Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 He sent a pretty vague message saying "I'd like to... but my schedule is crazzzy coming up"... I never responded. As I've heard many say... Next! Absolutely right! Next. If he wants to see you again, let him set the plans.
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Tip: A man who is interested (and I've dealt with this aspect with women too) will not regale you with the bounty of how 'busy' he is. His 'busy' is his stuff and he deals with it. His focus is on building intimacy and companionship with you. Any mention of 'busy' will be in passing 'yeah, I was busy with xxx today. How about we catch a bite this evening? I always look forward to spending time with you' bla, bla. I like Bob's advice about communication. IME, one inhibition to effective communication is fear. Another is lack of understanding of one's essential needs. Does any of that apply to you? Unknown. The worst that can happen, in a case like this, or even in a marriage like I had, is that the person will reject you. OK, go with that. Life goes on.
threebyfate Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 You're missing the ability to communicate, its really that simple. And until you learn to do this, then everything else you've learnt here won't count for much.I agree. Internal patter is just that, until you learn how to express yourself in a way that's clearly understood by prospective relationship partners. You don't owe anyone sex, no matter what they do for you. But if you want to have sex with anyone early, that's okay too, as long as you're fine with a potential ONS or FWB scenario. If you don't want an ONS or FWB scenario, then you're going to have to pace the dating experience, by communicating clearly. The reason you're overthinking things, is that you're trying to position yourself in the most attractive light as possible, while retaining control, just in case he's only after booty. It doesn't work this way.
Author marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 The reason you're overthinking things, is that you're trying to position yourself in the most attractive light as possible, while retaining control, just in case he's only after booty. It doesn't work this way. There is a lot of truth to that statement. You're absolutely right. So, could I rewind... I would have said: _________________ on ______ date?
threebyfate Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 There is a lot of truth to that statement. You're absolutely right. So, could I rewind... I would have said: _________________ on ______ date?How far back are you rewinding?
Author marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Well, that's my question. How soon do I suggest that I am looking for something more serious? What else do you feel I did not communicate well enough?
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 'What are you looking for in a relationship?' Heard on second date over a nice dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
threebyfate Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Refer back to post #21, for my list of mixed signals. From the beginning, articulate that you're a relationship-style girl. This won't ensure that booty callers still won't give it the old full court press but when things get physical, you don't let them get beyond kissing. You also don't get into private situations where clothing can be removed. What this might do, is to turn off some guys. Big deal. If a guy can't wait, he's not looking for a relationship.
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 What this [enforcing sexual boundaries] might do, is to turn off some guys. Big deal. If a guy can't wait, he's not looking for a relationship. Yes, at minimum, their relationship styles would be incompatible. I've found, since starting to date again, that embracing this dynamic (acceptance of incompatibility) has made for a much more pleasant experience. It's OK to explore the potential and find it incompatible. The exploration was fun
stillafool Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Well. He didn't respond. It sucks. Because I actually feel like I pushed him away. I shouldn't have gotten nearly naked- because honestly, he didn't harbor those expectations for me in the beginning. I should have finished him off, or did SOMETHING for him. I can't BELIEVE after that I ended up texting him in sum, THREE TIMES after that! THREE! I've NEVER done that with him, I played all of my cards too soon. And I don't even know if i'm glad I sent the horsebackriding invitation, because now any lingering feelings that he could choose to utilize are extinguished because he knows he never responded to my first invitation. I made the situation daunting and difficult, when it should have been enjoyable and easy. So, I took him out of my phone (incase I'm struck by any other forms of insanity). I need to let this go, but it sucks. This guy seemed like the real deal, and my inexperience and fear created more struggle for an early, budding relationship. I regret a LOT. I wish I would have waited, for everything. :( But I did learn from this. Ugh. I'm exhausted! Dating is not easy. He seemed so good. I know i'm coming off as pathetic/whatnot. Please spare me any harsh criticism. If you have something proactive or helpful to reflect on what i've learned, please share. I'm just bummed with myself and regretful and I would appreciate sincerity. You should have used my suggestion and invited him over for a homemade dinner. Of course he doesn't want to go horseback riding and get all worked up for nothing again (in his mind another tease and no sex). But, with dinner he at least knows he is going to get a good home cooked meal and (maybe) sex which you probably would have felt more comfortable doing in your own home and alone.
stillafool Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Personaly I don't mind jumping few some hoops to start a romantic relationship with a girl. I don't scare off easy so in the begining I don't let much get to me. I've had the thing happen where everything is going great and you get the girls top off and she just doesn't want to have sex that night happen. It's a little frustrating but its nothing that would make me stop liking the girl. Flakeyness is my biggest turn off when starting a relationship, I would still feel the same way about a girl if things got hot and heavy and ended with out sex even if it seemed like it was going to happen. I think most men feel this way when they really like a girl.
