her rules. When she's mature she still owns the ball and the court, and she still sets the rules, but there considerably fewer guys who want to play than when she was young.

 

You said there are as many available quality guys now that you're 34 as there were when you were younger. I wouldn't be surpised if that was true. I'm just saying that a lot fewer of those dudes are still after you. But hey, I could be wrong, and you know more about yourself than I do. It might be true there are just as many men willing to commit today as yesterday, but what about tomorrow? I highly doubt that when you reach 40 and above things will still be the same.

 

So yeah, live your life, marsle. Just remember, for most women they notice there are considerably fewer guys chasing them when they get into their 30s than when they were in their 20s. Think about it.

[dazzle22]

From what you wrote, sounds like you have absorbed a lot of advice and most people don't do that. They stay stuck in their broken record groove.

 

This applies for ALL people: Do not trust ANYONE TOO SOON. Don't give away precious parts of yourself - your emotions, trust, your body to people who have not shown they are deserving of it.

 

Frankly, most of the random people I meet are not worth my time or interest and that is the god honest truth. That can be girlfriends, plumbers, your garage mechanic, romantic interests, colleagues at work.. In my life everyone I haven't known for several years is in the "trial rent to own" category." Many people are flaky, two-faced, narcissistic, selfish, and hide their true intentions well. So you have to "vet" them. (Hopefully no Pollyanna's will try to refute this).! Haha.

 

I never act "impressed" with anyone when I first meet them. Some of the biggest charmers with the best first impression are the practiced cads and players. I give virtually nothing to people till they have proved they are worthy of my time, attention and energy. I give off the air, "well, I like what I've seen so far, but we'll just have to see.....if you are worth moving into the friend orbit....". Actually makes people flock to you in droves, ironically. I constantly have people around me trying to impress me, not the other way round...

 

Another thing I've learned is that at least 60% of all the people who will mean anything to you at age 50 you haven't even MET yet at your age, so don't sweat it. A lot of these guys are just "practice"...

[marsle85]

I hope you've truly learned that the way you view yourself and your actions is not always in tune with how others view you. It's good to have a little humility and realize someone else's point of view could be wiser than your own.

 

I find this very ironic coming from you, considering I have behaved very well in that regard... especially with your posts. I'm not even intending this to come off maliciously, I mean it. While I read your grain of salt, I read them, and understand many may share your opinion.

 

And to me, naivity isn't always the worst thing in the world. Everything has a balance, and while I need to learn (like I acknowledged) I am genuine. Genuinity goes a far way with the right people and in some ways is stemmed from being a little naive.

 

I know i'm young, and you undoubtedly have experienced so much more than I have- I find it foolish to read my post and mock me. You may find it hilarious that I take a step back, and say to myself: "i'm special" but it works. I can let the load off my back and trust in the universe. Maybe my way is naive. Maybe it's ignorant... but without these youthful and possibly foolish aspects, your view of the world is always through sunglasses: dark, aged and cruel.

 

What i'm saying is that there's a balance. Maybe as much as I need to buckle up and take a real hard look at things, you need to take off your shades and look for novelty, brightness and a little frivolity. Afterall, It's good to have a little humility and realize someone else's point of view could be wiser than your own.

[sagetalk]

 

1. Fortunately, my self-esteem isn't really an issue (haha)

 

2. Next time, unless I want to have sex- I need to keep my clothes on.

 

3. Slow DOWN. Great things come with time. There is no rush. Don't show all of your cards. And don't invest so much, so soon! My heart and brain is more valuable than my body... so I need to be careful when I share that, too.

 

4. Ultimately, to not hold tight to someone who is willing to let you go. All of this struggle, investment, thinking and affection should be directed to those who refuse to let me go

 

5. Because I'm great, and so are all of you.

 

1. If I am wrong, then great, but be careful. Low self esteem can be one of the most damaging things in your life. Know your worth and respect yourself and the people that love you. When you dislike/cheapen yourself, it not only hurts you, but it hurts the ones that love you just as bad.

 

2. Good idea.

 

3. Yes, and becoming sexual with someone is investing in the relationship heavily. The earlier you do it, the more risk you are taking on of getting hurt badly.

 

4. There is nothing wrong with people who let you go for the right reasons, sometimes it must be done in dating. Also, be aware of people who hold onto you for the wrong reasons.

