My dinner/"booty call" conclusion

[Rearden Metal]

How do you suggest asking?

 

All you have to do is print out this thread and you'll have everything you need.

 

What I'm saying is, honesty is best. Lay in out:

 

A. I am really really into you!

B. I was conflicted about the meaning of this last date, seeked counsel and most advised to run with it.

C. the date was amazing! Thanks for dinner! I didn't intend to get so physical with you, but you are amazing and I couldn't help it!

D. I want to have sex with you but I'm concerned about what we mean to each other. I'd love some clarity about how you feel. F*ck buddies or are we bf/gf material?

E. I really did have my period. I know some guys don't mind but I was self conscious!

[BobSacamento]

Yes. I am laughing at all of your expense! Not only have I fooled him, but I've fooled everyone but Bob.

 

 

Seriously? I don't ENJOY wasting my time with this guy or this forum, and if your comments are only based on this sophisticated, cruel game- I promise you, you're wasting your own time.

 

I have/had no intention of playing with him.

 

And I started an entire HUGE thread prior to this on "Is this a booty call?" And THEN tried to move our date to an outdoors occasion.

 

How is that so hard to understand.

 

Either accept it or not, I wrote this post looking for assistance. Your advice doesn't apply to me because it's inaccurate. All I can tell you is the truth (anything else would hardly make any sense to write) and don't waste my or your time with comments that are not accurate.

 

Exactly my point. You had this HUGE thread about it, tried to change it to an outdoors occasion and yet you still went.

 

You need to accept it. You wanted the booty call. The only conclusion is that you feel ashamed for accepting a booty call.

 

I say do what you want and more power to you.

[calizaggy]

How do you suggest asking?

 

 

If you have to ask, generally speaking it is not a good sign..

[CLC2008]

I know this, and my post wasn't at all towards you, or anyone who gave an honest, genuine response to my question. I don't have to like what you say, but I expect readers to believe what I say is true- or else there is no reason for my activity here. Most of you HAVE provided me with a LOT of insight. Regardless of how this turns out- I have definitely learned a lot from this ordeal. It will never happen again, to the benefit of him and me. So I hope you know how gracious I am (to everyone who has shed some light on my situation) and thank you.

 

 

 

Yeah, typically a few weeks would pass before we consistently started texting every few days, etc. You make a good point. I'm going to take a deep breath and give him his space. As for his intentions- good question. I was definitely thinking that it's time for a somewhat serious talk as well, I'm just not sure how to go about it without coming off as crazy-chick who wants to tie him down. I just need to know his heart/rest of his body is in the right place.

 

Moreover, while I WANT to have sex with him - I'm starting to realize (over the last few days of reflection) that maybe it's not the best idea. If i'm upset that he hasn't texted me after a somewhat intimate night, am I going to be okay after intercourse? This is my situation. Call it wrong, right, whatever- this is how I feel. I can't do anything, or describe anything other than my honest thoughts/feelings on our relationship: I am not SURE that if we DO have sex, he will continue calling/texting/pursuing. If i'm not sure, (honest question) is it rational to have sex? Is that a bad idea for me?

 

And if not- how do I backtrack? I KNOW that I made a HUGE mistake, I know. I hate it, and I wish I DIDN'T. But I did. And I would like this relationship to be something. Will I come off as even more of a tease by being like: "Listen, about last night. I'm so attracted to you, so it's hard to keep my head on - but the deal is, I don't think I'm ready. I like what we're doing, I want to progress...but I know me, and I want to be honest with you."

 

Ah?

 

OP I didn't realize this was someone you heard from only once in a blue moon. I thought the two of you were actually dating, in frequent contact, etc., but it doesn't sound like that's the case afterall.

 

I don't think talking to him at this point will change the course of things all that much. If he gets in touch at some point and wants to go out and do something, then you cross that bridge when it comes and you can briefly talk about things then. Spend time with your friends, family, etc., and keep yourself busy, you'll be fine.

