Mimamo Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I find myself constantly thinking about leaving my husband. I'm not sure why. He's a great provider, great father, great person...i just feel so Meh about him. I have no interest in having sex with him. None at all. I can't even remember the last time we did. I feel bad that I am not holding my end of the marriage up that way but I really don't want to have sex with him. I don't think it's a low libido, I do have sexual fantasies...not with any REAL people that I have ever met in real life...more like celebrity crushes lol Sad isn't it? We were just married in august 09 been together for 7 years and have 3 kids together. I don't know if we were meant for eachother. I don't think there is any draw there for either of us. I feel like we love eachother because we are the mother/father of our children and that is all. I don't really enjoy his company and no longer feel any attration to him and it's been this way for long enough that it's a constant in my thoughts to think about leaving him. I have never told him that I have felt this way, though I have told him I think we both are just here for the kids. To which he doesn't have much to say to. He's not a good communicator and now I feel like this subject is just a big elephant in the room that is not getting acknowledged I just wanted some feedback from so neutral parties. To my friends I have it all. A nice house, a husband, 3 beautiful children, a very comfortable life. is it normal to feel like you don't really love your husband anymore? is this what happens after you have kids and get married?? Another thing to mention is that I feel he is not very supportive of me. He's 8 years older then myself and was well established and financially fit before i met him. I started having kids at 23 (i'm 27 now he's 35), which disrupted my schooling and I never was able to have a career. He wants me to stay home with the kids until they are deep into school (3,2,1) and doesn't want me to continue my education until I'm much older. I do not contribute financially at all which bothers me (not him) It bothers me that I have to rely on him so heavily for everything. He doesn't understand this and tells me that I have what every woman dreams of. I have attempted a number of times to work part-time and i always end up having to quit because of him. He tells me he shouldnt have to balance his schedule for my lower paying job :S I feel kind of controlled in this aspect. It brings me to tears the amount of control I feel I have over my own life. I have some resentment here...i know sorry for the babble. help...i think?? how do i bring up how I am feeling? Obviously leaving him is a last resort. Just not sure why I think about it so often....
just_some_guy Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 The sexual desire is lost because there are deeper issues in the marriage. You're already talking about them. Resentment kills sex pretty fast. It's time for some individual counseling and some couple's counseling. I think it could work for you both.
threebyfate Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I have to call you on this. How did he force you to have three kids and not work? Did he tie you down?
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 The sexual desire is lost because there are deeper issues in the marriage. You're already talking about them. Resentment kills sex pretty fast. It's time for some individual counseling and some couple's counseling. I think it could work for you both. BS, the issues start with her. she's the one with the problem! God I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Did you marry him because he was "a good catch" ~ had a good job, a good income with benefits, all the makings of a good Dad? A lot of women do, only to come to regret it? And then a lot of women get to thinking that there's a lot more to life than cleaning house, and doing Susy Homemaker chores, and that if the could by divorce that the world would be their oyster. Only to find that they're not the HB10 (Hot Babe 10) that were back in the day. They don't understand that their sexual-attraction value has gone down, and that without a a good paying job? They're actually are more of a liability than they are an asset, especially when bring two to four children with them from a failed marriage with another man. By this time, the pool of available men are the rejects, losers, or men who have gotten @zz-raped in family court and are in none to great of a hurry to get involved in another relationship let alone a marriage. By the time they're sitting around in their little crappy two bedroom apartment, dreading to go in and work their dead-end, going no where fast crappy, boring, monotonous, job? They begin to realize that the X wasn't so bad after all, and that the life they had wasn't as bad as they had thought it was? There are more female to male births out the gate. Because of the nature of men being men, and entering into the professions they enter into? (Men do some crazy and dangerous thngs ~ such as ride motorcycles, join the military, para-gliding, skydiving) ~ as time goes on? There are even less and less men in the available dating pool. Relative to any one given age? Pretty much by the time a woman or man has reached their late thirties to early forties? The pickings get pretty slim. That's not to say there aren't some good ones still out there? But all the low hanging fruit has already been picked over. Bachelors know more about women than married men, if we didn't? We'd be married. I would think long and hard before I took that leap of faith that you life would be better off without the DH. For now? I would step back from the edge and learn, educate yourself, and keep posting. You've much to learn Grasshopper.