Amie27 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 i know i'm going to seem petty/immature, and 9/10 responses to this will probably be insults, but i'm looking for that special "gem" of helpfulness from some wise soul. whenever i think of my boyfriend's exes from way back when, it really bothers me. but it's not the ones he broke up with that bother me, it's the ones that ended it and hurt him. i feel like he could have easily been married to several different girls because a) a couple of them broke up with him and b) he tried to get them back afterwards. he says he wouldn't have stayed with them anyway, he was just trying to hold on to the comfortability aspect of the relationship. i couldn't care less about any girls in his past that he broke up with. he is friends with them, and i typically think really good thoughts about them. it's the ones that dumped him and broke his heart that i'm really jealous about. i feel like he probably thought they were perfect because it's hard to see people's flaws when they're pulling away from you or dumping you. i feel like he looked back on those chicks as being really incredible or something, since he tried to win them back. most of these things with him happened years ago but they still haunt me. i've never been dumped. probably because i never let it happen to me first. but i feel like i might want to marry this guy. i can't get over his past and i see (via google) that a lot of people have this problem. are there any guys who can shed light on how you think of your exes that dumped you, or why you might have chased them even though deep inside you weren't satisfied in the relationship? blah..
primer Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I am not a guy but I cannot wait to see your responses. My BF's ex bugs me. He financially supported her and her children from a previous marriage. Maybe it was too much work to break up and start a new relationship. I think he would have felt guilty to kick them out; they had absolutely nothing. It finally ended when she hooked up with an old BF on Facebook.
New Again Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Can you explain a little more why this bothers you? I mean, is it as simple as it bothers you that he has gfs in the past that dumped him, or is it more than that? Is he still friends with these girls, do you have specific examples of a behavior or situation that makes you uncomfortable......?
Ilovehim Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Did someone break up with you and you felt as though they were "the one that got away" etc..all the feelings you're decribing sound because maybe YOU believe that when someone breaks your heart, you always ahve a soft spot for them in your heart. I understand what you mean but at the same time..after awhile, alot of people DO get over ex'es. My ex broke my heart and up untill this day I feel as though he thinks i STILL love him and that i always will. It's just this "thought" about when someone breaks your heart, that you'll always have "something there" for them because it wasnt YOUR decision to end the relationship but theirs. But I dont believe this to be true...at least it's not for me, Im completely over my ex and would not like it if my current boyfriend would have doubts or feel insecure because of him. I do understand perfectly what you mean though.
Author Amie27 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 these are nice replies, i didn't get blasted at all! and helpful.. to the 2nd commenter... there is no reason for my insecurity. i'm just an idealist who wants to think that the person i end up with wasn't satisfied before me (I have never been satisfied in a relationship and always ended them). if he was satisfied with other people before me, and wouldn't have broken up with them, i feel jealous of them and i feel like, who's to say he wouldn't still be with them now? who is to say he wouldn't go back to them? i liked how some of the comments just explained that they've been let go before but it doesn't necessarily mean they would go back to the person now. i've just never been in that place, where i was the dumpee rather than the dumper. it sounds egotistical or something but it's just a fact. i don't know what it's like, and we fear the unknown. i've never thought "this is it" or "this person is the one," etc. i've always left relationships in search of greener pastures. this should make the man i end up with feel super secure, that i PICKED him out of anyone else. i didn't just get dumped and end up with him by default. i didn't lose the first couple of ones i wanted (like a football draft!) and get stuck with whoever was best as well as "available." it just bothers me. i know it sounds ridiculous. i wish i understood it myself, then it wouldn't plague me so much.
Author Amie27 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 p.s. to "new again.." he doesn't stay in contact with those people at all (the main ones who dumped him) although he is in contact with a few people who he asked out at some point and they said no. that also bothers me for the same reasons (the question of "is he with me by default"). he doesn't give me any reason not to trust him, which is actually really rare. he's very consistent and honest, doesn't think or talk about his past unless i ask His character/behaviors make him very trustworthy. I just analyze everything surrounding a person, including their past. and I make hasty judgements and i really spend a great deal of time in relationships trying to recover from them.
sally4sara Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It is maybe because you feel that if he didn't show them the door, he might still idealize them. Maybe compare you to them. Like, "Amie is great, but if Sue had not dumped me I would still be with Sue." And if he were thinking like this, it would be hard to compete with someone who isn't around reminding your BF of their flaws. Whatever impression they made on him is set in stone while whatever impression you are making is open to change. Time moves on, and while there are some masochistic fools who seem to want to dwell in melancholy, I doubt he is spending his time with you, wishing you were someone else. I think it is his comment about not wanting to lose the comfort of the relationship while he was in it, even though he can now look back and feel he wouldn't have stayed in the long run. It gives you the sense that he could be in a relationship with you, be dissatisfied and still carry on taking up your time.