BobSacamento Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You should have used my suggestion and invited him over for a homemade dinner. Of course he doesn't want to go horseback riding and get all worked up for nothing again (in his mind another tease and no sex). But, with dinner he at least knows he is going to get a good home cooked meal and (maybe) sex which you probably would have felt more comfortable doing in your own home and alone. Maybe sex? Totally wrong. A man going over to a womans house for a dinner will be EXPECTING sex.
Author marsle85 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 If I would have done that- we would have had dinner at my place, had sex and then I would be in the same position I am now. I don't think sex will change anything, now or when I was at his home. He was obviously looking for something/someone else - I didn't provide whatever that factor was. If he had liked me, or was looking for what I was looking for- a misstep in the sexual area would not have deterred him, especially with my apologetic explanation.
MalachiX Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I think most debate about how long to make a guy wait for sex is BS. Every guy wants to get laid. Many guys also want a relationship. Most don't consider the two mutually exclusive. If a guy is interested in you as a potential girlfriend, he still wants to have sex as soon as possible. When you have sex isn't likely to change his opinion of you as relationship material one way or the other. With many guys, it's just a step on the path and, to some extent, once they're over it they start looking for what the next step is and how to move forward with the relationship. Some may even have trouble feeling close to you and being in a committed relationship when they havn't been intimate and found out of you two are sexually compatible. If all a guy wants is just to get in your pants, he may be willing to go along with the dating stuff for quite some time but will still decide to get out of there when the sex becomes boring. I know of a lot of guys who have taken their time but where still just interested in booty. In some cases, the guys then feel obligated to continue with the relationship afterwards but is that really what you want? Do you really want a guy who is sticking with you because he either wants sex or feels obligated to after sex? I think it's perfectly fine to wait until you feel comfortable enough with a guy to sleep with him. I don't think you should feel rushed or do anything you don't want to. What I do think is a bad idea is giving or withholding sex based on some sort of time table you are convinced will ensure a relationship. That most likely WILL make a guy frustrated.
St. Nick Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I think most debate about how long to make a guy wait for sex is BS. Every guy wants to get laid. Many guys also want a relationship. Most don't consider the two mutually exclusive. If a guy is interested in you as a potential girlfriend, he still wants to have sex as soon as possible. When you have sex isn't likely to change his opinion of you as relationship material one way or the other. With many guys, it's just a step on the path and, to some extent, once they're over it they start looking for what the next step is and how to move forward with the relationship. Some may even have trouble feeling close to you and being in a committed relationship when they havn't been intimate and found out of you two are sexually compatible. If all a guy wants is just to get in your pants, he may be willing to go along with the dating stuff for quite some time but will still decide to get out of there when the sex becomes boring. I know of a lot of guys who have taken their time but where still just interested in booty. In some cases, the guys then feel obligated to continue with the relationship afterwards but is that really what you want? Do you really want a guy who is sticking with you because he either wants sex or feels obligated to after sex? I think it's perfectly fine to wait until you feel comfortable enough with a guy to sleep with him. I don't think you should feel rushed or do anything you don't want to. What I do think is a bad idea is giving or withholding sex based on some sort of time table you are convinced will ensure a relationship. That most likely WILL make a guy frustrated. 100% true. I've got my own saved document file where "smart quotes from the internet" and I'm gonna put this in there. It's stupid to believe that withholding sex really makes a guy like you more. I'm sure there are some real young dudes who think that way, but a mature dude says, "If I like a woman, sex on the first date ain't gonna change none of that". Sadly, women ain't gonna listen to you, man. They'll continue to believe that sex is the only tool to control a man. They don't know that if a dude gets wind of the fact that she's using sex to control her then he's definitely going to start losing interest. Even though this is gonna fall on deaf ears, I wanna say thanks for posting it anyway. It put me in a good mood to finally see a LS member who thinks like I do. It's nice to feel better; I was feeling a bit rapey this morning.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 If I would have done that- we would have had dinner at my place, had sex and then I would be in the same position I am now. I don't think sex will change anything, now or when I was at his home. He was obviously looking for something/someone else - I didn't provide whatever that factor was. If he had liked me, or was looking for what I was looking for- a misstep in the sexual area would not have deterred him, especially with my apologetic explanation. I'm sorry Marsle, I thought you wanted to have sex with him too. I do think he would have accepted the dinner invitation and would have thought oh, she's coming around. I have to agree that withholding sex after a certain amount of time (and you want it to) is not going to make him like you more. I don't know as much about this guy as you do, but it sounds like you like him alot and want to sleep with him also. Tell me again, what is it you want from him before you will give into your feelings for him?
