aarmpa Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 My boyfriend says he loves me and always introduces me as his girlfriend, he is affectionate in private and in public, takes me to his family's important events, baptisms, et al. I have also taken him to events. We both have spent time with each other's families and friends they like me as well as my family and friends like him. He treats me well, always suprises me, and we always have fun when we are together even if we are just watching a movie that we have rented. We trust and and support each other especially during difficult times which we have both been through and we both have the same values and beliefs. He says he thinks about me all the time and he can't imagine life without me. I feel the same way. We have talked about marriage and raising a family several times (he initiated the discussion) I have never pressured him on this. Also he suggested that we look into adoption and at his suggestion we went to an agency to investigate it, again I did not pressure him. The crux of the matter is that he says he needs some space (he says he is not "head over heels" in love with me. I don't know that I am either but I can see a future with him. Forgot to mention two things - we are both over 40 and we were friends for about 9 months before we started dating. It's been close to a month and I am a little confused.
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 A request for "space," whether it comes from a man or a woman, is almost always the prelude to a break up. Almost always.
stillafool Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Has it been a month since you talked to him? Unfortunately, here at LS, when someone says their SO said they want space it has usually meant they have someone else in the wings. I hope this is not your case. However, if you aren't in love with this guy and he isn't in love with you, wouldn't it be better to move on and find love? 40 is not old enough to settle for "companionship" alone. I'm not sure any age is. You still have time to find love and then marry. I truly love my h and marriage is not easy. You need love to sustain you when (and they will) the bad times come along.
Author aarmpa Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Actually we went to his brother and sister-in-law's house on Sunday for a baptism. He was affectionate there and at the end of the day when he dropped me off he said again that he needs space. As far as someone waiting in the wings he is very religious and I know for sure that he would break up with me before moving on (morally he thinks cheating is wrong).
Author aarmpa Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 I do love him and he tells me he loves me all the time.
LovelyDaze Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 A request for "space," whether it comes from a man or a woman, is almost always the prelude to a break up. Almost always. I also see that phrase to many times on LS when people come on here for break up advice. Give him the space that he requests. I usually would opt for you to go NC but you may need to elaborate on how it came to that conversation. Was it too much talk about marriage? Did he express some distant or secretive behavior before? If he stated that he would call when he cleared his mind, then let him be the one to call. If you feel comfortable asking him if you two could talk to discuss where you both are at in the relationship, then go ahead and call here in a few days . If you two do get to talk,be honest. If he wants it over, tell him your feelings without begging, bargaining or pleading. Stay strong and just express what you would like to happen. If he doesn't budge, accept it and don't contact him again. Go NC and start the road to healing.
stillafool Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Actually we went to his brother and sister-in-law's house on Sunday for a baptism. He was affectionate there and at the end of the day when he dropped me off he said again that he needs space. As far as someone waiting in the wings he is very religious and I know for sure that he would break up with me before moving on (morally he thinks cheating is wrong). I am not saying he is cheating - yet. There could be someone he is interested in and needs to break it off with you first before he proceeds. Anyway, I'm jumping way ahead, but like another poster said, we really need more info to give our opinions.
Author aarmpa Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 He has never been secretive or distant before. We've discussed marriage probably 4 times in 2 years and he has always initiated the discussion and I have always made it clear that I will not pressure him. Basically as far as this decision he made he wanted to discuss where we move on our relationship from here and he said he wanted a break from 2 weeks to a month. A couple of days after the break he sent me a card to see how I was doing saying he missed me. Two weeks after he asked for the break he sent me a card and my favorite flowers saying he missed me and asking if we should get together which didn't happen until a week later. Then a week after that he asked for space again.
stillafool Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) Have you asked him why he needs space from you? What are his reasons? What is his purpose in this? I just don't understand what 2 weeks away from you will do. What is he going to do during that 2 weeks to a month break that is going to determine your future together. Has he said? Edited March 24, 2010 by stillafool correction add more comments
Author aarmpa Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 As I said previously he is very religious so he is praying and discerning about it. But like I said he say that he thinks about me all the time and told me that he can't imagine life without me (I feel the same way) but he is not "head over heels in love". On Saturday we went to church and he had dinner at my house. Sunday we went to his nephew's baptism. When he dropped me off at my car when we got back he again said he still needs more time. So at the end of this week it will be 5 weeks of "space" minus a few days that we spent time together plus him sending me cards and flowers.
stillafool Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 As I said previously he is very religious so he is praying and discerning about it. But like I said he say that he thinks about me all the time and told me that he can't imagine life without me (I feel the same way) but he is not "head over heels in love". On Saturday we went to church and he had dinner at my house. Sunday we went to his nephew's baptism. When he dropped me off at my car when we got back he again said he still needs more time. So at the end of this week it will be 5 weeks of "space" minus a few days that we spent time together plus him sending me cards and flowers. Okay I understand all of the above. My question is what does he expect to gain by 2 weeks of space from you? Have you asked him this? Have you also asked him why is he still seeing you if he wants space?
MizzBella Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Even if he needs time to pray and think, I see the request for space as unusual. It's not like you were seeing him daily and sucking the life out of him. You are a very patient woman!
