Open communication to... IRL? XD First date?

[VertexSquared]

New name for personal reasons.

 

Anyways, so this girl and I have been talking on eHarmony (we are both college grads in our early 20's -- I live in Manhattan and she lives in Brooklyn) for about a week now, and so far so good -- lately we've been exchanging as many as 3-5 messages per day.

 

Now, my personality type is pretty strange, I think. I hate failing and always like having a plan for success (even if it involves risk, I'd rather at least have failsafes for those risks). "Just wing it" has never worked for me. "Fake confidence" doesn't necessarily bring results for me, either. It'd be like me walking into a chemistry test without studying or something. It doesn't matter how many times I do it -- I'm still going to continue failing! I need to feel prepared before I enter the battlefield, you know? I dislike failing if I know I could have succeeded with a different plan (or a plan to begin with).

 

Note that all of these insecurities only apply to times when I am first meeting someone in person. XD

 

That being said, these are my super basic questions:

 

1. What's typically considered a good first date location?

 

2. Do you feel like first dates are a lot like interviews? I always feel like there's a difference between a "date" where people are assessing compatibility the entire time, versus a "natural meeting" where no such construct may exist to begin with (and may emerge later naturally).

 

3. How many dates do you go on before you choose to continue seeing that person or not? If that person is shy, do you test the waters for a few dates or do you move on? (my main problem is shyness when I first meet someone. After a few meetings, I relax around that person and everything's JUST fine and none of this is an issue. But those initial hurdles are *killer* for me).

 

4. Any other first date tips you think are good ideas (activities/how long things should last/time setting)?

 

5. How do you go about ending your dates if things go well/not so well/if you're undecided/indifferent? Is getting physical on a first date really atypical? How long do you wait? How do things initiate?

 

6. This girl has said that she is somewhat shy -- do you think that this is the reason why she hasn't yet suggested that we meet in person (which is the reason why I haven't yet)? Or is a week of open communication typical? If you weren't interested in someone, you'd have just closed the communication, right? (We've also added each other on FB... may or may not be a smart move) She's seen my pictures and we've spent a fair amount of time getting to know one another and everything.

 

7. My mind's blanking on me, so please fill in the gaps.

 

I've been in relationships before, but they were always "natural." I've never actively sought out someone from a website before or anything. I need to know what I'm doing before I launch into this with my best foot forward. I appreciate any advice -- thanks!

Edited March 23, 2010 by VertexSquared

[sullysteve]

Disclaimer: I don't have experience with online dating, but I figure it's not that much different from regular dating. After all, you still eventually have to meet and date in the person in the flesh. Here's my $0.02 worth:

 

1. Keep it simple. You should be the main attraction of the first date, not the location/activity.

 

2. In some sense they are interviews, but I don't think they should feel like interviews. You have control over this. Steer the conversation away from interview type questions/topics.

 

3. I don't see how asking or getting an answer to question will help you in your preparation?

 

4. See Number 1.

 

5. If it goes well, make a move and kiss her goodnight.

 

6. Don't be overly aggressive or overtly sexual (actually, that's almost never a good idea). Be friendly and casual.

 

Isn't putting natural in quotes, ala "natural", in and of itself unnatural? Good luck.

[Crazy Magnet]

1. drinks/coffee...anything which allows for a lot of conversation. Grab to go cups and walk in Central Park? Check out pug hill? Check out the bridge? In NYC I could just about walk anywhere and have a good time. Nothing in Brooklyn stands out as awesome to walk around in. Sunset Park? It has great views of the city. That's about it.

 

2. I have led an interesting life, so that's what I talk about on first dates. On eHarmony dates, I would glance back at their profile, see if anything looked interesting, and ask them about it to get the conversation going if needed. I see no reason to ignore the means of introduction.

 

3. I only had one internet date I nixed right away. Great personality. I NEVER wanted to see him naked, and didn't want to lead him on. Everyone else I gave at least 3 dates to determine compatibility. I told my current BF (that I met on EH) that I didn't want to see anybody after like 2 real dates. He had hung out with me my entire birthday weekend too. I knew he was dating other people and I wanted him off the market! lol Plus the thought of having to date other people myself made my stomach churn.

 

4. go with what feels natural

 

5. Most guys gave me a hug at the end of a first meeting. Some gave me a hug hello. The BF shook my hand. If you don't want to call her, then don't offer to. If you do, then let her know you'll be calling. Nobody kissed me on the first date after meeting on the internet however the second date always ended in a mini make out session on my front porch. (Poor neighbors!)

 

6. Go ahead and ask to meet. You can't assess real compatibility until you do.

[VertexSquared]

I guess I am just nervous. I am not really sure what to say or how to phrase it. Is a week of communication typically "too long"? I have no idea what to suggest to her or if I need to plan everything first (or simply see if she's interested in the first place).

 

The problem with #2, Magnet, is that we already know a fair bit about one another! We've talked about a lot of the "introductory" stuff that we'd normally discuss on a first date, I guess.

 

On dates do you typically keep to yourself? Whenever I am around anyone I like, I have a hard time even flirting. I don't touch/etc.

 

I just have no idea what I'm doing. XD Dating is so new to me even though I've been in relationships for like four years, lmfao.

[VertexSquared]

Oh man I just thought of something else.

 

What about when everything's over? Usually, if I were in a place where I'd have a car, I'd drive and pick someone up/drop them off. We both use the subway. What's the typical "etiquette" for this sort of thing?