mimidarlin Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Why do people say it's time to "move on" when I tell them my STBX and I are in proceeding to divorce? Most of the people who tell me this haven't experienced one. Are they trying to be helpful? I just want to say thank you captain obvious. I'm such a smart a$$. I am trying to move on but they say it like it's an easy thing to accomplish.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Its the convienent neutral thing to say? or They've gone through it, been through it, come the otherside of it, survive it and like I? Survived it!
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 When someone tells me they're divorcing or thinking about it, I say 'I'm sorry to hear that; do you want to talk about it?' I've heard it all and often wonder where people think up some of the stuff they say. After all, if someone's spouse died, would you say 'move on'?
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 When someone tells me they're divorcing or thinking about it, I say 'I'm sorry to hear that; do you want to talk about it?' I've heard it all and often wonder where people think up some of the stuff they say. After all, if someone's spouse died, would you say 'move on'? Your a wise and good counsel Carhill! You speak from experience, from knowledge, and wisdom learned from hard living! Your words are true!
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Oh, I do put a limit on the 'talking about' it part. Some people seem to forget I'm going through one of those (divorces) myself. OP, hope things go as amicably as possible under the circumstances. It sure seems to make the 'moving on' process a simpler and easier one. A final gift from a union which once had great meaning
Author mimidarlin Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 Things are going amicably. It is still difficult to get him to communicate clearly as it was during the marriage. He avoids saying things to avoid conflict but it really leads to more confusion and conflict. When will he realize this? I am being so damn reasonable. I am working hard to make the best of a damn difficult situation. We had an argument about when the divorce will be put before the court today. It's up to us to tell the court we are ready for a date since we filed for separation and now have transitioned to dissolution. There are details to be ironed out about the decree and settlement. I'm really struggling emotionally and with my health. I am barely keeping my head above water. The date I proposed was for the end of June or beginning of July. I will be going on a vacation for several weeks in June. This made him really annoyed. He wants it ASAP. I explained him again how he just doesn't appreciate how difficult this year has been for me. I emphasized how much I am still dealing with my father's death last June and really don't want our divorce to be near the date of his death he finally backed down. I told him that if it can be accomplished before the end of May then I will work with him on that. Otherwise I want to wait until the end of June or July. He is interested in making a lump sum payment rather than do alimony in lieu of property. That's if he can get a personal loan from a family member. He thought I should be expect to accept less than the total settlement if he paid a lump sum. Totally up to my discretion buddy. He proposed a reason for the settlement amount being reduced. Helping to pay off my student loans and credit card early in the marriage. I agreed to this because the loans were pretty large. These are things he want to avoid saying because he thinks it will cause an argument. I don't think he will ever realize that unless people discuss issues they can't be resolved. Not talking means we have to guess about what the other person is thinking. Not a good plan
carhill Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I haven't followed your story. Are you already living separately? IMO, finding a win-win is the goal of settling. Each will have to give something. Crunch the numbers and show real comparisons, like in your alimony versus lump sum discussion. For example, is it worth money to you to not have to deal with him sending you an alimony check for xxx years; to make things 'final'? IDK. If it is, assign it a number. Negotiate that to something mutually agreeable. If you see it going nowhere, table it 'Let's get back to this later' and move on to the next item. So on and so forth. We settled up all our property/debt issues prior to filing. Doing that simplified a lot of issues wrt deeds/taxes/recordings, etc. YMMV. MC really helped us during this phase. The tools for communication made things more direct and calm, yet each of us wouldn't abrogate our boundaries for the sake of 'getting along'. So, now, we get along fine. If issues come up, we'll deal with them and move through them and 'move on'.
Fouts Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's just a normal response from people who generally aren't interested in the details of a breakup or split.
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