 

5. I wouldn't bother giving you advice if I didn't think you were worth it. You are young and have not completely screwed up your life. You have a chance to make good decisions, I hope and pray that you take hold of your youth and make an effort to avoid the bad choices that so many people make when they are young.

[threebyfate]

Ladies, St. Nick's comments are all control statements. They're seriously not worth defending. If it gives him security to create a fictional world, allow him his fantasy.

[Kamille]

I think there is wisdom in every point of view. I am a point of view democrat ! That doesn't mean I have to agree with every point of view, but I generally try to understand and respect where people are coming from.

[BobSacamento]

It still find this truly hirlarious.

 

I guess it's because I can relate somewhat to this situation. When it boils right down to it, the majority of the time I have no clue what I'm doing. I just wing it.

[St. Nick]

I find this very ironic coming from you, considering I have behaved very well in that regard... especially with your posts. I'm not even intending this to come off maliciously, I mean it. While I read your grain of salt, I read them, and understand many may share your opinion.

 

And to me, naivity isn't always the worst thing in the world. Everything has a balance, and while I need to learn (like I acknowledged) I am genuine. Genuinity goes a far way with the right people and in some ways is stemmed from being a little naive.

 

I know i'm young, and you undoubtedly have experienced so much more than I have- I find it foolish to read my post and mock me. You may find it hilarious that I take a step back, and say to myself: "i'm special" but it works. I can let the load off my back and trust in the universe. Maybe my way is naive. Maybe it's ignorant... but without these youthful and possibly foolish aspects, your view of the world is always through sunglasses: dark, aged and cruel.

 

What i'm saying is that there's a balance. Maybe as much as I need to buckle up and take a real hard look at things, you need to take off your shades and look for novelty, brightness and a little frivolity. Afterall, It's good to have a little humility and realize someone else's point of view could be wiser than your own.

Oh...my...freaking...GAWD....!

 

Ya wanna know the reason why I was so harsh? It's cuz you're obviously spoiled. I know many (too many) young women like you who have been pampered all their lives by friends and family to think they are "special" and "angels" and "princesses". They're so used to spoiling you that you believe it. This explains why you're so naive you think a guy is afraid to hear the world "period" so you say "I can't" and expect him to read minds. Are you seriously going to tell me you haven't been pampered? Yeah right, your whole posts screams it.

 

You consider my posts harsh merely because you're not used to people being direct, blunt, and criticising your behavior. All throughout this thread people have been trying to pet you and say, "It's okay, marsle, it's his fault, not your fault. You just didn't know how to act; lots of girls your age are naive like you. Don't worry, princess, you can never do anything wrong", and I was one of the few dudes who kept it real. The only reason why I look like the bad guy is cuz I wasn't kissing your butt and calling you "special".

 

Something to note, there are a lot of women who are pampered throughout their lives. When they're in their early 20s it's okay, but when they start getting into their late 20s it's pathetic. I know a lot of jaded ice queens who were pampered when they were young, but when they got older the pampering had to stop and they didn't know how to deal with it. As a result, their older, more bitter, and they even age faster than women who weren't as pampered. Hopefully, that won't be where you end up.

[marsle85]

I have been relentlessly patient with your posts, however this crosses a line. You have no idea where I come from or what kind of lifestyle I have. Stay on topic.

[CLC2008]

I agree with the jist of the post and certainly the intention behind it. And especially, St.Nick, I'm glad you ask how dating is for 30+ women. I'm 34 and I can assure you, there are just as many available quality men at this age as there were when I was 20. Plus, the great thing is, we've all benefited from years of maturity. As to men's willingness to "jump through hoops", I for one believe I shouldn't have to make a man jump through hoops to prove his love for me. He either does or he doesn't. Best I can do is be myself. I never have problems getting men to commit for relationships, precisely because I respect my boundaries, know I have a lot to offer, and don't play needless games. And as I aged, I stopped trying to meet my perception of men's expectations of "women's sexuality" and have sex at my own pace, when I am ready, because it is pleasurable to me and a part of how I express attraction. In other words, I haven't gotten easier - it takes me longer to open up sexually to guy. Instead of causing problems, this has made my love life way easier and steamier.

