ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 1 month ago because I wanted to take the relationship to the next level and start planning a future together and he wasn't ready for it. After few attemps from him to reach me right after the break up ( i never responded to those) we stayed NC for about 2 weeks. Then i broke NC and called him on his bday. He was very happy to hear from me and he asked if we could hang out for a coffee. We met up and discussed everything all over again, he seemed devasted and was crying like a baby, however he was still sticking with his decision as he knows he can't give me what i want. After that day, he kept calling to ask how am i doing. Sometimes, our phone conversations would be nice and sweet and he would talk to me like with the same tone as when we were together. He will always bring the topic of break up saying that this is a very sh...y situation and he never thought it would end like this, but he thinks there is no solution to that, we can't get back together the way we were before. He says he knows he will regret this decision but by then i will be gone and this makes him feel miserable. He has asked me several times if i wanted to join him on the trip we had planned for his bday before we broke up, to which i of course said 'No". He asked me to block him from facebook, msn and skype becuase he can't help himself checkin on whether I am online or not, what am i up to,etc. When he called yesterday, I didnt feel like talking, i told him this doesn't make sense and i don't want him to call me anymore because i can't take it anymore and "it is over". He said he understands it and reminded me that i ever wanted to talk to him I could call him at any time. What does he have in mind? Is he just doing this to heal himself slowly or he is just keeping the option open? I am so confused and don't know what to do. Any ideas from you guys?
Rearden Metal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 How old are you guys? Do you think you're maybe pushing him a bit too soon?
StrugglingS Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 How old are you guys? Do you think you're maybe pushing him a bit too soon? Depends on their age, but I know a lot of people that would say that 2.5 years is plenty long enough to be moving to the next stage. Having said that, depends which next stage - moving in together? Getting engaged? Getting married? Personally I think he's just struggling with his decision - he clearly thinks he's made the right decision, but is unable to completely close the deal just yet - we all second-guess ourselves on a big decision like that - I know I did when I split up with my ex.
Rearden Metal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Depends on their age, but I know a lot of people that would say that 2.5 years is plenty long enough to be moving to the next stage. Having said that, depends which next stage - moving in together? Getting engaged? Getting married? Personally I think he's just struggling with his decision - he clearly thinks he's made the right decision, but is unable to completely close the deal just yet - we all second-guess ourselves on a big decision like that - I know I did when I split up with my ex. Good points. It could be that OP has personality traits that her ex is choosing to pay attention to rather than ignore. He could, in fact, be being incredibly rational in his decision.
Author ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 He is 27, I am 31. The next level for me was to get to talk about a future together, we never talked about anything like this in the past 2.5 years. He thought the reason why I started talking about it now was becuase I want to get married now, and he is not ready for it and can't even think about it now. Then when i ask him when will you feel ready, he said he doesn't know and can't promise anything, but he has been with me for so long because he does see a future with me. He took the decision of breaking because he said is better for me and he doesn't want to string me along for another couple of years without being sure that it will happen by then. I know he is being honest at least, but that also tells me he is not sure about marrying me one day...Advice please!!!
Rearden Metal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Really tough one there. His honesty, in this case, seems to be genuine, which is a great quality. A lot of guys might fib to put off the breakup. I don't know. I think he's giving you an out, but haven't the slightest idea why. You have to ask him yourself.
Author ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 I did, and all the answers i got was he doesn't even know, that's just the way he feels. His reasonings sometimes seem pretty immature. I have also told him to give it a try and take things where we left them and just stay together the way we used to be (we were a great couple and madly in love until we got to talk about this). He says is not gonna work, because he knows what I want and he will feel forced to make a decision at some point soon and I will bring this topic up again all the time. I just don't know what to do. Should I continue talking to him or just stick with NC until we both clear our heads out?
D-Lish Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 After 2.5 years he should really have some idea what he wants in the future. However, if he felt the pressure to get married when he wasn't ready to take that step- I don't view his waivering response as unusual. He is only 27 afterall- which is still young. I suspect he has made this break up all about the "getting married" pressure. What does the "next step" look like to you? What is his idea of the "next step"? If your next step is engagement and he isn't ready, then yes, you should discontinue contact. You can't will someone to want to get married, and quite frankly, why would you want to? It's much more meaningful if they come to that conclusion in their own time frame. If his time frame doesn't match yours and that isn't acceptable to you, then it's about the two of you wanting different things right now.
Author ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 My all point was for him to let me know if he had made up his mind to marry me one day, doesn't matter when. He wasn't ready to give that promise to me. He said what he had in mind was to be together like we were til now for another 1-2 years and then see what happens after that. So, it is not about the pressure of getting married now, it is all about him not knowing whether he wants that with me one day or not. I could have waited for another 1 before starting to talk about this, but I think would have got the same response. He said maybe yes or maybe he would have asked me about that..who knows...But I am not 15 years old willing to live a relationship with no clue where this is taking me, waiting for him to clear his 'maybes' in his mind.... I think staying NC will do me good, but I just still have that little false hope inside me that he may reconsider all this..I just don't know...
