BWLoca Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 How do you bring it up without coming desperate/dependent? By getting to know him a little bit more. Ask him a little bit about his history.
St. Nick Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Are you a Virgin? Bingo! Everything she says screams virgin, sexually-repressed, tease, or all the above. Grown women with clear heads on their shoulders don't act the way she acts.
Lucky555 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 She has no obligation to this guy. He's incharge of his own hard-on. Just as he doesn't have an obligation to her to promise commitment. Marsle, you are still unsure about where this guy is at with you. I would either hold off on the sex and see where it goes or have a talk with him about what he is looking for from you. He could very well like you, but still just be having a good ole time. Then where will you be? Great post. I totally agree! If your not ready you are not ready. You do not want to regret having sex with him. I cannot believe he didn't invite you to stay over!!!! Yes its early on but he was ready to have sex with you and then he never asked to you to stay? Whether or not he was aroused, if he was emotionally involved he probably would have wanted you to stay. I would have been scared too in this situation because its showing his character. Yes its still early on but its not a big deal to stay over even if you don't have sex. What is this guy really looking for? Please make sure you are exclusive and IN A RELATIONSHIP if that is what you want. Exclusive does not mean relationship!!!!!! DO not assume anything, find out. Like this post says, you are not obligated to sleep with him as he is not obligated to commit to you.
Author marsle85 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 I'm being attacked and called names and I don't know why. My intentions last night were ONLY good- but maybe I was acting like a virgin or a tease. I was -NOT- trying to. I've only slept with a few people, and haven't dated super significantly - so I'm screwing up, I get it. I'm on these boards for help, I don't think I should have to explain myself to you. Say what you feel and feel FREE to tell me what you think i'm doing wrong, I don't deserve to defend my actions when my intentions were HONESTLY in the right place. To answer your questions: I went to his place because he wanted to make me dinner, I don't see how that's illegal in the handbook - especially when a few people were there. Secondly, we went into his room because people were already watching TV in the living room. I started kissing him and making out because I wanted to be with him and share that connection, I DIDN'T plan on having sex... I was topless, my pants stayed on. Why? Not because I wanted to TEASE him, but just the opposite- he wanted it off and I wanted to be please him. I though sharing that would be better than nothing at all... You are all completely misinterpreting what i'm trying to do here. Maybe I didn't do what I should have- but I don't know what i'm doing. Would I be posting here if I did? Like i'm sorry enough that I may be messing things up with this guy, muchless having to be doubtly critisized by most of the men on this forum. This conflict is the last thing I want. I don't want the drama, we've barely spoken today already and I'm already so confused as it is. Instead of attacking me, tell me what I did wrong, tell me what to do in the future. Give me a break, i'm trying.
Wallace1 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) You can also solve the blueballs problem in ways other than intercourse, so do that, and you won't risk being thought of as a tease. You didn't do anything wrong in my opinion other than not making clear why you were backing down. When a woman says something like "I can't", its fairly obvious to me what they're talking about, but it may not be to everyone. Just be direct. Edited March 24, 2010 by Wallace1
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 When a woman says something like "I can't", its fairly obvious Ya, I know. The first thought in my head is 'christ, another married one' OP, you learned something. I think it's cool that you really like this guy and feel comfortable with him. Go with that. We're not the arbiters of your love life. Enjoy
Stung Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Meh, Marsle is smart and talks a good game but she is only twenty years old, if I recall correctly. She's in college culture, just out of high school culture, still figuring out sex and relationships, and dating can be confusing even for people who've been doing it a lot longer than she has...give the girl a break. Marsle, you don't have to offer him any release of any kind if you don't want to. But if you're not ready for that, stop making out with him in his bedroom half-naked. In the future, even if it's embarrassing to say the words, TELL him you're on your period if that's what's hanging you up about having sex at a particular time. Saying you "can't" is NOT a universal period signal--and saying you "can't" and then rolling around making out with him is definitely sending mixed signals, in a really bad way...not just because it might make him think you're a tease, but because it's the kind of thing that bad guys who are actually rapists use as a rationalization/excuse about how "chicks say no but really mean yes." Just don't do it. Part of growing up, Marsle, is learning to say what you mean and mean what you say and establishing clarity of communication. If you think you are ready to have sex with him on your next date, invite him to YOUR place and have your way with him. It sounds like your bodies enjoy each other and there's nothing wrong with having a good time with a man you like as long as you are safe. If you are not ready for sex with him yet, that should be fine, too. Go out with him somewhere neutral and tell him the plain, embarrassing truth: you like him, you accidentally sent mixed signals, you were on your period but ALSO you are a bit confused about where this is heading and you let things get out of hand because you feel a lot of chemistry with him and you weren't thinking clearly. Explain that you want to put the brakes on just a little bit and continue to get to know him a little better. If he's an empathetic guy who respects you, he'll get that...but much as you'd probably rather avoid that talk, there is just no graceful way to pull back on physical intimacy at this point WITHOUT having this conversation, IMO, because he will read that as a sign that you don't really like him or are playing headgames. Where is the line, in my opinion? A woman obviously has the right to change her mind and say No at ANY TIME...but if you've got your top off and you're lying on his bed kissing him, you're giving him pretty clear "Green means Go" lights and it's understandable for him to feel confused and possibly hurt/agitated if you call it quits right then. If you're not planning on getting into orgasm territory, stick to a few passionate kisses, full-body hugs, and keeping your clothes on. Maintain control of your thinking and the situation.
