He wants a break and Its all my fault

[devastated83]

Hi-Please please could someone take the time to ready my post (im so sorry its so long) and give me some advice?? I really feel I need an objective opinion about the break/break-up I am currently experiencing with the boyfriend because my judgement is so clouded at the moment He broke up with me/we went on a break on Sunday so it is 3 days and counting

 

Background story (i apologise in advance for the novel!): We met last August in a club local to me, however he actually lives about 45-50 mins away. We went on a few dates-he was/is really perfect, treated me well, always texted me and called me when he said and after a few dates we made it official. When I first met him I was aware that he was studying for his Chartered Accountancy qualification which I have had a friend do and she said it the is hardest most stressful and time consuming thing she has had to do I he was completely open and honest about the fact that he spent most of his time studying and it pretty much made him miserable! He is also a gym junkie and is really big so he has to go at least 5 times a week to maintain his build. I knew when I met him that his days basically consisted of working a full time job, then the gym , relax for a bit then studying till 12-1pm at night with the odd night off at the weekend to see friends or me once we had got together. When we first met he was really open about the idea that eventually he wanted to move round my area so I though well i’ll give this a chance. Anyways so up until Sunday he was pretty much the perfect boyfriend-he suggested we move in in April so we could see each other more about 2 months into our relationship and once he had said that I’ll admit I went off the deep end making plans, slagging off where he lives currently-basically he is a nice guy and because he treated me so well I took advantage of that and have had this ‘its my way or the highway’ attitude throughout our relationship-I would say things like ‘ I would never ever move over to where you live’ Also when I drink I can get quite mean and I have said some shocking things to him-a few months back I said to him ‘people must look at us and think what is she doing with him’ and a few weeks ago I called him up drunk on a work night and declared all the guys at work where trying to crack onto me. I now feel truly ashamed of the way I have treated him-he is such a decent guy and I have constantly berated him, and critiscised him and I get the impression he is already really insecure and I have just chipped away at his confidence. Anyways 4 weeks ago we went on holiday and it was really good-we didn’t argue at all, except of course for me making the odd nasty comment to him. I got the impression though that he was changing his mind about moving in because he had stopped talking about it-so of course, i would be going into sulks and stressing myself out and convincing myself that I would dump him if he didn’t move over here cos otherwise what kind of a relationship is it only seeing each other 1-2 times a week (actually I realise it was a really good one-I was just being completely unreasonable because I felt I should always get my own way-pathetic I know) So we got back from hols a few weeks ago and there has been a tension between us because I have been going into sulks-I was also really pissed off with him cos I felt like he wasn’t contacting me enough during the week- it went from 1-2 emails a week in the beginning which for me is fine-I don’t want or need to talk or see someone everyday-been there done that with another boy-doesnt work) but it was getting to the point where it was always me in general having to call him-please bear in mind this was only a couple of weeks this happened and conincendently he had a huge assignment which was due at the time (he would get up while I was still in bed to study for so it was pretty full on!) So I called him up on it and he sent an email back saying he was literally just about to email me, but the last few nights he had been having 1-2 hours sleep a night working on this assignment and had been flat out at work too. He said he was sorry and it was no excuse and that he was about to ask if I wanted him to come stay over on Sat & Sun night but now it sounded like I didn’t even want to see him. So of course I said don’t worry about it, etc and I thought we made up, the next morning I came to work to an email saying he loved me and would call me and he did that night. Then on Saturday he called me about an hour before he was due to arrive saying he’d just woken cos he had been out with work people the night before and therefore was it ok if he just stayed till 10pm on Sunday instead of sleeping over so he could go home and prepare for this course he had on Mon & Tues as he hadn’t done enough study that day. He was perfectly reasonable about it but of course because Im a child I kicked off and when he arrive I gave him the silent treatment – just writing this makes me so ashamed .He kept on asking me why I wasn’t talking to him etc and he fell asleep before me and when I went to bed he snuggled up to me and said ‘i love you’ twice. Anyways the next day i said what do you want to do and he was like ‘ just stay in bed and watch movies as he was tired’ so again I kicked off saying I wasn’t going to waste my day and if he wanted to do that he should just go home. So from then on he was really quiet and I said ‘are you going to dump me’ and he was really quiet. Eventually I managed to get out of him whilst he was crying that he no longer wanted to move in as he wasn’t ready and didn’t think he would be for a while and how can we carry on as we were if only six months in we were fighting everytime we saw each other. I said some stupid things like telling him I had been considering ending it if we didn’t move in (which I realise now is not the case-we decided way too early to move in and I think my desire to get away from living from my parents made me get carried away. I also said more mean things about being unhappy whilst we were on holiday, and that I saw aspects of his personality I didn’t like-again not true-I was just trying to hurt him cos I was so shocked by him saying he wanted to end things. He said all this stuff about how in the last few weeks his feelings had changed for me, that he still loved me but he didn’t see how we could carry on as we were and eventually down the line it would be a mutual decision. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I want to work at it and he said he thought the outcome would be the same. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me but maybe we should just leave it there. So I said maybe we should we should take a break and see if we meet other people-to which he replied if I slept someone else he would never take me back. He started crying again saying he didn’t know if he was doing the write thing and he wasn’t 100%. I asked him to just tell me now if he didn’t love me anymore because in some ways thats easier as it gives closure and he said no I can’t cos I do love you. Anyways we agreed on a 3 week break-he said I could call him if I liked and I replied ‘will you be calling me’ to which he was silent.

