Do you know why you broke up? That probably wasn't the real reason

[believe]

First of I'd like to thank all those who posted on this website. Everyone has been so helpful and I feel that maybe I could possibly put it some input that may help someone. Hope this helps!!

 

My ex-gf broke up with about a month ago and I can remember how I felt that day. I BLAMED HER. This was her fault and I did everything I could to make the relationship work. She's just stupid. After thinking about now for a couple months I realized that maybe not the case.

 

The REASON we broke up was because we had gotten into a fight and it really hurt her. This in turn made her distant and when I tried to fix things, it made it even worse. Sound Familiar? Well looking back it as hindsight is 20/20, I realized that it was not necessarily the fight that ended everything.

 

Now if the other cheated on you or treated you wrong, well then that would be the real REASON. But it my case, I did things that undercut her emotions. And I did not realize at the time but I was pushing her away effortlessly.

 

I always go by this example I read about. Lets say you and your gf get in an argument about cleaning stuff up. You always tell her that you will but never do it. Finally one day she badgers you enough and she gets upset and startts crying. So we think okay, I can clean up and fix everything. That is not the case and you break up.

 

While many people would argue, well if you cleaned up in the first place you wouldn't be in this mess, which in rare cases is true. But usually I find that their is an underlying reason you broke up. Its not because you didnt clean, -its because you didnt keep your word. This sub-communicates to your gf that she can't trust you. Remember all communication is 20% words/ 80% body language.

 

It most cases, the fight that caused you two to break was the straw broke the camels back. Most of the time, there has been something going on that your not picking up on. And she won't consciously pick up on it either. But she will FEEL it sooner or later. Thats why girls always say they LOST THEIR FEELINGS as the number one reason they break up.

 

Your not giving them what they want. And most of the time you are so clouded by the relationship that you won't realize how your sabotaging your own relationship till later down the line. Live and learn my friends.

 

While this is a generalization, I think it can reach many people.

Hope all is well.

 

-BELIEVE

[monkeymaid]

i thnk this is a fantastic observation. ...i also think that from this observation is a lesson. and it brings a question to my mind

 

how can i back track and learn from this so that next time i will recognize it and be able to take care of it right away.

 

i agree whole heartedly with you and does put the burden on both peoples shoulders as it turns into a chicken vs egg argument.

 

in reality, it is not the responsibility of say the man to just know what is going on in her head, and figure it out, but it is also the womans responsibility to talk and make sure they are being understood. the mans job to respond in kind, keep his word, and protect her/provide ...whatever. it is the womans responsibility to support, build up, communicate and bridge emotions (i dunno about u but i am emotionally clue less when its vague!!)

 

 

just a little support to your observation

[neoskunk]

I think this more shows that in most cases there is nothing wrong with either person, they simply are not compatible. If every problem could be "solved" by communication and understanding than anyone could have a long standing relationship with anyone else. some people simply cannot get along. the best relationships are ones in which these problems don't arise. simply being yourself is enough for the other person.

[counterman]

I agree that sometimes people are not compatible. Though, I think some relationships are doomed to fail before they even start. It takes a person to really know what he or she wants as a partner to have the best chance of a relationship with someone. Even slight interest is not enough, in my opinion. There will always be something missing, something inadequate if someone begins a relationship with another based on slight interest.

 

Now, in my last relationship, my ex-girlfriend said things she never showed. I believed her words blindly and trusted them. Although, looking back before our relationship even started, there were indications that we were not going to be compatible, that she wasn't as attracted to me as she says, that she just didn't feel the same. She kept saying she knows what she wanted but all she wanted was someone else who was not available. It's a cruel world. Thing about it this way, I could give her all I can and everything she want and it still won't be enough. Whatever I did wouldn't have been enough. It wasn't because I couldn't give her what she wanted, she just wanted what I could give her from someone else.

 

All that explains why I was fighting so hard to make ends meet, whilst she looked to give up every time we had a disagreement. If she only told me what she really felt and what she really thought, it wouldn't have ended with "I just don't feel the same anymore". All in all, I should have ended it ages ago because this really took it's toll on me. However, I am blessed to have learnt the lessons I've learnt and improving myself will go a long way to meeting someone more than I deserve.

[OFTBC]

This is exactly what I unknowingly did. I would start an argument because I knew each time she would forgive me. What I didn't realise tho was she never actually forgave me and each argument only pushed her further and further away.

 

I also thought I did everything possible to make it work but now realise that I didn't. I used to blame her for not trying hard enough but she was trying all along to forgive me but in the end just had enough.

[believe]

At the end of the day, I do truly believe some people are compatible and some are not. Thats the juxtaposition of dating. Its endless circle of finding someone compatible. You share your deepest most intimate secrets with someone and come to find out it doesn't work out. Then you do it all over again!!!! LOL we people just love putting ourselves through the wire.

 

Anyways I'd like to point out that we are always clouded by our relationships when we judge whats going on in our relationships. At the end of the day, when you look back at what has occurred it is only ONE POINT OF VIEW. You must learn to look at everything from multiple objectives and use your own decision making for the best possible objective.

 

MONKEYMAID, the best possible way of learning from your mistakes is first accepting them. You can not change the past. So many times people rewind what they could have done to make things work but at the end of the day what has happened has happened. In other word IT IS WHAT IS.

 

With that being said, to be better at it in the future i'd advise two things.

 

1. Never lose your cool. Relationships are all about emotion. And as soon as you lose control of your emotions your dead in the water. NEVER BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Of course everyone has mild insecurities, but if something really big bothers you address it and move on.

 

2. Look at the moment for what it truly is. When you and your significant other get in a fight or argument, you truly have to be in the moment. I GUARANTEE WHEN YOU FOUGHT a BILLION THINGS were in your head about past events and future events. Like, SHE SAID THIS BEFORE and NOW SHES ACTING LIKE THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH in your mind. React to what is goin on now, not what she said before. This is KEY. Be outside your head. Try and really figure out what is going on.

 

Finally to OFTBC, hey dude just keep your head up. Although I may have pushed my ex away, I also know that this was not all my fault. Don't put all the blame on yourself. Learn to forgive what you did because you can't change it. It's tough but you'll eventually realize that you'll find someone who will deal with you messin up and still keep you around. Thats true love. No ones perfect.