 

So Marsle, live your life: you are already getting experience. Not need to accelerate the process! And, when you have a good head on your shoulders, dating doesn't get harder, it gets easier!

 

Good points Kamille. St. Nick is a d*ck. Ok ok, that was really juvenile of me but we're allowed from time to time .

 

In any case, dating does get easier in the sense that you don't put as many expectations into it. I think those who have been in a serious relationship or two, also learn more about themselves. I will always disagree with abiding by societies standards as far as what is acceptable, and what's not, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be selective.

 

Selective being the key word. If you feel disrespected, or you are being disrespecting, draw your line and stand firm. Despite a lot of the negativity in this world, I will always believe in mankind and that there are plenty of good, honest people out there. And those are the types of people you want to surround yourself with. Men and women will come and go, but your friends, family, your health, are what's most important.

 

Carry on dudes and dudettes!

[dazzle22]

She's not pampered, she is young, and NICE, and trusting, and that of course, in this cruel nasty world is what gets you beat up and used and discarded. But don't worry, she is smart, and she will learn and become someone like the other women posters here who see the world's users and players for who they really are.

 

I think she is starting to see from the situation she was in how to play her card game more expertly, because the "love game" out there, before you find someone you can trust and love, is like a big nasty Vegas casino with every kind of user player type trying to sit next to you and play the game with you.

[threebyfate]

St. Nick's got some serious baggage and insecurities, that he's projecting onto marsle and other women. With this in mind, how seriously can you take him? He's going to have to fix himself first, before he can provide healthy advice to anyone.

[sagetalk]

 

1. I was one of the few dudes who kept it real. The only reason why I look like the bad guy is cuz I wasn't kissing your butt and calling you "special".

 

Your ignorance is so profound I hardly even know what to say. Being kind to someone has nothing to do with kissing their butt, you write like a 20 year old trying to get a girl in the sack. What is your purpose for even writing in this thread? To prove to everyone what a man you are by not kissing women's butts?

[BobSacamento]

I have been relentlessly patient with your posts, however this crosses a line. You have no idea where I come from or what kind of lifestyle I have. Stay on topic.

 

I wouldn't take it personal. I bet Mr. Nick has been the dude in your scenario a few times so now he feels obligated to take it out on you. To me he sounds a bit rapey to be totally honest. Something about going on a tirade when a woman says "no".

[A O]

:oI have learned:

 

1. The only "expectations" that exist are your own. People will respond and treat you how you let them treat you.

 

2. Men view sex differently. I never thought of myself as a tease because I knew my intentions were almost always rooted from the right reason... but that's not how I was being interpreted. Next time, unless I want to have sex- I need to keep my clothes on.

 

3. Slow DOWN. Great things come with time. There is no rush. Don't show all of your cards. And don't invest so much, so soon! My heart and brain is more valuable than my body... so I need to be careful when I share that, too.

 

4. The very best people in my life have made considerable efforts to be there. They treat me SO well, and love me consistently. They respect me, appreciate me and I'm allowed to be imperfect: say no, and love openly. It's easy to lose perpective, but I am so fortunate! I'm okay. I'm successful, intuitive and loving. I am so lucky to be ALIVE and healthy. This? This is petty stuff.

 

Ultimately, to not hold tight to someone who is willing to let you go. All of this struggle, investment, thinking and affection should be directed to those who refuse to let me go

 

Because I'm great, and so are all of you. And life and love is complex and daunting, but if romantic love is anything like the honestly, overwhelming and sweet love I share with my friends and family? I'm in. I can wait.

Sweet and flowery but ultimately, most of this has neither hindered you here nor will help you land a guy or a relationship.

 

Simply put, you've gotta know what you want and be willing to express that or live by it. Your single biggest problem here is your 'go with the flow' attitude which is basically double speak for an inability to understand or express what you really want. It's no wonder that your world is full of frustration and uncertainty. And that won't change if all you've learnt here is the above!

 

 

.

[MalachiX]

I wouldn't take it personal. I bet Mr. Nick has been the dude in your scenario a few times so now he feels obligated to take it out on you. To me he sounds a bit rapey to be totally honest. Something about going on a tirade when a woman says "no".

 

OMG! You've just invented my new favorite adjective.

 

"Hey Bob, wanna grab some lunch?"

