St. Nick Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 So you're saying the main reason he dropped me is because I didn't have sex with him. After his investment, don't you think it would be foolish not to atleast try again - especially after my apologetic text the following day? So theoretically, if I were to walk into his the next day, or hell- TODAY - and threw him on the couch... it wouldn't matter? I'm already in the "no-go-relationship" cateogory... Because the damage was done and I ruined his game? I'll repeat what bayouboi said. You didn't listen to the guys in this thread and listened to the supportive females and got the wrong answers. bayouboi said, "Not at all. Not having sex with him isn't a problem. Leading him to the point that he thinks you're going to have sex with him and then cut him off while you're half naked is where the problem started." and that's exactly right. A lot of women in this thread are saying, "It's his fault, his problem. You did nothing wrong at all". Sorry. But that's a lie. You did a lot wrong. One female poster said something like, "If a guy gets blueballs SO WHAT? It's his problem!" and that was pretty uppity of that broad. If I had said, "You had your period? SO WHAT? It's your problem. You should have sex with him anyway!" that would be wrong. Men should respect female bodily functions and women should respect male bodily functions. The thing you should learn is this, Do not get half-naked with a guy, go to his house, or invite him to your house unless you're 100% positive you want sex. I also suggest if that you don't do anything more than kiss if you don't want sex.
bayouboi Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I know, I've never been in this position before. It was the first time where I actually felt out of my league... It's not so much the rejection I hate, it's that I actually felt he was a catch... I appreciate your advice. There's nothing I can do now, right? Oh well. The rejection is what's making you desire him more. I'm sure there's something you can do, but I'm not sure what it would be because I don't know anything about him or what would trigger a positive response from him. Good luck.
LadyRLD Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I know, I've never been in this position before. It was the first time where I actually felt out of my league... It's not so much the rejection I hate, it's that I actually felt he was a catch... I appreciate your advice. There's nothing I can do now, right? Oh well. Nope move on. You will know when a man is into you. First clue would be that you wouldn't have to start threads like this because he would be showing his interest. There would be no second guessing. Why the f*ck would you even want him after he treated you like this. Now I know why men always get mad when girls go for a**holes and then complain about not finding nice guys. This man wasn't nice to begin with. He showed all a**hole qualities from the beginning. Once you experience dating a real genuine gentleman, you will see that this man wasn't nice at all. Especially the way he took you to his bedroom with his roommates around...uggghhhh. Love yourself enough to not want him anymore. Don't listen to the men here. They are only thinking about getting laid. Trust me, I have been in this situation. If this man really wanted you, nothing I mean NOTHING would stop him from seeing you. His behavior proved that he just wanted sex from you and when he didn't get it, it was on to the next. Why is this attractive? If you would have given it up, he would've still moved on to the next. you did wonderful by not sleeping with him otherwise you would feel so used and hurt right now. Dust your shoulders off and move on!!!
LadyRLD Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 (edited) I'll repeat what bayouboi said. You didn't listen to the guys in this thread and listened to the supportive females and got the wrong answers. bayouboi said, "Not at all. Not having sex with him isn't a problem. Leading him to the point that he thinks you're going to have sex with him and then cut him off while you're half naked is where the problem started." and that's exactly right. A lot of women in this thread are saying, "It's his fault, his problem. You did nothing wrong at all". Sorry. But that's a lie. You did a lot wrong. One female poster said something like, "If a guy gets blueballs SO WHAT? It's his problem!" and that was pretty uppity of that broad. If I had said, "You had your period? SO WHAT? It's your problem. You should have sex with him anyway!" that would be wrong. Men should respect female bodily functions and women should respect male bodily functions. The thing you should learn is this, Do not get half-naked with a guy, go to his house, or invite him to your house unless you're 100% positive you want sex. I also suggest if that you don't do anything more than kiss if you don't want sex. OK but what is done is done....how come you keep telling her what you THINK she did wrong instead of helping her get back into this guys good graces. OK take Nick's advice and go have sex with this dude. Then when he still doesn't give a sh*t about you, you can finally listen to us females who have actually went out with boys like this and slept with them to feel like complete used up crap afterwards. Nick is just another guy thinking about another guy's penis. What he doesn't seem to care about are your feelings Marsle and how you would feel when this man still doesn't show any interest in any kind of real relationship with you. My strong feeling is this man already has a serious girlfriend and he was using you to fill in the time or to possibly get something on the side. And you didn't fall for it. You should be thanking your lucky stars!! Edited March 29, 2010 by LadyRLD spelling mistakes
A O Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You will know when a man is into you. First clue would be that you wouldn't have to start threads like this because he would be showing his interest. There would be no second guessing. This is true, but nonetheless, all bets fly out the window once one dates well out of their league. A perfectly sane person can become highly irrational, i.e. fails to communicate in their usual manner or fails to show the usual amount self-respect to themself in a situation like this. Why the f*ck would you even want him after he treated you like this. He didn't do anything that she didn't allow to happen. He's no more a villain in all this than she is. Love yourself enough to not want him anymore. This is true but she's young. Hopefully she'll live n learn. you did wonderful by not sleeping with him otherwise you would feel so used and hurt right now. Its hard to say whether she was more concerned about how he'd view her after the deed or whether she'd feel used as you guesstimate. Then when he still doesn't give a sh*t about, you can finally listen to us females who have actually went out with boys like this and slept with them tto feel like complete used up crap afterwards. There's two sides to this saga and the guys are quite rightly, pointing out one of them. .