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 We were just married in august 09 been together for 7 years and have 3 kids together. I don't know if we were meant for each other. I don't think there is any draw there for either of us. I feel like we love each other because we are the mother/father of our children and that is all. I don't really enjoy his company and no longer feel any attraction to him and it's been this way for long enough that it's a constant in my thoughts to think about leaving him. I have never told him that I have felt this way, though I have told him I think we both are just here for the kids. To which he doesn't have much to say to. He's not a good communicator and now I feel like this subject is just a big elephant in the room that is not getting acknowledged[/quote "Ah! The hound is afoot my Dear Watson!" One is that like most couples you've got a "communication" problem. Most men are not very good at communicating on the same level as women do? Indeed women typically use between four to six thousand words a day to a man's typical two to three thousand. Its has to do a lot with how men and women's brains have evolved and and are literally hardwired. And there's literally such a things as "cross-gendered" communication, in that women and men communicate differently. To keep it brief and short, men tend to use short direct communication, and women tend to use long, descriptive in-direct communication methods. This can get tripped up even more by the English language. Ask anyone who speaks a different language other than English about how hard it is to learn to speak English. Never thought about uh? Take the word to? Which one are you referring to? To, two, or too? How about there? Did you mean, there, their, or they're? Then there's imply and infer? Infer are the words you meant for me to hear, when you spoke them, while imply are the words I hear when you said them. Not all together one and the same. And then there's body language? 90% of all communication is through body language. Something women are very astute to and men are by and large obtuse to.
Author Mimamo Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 there are lots of issues that I have and that he's had that have lead me to feel this way. It's hard to get into the nitty gritty of it all in one breath example. when i was pregnant he found me less then desirable. He told me he didn't find pregnancy attractive on me and proved it in his actions by paying little attention to me. So there goes nearly 3 years of our relationship where i felt he wasn't attracted to me-because he wasn't I also found him on dating sites on our comuters history -i was NOT looking for it. which also hurt. this was 3 years ago and I do not believe he ever signed up for any again. Honestly I haven't looked because I do trust him. I spent a lot of our relationship alone because of the type of job he has (sends him away for months at a time) Maybe I just got used to being by myself. who knows. He didn't force me to have kids. I never said that. I wanted to have kids.WE BOTH wanted to have kids. I also wanted to have a career. And I can not afford to do that myself- I just wanted to be met half way and haven't been at all. I can't afford to finish university without us paying for it. US- like he has to agree to it too. I can't afford the childcare.... Obviously, it is something we should of mapped out better and communicated about before having kids. I'm sure that most people don't, judging by the posts on here. I carry a lot of weight and pressure from doing everything. I'm not even kidding. We bought an older home with big plans of renovations and I've done a lot of them myself while he sat back and watched and we hired the things I couldn't do out. Keep in mind being pregnant most of the time so yes I do have issues lol A LOT of them!!And he knows. It's not like i've kept it all bottled. I'm like a broken record and at this point why should I bring it all up again and again and see no results? sigh. Counselling might be where it's at for us...never thought I would end up there... I am embarassed that this is what I'm thinking....but I also know that most marriages aren't picture perfect like they might seem AND BTW.. I am a HB10:cool: Just wish i felt my husband felt that way and maybe I wouldn't of made a mountain out of a mole hill and pushed myself so far away. I married him because I loved him not sure what's happened over the last 7 months. Things are piling on top of eachother. My thoughts of leaving don't lead me to another man. I do not believe I need a man to be happy- just feels like a lopsided partnership over here!