[St. Nick]

Moreover, while I WANT to have sex with him - I'm starting to realize (over the last few days of reflection) that maybe it's not the best idea. If i'm upset that he hasn't texted me after a somewhat intimate night, am I going to be okay after intercourse? This is my situation. Call it wrong, right, whatever- this is how I feel. I can't do anything, or describe anything other than my honest thoughts/feelings on our relationship: I am not SURE that if we DO have sex, he will continue calling/texting/pursuing. If i'm not sure, (honest question) is it rational to have sex? Is that a bad idea for me?

 

And if not- how do I backtrack? I KNOW that I made a HUGE mistake, I know. I hate it, and I wish I DIDN'T. But I did. And I would like this relationship to be something. Will I come off as even more of a tease by being like: "Listen, about last night. I'm so attracted to you, so it's hard to keep my head on - but the deal is, I don't think I'm ready. I like what we're doing, I want to progress...but I know me, and I want to be honest with you."

 

Ah?

Oh my God....OMG....Oh....em....gee...!

 

Peep this. This girl said she really liked this guy. She even emphasized how much she liked him by bolding it, "I really like this guy" and adding, "And I usually don't like guys this much." She was talking about how he swept her off her feet, how great he was, and she wanted to have sex with him bad. But now she no longer wants to become intimate, and she's not even appearing interested in him as a boyfriend. She did a complete 180, where did this come from?

 

You see why I said she was a sexually-repressed tease who is just using her period as an excuse? It's ridiculous how her desire for this guy can completely reverse overnight into withdrawal and lack of interest. When the posters came in and said, "Don't feel bad, you have every right to say stop whenever you want to. Who cares if he gets blueballs? It's not you, it's him. What are his intentions?" she now wants to her cue from that as an excuse to withdraw from him. What are his intentions? What the hell do you think they were? Let's run through the list of things he's done for her:

1. Paid for three dinners.

2. Cooked for her, bought her the wine she suggested.

3. Introduced her to his friends.

4. She shut him down during makeout, but he still let her stay a while longer, and didn't pressure her.

5. She texts him with her excuse, he's nice enough not to blast her or completely brush her off; instead he says something about, "still feeling the lovebites :)".

 

No dude goes through all that if he just wants a hookup. He's showing her to his friends, he's trying to wine and dine her, and he's not pressuring her for sex in any way. You'd have to be lying to say you don't think this indicates he wants something serious with her. He doesn't call everyday cuz he doesn't wanna appear desperate.

 

Her last post confirms that she's a sexually-repressed tease and her period was just a BS excuse. Desire doesn't just flip-flop into withdrawal overnight; especially if the guy hasn't done anything to push her away. She never wanted sex with him, but she's lying and trying to play the good girl, the innocent 20-year old who is totally cluess about her period, acts like she's clueless about this guy's intention, and giving any excuse to wiggle out of a relationship.

[stillafool]

What does the bolded mean to you? I didn't write that phrase for funsies.

 

 

 

Oh, I see what you mean.

[stillafool]

Marsale, I read that you have been on 4 dates with this young man which he paid. I think you should forget about the sex and invite him over for a homemade dinner. This will show him that you are very interested in him but just want to take it slow. Go all out in your preparation. Can you cook?

 

Word of advice: Don't ever take your top off to a man unless you are planning to have sex.

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with his friends in the other room (listening) and you on your period. (Owww, Ugh, Hawque)

Edited March 26, 2010 by stillafool
addition

[stillafool]

Moreover, while I WANT to have sex with him - I'm starting to realize (over the last few days of reflection) that maybe it's not the best idea. If i'm upset that he hasn't texted me after a somewhat intimate night, am I going to be okay after intercourse? This is my situation. Call it wrong, right, whatever- this is how I feel. I can't do anything, or describe anything other than my honest thoughts/feelings on our relationship: I am not SURE that if we DO have sex, he will continue calling/texting/pursuing. If i'm not sure, (honest question) is it rational to have sex? Is that a bad idea for me?

 

 

I don't think he would have ignored you and not called if the two of you had had sex. He probably was a bit pissed at you and is thinking he is wasting his time and money on you. That is why you need to step up and do something this time. Cook him dinner. I promise you this will charm his little heart. This will also be a good time to have "the talk" with him.

