Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 marsle, you shouldn't be chasing this guy, since IMO, you're doing it all for the wrong reasons. I am ambivalent about Marsle's actions and am not clear on their past dating history (did he set up the dates or did she? why were they so sparse? I asked before but didn't get an answer... I'm sure it's explained somewhere in this thread, but haven't found it). I'd be curious to know more about what you think her reasons are.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I am ambivalent about Marsle's actions and am not clear on their past dating history (did he set up the dates or did she? why were they so sparse? I asked before but didn't get an answer... I'm sure it's explained somewhere in this thread, but haven't found it). I'd be curious to know more about what you think her reasons are. Here's what I gather from this thread: Winning (ego/pride is a silly reason to do this).Willing to take crumbs and bonding further with a low interest guy.Considering this guy a prize or object, to acquire.
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Here's what I gather from this thread: Winning (ego/pride is a silly reason to do this).Willing to take crumbs and bonding further with a low interest guy.Considering this guy a prize or object, to acquire. Thanks for clarifying! Indeed, seen that way, the best thing to be done is to find another object of interest.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Thanks for clarifying! Indeed, seen that way, the best thing to be done is to find another object of interest.That's just my opinion and I agree that it's best to move on. We're talking about 4 dates, not any serious investment or even an STR. Also, as you mentioned, marsle has been really vague about the timing of the four dates over months. High interest guys over 2.5 months, would be equal to a helluva' lot more dates than 4. I don't know this guy but in general, based on my reasons given, marsle is a prime target for any player routines of hook and withdraw.
CLC2008 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Also, as you mentioned, marsle has been really vague about the timing of the four dates over months.QUOTE] I concur. Something does not add up.
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Marsle, here are my questions: Why were the dates so sparse? Who set them up? How much contact was there between dates and what was the medium of contact (phone, text, chat)? Who initiated the contact (or what was the distribution of contact-initiation)? And last but not least: what does he do to justify being "craaaazy busy"?
stillafool Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Marsle, here are my questions: Why were the dates so sparse? Who set them up? How much contact was there between dates and what was the medium of contact (phone, text, chat)? Who initiated the contact (or what was the distribution of contact-initiation)? And last but not least: what does he do to justify being "craaaazy busy"? Marsle these are points that warrant answers. A few more. 1) What is his occupation or what does he hope to be? 2) How old is he?
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Why were the dates so sparse? Not really sure. After many of the dates we would go a week without texting. When we did start talking, I don't accept dates 3 days days away or less - and whenever he threw out a date, it would often be a week away. So that's about 2 weeks between dates. Then, after our 3rd one- he went away on vacation, so it was about 3 weeks until we could see eachother again. Who set them up? Out of the 4 dates, I initiated one of them - the third, I think. I am guilty of texting him first after the dates, but I never asked him if he wanted to see eachother again, I'd just say "hey..." etc. He was often the one saying "So, when can I see you..." How much contact was there between dates and what was the medium of contact (phone, text, chat)? Who initiated the contact (or what was the distribution of contact-initiation)? When he first contacted me, it was via phone. Then it became texting from there. Initially, there was very little contact between dates. Then, after the 3rd date - he'd start texting maybe once every few days. After the first and second date - I iniated the "hey," he asked if I'd see him again. After the third - he texted the following day, and asked if I'd see him again shortly after. Fourth date, me. And last but not least: what does he do to justify being "craaaazy busy"? Marsle these are points that warrant answers. A few more. 1) What is his occupation or what does he hope to be? He's a paramedic/volunteer firefighter and full time student. Normally he works nights, lots of OT and before going to vacation he worked 11 days straight. 2) How old is he? 25.
carhill Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 He's a paramedic/volunteer firefighter and full time student. Normally he works nights, lots of OT and before going to vacation he worked 11 days straight. IMO, too busy to develop a healthy interpersonal relationship, based on school and 84 hour work weeks. Great priorities. Good on him. Just lousy relationship material right now. Great for a hook-up if that's what you want, when it fits into his schedule. I recall a similar dynamic when dating single mothers 15-20 years ago. Busier than could be. Snippets of time and always something coming up. Finally I figured out they were too busy for a relationship. I wasn't willing to date someone solely on their schedule, so moved away from that category of dating potential. Today, when I get a whiff of someone being 'too busy' or on a 'tight schedule', bye-bye. I don't need to know the details. Good luck with that. Also, you're saying he hasn't called since the first time? All text? Electron dreams..... so, is he chattering away on his text while at work/school and can't talk? Like I said above...
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Honesty never seems like the default in dating. In the attempt to sort out what i'm feeling- I wrote out the following while brainstorming: Things could have gone better Tuesday. I should have communicated. So i'm giving it a shot now. I enjoy our chemistry. You're cool. I want a redo. Instead of these schemes and games and rules. Can I just try being honest and upfront? Is it any more crazy to just say this to him, than attempt a sideways approach? And if he doesn't respond favorably, atleast I know there's nothing else to say, because I was clear and stated what I wanted. And if he does respond favorably, it minimizes my apprehension because I was clear and stated what I wanted. Maybe there is something to this communication thing. What do you think?