Author aarmpa Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 :confused:I know I am patient almost to a fault. On Sunday when he dropped me off at my car and said he still needs more time I couldn't really ask him to clarify what that means because we were in a parking lot with cars going to and fro and adults and kids everywhere. He also had to rush in because he had to go teach Sunday School. I know that wasn't the best time to say that but all day we were around people in close quarters so he couldn't tell me then but on top of all that he was affectionate to me the whole day. I am considering breaking up with him in about 3-4 weeks which is the 3rd anniversary of when we met. I already purchased him an unreturnable gift back in January that I would never use nor would I give it to someone because it is too personal and I would never throw it away. The problem is that I have never felt like this about anyone and I love him and he says the same thing to me all the time too. It's almost like he is a part of my soul. I want to try the NC but unfortunately I had to call him today (didn't want to). I had misplaced my cell phone on Saturday and it could have be in one of two places it wasn't at the first place so I thought it had to be in the second place (his car). Basically I left a message and told him if he had it just leave it in my mailbox and I would be kind of busy today so he didn't need to call me back. Then I found it at home and I had to call back and leave a message so he wouldn't come over even if he didn't find it (which he probably would of done because that is the way he is). I am so confused and mixed up about all of this and I don't know what to do or not to do.
MizzBella Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It sounds like you need to give him the gift of missing you....either that will work or you'll have to move on (but who am I to talk - you should read my threads - haha). I know it is very painful, but I think someone who really cherishes you will be there for you when you need him.
Author aarmpa Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 There is another thing he said that during this whole "space" thing that if something is going on to let him know or reach out if I am having a hard time with anything not just the "break" from the relationship.
LovelyDaze Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It sounds like you need to give him the gift of missing you That is correct. You can't miss what is still in your face. Disappear so he can think seriously about what he feels for you. There is another thing he said that during this whole "space" thing that if something is going on to let him know or reach out if I am having a hard time with anything not just the "break" from the relationship. He's calling the shots. No, you do not need to let anything. HE needs to let you know if he is IN or OUT. He's keeping you on a dangling carrot.
Author aarmpa Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 The one thing that I am afraid of is not being able to follow through on the NC. The first time I was able to do it but when he asked me the second time that was two Sundays ago, after three days I was so upset and crying I called him. Now I know that is not right but I am afraid I am going to do that again before he contacts me or I make the final decision to contact him (which I don't plan to until at the earliest 4/16. I am going to do it then because basically I feel some kind of decision needs to be made by then and if he doesn't make it before then I am going to have to.
Author aarmpa Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Like I said in an earlier post I had to call my boyfriend yesterday to see if I left my cell phone in his car than I found it so I called back saying I found it. Didn't speak to him either times just left messages and told him he doesn't have to call back. Now this morning he sent me an email thanking me for letting me know and calling me hon in the salutation. Why does he keep confusing me like this??? My emotions are all over the place.
stillafool Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Even if it was too busy at church to ask him "what do you seek to gain by asking me for space?" "what answers are you searching for by asking me for space?". You could have called him and had the conversation. You are letting him take total control and you don't even know his reasons. I think you are afraid to ask him these questions for fear of pushing him further away. Don't let him keep you in limbo. Find out the above reasons for your own sanity and then give him more space than he asked for. The reason he's still affectionate towards you is because you let him. I wouldn't let him touch me again until I knew what his plans were. Show him you can be strong. Don't you want to know why he asked for space, what he hopes to gain, and how long it's going to take?
Author aarmpa Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Wouldn't calling break the NC rule? I really don't want to see him at this moment and if I call him I know him well enough that he would want to come over and then I would get overly emotional. I probably should of asked these questions a long time ago and I didn't. He asked for space because he wants to make sure that marriage would be the right step (divorce is not an option). Although everything he has said and done regarding behavior up to now would in MHO would make marriage the next step. I do agree with you about the affection, that is my fault. I am not going to wait forever for him to make a decision.
stillafool Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Wouldn't calling break the NC rule? I really don't want to see him at this moment and if I call him I know him well enough that he would want to come over and then I would get overly emotional. I probably should of asked these questions a long time ago and I didn't. He asked for space because he wants to make sure that marriage would be the right step (divorce is not an option). Although everything he has said and done regarding behavior up to now would in MHO would make marriage the next step. I do agree with you about the affection, that is my fault. I am not going to wait forever for him to make a decision. No, not if you are trying to find out answers. You can tell him not to come over that you want these answers for your piece of mind. Yes you should have asked these questions earlier but it is not too late. You shouldn't give him any affection until you know what he is going to do. Stop letting him control the situation.
Author aarmpa Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Well as far as how long of a break it will be, that is a decision that I am going to make. If within three weeks we haven't sat down to talk about this than I am going to initiate the conversation because at that point it will be two months and if he still is in a quandry I'm not going to wait any longer.
stillafool Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Well as far as how long of a break it will be, that is a decision that I am going to make. If within three weeks we haven't sat down to talk about this than I am going to initiate the conversation because at that point it will be two months and if he still is in a quandry I'm not going to wait any longer. Which week are you in now? The next time he calls or tries to communicate ask him the questions you need to know or tell him not to contact you until he has gotten the required amount of space he needs to make a decision. Tell him it is too difficult for you to keep being pulled back and forth this way. Do you mind my asking your ages?
Author aarmpa Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 We are both 43 and neither of us have ever been married. This will be the beginning of week six. So if I don't hear anything between now and the 16th of April I will contact him. I would rather do this on the weekend only because timewise it is easier and less rushed. Before then I have stuff going on during my weekends and so does he. Like I said earlier there have been a couple of days within that time we have been together but 99% of the time we were either apart and/or not communicating. On a different note, I do think that if I end up initiating contact he will get real nervous about the outcome of our discussion. I say this because of an event in our past. We had a silly arguement last year and the next day I called him to tell him I wanted to come over that same day (I wasn't going to break up with him just needed to clarify some things). Anyway as I said before he is very religious (we both are) and when I got there he was stressed out and praying his rosary. I'm just tying this in with his behavior now of being very affectionate and endearing but at the same time wants some space.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I see what you are saying. Yes wait until the 16th. I hope you don't have a communication problem in your relationship where you don't want to talk about subjects that may upset him. That can be hard in a marriage. Communication is the key. But again, given what you said I think it's best you wait also.
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