 

And if not- how do I backtrack? I KNOW that I made a HUGE mistake, I know. I hate it, and I wish I DIDN'T. But I did. And I would like this relationship to be something. Will I come off as even more of a tease by being like: "Listen, about last night. I'm so attracted to you, so it's hard to keep my head on - but the deal is, I don't think I'm ready. I like what we're doing, I want to progress...but I know me, and I want to be honest with you."

 

Ah?

 

 

It isn't too late to correct the problem and find out how he truly feels. Also if you like him don't play games just tell him you do. People spend too much time wondering when all they have to do is communicate.

[carhill]

Word of advice: Don't ever take your top off to a man unless you are planning to have sex.

 

Or he's a doctor and you're in his office for a physical Good advice.

 

Personally, I like the 'cook for him' idea, but, from reading here, it appears my perspective is a bit old-fashioned and outdated. Such 'traditional' dynamics seem to rarely happen anymore. Too bad, IMO.

[Els]

Or he's a doctor and you're in his office for a physical Good advice.

 

Personally, I like the 'cook for him' idea, but, from reading here, it appears my perspective is a bit old-fashioned and outdated. Such 'traditional' dynamics seem to rarely happen anymore. Too bad, IMO.

 

I certainly hope noone will say she shouldn't cook for him, just because it's traditional! Especially since he cooked for her in the first place. It'd be nice to reciprocate.

 

As long as it doesn't lead into a whole confusing mess again.

[carhill]

The problem, at least from my take of the readings here, is, now that the shirt's come off, she 'can't' put that genie back in the bottle. If she invites him over for dinner, that means sex. It wouldn't to me, but that's not what I'm reading here. Predominantly, posters are saying this revolves around the sexual dynamic and solely that. Can she prove that wrong? Unknown.

[stillafool]

If she invites him over for dinner, that means sex. It wouldn't to me, but that's not what I'm reading here.

 

Well it might lead to sex. But at least she will have a chance to have "the talk" before anything happens.

[carhill]

I hope she's up for that kind of clear communication. I'd certainly be receptive to it.

[marsle85]

Oh my God....OMG....Oh....em....gee...!

 

Peep this. This girl said she really liked this guy. She even emphasized how much she liked him by bolding it, "I really like this guy" and adding, "And I usually don't like guys this much." She was talking about how he swept her off her feet, how great he was, and she wanted to have sex with him bad. But now she no longer wants to become intimate, and she's not even appearing interested in him as a boyfriend. She did a complete 180, where did this come from?

 

You see why I said she was a sexually-repressed tease who is just using her period as an excuse? It's ridiculous how her desire for this guy can completely reverse overnight into withdrawal and lack of interest. When the posters came in and said, "Don't feel bad, you have every right to say stop whenever you want to. Who cares if he gets blueballs? It's not you, it's him. What are his intentions?" she now wants to her cue from that as an excuse to withdraw from him. What are his intentions? What the hell do you think they were? Let's run through the list of things he's done for her:

1. Paid for three dinners.

2. Cooked for her, bought her the wine she suggested.

3. Introduced her to his friends.

4. She shut him down during makeout, but he still let her stay a while longer, and didn't pressure her.

5. She texts him with her excuse, he's nice enough not to blast her or completely brush her off; instead he says something about, "still feeling the lovebites :)".

 

No dude goes through all that if he just wants a hookup. He's showing her to his friends, he's trying to wine and dine her, and he's not pressuring her for sex in any way. You'd have to be lying to say you don't think this indicates he wants something serious with her. He doesn't call everyday cuz he doesn't wanna appear desperate.

 

Her last post confirms that she's a sexually-repressed tease and her period was just a BS excuse. Desire doesn't just flip-flop into withdrawal overnight; especially if the guy hasn't done anything to push her away. She never wanted sex with him, but she's lying and trying to play the good girl, the innocent 20-year old who is totally cluess about her period, acts like she's clueless about this guy's intention, and giving any excuse to wiggle out of a relationship.

 

I do really like him! I said NO such thing about not wanting to date him. I do want to date him! That's exactly the problem- I want to date him, and I'm scared if I give it up too easily, he will lose interest. FOR THE LAST TIME, my period was NOT an excuse! I'm flip-floping about SEX because we hung out Tuesday and after very little conversation on Wednesday (which I initiated) I haven't heard anything from him.