sweetjasmine Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I'm being attacked and called names and I don't know why. Don't listen to that bs about how you acted like you're "sexually repressed" or whatever. What you did wrong was send mixed signals to him. I agree with Stung's post above.
alphamale Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 A great evening (despite being ...great) has left me confused and kind of scared. no, i think you did the right thing marsle85 - especially cause aunt flo was still visiting
MalachiX Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I don't think there is anything wrong. I havn't had sex with many women but all the ones I have had sex with like to slowly increase our level of physical intimacy. If you didn't even let him get to 2nd base before then I don't think it would be fair for him to expect full on intercourse. If it were me I'd understand if you just wanted to foul around naked in order to get more comfortable. A lot of guys understand this and won't take it personally. The only thing I will say is just to keep increasing the level of intimacy because blue balls freaking hurt! I realize that they are a necceasry evil a few times until a woman feels at ease but, after a while, I honestly feel the agonizing pain isn't worth it.
CLC2008 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I don't envy any of us with dating now-a-days, I never dealt with any of this stuff back in my twenties, or maybe I just didn't realize what goes on because I was only single for a year during my twenties. I don't know if that's good or bad, but such is life. There is nothing wrong with two people wanting to explore physical contact when there is a mutual attraction and you like each other. I assume that you do and hopefully that is the case for him too and you are spending time with him because you like him as a person and romantically and not because he cooks you dinner and that he is spending time with you, not just to have sex.
St. Nick Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Don't listen to that bs about how you acted like you're "sexually repressed" or whatever. What you did wrong was send mixed signals to him. I agree with Stung's post above. Have you read her freakin posts? She sounds like she's 12 years-old. If she really was around that age then I'd let it go. But she's supposedly a grown woman. If a woman is not a dyke then she should know how to act around men regarding sex before she's legally old enough to drink. She didn't merely send "mixed signals", she started to get sexual and then dropped it abruptly. Another woman in this thread stated correctly that many women have sex during their period anyway, which makes me wonder if the OP's period was just an excuse. Tell me, why did she say "I can't" and nothing more? Is it really that hard to tell a dude about a bodily function? Personally, I really think her behavior is the result of being a sexually-repressed tease. I read her posts twice and I still can't get the nagging feeling outta my head that her behavior had little to do with her period.
calizaggy Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Why go to a guys bedroom if you don't want sex? No place else on earth to have a date?
Author marsle85 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Have you read her freakin posts? She sounds like she's 12 years-old. If she really was around that age then I'd let it go. But she's supposedly a grown woman. If a woman is not a dyke then she should know how to act around men regarding sex before she's legally old enough to drink. She didn't merely send "mixed signals", she started to get sexual and then dropped it abruptly. Another woman in this thread stated correctly that many women have sex during their period anyway, which makes me wonder if the OP's period was just an excuse. Tell me, why did she say "I can't" and nothing more? Is it really that hard to tell a dude about a bodily function? Personally, I really think her behavior is the result of being a sexually-repressed tease. I read her posts twice and I still can't get the nagging feeling outta my head that her behavior had little to do with her period. -This is stupid. I'm not lying. -I was NOT going to have the first time I have sex with him, be while I was on my period. You have got to be kidding. -You don't get it. I WANTED TO HAVE SEX with him, I wish we HAD. I like this guy, and I want the opposite to be true. I wish our night had worked out better. I don't want to be posting about this right now. I made out with him and INCREASED the sexual activity because I wanted him to know that I wasn't at some sort of stand-still and he could expect me to be open with him. I know this doesn't make sense to you, but I figured this would be of more enjoyment than shutting myself off completely. Jesus. I will -not- make this mistake again, that is for sure.