 

"Sure Janet, but I should warn you I'm feeling a bit rapey today."

[marsle85]

Sweet and flowery but ultimately, most of this has neither hindered you here nor will help you land a guy or a relationship.

 

Simply put, you've gotta know what you want and be willing to express that or live by it. Your single biggest problem here is your 'go with the flow' attitude which is basically double speak for an inability to understand or express what you really want. It's no wonder that your world is full of frustration and uncertainty. And that won't change if all you've learnt here is the above!

 

 

.

 

Well, what am I missing?

[dazzle22]

I don't think you are missing anything other than experience, and only age and time can give you that. You can, however, see what older women have learned about the world of men, and not make the same mistakes we did. The bird of hope still lives in our hearts, but it has been "plucked" and beaten up a bit by life's hard lessons.

[A O]

Well, what am I missing?

You're missing the ability to communicate, its really that simple. And until you learn to do this, then everything else you've learnt here won't count for much.

 

.

[SarahRose]

I think the issue here is based on the limited romantic experience I do have. Fortunately, my self-esteem isn't really an issue (haha), but now I can apply what I've gathered to future relations. This whole ordeal was actually helpful.

 

:oI have learned:

 

1. The only "expectations" that exist are your own. People will respond and treat you how you let them treat you.

 

2. Men view sex differently. I never thought of myself as a tease because I knew my intentions were almost always rooted from the right reason... but that's not how I was being interpreted. Next time, unless I want to have sex- I need to keep my clothes on.

 

3. Slow DOWN. Great things come with time. There is no rush. Don't show all of your cards. And don't invest so much, so soon! My heart and brain is more valuable than my body... so I need to be careful when I share that, too.

 

4. The very best people in my life have made considerable efforts to be there. They treat me SO well, and love me consistently. They respect me, appreciate me and I'm allowed to be imperfect: say no, and love openly. It's easy to lose perpective, but I am so fortunate! I'm okay. I'm successful, intuitive and loving. I am so lucky to be ALIVE and healthy. This? This is petty stuff.

 

Ultimately, to not hold tight to someone who is willing to let you go. All of this struggle, investment, thinking and affection should be directed to those who refuse to let me go

 

Because I'm great, and so are all of you. And life and love is complex and daunting, but if romantic love is anything like the honestly, overwhelming and sweet love I share with my friends and family? I'm in. I can wait.

 

I think you got it!

 

xx

[skydiveaddict]

Whatever happened to a man just acting like a gentleman and respecting her wishes/boundaries? So she gets invited over for dinner. Now suddenly this is a contract for sex? I dont get it

[pureinheart]

That's true if the guy feels she is "the one".. If this girl has sex, or doesn't have sex, either way she is not "the one". Women cannot use sex to manipulate a man into loving them.

 

Dating is easy for women.. CNN just had a study about how much larger the "pursuit" seciton of the male brain is, coupled with 2.5 times more testosterone.. If he is NOT pursuing you, he DOES NOT WANT YOU. If you pursue him, at most you will get some sex..

 

I'm sure that there are some women who use sex as a form of manipulation...I don't, it's just the way I am, what I choose....

 

This is interesting, thanks for interjecting this...sometimes the reason for the pursuit is for sex....

 

For me, it's just a choice not to have sex, then if it doesn't work I can walk away without feeling used, and I just feel better about me...

 

Dating may be easy for some women, but I hate dating...OMG, so many rules! In fact I don't date at all, too much energy...the right one will come when the time is right ....I really appreciate your reply BTW, quite thoughtful and respectful...thanks....

[BobSacamento]

Whatever happened to a man just acting like a gentleman and respecting her wishes/boundaries? So she gets invited over for dinner. Now suddenly this is a contract for sex? I dont get it

 

If he was a gentleman he wouldn't have propositioned her like that. Open your eyes.

[troggleputty]

Well, what am I missing?

 

If he still hasn't responded to your invitation to go horseback riding, he's "just not that into you."

 

His loss. Time to move on.

 

I'm telling you, go out with your friends a few times, meet some new people, in two weeks you won't even remember why you even cared about this particular guy.

 

20. So young.

[marsle85]

He sent a pretty vague message saying "I'd like to... but my schedule is crazzzy coming up"...

 

I never responded.

 

As I've heard many say... Next!