 

I never intended to have sex with him, no. I thought it was too early. But after being with him that night, it all rushed so quickly and I found myself wanting it. I didn't know it was going to be attached to three + days of silence on his end.

 

He has never been super texty from the beginning.

 

The only things I worry about:

 

We started talking Jan 1st. How have we only had 4 dates. It's nearly FOUR MONTHS later!

 

Actually, after reading the remainder of your post... I AM reminded how well he's been treating me. And I suppose if someone who seems to have this deep resentment for me like yourself, can declare he's into me - I should trust it. I just am scared. NICK. I SWEAR, haha. I'm scared! So in your cynical, male opinion. You don't think he's just trying to get booty? Do you think things like that change?

 

I know you think I have this malicious plan, but humor me- imagine that what i'm saying is the truth: What is the most efficient, harmless way to find clarification in his feelings? WITHOUT some sort of serious, daunting talk that he'll dread?

[carhill]

Few rewards in life come without risks. If you've been showing signs of availability and interest for four months and you know for a fact that you both are unattached, then my personal opinion is that his relationship interest is low if he is a normal heterosexual male. It could change, or not, irrespective of sex. That's the risk, IMO. Up to you how you manage risk.

 

I forget...irrespective of his roommates, have you ever met any of his friends?

[threebyfate]

marsle, when were those four dates? This will give us an idea of his interest level, especially if there's a noticeable pattern.

[mrt336]

Wow... 4 dates in almost 4 months?

 

Marsle, let's be honest here, that's a big red flag.

 

I understand he's busy. I get it. But come on, 1 date a month? Don't you think if he was REALLY into you, he'd want to see you more often than once a month?

 

Actions speak louder than words remember? I've always heard that if someone really likes you they'll make time for you. That's also true from my own personal experience.

 

Maybe there are perfectly legit reasons for why it's taking so long between dates, I remember his vacation and all that, but seriously. Are you gonna be in a relationship with a guy you'll see 12 times a year? Of course not, so you're counting on becoming more important to him. But if he isn't already into you enough to make that time, when will he be? What if he actually can't make anymore time to see you?

 

You seem head over heels for him and I don't think he's nearly that invested.

[LadyRLD]

Wow... 4 dates in almost 4 months?

 

Marsle, let's be honest here, that's a big red flag.

 

I understand he's busy. I get it. But come on, 1 date a month? Don't you think if he was REALLY into you, he'd want to see you more often than once a month?

 

Actions speak louder than words remember? I've always heard that if someone really likes you they'll make time for you. That's also true from my own personal experience.

 

Maybe there are perfectly legit reasons for why it's taking so long between dates, I remember his vacation and all that, but seriously. Are you gonna be in a relationship with a guy you'll see 12 times a year? Of course not, so you're counting on becoming more important to him. But if he isn't already into you enough to make that time, when will he be? What if he actually can't make anymore time to see you?

 

You seem head over heels for him and I don't think he's nearly that invested.

 

 

 

ITA. I hate to be honest here. But not only was it 4 dates in 4 months but sometimes Marsle had to initiate the contact. I truly believe this guy will have sex with Marsle but he isnt that interested in anything else. When a man wants you, you know. Just because he cooked dinner or took you out a couple of times doesn't mean he's interested. It could just be his personality. He probably cooks for his roommates too. If you have to question his interest in you, it means he's NOT interested. Having sex or even pursuing him any longer would be a big mistake.

 

Don't text him or call him. If he happens to text or call you, you can respond if you want to but I bet he's not going to care if heard from you or not. He's definitely seeing and sleeping with other women. Sounds like a player to me from my experience.

 

I am not sure why others didn't mention this but if the guy was a great guy and wanted to get to know Marsle, why would he flaunt her around his roommates??? It's like he's trying to show his roommates all his "trophies" that he can get into his bedroom. That's just distasteful. And he just let her go after she rejected him, oops I mean stopped the sexual activities. This doesn't sound at all like a man who wants a relationship. Otherwise he would've asked her to stay over or just cuddled with her. I have been in this situation before when i was young and trust me the guy cared nothing about me.

 

But Marsle, sometimes you have to take the risk if you want to be sure and be able to move on. Plan on being very disappointed and hurt though. We warned you.

