My Boyfriend of over two years asked for space

[aarmpa]

We don't have communication problems, but I think in this paticular instance where there is a chance that I may leave him that might worry him (I mean when I would actually call him to ask him if we could get together and talk). We both want to continue this relationship but I think that (I'm not trying to puff myself up) he doesn't want to lose me. The reason why I say this is because he constantly has said numerous times that he can't imagine life without me and I also feel the same way. Thank you for the advice if anything else happens I will let you know.

[aarmpa]

Hi again,

 

I received an Easter card today from my boyfriend asking if I wanted to go to Good Friday Mass but in the same breath saying he still wants space. I ended up emailing him that I don't think we should go to Mass together if he hasn't figure this out.

[georgia girl]

I think you have to have a serious chat with him and be prepared to accept that its over. I know that's hard to hear, but hopefully it's a little bit better hearing it from an anonymous stranger than him first. At least this way, you can be prepared.

 

IMHO, he needs space because he cares for you but he doesn't love you enough to take your relationship to the next level - marriage and kids. So, he's frantically trying to distance himself to see if the old feelings come back. Why? He's learned that behavior. My best guess is that this guy is a commitment phobe and he's learned that once he breaks up with a woman, he winds up missing her like crazy. However, as most commitment phobes do, he also has a trigger and when that switch flips to the "off" position as far as his emotions towards you, he doesn't have the personal coping skills nor the self-awareness to realize that this behavior is not acceptable and is self-destructive.

 

Let him go and let him miss you. Then, if he really wants you back, make counselling a deal breaker. He may say no. If so, you need to cut your losses. He may agree and then I think you'd have a real shot at making it work out. (My "ex" is now my fiance... but we needed a LOT of counseling). Basically, he needs to learn emotional coping skills if he wants a healthy relationship. You will need to learn to not enable his poor coping behaviors (which is what I think you're doing right now).

 

Remember: while your relationship was good once, he is now sabatoging it and thereby de-valuing it. Demand and expect a healthy, good relationship. If he can't - or won't - make the changes to allow that to happen, you really are better off without him. And this comes from someone who was 38 when she turned away her commitment phobe boyfriend looking for a second chance. Eventually, he got one but I am very positive that we did it the healthy way.

[aarmpa]

I forgot to mention that at the end of the email I said that I am the point of reflecting about our relationship. I have decided to contact him in two weeks to have a serious conversation. If he calls me before then to sit down and talk I am going to tell him that I am not ready to do that. Maybe when he realizes that I am going to take control of the situation he'll realize that he has to figure out whether he wants to stay in the relationship and if he is prepared to work for it. The thing that gets me is that when the relationship was really good he asked me if I would adopt children (more than once) and we even went to an agency (his suggestion) to find out more about it (he also did research about this without telling me because it is through the state not a private agency). Also he was the one who initially brought up marriage and I made sure that he understood that I wasn't going to pressure him if that is not what he wanted. Before this all happened he would say that he couldn't imagine life without me and I said the same thing to him. Oh, by the way when he initially told me he needed space he again said he couldn't imagine life without me (I feel the same way). As far as counseling, I don't know maybe he would do it. We both have individual spiritual directors but of course we would have to do this type of couseling together. As far as enabling him, maybe I have done that. There have been times when he has done something wrong and I stand up to him he than realizes that he was an idiot for doing that and he gets worried I will leave him and I end up forgiving him. Before all of this went down he always treated me like a lady, showed me he loved me in so many ways, supported in everything I do and been there for me during difficult times; general behaving like a boyfriend should behave. He has taken me to a lot of family events; brother's wedding, parent's 50th wedding anniversary, mother and father's day, neice's communion, nephew's baptism, brother's birthday, Christmas party at his sister-in-law's house where a lot of his family that I never met were there and a memorial service for another brother. All of these are really important family events and he constantly includes me in them and he always says that it is important that I was part of the day. This is what really drives me crazy why does he do all of this if he is so scared? It doesn't make too much sense to me.

[aarmpa]

Oh one more thing that I forgot to mention one of his brothers and him created a video montage for his parent's 50th anniversary and there are two places where I am in it and when I asked him why he did that he said that I am very important to his family. Now that is a permanent record. Why is he doing this to me????? Also when they took the family picture of that day he insisted that I be part of the photo (the only person who is not part of the family).

[Austen]

I've been in your shoes. Several years ago I had a wonderful relationship with a man for almost 2 1/2 years. We had nothing but love and respect for each other. Two years into it we reached an empass (he decided he didn't want children after all). That's not really important to this post, but it was ultimately the catalyst for our break-up. Anyway, he told me he wanted a break. I knew he wasn't cheating on me, and I wasn't interested in anyone else. That break lasted all of three days, and he came back to me crying, telling me how much he missed me. Well, a couple months after that, I told him I wanted a break (we were still unable to work out the child situation). It was during the break I requested that I realized I loved him but didn't want to be with him anymore. So I ended it. We still loved each other, but we both knew the relationship had run its course. He was and is a wonderful person, and he's since married a really nice woman.

My point is this--take this time to reevaluate your relationship. It sounds like you're both having second-thoughts about whether it's something you want to continue. In the end you may very well end up back together and happy. It's very few lasting relationships that haven't gone through a period like this. Give him his space, and take some time for yourself. You can't make someone want to stay with you--that has to be their decision. I know this is difficult, but no matter how it resolves, you WILL get through it.

[aarmpa]

We do agree about all the important issues for a good marriage - religion, kids and money. But what gets me more than anything is that he put me in two places in the video montage of for his parents' 50th anniversary. The way he did it was not just him and me together but another picture of me and one of neices it was more of like a "family picture". This is not the same as a photograph or a video, this is something that his parent's and family will watch over and over again. I did ask him at the time why he put me in it and he said because I'm important to his family. jeesh. By the way he sent a response to my email about me saying that I don't think it is a good idea to go to Good Friday Mass together because he said he wants space from us and the way the message was worded he really sounded sad about it.