idkwtd Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Ok so my best friend/cousin is dating my ex boyfriend of 2.5 years. Unlike most people, he and I are friends. We were able to see that we are much better friends then bf/gf. Anyways we have been good friends now for over 3 years and we do hang out since we have mutual friends and have a blast, nothing more. About a year ago my cousin was visiting and we went out with my friends which happened to include the EX and had a great time. Both of them were single and kinda in need of friendship so I encouraged them to talk to each other. No other reason then to talk and not be judged by people in their lives. The 3 of us were happy and all the friendships were great. I knew nothing would ever happen because my best friend knows girl code. You don't date your friends EX, NO MATTER WHAT!!! So about 5 months ago they both approached me to tell me that they liked each other. We are all in our mid 20's so this is not like a high school dating situation. At first I was shocked that she would even bring up the idea considering what I had told her over the years about me dating him. Great friend, ****ty boyfriend. Long story short I felt pressured into agreeing with it because even if I said no, something would have still happened. Maybe I should have just said no but I felt like I would be stupid to think that nothing would happen. Come on now, its gunna happen. At this point I have not spoken to my EX since New Years and at this point not talking to my friend. She seems to think that I should be ok with it if she just does not talk about him or what they do, etc. I have NO feelings for this guy except that he was a great friend. However, this is destroying my friendship with her. She is at my parents house all the time visiting, around on holidays and she is pretty much my sister due to how close she is with my mom and I. I don't know what to do about this situation. I told her that she needed to decide what she wanted and to let me know. I can't be friends with her when she is dating or talking to him. My friendship with him is over as well so I really got the short end of the stick. Do I stop talking to her and move on with my life or should I accept them as a couple? I love her to death and if she was not family I would not even be friends with her anymore. This is tearing me apart because I don't think they even thought about how I would feel or step back and say this is not right and we have to back off in our friendship. I myself would never date my friends EX no matter what. HELP!!!
Disintegration Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 So your best friend is also your cousin? Uh, no that is not appropriate for your cousin to be dating your ex of two and a half years. No way would I allow that. That is family and I don't think it is right for family to even try and get your left overs. Yuck that is just so wrong. Exactly, it didn't accure to you to inform your "best friend" to not get involved with your ex because you figured she's be smart enough to not go there. I'm assuming your relationship was physical being that you were together for over two years. Which makes it even more disgusting on their part. I couldn't even imagine my best friend let alone a relative dating my ex of years. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I personally would disown both of them. They obviously don't have common sense or respect for you.
quankanne Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I can't be friends with her when she is dating or talking to him. My friendship with him is over as well so I really got the short end of the stick. can't ... or won't? There's a huge difference you know? I'm gonna play devil's advocate and suggest that because BOTH are your friends, you should try hard to put your feelings about this aside, simply because you care about them. You're a grown-up, and surely you realize that while you personally may find it tacky, the true hallmark of friendship is to not stand in the way of their relationship – you admit they're not rubbing it in your face, and she's trying very hard to be tactful about it – instead of trying to dictate their actions. You're hurt, but you've got to understand that life is going to go on around you despite how you feel. though there's a possibility that they end up together permanently, the probability is that the relationship is going to die a natural death ...
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 So your best friend is also your cousin? Uh, no that is not appropriate for your cousin to be dating your ex of two and a half years. This was three years ago....?? No way would I allow that. "Allow that"...? And you'd have the power or authority to stop it.... how? This poster has three threads going all at once. I answered in another thread. I'm with Quank. Or Quank's with me....