Author marsle85 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 For the most part, everything all of you have said is true. Being dismissed has totally increased my desire for him. What i'm getting is that either I made a mistake by teasing him and ran him away forever, or I should be thankful that my inadvertant/inconvenient teasing caused him to run far away. I know, I know, I know. There's just this nagging need to win that isn't healthy, or realistic. I'm not saying it will consume me and respond in me making a huge mistake- but I'm saying it's there. I just want the power in this instance, and I know I don't have it/lost it- so I've been running through lame scenarios in my head. Bittern rejection, haha. I know and acknowledge I should let this go... but I'm just being honest, and enjoy the mutually honest feedback. Thank you to Bayouboy, St. Nick and LadyRLD for their comments.
LadyRLD Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 This is true, but nonetheless, all bets fly out the window once one dates well out of their league. A perfectly sane person can become highly irrational, i.e. fails to communicate in their usual manner or fails to show the usual amount self-respect to themself in a situation like this. . I agree with this completely. Yes she did allow the man to do these things but he's still not representative of a gentleman. A genuinely nice man with good intentions would have went about it in a different way. This man is who he is but that doesn't mean he still wasn't out for one thing and one thing only. This may not make him an a**hole to you but it sure doesn't make him relationship material or worth pursuing. If a man makes you feel like you are out of his league (in your own mind that is) then that means you are not secure enough with who you are. So you do insecure things like text him or call him when he's clearly not showing any real interest. Be secure enough with yourself to leave this man alone. Stop responding to his text. Know that if he wants you, he knows what to do. Til then, on to the next.......you did enough already.
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I guess it's because I am NOT inclined to side with either males or females in this instance - that i'm so confused. Each have an equally legitimate POV... When I talk to my friends about it, they're all over it calling him a jerk, user, player, etc. But to me- I didn't play my cards right... combined with the fact that there was a miscommunication between us. Thankfully- despite my pride and urge to "win" I obviously haven't texted him since then. So that's the consensus - despite wanting to play a little (eek), leave it alone?
LadyRLD Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 For the most part, everything all of you have said is true. Being dismissed has totally increased my desire for him. What i'm getting is that either I made a mistake by teasing him and ran him away forever, or I should be thankful that my inadvertant/inconvenient teasing caused him to run far away. I know, I know, I know. There's just this nagging need to win that isn't healthy, or realistic. I'm not saying it will consume me and respond in me making a huge mistake- but I'm saying it's there. I just want the power in this instance, and I know I don't have it/lost it- so I've been running through lame scenarios in my head. Bittern rejection, haha. I know and acknowledge I should let this go... but I'm just being honest, and enjoy the mutually honest feedback. Thank you to Bayouboy, St. Nick and LadyRLD for their comments. I completely understand this. This is exactly how I felt after what I thought was my dream guy completely stop pursuing me after I did the deed. And I waited 3 years of being friends. He even took me out for my birthday and we slow danced. but I had that "out of my league" feeling like you once I saw he wanted more. That feeling is really something telling you that something is not right about this guy. At least not for what you want from him. I felt very insecure but unlike you I slept with him and regretted it. Be happy this man didn't keep leading you on and showed his true colors before the sex. As a woman sex does make you feel a little more attached and most men don't understand this. That's why it's hard to take their advice. They don't know a woman has to be careful about giving herself away too soon or she will be hurt. Especially if she liked the guy as much as you do!!! Now if you just wanted sex and didn't really like the guy that much then it would be easier. But since you like him then it would've really been painful to get the mediocre responses from him. You already won by not letting him score another notch on his belt!!! Trust that. I would have felt soooooo much better if I didn't let my self-esteem down and sleep with the man I thought was "out of my league". But I lived and learned. Now i know what a man who loves me is like. It's wonderful.