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) How old is the OP? Twenty. Hah, that obvious? :-) Edited March 30, 2010 by marsle85 Ok. Thanks!?
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Things could have gone better Tuesday. I should have communicated. So i'm giving it a shot now. What I don't like about this is that you've already made amends for this. You've already communicated about this. Let it go. He said it wasn't a problem. Believe him. I enjoy our chemistry. You're cool. Yes, by all means, tell him this. I want a redo. No, you want to take things to a whole other level. The way I see it, you don't have to make amends for anything. The "redo" "mistake" talk might be interpreted as: "okay okay I lose, we'll do it your way, here I am on a silver platter". Just keep it light and fun. It's not games and rules, it's letting go of drama, respecting yourself (and your past actions and decisions) and refusing to grovel for his attention. And if he does respond favorably, it minimizes my apprehension because I was clear and stated what I wanted. Be clear about you want. You don't have to apologize and grovel for that. Tell him you want to spend a fun night with him, by all means. But why would you be trying to make something up to him? You've already apologized for the miscommunication. You have nothing to make up or apologize for.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 "I'm going to prove to you that I'm worth dating" isn't a way to gain his respect or a relationship.
CLC2008 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Honesty never seems like the default in dating. In the attempt to sort out what i'm feeling- I wrote out the following while brainstorming: Things could have gone better Tuesday. I should have communicated. So i'm giving it a shot now. I enjoy our chemistry. You're cool. I want a redo. Instead of these schemes and games and rules. Can I just try being honest and upfront? Is it any more crazy to just say this to him, than attempt a sideways approach? And if he doesn't respond favorably, atleast I know there's nothing else to say, because I was clear and stated what I wanted. And if he does respond favorably, it minimizes my apprehension because I was clear and stated what I wanted. Maybe there is something to this communication thing. What do you think? I think we can conclude that he's not interested OP. You are making excuses for your behavior and for his behavior but take solace in knowing you're not the first one on the face of the earth to have been in your shoes and you certainly won't be the last. I agree that when a man is genuinely and truly interested, nothing will deter him. He declined your offer to go out instead of staying indoors. He hasn't planned anything with you otherwise. You've tried contacting him a few times and he's ignored you. His work schedule does not permit anything substantial or long term. Those are the facts. It's okay to be upset over it but you also have to keep living your life, to the fullest, no matter what age you are. The smoke will eventually clear and you'll see things more clearly. And then your eyes will begin to open with new possibilities.
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Yeah. Maybe it's time to delete him out of my phone...
CLC2008 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Yeah. Maybe it's time to delete him out of my phone... It's better that you do.
mrt336 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Yeah. Maybe it's time to delete him out of my phone... Haha, didn't you already say you did that?
stillafool Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Honesty never seems like the default in dating. In the attempt to sort out what i'm feeling- I wrote out the following while brainstorming: Things could have gone better Tuesday. I should have communicated. So i'm giving it a shot now. I enjoy our chemistry. You're cool. I want a redo. Instead of these schemes and games and rules. Can I just try being honest and upfront? Is it any more crazy to just say this to him, than attempt a sideways approach? And if he doesn't respond favorably, atleast I know there's nothing else to say, because I was clear and stated what I wanted. And if he does respond favorably, it minimizes my apprehension because I was clear and stated what I wanted. Maybe there is something to this communication thing. What do you think? Okay, he sounds like a good guy to me. You are the one who started the texting so he responded in texts. Next time use the phone. Anyways, definitely be honest and say what you feel. I just meant don't say anything about sex; but I like the chemistry part. I still think you should call him rather than text him. Are you afraid? In a way I can understand your texting him because he is reallllllly busy. Go ahead and make your dinner plans. This guy sounds great to me. I don't want to be a Pollyanna but I really do think this guy sounds great and you will end up in a relationship with him. Just know he is going to be extremely busy and tired. Yes it is always best to be honest about your feelings with someone you really like. People get so tired of games.
SarahRose Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He never really was all that interested. Just let it go. When a guy likes you, you will know it with no doubts.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I thought you had decided you just wanted to have sex with him. If that is the case why not tell him that directly? You can't be any clearer. However, I'm not convinced that you have truly given up the relationship idea or let go of those feelings you were having for him. Sex or not, those feelings are going to resurface when you spend time with him even if it is just one night. Separating sex from emotion is not an easy accomplishment and you are only 20 so I don't think you've had much practice trying to separate the two. I'm afraid after the deed, you are going to experience a sense of emptiness and regret. Please do not even slightly entertain the possibility that seeing him again might lead to a relationship. This is not the only hot attractive man available to you. If you must pursue a strictly sexual encounter, it would be much better to find a man with whom you have not felt an emotional connection. Regardless of your decision, best wishes.
Author marsle85 Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 My plan a few days ago was to leave it for a few days and take a break. I'm going to stick with that. I'm not going to pursue a ONS. If in a week I hear from him/feel comfortable enough to call him- I'll let you all know what happens. I love the constant support, and as always - thanks a lot guys.
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