pureinheart Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Ok so my best friend/cousin is dating my ex boyfriend of 2.5 years. Unlike most people, he and I are friends. We were able to see that we are much better friends then bf/gf. Anyways we have been good friends now for over 3 years and we do hang out since we have mutual friends and have a blast, nothing more. About a year ago my cousin was visiting and we went out with my friends which happened to include the EX and had a great time. Both of them were single and kinda in need of friendship so I encouraged them to talk to each other. No other reason then to talk and not be judged by people in their lives. The 3 of us were happy and all the friendships were great. I knew nothing would ever happen because my best friend knows girl code. You don't date your friends EX, NO MATTER WHAT!!! So about 5 months ago they both approached me to tell me that they liked each other. We are all in our mid 20's so this is not like a high school dating situation. At first I was shocked that she would even bring up the idea considering what I had told her over the years about me dating him. Great friend, ****ty boyfriend. Long story short I felt pressured into agreeing with it because even if I said no, something would have still happened. Maybe I should have just said no but I felt like I would be stupid to think that nothing would happen. Come on now, its gunna happen. At this point I have not spoken to my EX since New Years and at this point not talking to my friend. She seems to think that I should be ok with it if she just does not talk about him or what they do, etc. I have NO feelings for this guy except that he was a great friend. However, this is destroying my friendship with her. She is at my parents house all the time visiting, around on holidays and she is pretty much my sister due to how close she is with my mom and I. I don't know what to do about this situation. I told her that she needed to decide what she wanted and to let me know. I can't be friends with her when she is dating or talking to him. My friendship with him is over as well so I really got the short end of the stick. Do I stop talking to her and move on with my life or should I accept them as a couple? I love her to death and if she was not family I would not even be friends with her anymore. This is tearing me apart because I don't think they even thought about how I would feel or step back and say this is not right and we have to back off in our friendship. I myself would never date my friends EX no matter what. HELP!!! I really feel your cousin wasn't necessarily "asking" your permission...even though it was in those terms...she was letting you know what was up in a polite way. Regardless of your convictions, if they are going to see each other they will. The question now is, can you handle this? Now, if you really were "friends" with your ex then it would not be a problem, BUT, and that's a big BUT, if you weren't then I would see this trio impossible, as it would cause you possibly to be jealous. Hey, I know how hard this must be, although we can't control other people, we can only control ourselves and our destinies....
O'Malley Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 At first I was shocked that she would even bring up the idea considering what I had told her over the years about me dating him. Great friend, ****ty boyfriend. You're upset that your cousin disregarded your opinion of your ex; but if you cared about her as a friend (and more as a sister) you have to give her the right to make her own choices. You can't allow or control anything, except how you let this affect you. I'm not about to say that many people would be comfortable with the situation, but that, for your own peace of mind and for your family (your cousin included) you should try to get past this as much as possible. The dynamic of your friendship with both of them may change (as you and your cousin would feel uncomfortable discussing personal issues about your ex) but make the effort to not keep this as a grudge or a negative influence in your daily life.
Mahatma Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Oh please. If you JUST broke up with him, sure that is low to do that... but jeez. It has been 3 years... What makes you think you can just own the rights to the guy forever?
venus-blue Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I absolutely sympathize with how you are feeling. My friend of 10+ years and my ex began dating each other a few years back. She asked me before hand and I said that I was okay with it because I didn't want to be betrayed later. The kicker is that she asked me if I was okay with them dating during a conversation where I was crying to her about my unresolved feelings for him. I thought, "If you are heartless enough to ask, then you obviously don't respect my feelings to begin with." I tried to be mature, but little did I know how it would affect me. She was totally classless about the whole situation, hanging on him, hickies on her neck, she even brought him to do work with us on the farm where we worked. I felt totally disregarded emotionally and it hurt. My own partner was really understanding and had to explain to both of them why I was upset and had to leave work. We all talked and I moved on. We went out together, I counseled her about her new relationship with him, and in the end they broke up, but our friendship has not been the same since. I will never trust her with my emotions again and I don't think that is unreasonable. I have a feeling it would not bother you so much if his new partner was not a close friend of yours. I disagree with those who claim that you are being controlling.
green_tea Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 If you have no feelings for him, then I don't see why you're upset about it.
make me believe Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 You need to find a way to get over this. It's been three years, and at least they came to you in the beginning instead of sneaking around behind your back. You can't dictate who your friend or your ex dates. I understand that it's weird/uncomfortable, but you need to learn to accept them as a couple. And just because he was a crappy bf to you doesn't mean he'll be a crappy bf to her.
Dolos Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 I don't get what the problem is? Clearly you and the guy don't hate each other since you are friends now. You also have no residual feelings for this guy, and im assuming he doesn't have any for you either. Normally I'm against the idea of dating a friends ex, because there's almost always some sort of residual feelings, be they love, hate or whatever, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. I think you just need to deal with it, all you're doing is making yourself miserable for no discernible reason.
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