neoskunk Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I'm not going to tell my story but for anyone who doesn't know.... After a long relationship (4 years) and an extremely long and drawn out break up (5 months) the girl tells me that basically I am holding her back. She said she feels like I am her crutch and that she needs to learn to do things for herself. She can't grow while she's with me and doesn't want any relationship right now. Pretty much the classic you are a great guy, its me thing. We both decide to go NC. Her because she says all she thinks about is me. I because I can't take her crap anymore. 5 months is a long time to string someone on and not know what you want. I am trying to learn from this. What is she feeling? How can she think about me everyday yet want to get over me? I'm not trying to get her back I'm just trying to figure out if this is going to happen to me again or if it's just something that happened because we are young. We had been dating since we were 16 (i am now almost 21). I have realized people change alot over the years. are these changes basically what she is talking about?
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Ok, great, you're young so it's the best time to learn. So learn this: You can never, ever, EVER know, decipher, understand or have insight into "Why"s. Never ask these questions. One, they'll never be answered satisfactorily, and Two, any answers you get will simply generate more questions. You can never, ever truly know somebody else's motives, no matter how hard you try. For one thing, they will give you reasons to appease you and not hurt your feelings (hence the 'it's not you, it's me' , and the classic 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you'.) For another thing, it's really quite unusual that in such a state of confusion, they actually know themselves. All they know is - "This isn't working for me". Your only course of action is to go No Contact. Read the Caliguy's no Contact Guide in my signature. It's possibly one of the wisest and most accurate things you will ever learn. Read it thoroughly, understand, accept and believe that it really does work (yes, it really does!) and implement it 100%, and 100% of the time. Stop asking these questions, stop seeking answers and turn your focus entirely on you, and being the contented serene guy you can be. it will pay dividends and stand you in good stead. Trust me. (on the sunscreen).
counterman Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It is normal to have questions running through your mind when this happens. As TaraMaiden said, you will never get satisfactory answers. Take it from me that after my break-up, I had a lot questions to about why it happened and what she was thinking. The problem was that I was still hurting and, by focusing on her, I prolonged my suffering. Sure I received some answers after analysing my situations and putting my feelings aside but, in the end, you'll never be able to grasp why it happened the way it did. Like, why didn't she tell me this earlier when she started to feel this? Read that guide, it does really help and focus on yourself. By focusing on yourself, I mean do things you enjoy, hang out with your friends, work out, spend time with your family, start a new class in something and focus on your career. It's all you now.
Author neoskunk Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 thanks guys. i am going NC thats a given. i don't even want her back anymore. and I am content I just thought that maybe there was something to learn from all this. I guess the real thing to learn is to just be myself. you can't change who you are for someone else. i guess you could try but in the end things would eventually go back to the way they were.
dreamer0123 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Ok, great, you're young so it's the best time to learn. So learn this: You can never, ever, EVER know, decipher, understand or have insight into "Why"s. Never ask these questions. One, they'll never be answered satisfactorily, and Two, any answers you get will simply generate more questions. You can never, ever truly know somebody else's motives, no matter how hard you try. For one thing, they will give you reasons to appease you and not hurt your feelings (hence the 'it's not you, it's me' , and the classic 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you'.) For another thing, it's really quite unusual that in such a state of confusion, they actually know themselves. All they know is - "This isn't working for me". Your only course of action is to go No Contact. Read the Caliguy's no Contact Guide in my signature. It's possibly one of the wisest and most accurate things you will ever learn. Read it thoroughly, understand, accept and believe that it really does work (yes, it really does!) and implement it 100%, and 100% of the time. Stop asking these questions, stop seeking answers and turn your focus entirely on you, and being the contented serene guy you can be. it will pay dividends and stand you in good stead. Trust me. (on the sunscreen). I think thinking and asking these questions are natural.. I mean we have high expectations of our significant other and when things don't work out- it's more than just anger that comes out- is disappointment... (mixed with anger and sadness). My ex and I split up 5 months ago- I still love him (and I'm pretty sure he still loves me) but I'm just SOOOOO disappointed in him and in his choices- but we can't control what the other one is thinking (or their reasoning)- ... It sux.
Author neoskunk Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 yea i know i feel ya. its just hard for me to understand the logic behind telling someone you miss them yet don't want to be with them. I can understand loving someone and not wanting to be with them because you feel things just won't work between the two of you but missing someone and thinking about them daily? I don't know i guess i just like to think of things in terms of black and white and thats definately not how relationships are.
alphamale Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I'm not trying to get her back I'm just trying to figure out if this is going to happen to me again or if it's just something that happened because we are young. oh it'll happen again brother
Fouts Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Don't play too much into it. You were high school sweethearts and grew apart. It happens 99% of the time.
Author neoskunk Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Don't play too much into it. You were high school sweethearts and grew apart. It happens 99% of the time. haha i'll have to agree with you on that one. same thing is happening almost verbatim to my friends as well. i just wish i hadn't put so much into this relationship. i have definately learned its important to be ok by yourself. I swear I will never depend on a woman this much again. :/
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