LadyRLD Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 If I would have done that- we would have had dinner at my place, had sex and then I would be in the same position I am now. I don't think sex will change anything, now or when I was at his home. He was obviously looking for something/someone else - I didn't provide whatever that factor was. If he had liked me, or was looking for what I was looking for- a misstep in the sexual area would not have deterred him, especially with my apologetic explanation. Bingo!! you hit the nail on the head. There isn't anything that you could have possibly done to make him more interested. Certainly not having sex. So be happy you didn't have sex with him and move on. You should celebrate the fact that you dodged a bullet witn your self-respect in tact.
threebyfate Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 For certain no one "owes" sex to anyone. But having sex with someone who you're uncertain of, is counterproductive, since sex generates bonding hormones, in most women. Why bond with someone who's gonna' fly? It's a recipe for heartbreak.
Author marsle85 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I did want to have sex with him too, and I would have- had I not had my period. He sent me a vague text the other day- something about how his phone was acting up. I reiterated my last invitation and he replied: "I'd like to, but my schedule is crazzzy coming up." I replied: "Ah. My phone worked, I got the message;)" hahaha- atleast I ended it with my pride and got to laugh at my last text. Having time to reflect - I still don't understand what the dealbreaking moment was for him. It doesn't make a difference, but it would be good to know for next time. I can't help but think things would have been different had I slept with him. Not necessarily for the better, I know... but different.
SarahRose Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I did want to have sex with him too, and I would have- had I not had my period. He sent me a vague text the other day- something about how his phone was acting up. I reiterated my last invitation and he replied: "I'd like to, but my schedule is crazzzy coming up." I replied: "Ah. My phone worked, I got the message;)" hahaha- atleast I ended it with my pride and got to laugh at my last text. Having time to reflect - I still don't understand what the dealbreaking moment was for him. It doesn't make a difference, but it would be good to know for next time. I can't help but think things would have been different had I slept with him. Not necessarily for the better, I know... but different. I don't think there was any dealbreaking moment with him. He just never was that interested in the first place. The only difference if you did have sex with him would be feeling foolish when he didn't want to see you anymore or if he just came around for sex.
bayouboi Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Having time to reflect - I still don't understand what the dealbreaking moment was for him. It doesn't make a difference, but it would be good to know for next time. I can't help but think things would have been different had I slept with him. Not necessarily for the better, I know... but different. That's because you've probably embraced most of the women's responses in this thread that have given you support, encouragement, girlpower, etc. while ignoring the responses of the majority of the men in this thread. Next time, don't take things so far if you're not ready or at least communicate very clearly what your intentions are and you won't have this problem. If you'll recall, I predicted way on the first page (post number 3 in fact) that he would drop you if he is a well balanced man with plenty of options.
Author marsle85 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 That's because you've probably embraced most of the women's responses in this thread that have given you support, encouragement, girlpower, etc. while ignoring the responses of the majority of the men in this thread. Next time, don't take things so far if you're not ready or at least communicate very clearly what your intentions are and you won't have this problem. If you'll recall, I predicted way on the first page (post number 3 in fact) that he would drop you if he is a well balanced man with plenty of options. So you're saying the main reason he dropped me is because I didn't have sex with him. After his investment, don't you think it would be foolish not to atleast try again - especially after my apologetic text the following day? So theoretically, if I were to walk into his the next day, or hell- TODAY - and threw him on the couch... it wouldn't matter? I'm already in the "no-go-relationship" cateogory... Because the damage was done and I ruined his game?
carhill Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 He accepts your behaviors, as demonstrated to him, as who you are. That evidently doesn't match up with what he wants. I have found this to be true with the ladies I've dated so far as well. They're not wrong or behave badly. I identify and accept behaviors which I know will not be healthy for me long-term and accept that they (the ladies) behave that way because they *want* to and *choose* to. Free will. Acceptance. Next
bayouboi Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 So you're saying the main reason he dropped me is because I didn't have sex with him. Not at all. Not having sex with him isn't a problem. Leading him to the point that he thinks you're going to have sex with him and then cut him off while you're half naked is where the problem started. After his investment, don't you think it would be foolish not to atleast try again - especially after my apologetic text the following day? What investment? Wasn't this like ya'lls 3rd or 4th date? Like I said, if he's got plenty of options, why set himself up to be disappointed with you again? So theoretically, if I were to walk into his the next day, or hell- TODAY - and threw him on the couch... it wouldn't matter? I'm already in the "no-go-relationship" cateogory... Because the damage was done and I ruined his game? I have no idea if you're permanently out of a chance with him, but as pretty as you are why get hung up on him anyhow? I'm sure you've got plenty of options, too.
Author marsle85 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I know, I've never been in this position before. It was the first time where I actually felt out of my league... It's not so much the rejection I hate, it's that I actually felt he was a catch... I appreciate your advice. There's nothing I can do now, right? Oh well.
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