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I agree with this completely. Yes she did allow the man to do these things but he's still not representative of a gentleman. A genuinely nice man with good intentions would have went about it in a different way. This man is who he is but that doesn't mean he still wasn't out for one thing and one thing only. This may not make him an a**hole to you but it sure doesn't make him relationship material or worth pursuing. If a man makes you feel like you are out of his league (in your own mind that is) then that means you are not secure enough with who you are. So you do insecure things like text him or call him when he's clearly not showing any real interest. Be secure enough with yourself to leave this man alone. Stop responding to his text. Know that if he wants you, he knows what to do. Til then, on to the next.......you did enough already. Romantically, this guy is out of the window. There is no way (even if he texted me today) that I could continue without apprehension. For fun though, nothing? Thanks LadyRLD!
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I completely understand this. This is exactly how I felt after what I thought was my dream guy completely stop pursuing me after I did the deed. And I waited 3 years of being friends. He even took me out for my birthday and we slow danced. but I had that "out of my league" feeling like you once I saw he wanted more. That feeling is really something telling you that something is not right about this guy. At least not for what you want from him. I felt very insecure but unlike you I slept with him and regretted it. Be happy this man didn't keep leading you on and showed his true colors before the sex. As a woman sex does make you feel a little more attached and most men don't understand this. That's why it's hard to take their advice. They don't know a woman has to be careful about giving herself away too soon or she will be hurt. Especially if she liked the guy as much as you do!!! Now if you just wanted sex and didn't really like the guy that much then it would be easier. But since you like him then it would've really been painful to get the mediocre responses from him. You already won by not letting him score another notch on his belt!!! Trust that. I would have felt soooooo much better if I didn't let my self-esteem down and sleep with the man I thought was "out of my league". But I lived and learned. Now i know what a man who loves me is like. It's wonderful. It's really interesting reading your POV. I'm not a member, but I'd like to talk to you some more (if you don't mind). Do you chat on AIM or Facebook? Care to be friends?
A O Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 This man is who he is but that doesn't mean he still wasn't out for one thing and one thing only. This may not make him an a**hole to you but it sure doesn't make him relationship material or worth pursuing. I understand your feelings, most men do - being pillared for having a sex drive goes with the territory. On the flip side of the coin, men have yet to catch on, in a negative sense, to the overwhelming need for women to go after one thing and one thing only also - a relationship. My point being, when does what a woman want trump that of men? Why should the default 'good' position here be here whatever women want and the default bad position be whatever a man wants? Anyway, enough of that - he, or anyone is only an arsehole if they misrepresent themselves. Can't say if that's been the case here. .
LadyRLD Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I guess it's because I am NOT inclined to side with either males or females in this instance - that i'm so confused. Each have an equally legitimate POV... When I talk to my friends about it, they're all over it calling him a jerk, user, player, etc. But to me- I didn't play my cards right... combined with the fact that there was a miscommunication between us. Thankfully- despite my pride and urge to "win" I obviously haven't texted him since then. So that's the consensus - despite wanting to play a little (eek), leave it alone? Marsle, you did nothing wrong. When a man is into you, I repeat this a million times.....it won't matter what you did or didn't do. He would still be into you!!!! You wouldn't have to play your cards. You would just be able to be yourself comfortably. You need to experience this to know. I have dated many men and the men that wanted me, wanted me regardless. I have left a man with "blue balls" before and because he was into me, he still called me and pursued me. But this man wanted a relationship with me. You will live and learn too. Once you meet a "real" man and not a boy, you will understand what I mean. Most men here are looking at the "you left him with blue balls" side of it. OK so??? He just wasn't the right man for you period!!!! No pun intended.
BobSacamento Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 It's all about signals. You can either follow them or ignore them. I believe you intentionally ignored them. There is nothing wrong with going either way, but there will be consequences.