So that night my friend came round to convinced me to send a text saying how much I loved him, that we could make it work, that I should have never pressured him about moving in. He write back with ‘ I love you to but i don’t want to hurt you. I think we need time apart to make the right decision. I hope we can work things out’ I replied that I was so sorry for being so unreasonable and spiteful and that I should never have made such a big deal about the moving in thing and that I so wasn’t ready to settle down (he made a comment that the age diff –I am just 27 and he is nearly 25- and how he thought I wanted more than him-but in reality if I ever talked about the future it was just a response to him telling me I was the one & he wanted to have kids with me) I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t expect to.

Now I am doing the no contact thing but I can’t help but feel like he has gone away with the worng impression of how I feel-I know I can change and I am willing to carry on as we are cos I know he wont be studying forever and I am totally ok with not moving in and I am most certainly not trying to trap him into marriage and kids – I am a bit of a party girl and no way do I want to lose my freedom by settling down whilst im still in my twenties!! He is such a wonderful good guy-all my friends used to say how devoted he was to me and his friends would tell me how much he loved me. I have written a letter explaining all this rationally and non-hysterically-I have stopped with all the stupid immature ultimatums because now I realise how nasty, unreasonable and over the top I have been. I think it is too late because my behaviour has upset him one too many times esp. when he is already so stressed with impending exams

Should I leave it no contact or should I send the letter ?(I haven’t asked for a response I just feel he needs to be completely clear about the way I feel-as I feel perhaps he is convinced am I going to keep getting angry at him all the time and eventually end it anyway) I most defo not will be calling him or texting him or anything and part of me feels like I should just start living like I am single in preparation for the inevitable- OR do you think he is just using all this as an excuse to give me the boot and he really doesn’t love me anymore (probably as a result of my behaviour) and he is letting me down gently? Or has he met someone else? I truly feel disgusted with myself-I have learnt my lesson so bad

 

Please any advice is wanted!!

Edited March 24, 2010 by devastated83

[GrayClouds]

I have to admit I did not read it all, editing would have help, paragraphs even more.

 

But here is my opinion, before you contact him you need to work on yourself. Spend some time to understand why you treated him like you did and figure out what you have to do to keep from doing it in the future. Learn to handle yourself better. You pushing your anger and frustrations on other people, that is at best immaturity, at worst ugly selfishness. Either case you have a great deal of work to do before entering into realtionships.

 

Good luck

[devastated83]

Thanks I think you are completely right- I do need to question why I behave this way-Im pretty sure its a defence mechanism from the last car crash of a relationship I had! And I need to stop it becuase this isnt the first time I have ruined a relationship becuase of it

 

I tried to put in paragraphs but the time limit expired-If anyone is still willing to read the whole post it would be much appreciated-I really just want to know if I have blown it with my boyfriend or whether I should give him a few weeks and then send the letter

 

Thanks!

[GrayClouds]

Thanks I think you are completely right- I do need to question why I behave this way-Im pretty sure its a defence mechanism from the last car crash of a relationship I had! And I need to stop it becuase this isnt the first time I have ruined a relationship becuase of it

 

I tried to put in paragraphs but the time limit expired-If anyone is still willing to read the whole post it would be much appreciated-I really just want to know if I have blown it with my boyfriend or whether I should give him a few weeks and then send the letter

 

Thanks!

 

Again before you even worry about this realtionship you need to first

FIX your issue. It will take time and effort, and likely some professional help. Otherwise you will fall back into the same habits. And I would advice this current guy not to have anything to do with the realtionship until you done that work. For this or any other relationship to work, you really need to address this behavior.