[A O]

I want to date him, and I'm scared if I give it up too easily, he will lose interest.

Only those who have little to bring to the table (except drama) tend to worry about this. Or those who have a fair inkling of what the other person wants, in this case, possibly just sex.

 

What is the most efficient, harmless way to find clarification in his feelings?

Don't ever bother trying to work out what someone else is thinking - not at this early stage of the game. Work out what you want, express your views/feelings, observe if he (or anyone) matches those views, be willing to move on if they don't.

 

.

[xpaperxcutx]

Only those who have little to bring to the table (except drama) tend to worry about this. Or those who have a fair inkling of what the other person wants, in this case, possibly just sex.

 

Don't ever bother trying to work out what someone else is thinking - not at this early stage of the game. Work out what you want, express your views/feelings, observe if he (or anyone) matches those views, be willing to move on if they don't.

 

.

 

AO is so insightful.

 

 

Sorry to break it to you M, but 4 dates in 4 months doesn't exactly spell " yes, he's interested". In fact, I doubt he's very much lukewarm. I think you took it a bit further than you should have and you could've broken things off when you notice things were wrong. But aren't you glad you didn't sleep with him?

[St. Nick]

I love female psychology: if he contacts too quick or too much he's desperate; if he doesn't contact quickly enough or regularly enough then he's obviously not that interested in her (fer shur!). People, let me explain something to you, the guy has a LIFE! ELL.....EYE....EFF....EEE. A grown man can't spend every waking minute of his life after every last chick he meets at the bar. He has other considerations: family, friends, bills, his own personal hobbies, interests, and activities, work, etc. in addition to having to deal with all the hassle of living in a bustling city like NYC.

 

Can none of you read? She didn't say 4 dates in 4 months. She said nearly 4 months. She met him New Year's Eve. They started dating a few days later. It is now March 26, 2010. She's spent the past week whining about the situation. If you calculate that all together you get 2 1/2 MONTHS NOT 4 MONTHS. Like I said before he's got other things to take care of. Apparently he sometimes works 84 hours a week:

 

The next day he texts me implying that he wants to see me sometime this week even though his week is swamped (He's working 84hrs!)

 

In addition to that, he's already spent some of that time on vacation.

 

Right.

 

He actually just texted.

 

X: So, i'm super dissapointed...

me: With?

X: Myself... I'm working every night or have plans until I leave for vacation (edit: In a week)I hope you'll still want to see me after.

me: Haha, no worries.

 

I guess he belongs on the backburner, hm?

 

So yeah, with all that stuff going on in his life, I can understand why he'd be a little busy. Once again, it's been 2 and a half months, not 4 months. He shouldn't drop everything for some tease he met at a bar. He has a life. He can't call all the time because many women take that as a sign of desperation. marlse herself has said so:

 

 

I have to take a little fault in this whole matter. Our initial meeting was based on tit-for-tat banter and has advanced into a witty, playful relationship. I like it, it's fun and it's not easy. What some of the guys are saying about "keeping her interested" has some basis to it - I can definitely say i've been turned off by eagerness.

 

So why should he be calling her every last waking moment of his pathetic life?

 

I still don't think he just wants her for sex. If he's trying to be a player he's going about it all wrong:

1. Players don't pay for dinner dates; especially if they only lead to second base.

2. Players try to make their lives revolve around women a lot more than this dude.

3. Players hardly ever show other women their friends out of fear of getting the chick too quickly entangled deep in their personals, or because their guy friends might try to pull something.

4. Players don't drive a woman to her place 30 mins. away.

5. After being shut down in his own bedroom, a player would tell the woman to leave post haste. He wouldn't be nice about it and let her chill a while longer.

6. Players don't insist on paying for women.

7. Players pressure women more for sex.

8. Players wouldn't have texted her back nicely after being blueballed, he either wouldn't have responded, or insulted her, or may have tried to pressure her into another date.