LadyRLD Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I understand your feelings, most men do - being pillared for having a sex drive goes with the territory. On the flip side of the coin, men have yet to catch on, in a negative sense, to the overwhelming need for women to go after one thing and one thing only also - a relationship. My point being, when does what a woman want trump that of men? Why should the default 'good' position here be here whatever women want and the default bad position be whatever a man wants? Anyway, enough of that - he, or anyone is only an arsehole if they misrepresent themselves. Can't say if that's been the case here. . I am not saying what a women does trump that of a man. I am just simply saying a man that wanted her for more than sex would've still wanted her after what she did. No he didn't misrepresent himself but he also didn't represent himself if that makes sense. For example, a man I met who was divorced told me straight from the beginning that he didn't want any relationships, he just wanted to have fun. Just so I would know his intentions up front. Now that's a man I respected!!! This guy didn't do that for Marsle. As a matter of fact, he just left her guessing. I am not taking a girl's side or guy's side but I am just saying this man wasn't up front with his intentions either. But his actions do explain his intentions. All I can say is from a woman's point of view, it would've hurt like HELL if she slept with him and he still acted the way his acting now. I give up on explaining myself. All I am saying is, she should be happy she didn't get any more hurt than she already is.
stillafool Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 For the most part, everything all of you have said is true. Being dismissed has totally increased my desire for him. What i'm getting is that either I made a mistake by teasing him and ran him away forever, or I should be thankful that my inadvertant/inconvenient teasing caused him to run far away. I know, I know, I know. There's just this nagging need to win that isn't healthy, or realistic. I'm not saying it will consume me and respond in me making a huge mistake- but I'm saying it's there. I just want the power in this instance, and I know I don't have it/lost it- so I've been running through lame scenarios in my head. Bittern rejection, haha. I know and acknowledge I should let this go... but I'm just being honest, and enjoy the mutually honest feedback. Thank you to Bayouboy, St. Nick and LadyRLD for their comments. Why and what do you need to win Marsle? Everyone keeps talking about how Marsle would be used and feel like crap if he had sex with her and left. Excuse me, but doesn't Marsle want to have sex with him also? Or, Marsle are you going to use sex to get him? If you want to sleep with him and do, and if he walks away, didn't you get what you wanted also? If you want him you are going to have to sleep with him. He is not going to say he wants a one on one relationship with you without seeing how you are in bed. Sorry, but it just doesn't happen that way anymore. So you have to decide what it is you really want from him, put on your 'big girl panties' and do it. That includes walking away from this if necessary.
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) Why and what do you need to win Marsle? Everyone keeps talking about how Marsle would be used and feel like crap if he had sex with her and left. Excuse me, but doesn't Marsle want to have sex with him also? Or, Marsle are you going to use sex to get him? If you want to sleep with him and do, and if he walks away, didn't you get what you wanted also? If you want him you are going to have to sleep with him. He is not going to say he wants a one on one relationship with you without seeing how you are in bed. Sorry, but it just doesn't happen that way anymore. So you have to decide what it is you really want from him, put on your 'big girl panties' and do it. That includes walking away from this if necessary. Ok. I'm not going to lie. I DO want to have sex with him. I'm soo attracted to him. Sure, I was into him romantically- but all things aside, the guy does things that I fantasize about. For me - if I were to sleep with him, it wouldn't be strictly to obtain him, or get back in his good graces. Honestly? I'd like to date him, but exclusive of that... I'd like to sleep with him, too. Plus- regardless of what happens, I can atleast slap a "that was fun" label on it and know that I benefited from the entire ordeal. What I want? To date him. To sleep with him. And like I said, those two factors can be seperate or intertwined. St. Nick asserted I was a sexually repressed virgin. Also not true. I've had sex, I like sex. I have sex. I can make love and I can have sex. Sure I was originally hoping for a romantic relationship, but it's not there. What is there is a great sexual chemistry. If a relationship pops out of it - that's a plus, but at this point, I'm thinking about him sexually, not romantically. Edited March 30, 2010 by marsle85
LadyRLD Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Ok. I'm not going to lie. I DO want to have sex with him. I'm soo attracted to him. Sure, I was into him romantically- but all things aside, the guy does things that I fantasize about. For me - if I were to sleep with him, it wouldn't be strictly to obtain him, or get back in his good graces. Honestly? I'd like to date him, but exclusive of that... I'd like to sleep with him, too. Plus- regardless of what happens, I can atleast slap a "that was fun" label on it and know that I benefited from the entire ordeal. What I want? To date him. To sleep with him. And like I said, those two factors can be seperate or intertwined. St. Nick asserted I was a sexually repressed virgin. Also not true. I've had sex, I like sex. I have sex. I can make love and I can have sex. Sure I was originally hoping for a romantic relationship, but it's not there. What is there is a great sexual chemistry. If a relationship pops out of it - that's a plus, but at this point, I'm thinking about him sexually, not romantically. Ok now you are trying to convince yourself. Why don't you just do it already? If you want just sex then text him saying that you want to finish where you left off that night and stop beating around the bush. When I wanted sex from a man, I didn't play games, I told them straight up and it always worked to get the sex!! But you sound like you are way too into this guy to make it just sex. I could be wrong. So I say go for it but get to the point. None of this horseback riding stuff. He will respond with a straightforward booty call text. Trust me :-) the only reason I am saying you will be hurt is because you already put this dude up on a pedestal and fantasized about who you think he is. This usually happens when a female is already too attached before it even began. That is the only reason I am saying run. If you are strong enough to handle the sex and the rejection from him afterward then go ahead and get you some sex!!!