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 As I said, its going to take time to work all of this out, and from your most recent post? It sounds as though your DH is a complete, and absolute dumb@zz. Not his fault, he just doesn't have a clue. And it obvious to me that your not happy and content with your current situation and that something has to give. The pressure it there. Its obvious to me that you need to be you, and have a life outside of being just a mother, a wife, and a homemaker. (God I would go freaking nuts inside of two days of it) Part of the emotions that your expeircing is shown in the movies, "Thelma and Louise" and "Fried Green Tomatoes" I just wished the XHEX was capable of expressing her un-happiness to me, and spelling it out like a four year old could understand before she dropped the "D" bomb on me!
threebyfate Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 The reason why you're not in control of your life, is that you're not taking control of it. Go back to work part-time and start saving, so you're not relying on him for everything. With the household funds, start tucking away $20/week, biweekly or monthly, whatever isn't noticeable. Keep doing this until your tuition and books are paid for. If he tells you he shouldn't have to balance his sched for your part-time job, tell him you shouldn't have to do the renos on your home by yourself. It sounds like you live in the short-term, rather than the long-term. Time to change this, one day at a time.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 The reason why you're not in control of your life, is that you're not taking control of it. Go back to work part-time and start saving, so you're not relying on him for everything. With the household funds, start tucking away $20/week, biweekly or monthly, whatever isn't noticeable. Keep doing this until your tuition and books are paid for. If he tells you he shouldn't have to balance his sched for your part-time job, tell him you shouldn't have to do the renos on your home by yourself. It sounds like you live in the short-term, rather than the long-term. Time to change this, one day at a time. Agreeded! Its time for all of this about a little about yourself and assert yourself!
Author Mimamo Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 what the heck is XHEX? lol can't figure that one out I do have a savings account that has built up quite a bit over the last couple years -enough that it was surprising to me but not enough to do anything with yet. I have tried the part time work thing. it doesn't work. he won't meet me half way. ie. Leave the office before 6pm so I can avoid child care costs and work in the evenings. I don't know how much childcare is going for in the US but up here in the "great white north" in particular, in my city...it's not cheap... at all. especially X3 . I have zero family here. They live + 4000kms away-so relying on G&G is out of the question. It's not that I haven't tried. thanks for all the replies. feels better to put it out there for sure
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 XHEX = The X that was the Hex on my life! The Hex that I carried for 12 damn years. From your last post I don't really think its about the money or any additional money that you would bring in from such as it is about your being getting out and about and having a normal conversation and interaction with other adults. My last LTR GF was a school teacher, that taught first, second, pre-school, kindergarten, etc. I use to have to peel her off the couch to go to bed she would be so exhausted from riding herd over a bunch of children all day. I've already mentioned the communication problem ~ but now that you've posted more, its seems to me that you've come to the conclusion and question of ~ "Is this all there is of me and life? And the answer is NO! But the DH is comfy and satisfied with that your life is as it should be. I don't know if your a "reader" (in that you read books, most aren't) But let me suggest a book to you. "How To Win Back The One You Love" its about communication, opening a dialog, and how to deal with the eight pound gorilla in the room!. Granted you and the DH have other issues, (mainly his) but the first thing you need to work on is communication.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) The fact of the matter is? Your love is in jeorpordy! Edited March 24, 2010 by Gunny376
tojaz Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) Mimamo, I read your posts and they may very well have been written by my ex. I had always thought we had communicated well but in the end, she held back a lot of resentment over not leading her life the way she had hoped. Hopes she had never shared with me until she felt the only way she could accomplish them was without me. Sad thing is I thought I was doing everything right, made the right moves, planned for our future. When she decided she wanted more out of her life and to build her career we didn't have a heart to heart, she didn't tell me her concerns and look for a resolution to save the relationship. She had reached a point where she resented me so much that she saw no other option but to cut and run. No talk, no counseling. She had her opinions and she