JustLooking123 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's not like you have to explain menstruation in any sort of graphic detail. Saying "sorry, it's that time of the month" with a little smile (or something equally vague and euphemistic) is usually sufficient, and pretty painless. If that's too awkward, then you probably should not be having sex with him (or anyone).
calizaggy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's not a big deal that you did not have sex yet, but the strange thing is you wanted to and do not even know if he "just wants sex", or wants to have a relationship with you. At this point, if the next date is another "come over" then you know it is just sex.
alphamale Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 At this point, if the next date is another "come over" then you know it is just sex. what if she asks him to "come over"?
threebyfate Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Technically, you did nothing "wrong". It's not as if you tried to rob or kill him. But what most members are saying, is that if you don't want to give mixed signals, then don't. It's fact that most guys want to sleep with any girl they ask out, as soon as she's willing. So if you want to take your time in finding out whether he's interested in getting to know you first, rather than just another poon chaser, you can't keep putting yourself into these situations. When a guy kisses you, if you're not prepared to go all the way, you have to stop him at an opportune time, like when his hands start to wander. Having said that, if you're fully prepared to go all the way, then make sure it's at the time that you're truly able and ready to do so. Worry less about offending the guy by positioning yourself to be what he wants you to be and worry more about what you want from him. Plenty of girls sleep with guys too soon, due to fear of loss. Don't be someone like this. Be certain you're ready and in the process of becoming certain, keep your messages direct and unencumbered by fear of loss.
calizaggy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 what if she asks him to "come over"? I think if he respects her at all he will ask to take her somewhere..If she asks him over, most likely he will go and they will have sex.. But she will still not know if he wants just sex, or a relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I don't think you did anything wrong in refusing sex, but you should have been clear with him before your top came off. Once you cross that line where your actions say ' yes, let's have sex', then you say ' no', it's understandable why he would think you're a tease. Wasn't this the same guy that went away on vacation? I absolutely don't think you're ready to have sex with him yet. You're apprehensive about his intentions and whether you're a booty call or not. If you want more proof, you should set more self-restraint on yourself to not " tease" with the idea that he might get something out of you. Play it sound, and play it safe. I suggest going on more dates before you decide to whip it all off for him.
Wallace1 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 -This is stupid. I'm not lying. -I was NOT going to have the first time I have sex with him, be while I was on my period. You have got to be kidding. -You don't get it. I WANTED TO HAVE SEX with him, I wish we HAD. I like this guy, and I want the opposite to be true. I wish our night had worked out better. I don't want to be posting about this right now. I made out with him and INCREASED the sexual activity because I wanted him to know that I wasn't at some sort of stand-still and he could expect me to be open with him. I know this doesn't make sense to you, but I figured this would be of more enjoyment than shutting myself off completely. Jesus. I will -not- make this mistake again, that is for sure. Frankly, I think you might stop searching for advice on this thread about this incident. It seems to be getting you all worked up about something that probably isn't a big deal to this guy in the first place. Keep in mind that many people are just as "clueless" as you perceive yourself to be, and take each piece of advice with a grain of salt.
calizaggy Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Frankly, I think you might stop searching for advice on this thread about this incident. It seems to be getting you all worked up about something that probably isn't a big deal to this guy in the first place. Keep in mind that many people are just as "clueless" as you perceive yourself to be, and take each piece of advice with a grain of salt. All I am saying is it makes no sense to get into bed with a man you don't want to have sex with. (And barely know)
BobSacamento Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I can't help but find this pretty hilarious.
carhill Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I can't help but find this pretty hilarious. Which part? Let's review... 20yo (?) lady has been on four dates with a nice young man, the fourth where he's cooked for her in his home and she's shared dinner with he and his roommates. They later had some sexual activity, perhaps a solid 2nd base with a slider into 3rd. She feels chemistry with this young man and has enough sexual experience with other young man to validate this feeling as positive for her. Where to next? I like the idea about seeing if he wants to 'outside' date her next or 'come over'. That, IMO, would be a good signal of his intentions. Myself, I'd likely lean towards a nice evening dinner out, some social activity (theater, dancing, etc), then back to her place for a nightcap. To me, this sends proper signals and the social activity allows for more 'getting to know' stuff. If the time is right for sex, then it is. I wouldn't push it, but that's me and I'm not 25 anymore Anyway, my .02. Hope it works out
BobSacamento Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Which part? Let's review... 20yo (?) lady has been on four dates with a nice young man, the fourth where he's cooked for her in his home and she's shared dinner with he and his roommates. They later had some sexual activity, perhaps a solid 2nd base with a slider into 3rd. She feels chemistry with this young man and has enough sexual experience with other young man to validate this feeling as positive for her. Where to next? I like the idea about seeing if he wants to 'outside' date her next or 'come over'. That, IMO, would be a good signal of his intentions. Myself, I'd likely lean towards a nice evening dinner out, some social activity (theater, dancing, etc), then back to her place for a nightcap. To me, this sends proper signals and the social activity allows for more 'getting to know' stuff. If the time is right for sex, then it is. I wouldn't push it, but that's me and I'm not 25 anymore Anyway, my .02. Hope it works out Like if this was Dating dos and don'ts, this would be an excellent case study for the DON'TS section.
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