 

If this guy's a player, he's doing so many things wrong. He's being an old-fashioned gentleman. Basically, he's a tool, and the fact that he's gotten blueballed confirms it. Ladies, listen up, this is the reason why you can't find nice, sweet guys these days: he's paying for dinner, making her food, driving her home, not pressuring her for sex, being nice after being blueballed, AND HE STILL DIDN'T GET PASSED FIRST BASE. AND ON TOP OF THAT MARSLE IS SUSPICIOUS OF HIS INTENTIONS!

 

That's what this douchebag gets for being a nice guy. He's putting a lot of time, money, effort, and consideration into this relationship, she's reciprocating very little, and on top of that she's blaming him for not showing enough interest.

 

LMAO! times 10! Nice guys finish last!

[calizaggy]

Well the 4 dates in 4 months helps..

 

Obviously he invited you over for a hook up since he had nothing better to do.

 

Men are pursuers, and when they like a woman they pursue.. Yes, they might do the obligatory wait 3 days to call once, but after that if they want you it will be obvious..

 

Sometimes guy keep women around on the back burner, but being a woman you should be able to tell if it is you.

[stillafool]

I too didn't realize you have known him 4 months and only 4 dates. You were certainly right to not sleep with him. His interest level does seem pretty low. If I were you I would start dating others. I certainly think he is.

[CLC2008]

I love female psychology: if he contacts too quick or too much he's desperate; if he doesn't contact quickly enough or regularly enough then he's obviously not that interested in her (fer shur!). People, let me explain something to you, the guy has a LIFE! ELL.....EYE....EFF....EEE. A grown man can't spend every waking minute of his life after every last chick he meets at the bar. He has other considerations: family, friends, bills, his own personal hobbies, interests, and activities, work, etc. in addition to having to deal with all the hassle of living in a bustling city like NYC.

 

Can none of you read? She didn't say 4 dates in 4 months. She said nearly 4 months. She met him New Year's Eve. They started dating a few days later. It is now March 26, 2010. She's spent the past week whining about the situation. If you calculate that all together you get 2 1/2 MONTHS NOT 4 MONTHS. Like I said before he's got other things to take care of. Apparently he sometimes works 84 hours a week:

 

 

 

In addition to that, he's already spent some of that time on vacation.

 

 

 

So yeah, with all that stuff going on in his life, I can understand why he'd be a little busy. Once again, it's been 2 and a half months, not 4 months. He shouldn't drop everything for some tease he met at a bar. He has a life. He can't call all the time because many women take that as a sign of desperation. marlse herself has said so:

 

 

 

So why should he be calling her every last waking moment of his pathetic life?

 

I still don't think he just wants her for sex. If he's trying to be a player he's going about it all wrong:

1. Players don't pay for dinner dates; especially if they only lead to second base.

2. Players try to make their lives revolve around women a lot more than this dude.

3. Players hardly ever show other women their friends out of fear of getting the chick too quickly entangled deep in their personals, or because their guy friends might try to pull something.

4. Players don't drive a woman to her place 30 mins. away.

5. After being shut down in his own bedroom, a player would tell the woman to leave post haste. He wouldn't be nice about it and let her chill a while longer.

6. Players don't insist on paying for women.

7. Players pressure women more for sex.

8. Players wouldn't have texted her back nicely after being blueballed, he either wouldn't have responded, or insulted her, or may have tried to pressure her into another date.

 

If this guy's a player, he's doing so many things wrong. He's being an old-fashioned gentleman. Basically, he's a tool, and the fact that he's gotten blueballed confirms it. Ladies, listen up, this is the reason why you can't find nice, sweet guys these days: he's paying for dinner, making her food, driving her home, not pressuring her for sex, being nice after being blueballed, AND HE STILL DIDN'T GET PASSED FIRST BASE. AND ON TOP OF THAT MARSLE IS SUSPICIOUS OF HIS INTENTIONS!

 

That's what this douchebag gets for being a nice guy. He's putting a lot of time, money, effort, and consideration into this relationship, she's reciprocating very little, and on top of that she's blaming him for not showing enough interest.

 

LMAO! times 10! Nice guys finish last!

I don't think a view of a nice guy actually qualifies coming from someone who wanted to break up with his gf because she couldn't quote on quote...ride properly.

[St. Nick]

It wasn't 4 dates in 4 months, people. It was 4 dates in 2 and a half months. Read my post above to get why he's only been able to set up 4 dates.