A O Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I am not saying what a women does trump that of a man. Yes you are. If a guy only wants one thing then he's an arsehole according to you. And since most men are the same, that makes whatever they want clearly inferior to whatever women want because I'm not hearing any howls of pretest from you despite the fact that most people know what women want! No he didn't misrepresent himself but he also didn't represent himself if that makes sense. And neither did she. Not once did she come out and say what she wanted. And given that you haven't mentioned this then its reasonable to assume that you believe that the female position here is the default stance and that its up the man to state anything that's outside of this position. It all adds weight to my earlier statement about all this. This guy didn't do that for Marsle. As a matter of fact, he just left her guessing. Now, gender politics aside - this was the OP's weakest area, her inability to "communicate" what ever she wanted. Instead of being proactive, she was reactive, forever wondering or guessing his intentions. That's a zero sum, losers game. Eliminate guesswork where ever possible - open your trap and express your intentions. .
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Well since you want to have sex with him but are also still hoping for a relationship, your best bet is to still gamble on the relationship. Do as Stillafool suggested and invited him over for dinner. Be flirty, be romantic, have fun and have sex. Might as well add: and be safe. It is much harder to turn a FWB into a relationship than to turn a relationship into a FWB.
A O Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Why and what do you need to win Marsle? Everyone keeps talking about how Marsle would be used and feel like crap if he had sex with her and left. Excuse me, but doesn't Marsle want to have sex with him also? True. Trust me :-) the only reason I am saying you will be hurt is because you already put this dude up on a pedestal and fantasized about who you think he is. This usually happens when a female is already too attached before it even began. That is the only reason I am saying run. Interesting. I wonder just who is leading who around the garden path here! .
carhill Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 you already put this dude up on a pedestal and fantasized about who you think he is Yep, as I read the last couple hours of discussion, that was exactly what I was thinking. Built a few pedestals myself back in the day. Unhealthy. Something tells me this has a few more miles left in it. We'll see...
Author marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Well since you want to have sex with him but are also still hoping for a relationship, your best bet is to still gamble on the relationship. Do as Stillafool suggested and invited him over for dinner. Be flirty, be romantic, have fun and have sex. Might as well add: and be safe. It is much harder to turn a FWB into a relationship than to turn a relationship into a FWB. You think it's still okay to invite him after he has responded nonchalantly to my initial invitation? I really don't care, like I said- worst case scenario, I really do get what I want too, sex. No horsebackriding. So the most direct way is to have him over my place?
Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Marsle, it's all a question of attitude. You wouldn't believe the stuff I got away with. I've had ONS that turned into relationships. I've had sex before talk of commitment was brought up with most of my exes. It's all just a matter of attitude. If you think you lose something by having sex with a guy too soon, then you're likely to act insecure. If you have sex because you want to, when you want to, making no excuses for your pace and sexuality, then guys take you seriously. I'm not saying there is no such thing as having sex too early. Personally, I like to take my time and see the steam go up when I date somebody, until I just can't hold it anymore and absolutely must get them in a room, naked, asap. (Process that usually involves 4-8 dates). I also like to know the person and feel that they respect me. Basically, with time, I have gotten better at recognizing that moment. Other things that help is having the "what are you looking for" conversation on date 2, as Carhill suggested. Then, if I'm looking for a relationship, I don't have to waste any energy on guys who aren't looking for anything serious. But I repeat: if you want a relationship and-or to have sex with this guy: proceed with the intentions of having a relationship. That doesn't mean you can't have sex with him. You still can. Be yourself, get to know the guy and don't put a title on it for now.
A O Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 But I repeat: if you want a relationship and-or to have sex with this guy: proceed with the intentions of having a relationship. That doesn't mean you can't have sex with him. You still can. Be yourself, get to know the guy and don't put a title on it for now. Sex is all he'd be good for I imagine, given the amount of time and interest this guy has shown her. Overall, anyone with any sense would walk away from a situation like this. .
Recommended Posts