made up mine for me, concluded i could never accept the things she wanted in her life and dropped a big bomb at my feet. Had she shared these things with me, she would have found that she was wrong! It sounds like he loves you and it also sounds like you still love him, but long for a more fulfilling life. I don't want to put words in your mouth though. Talk to him, counseling, what ever it takes if you want to save it because once you throw the big D out there, hes going to panic. hes going to beg, hes going to do a lot of things in a hurry, but the one thing he probably won't do is listen. I couldn't! Instead I tried so hard to save it, I helped her burn it down, and here I am a year later, still miss her, still putting the pieces together, and still kicking my own azz! Heres a bit of what it might be like for him. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=13132314 TOJAZ Edited March 24, 2010 by tojaz
onedayatatyme Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Did you marry him because he was "a good catch" ~ had a good job, a good income with benefits, all the makings of a good Dad? Hmmm... I wonder if that's what my wife did. Recently dropped out of college girl sees recently graduated guy with good job from a stable upbringing. Must be careful not to repeat that the next go round, if my marriage ends in D By this time, the pool of available men are the rejects, losers, or men who have gotten @zz-raped in family court and are in none to great of a hurry to get involved in another relationship let alone a marriage. Ouch, I'm going to be in that pool of men soon. By the time they're sitting around in their little crappy two bedroom apartment, dreading to go in and work their dead-end, going no where fast crappy, boring, monotonous, job? They begin to realize that the X wasn't so bad after all, and that the life they had wasn't as bad as they had thought it was? This is exactly what my W has to look forward to, except I'm not sure she'll qualify for a lease.
onedayatatyme Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 there are lots of issues that I have and that he's had that have lead me to feel this way. It's hard to get into the nitty gritty of it all in one breath example. when i was pregnant he found me less then desirable. He told me he didn't find pregnancy attractive on me and proved it in his actions by paying little attention to me. So there goes nearly 3 years of our relationship where i felt he wasn't attracted to me-because he wasn't I also found him on dating sites on our comuters history -i was NOT looking for it. which also hurt. this was 3 years ago and I do not believe he ever signed up for any again. Honestly I haven't looked because I do trust him. I spent a lot of our relationship alone because of the type of job he has (sends him away for months at a time) Maybe I just got used to being by myself. who knows. He didn't force me to have kids. I never said that. I wanted to have kids.WE BOTH wanted to have kids. I also wanted to have a career. And I can not afford to do that myself- I just wanted to be met half way and haven't been at all. I can't afford to finish university without us paying for it. US- like he has to agree to it too. I can't afford the childcare.... Obviously, it is something we should of mapped out better and communicated about before having kids. I'm sure that most people don't, judging by the posts on here. I carry a lot of weight and pressure from doing everything. I'm not even kidding. We bought an older home with big plans of renovations and I've done a lot of them myself while he sat back and watched and we hired the things I couldn't do out. Keep in mind being pregnant most of the time so yes I do have issues lol A LOT of them!!And he knows. It's not like i've kept it all bottled. I'm like a broken record and at this point why should I bring it all up again and again and see no results? sigh. Counselling might be where it's at for us...never thought I would end up there... I am embarassed that this is what I'm thinking....but I also know that most marriages aren't picture perfect like they might seem AND BTW.. I am a HB10:cool: Just wish i felt my husband felt that way and maybe I wouldn't of made a mountain out of a mole hill and pushed myself so far away. I married him because I loved him not sure what's happened over the last 7 months. Things are piling on top of eachother. My thoughts of leaving don't lead me to another man. I do not believe I need a man to be happy- just feels like a lopsided partnership over here! You sound much like my wife. I HAVE to agree 100% with Gunny. This is still a communication problem. I hate to make it sound so simple because it might not be simple to fix, but I promise you one thing: All the things you "think" you've said clearly and that he isn't responding to? It's because he hasn't gotten the message. Not because he's an idiot. Not because you're an idiot. Avoid placing blame at all costs. YOU should start figuring out what YOU can do to improve the communication situation. YOU are the only one YOU can change in the relationship. Lead him into better communication. I wish someone would have given me and my wife this advice a year ago. Now I think it's too late for us.