Author Amie27 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 very wise. thank you! i think you're right on all counts.
AAlike Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 This isn't exactly the same thing but I had an interesting experience along those lines as well... When I first met my now-wife, she told me about a relationship with a previous BF who was a binge drinker and treated her crappy. He never hit her or anything but he just generally took her for granted and stayed out late and didn't include her in stuff etc. etc. - this was in spite of the fact that he had a kid from a previous relationship that lived with him as well and she had no problem helping him raise during their time together. and to top it all off, HE broke up with HER! We've been together three years now, and I don't really think about this ever anymore...but in the early stages of our relationship, any mention of the fact this guy or her relationship, or even any display of behavior that was clearly a result of her past relationship, would really irk me. I don't really know why - it was probably a combination of: - me just being pissed at the guy for treating her like that - me wanting to be able to say "what the f*ck were you thinking" and/or "what if he hadn't dumped you, would you still be in this situation" but realizing that saying them would be both unnecessarily malicious and completely unproductive. - the fact that it sent up red flags about possible drama, the thing that had kept me out of any very serious relationship up until that point - a subconscious display of alpha male type pride - we all want to think of our wives as this great catch and someone that everyone is jealous of...knowing that somewhere out there is a guy who treated her as expendable, which in turn probably affected the initial stages of our relationship...it almost makes it seem hierarchical - like, why am I so enamored by this girl that this douche bag treated like crap. or you think "I wouldn't expect her to stay with me if I treated her like sh*t, what was so great about this dude that made her do just that?" yes, I know how horrible this sounds and I have since outgrown this mentality but in the initial stages of a relationship I think that anything that seems "imperfect" is tough to deal with. The common denominator between you and I, OP, is that I also have never been dumped. really, I haven't "dumped" all that many people either - for the most part most of my relationships just kind of burned out, or weren't that serious to begin with. I think that never having been in that position is probably making us interpret it very differently than someone who has. this is another reason why dwelling on someone's romantic past is a bad idea. I'm not saying you should be completely in the dark about it, it's totally up to you, but to try and search for answers in it is a totally fruitless activity. to try and put the person that you know in a situation that existed prior to you being in the picture and try to guess what they were thinking is an exercise in futility.
2sure Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I kind of understand your feelings, only because when I was your age and thinking of getting married the first time...I was a bit insecure about that aspect of my boyfriends past as well. You know its wrong, it makes no sense, and its your problem not his. But still, the feeling is there. Think of the women he dated in the past that broke up with him as: BULLETS HE DODGED ON HIS WAY TO YOU.
Author Amie27 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 "I wouldn't expect her to stay with me if I treated her like sh*t, what was so great about this dude that made her do just that?" Exactly!!! Thanks so much for your comment. The whole thing resonated with me. For what it's worth, I feel very understood at the moment. And yes, it's mental, but we do it anyway, huh?
Author Amie27 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 It is maybe because you feel that if he didn't show them the door, he might still idealize them. yes! again, i think this hits the nail on the head. it's so nice to be understood!
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 it's the ones that ended it and hurt him Two reasons there: 1. The hurt affects him. It changes him. It influences the way he perceives relationships, including your relationship. 2. Dearth. He 'loved' them and they dumped him. Feelings of love can be long-lived or perpetual. Also, since you've never been dumped, you haven't processed the feelings of rejection and hurt, so it's difficult to empathize and sympathize with the perspective and its result emotionally. Fear of the unknown. As far as my personal perspectives on 'ex'es' and bear in mind I'm going through a divorce, IMO, if we were compatible, we'd be together, if there was attraction and chemistry at the beginning. We're not (compatible) so we're not (together). Things end for a reason or reasons. Acceptance of that dynamic is key to healing and growth And, yes, I've been dumped plenty. Each one was a learning experience. Good luck.
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