D-Lish Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 My all point was for him to let me know if he had made up his mind to marry me one day, doesn't matter when. He wasn't ready to give that promise to me. I think staying NC will do me good, but I just still have that little false hope inside me that he may reconsider all this..I just don't know... Believe me when I tell you, ALL he heard was the word "marriage", he didn't hear anything else. As much as you didn't intend to pressure- he felt the pressure. At this point in your life, you really want guarantees- and he isn't capable of giving you any. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or wouldn't progress to the stage where he can make this next step given time. It's also possible he may never be ready to make this leap. He can't give you this promise, and you need this promise to stay with him. I actually think it's a good time for the two of you to take a real time out to figure things out - without contact.
dreamer0123 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Believe me when I tell you, ALL he heard was the word "marriage", he didn't hear anything else. As much as you didn't intend to pressure- he felt the pressure. At this point in your life, you really want guarantees- and he isn't capable of giving you any. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or wouldn't progress to the stage where he can make this next step given time. It's also possible he may never be ready to make this leap. He can't give you this promise, and you need this promise to stay with him. I actually think it's a good time for the two of you to take a real time out to figure things out - without contact. OMG! The exact same thing happened to me. My ex and I were together for 3 years (He's 28, me 29) and I needed to know where our relationship was going and he couldn't give me answer. We split in Oct and remained on LC (spoke once every 3 weeks usually initiated by him). Lately it's been super hard on me (our birthdays are coming up)..and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything I'm really sorry you are going through this... all I can tell you is that at least you were honest with yourself... and it's easier to find out now rather than months down the road. Hang in there and message for support (I know I still need it!)
Rearden Metal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Believe me when I tell you, ALL he heard was the word "marriage", he didn't hear anything else. As much as you didn't intend to pressure- he felt the pressure. At this point in your life, you really want guarantees- and he isn't capable of giving you any. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or wouldn't progress to the stage where he can make this next step given time. It's also possible he may never be ready to make this leap. He can't give you this promise, and you need this promise to stay with him. I actually think it's a good time for the two of you to take a real time out to figure things out - without contact. I'll cosign this. Great advice.
Author ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 OMG! The exact same thing happened to me. My ex and I were together for 3 years (He's 28, me 29) and I needed to know where our relationship was going and he couldn't give me answer. We split in Oct and remained on LC (spoke once every 3 weeks usually initiated by him). Lately it's been super hard on me (our birthdays are coming up)..and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything I'm really sorry you are going through this... all I can tell you is that at least you were honest with yourself... and it's easier to find out now rather than months down the road. Hang in there and message for support (I know I still need it!) Im sorry to hear the same happened to you. I can imagine what you went through. I can see even after 5 months you are still hurt and not healed. I am wondering if it is also going to take me that long to get over it. Are you still hoping to get back with him?
soleharmony1123 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 OMG! The exact same thing happened to me. My ex and I were together for 3 years (He's 28, me 29) and I needed to know where our relationship was going and he couldn't give me answer. We split in Oct and remained on LC (spoke once every 3 weeks usually initiated by him). Lately it's been super hard on me (our birthdays are coming up)..and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything I'm really sorry you are going through this... all I can tell you is that at least you were honest with yourself... and it's easier to find out now rather than months down the road. Hang in there and message for support (I know I still need it!) So, is it TABOO of some sort to ask a man where the relationship is heading or for reassurance of where it's going when he's stated his intentions with you in the future are marriage? I have to "join the club" here because that's what prompted my ex to give me the "I need space" speech also, coupled with the fact that I was beginning to feel everyone was a priority except me. So what must a woman do - yes, I know - NC and act as if you just don't give a rat's booty about the ex.
dreamer0123 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Im sorry to hear the same happened to you. I can imagine what you went through. I can see even after 5 months you are still hurt and not healed. I am wondering if it is also going to take me that long to get over it. Are you still hoping to get back with him? Hmmm- I'm not going to lie- I do *hope* we can get back together but too be honest- I know a LOT is going to have to change if we do. There would be no point to start things up again if we are not on the same page- because then you end up in the same situation how ever long later. He is the one who has to come around with a compromise. I don't regret talking to him about this at all because I needed to know either way.. I do love him with all my heart and I know he loves me which is why its taken me so long to deal with this (that and other family stuff). How are you doing today??!
Author ciu Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Hmmm- I'm not going to lie- I do *hope* we can get back together but too be honest- I know a LOT is going to have to change if we do. There would be no point to start things up again if we are not on the same page- because then you end up in the same situation how ever long later. He is the one who has to come around with a compromise. I don't regret talking to him about this at all because I needed to know either way.. I do love him with all my heart and I know he loves me which is why its taken me so long to deal with this (that and other family stuff). How are you doing today??! Well, today same as previous days...it's getting better as times passes by, but I still hurts a lot. I guess you are right, the only one who should come around with a compromise would be him. But I think if they (my bf or yours) would have had a compromise in mind already, they wouldn't have taken it that far as to break up. sometimes i feel like the "marriage topic" was more of an excuse to get out of the relationship rather than the real true reason.
dreamer0123 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Well, today same as previous days...it's getting better as times passes by, but I still hurts a lot. I guess you are right, the only one who should come around with a compromise would be him. But I think if they (my bf or yours) would have had a compromise in mind already, they wouldn't have taken it that far as to break up. sometimes i feel like the "marriage topic" was more of an excuse to get out of the relationship rather than the real true reason. Relationships are always about compromise- so is marriage and everything afterwards... it takes two to compromise right? I know my ex loves me a lot and I know we grew a lot together but when my ex and I went through this- I told him I must have been the wrong girl for him then. Who knows what will happen in the future- but we weren't on the same page for what I wanted now. My ex is a great guy- and this totally caught me off guard... so that's why it's still really hard for me... I mean this is the guy I wanted to marry and had pictured life with-so for me it was a pretty big blow. What I promised myself is that I wouldn't mope at home... I make an effort to hang out with friends and keep as busy as possible with other activities. It doesn't make the pain go away but it helps clear your mind for a while...
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