onedayatatyme Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I have tried the part time work thing. it doesn't work. he won't meet me half way. ie. Leave the office before 6pm so I can avoid child care costs and work in the evenings. I don't know how much childcare is going for in the US but up here in the "great white north" in particular, in my city...it's not cheap... at all. especially X3 . I have zero family here. He's thinking purely dollars and cents on your part time job. He considers his time more valuable than yours because he makes more. It is a purely logical approach that completely ignores your emotional need to get out of the house. I know this because I did it to my wife. For us, it was easy to fix. Just a couple of MC sessions and the counsellor explained it very simply to me. That the part time job was not for money. It was for W's sanity. How much was W's sanity worth to me? Well it was worth alot, when the MC put it that way. It was worth making some sacrifices for. Before a professional therapist put it to me so simply, I just didn't understand W's need to get out of the house and have some adult interaction.
onedayatatyme Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Mimamo, I read your posts and they may very well have been written by my ex. I had always thought we had communicated well but in the end, she held back a lot of resentment over not leading her life the way she had hoped. Hopes she had never shared with me until she felt the only way she could accomplish them was without me. Sad thing is I thought I was doing everything right, made the right moves, planned for our future. When she decided she wanted more out of her life and to build her career we didn't have a heart to heart, she didn't tell me her concerns and look for a resolution to save the relationship. She had reached a point where she resented me so much that she saw no other option but to cut and run. No talk, no counseling. She had her opinions and she made up mine for me, concluded i could never accept the things she wanted in her life and dropped a big bomb at my feet. Had she shared these things with me, she would have found that she was wrong! It sounds like he loves you and it also sounds like you still love him, but long for a more fulfilling life. I don't want to put words in your mouth though. Talk to him, counseling, what ever it takes if you want to save it because once you throw the big D out there, hes going to panic. hes going to beg, hes going to do a lot of things in a hurry, but the one thing he probably won't do is listen. I couldn't! Instead I tried so hard to save it, I helped her burn it down, and here I am a year later, still miss her, still putting the pieces together, and still kicking my own azz! Heres a bit of what it might be like for him. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=13132314 TOJAZ Man, tojaz, you and I are brothers in our experience. OP, I second everything tojaz said. There is absolutely no shame in going to MC. I never thought I would have to. It is not gruelling, in fact I find it quite comforting to have a third party who is sympathetic and validates both people.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Ouch, I'm going to be in that pool of men soon. Not really? Good men and women that have the potential of making good "Life-mates" are like good jobs. Their out there, and do exists. But they're hard to come by and hard to find. People that have them intend to hang on to them, plan on keeping them, and your just about going to have to kill them to get them away from them. When one pops up on the 'market' they don't tend to stay there for very long before someone snacthes them up with comments such as "Where have you been all of my life!", "I'm so happy your X broke your heart to make you the perfect 'you' for me!" and "Your X was crazy to have gotten rid of you!" And the crazy thing about it all is 9 out of 10 times it all comes down to a lack of communication.
tojaz Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Man, tojaz, you and I are brothers in our experience. OP, I second everything tojaz said. There is absolutely no shame in going to MC. I never thought I would have to. It is not gruelling, in fact I find it quite comforting to have a third party who is sympathetic and validates both people. MC is a powerful tool if both parties are willing to put in the work, but only if. My one and only MC session only lasted about 2 min. long enough for her to tell me she wouldn't be participating in MC. Her reason.....She was deathly afraid that she would change her mind and the marriage would be saved! :mad:! Yeah, resentment runs deep. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Man, tojaz, you and I are brothers in our experience. OP, I second everything tojaz said. There is absolutely no shame in going to MC. I never thought I would have to. It is not gruelling, in fact I find it quite comforting to have a third party who is sympathetic and validates both people. MC is a powerful tool if both parties are willing to put in the work, but only if. I agree with both posters here, MC can work, but both have to be willing to bring themselves and their issues to the table. If your ex is unwilling, then the only thing you can do is work on you. My ex went to one session way back before we even got married....said we didn't need MC, we could just buy a book. Next time was during separation, he determined he didn't have any problems, I am the one with all the problems. I have one less problem today....starting to realize that's a blessing. :D
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