Men, why would you not invite your girlfriend to a night out with your friends?

[dunnowhat86]

Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and broken up twice and got back together. The first time we broke up because at a drunken night out he kissed a girl and he knew that he needed to sort out his head because he is not that type of person and would never cheat otherwise. 3 weeks later he begged me to take him back.

 

The second time I broke up with him because for the past 2 months I felt he had not been treating me right. He had become more distant and did not want to talk to me as much on the phone and amongst the many things he said was that he felt the spark was gone and that he felt I suffocated him. So i decided that he must not be that into me anymore. This was over christmas, and after 2 weeks he tries to call me (I had been ignoring his calls and texts) and eventually we meet up and he sayd he misses me and that he loves me, but because we had been arguing that much he felt the connection had gone (we had been arguing because I felt like he was so distance to me).

 

So far, we have been having it good. However I feel it is because I am trying to "change" the way I think and act. Just last weekened it was BIG night out with the boys and he took away time from studying(at that time he had exams in 2 weeks time) to go out two nights in a row. I was a bit upset because prior to this, he had never taken time out to hang out with him and I felt hurt that he took out time to spend time with his friends. We got over it and I thought that maybe I was being irrational( this is what I mean that I am trying to change the way I act and thing).

 

This thursday his exams are going to be over and his year is having a big night out. He mentions that in the evening all his mates (10 of them) are having a birthdaydinner for the girl(who he kissed last year). I tried to sound cheerful however I still feel that sting of pain. However what I become upset about is that he does not invite me to come out afterwards to celebrate with him and his friends.

I question him about this(I should not have but I could not help it...) and he says that he did not think about it - but that he thought that I would feel excluded since it is his and his friends end of the exams and not mine. Also I ask him to answer me honestly if he wants me to go - which he answers that he feels like he wants to celebrate with his friends.

 

So I act all nice and say okay that is fine. But inside I am so hurt.... I dont understand why I cant join in the celebration? Why doesnt he ask me to come later? He texts me later saying that he loves me...but then why doesnt he understand what his actions makes me feel? And how can i mention it AGAIN without him becoming angry, or without him slipping away? I dont want what happened last time we broke up to happen again....

 

Please give me advice.... I dont know what to do and I cant tell my friends...not yet .... I am 23 and he is 23...

[sigurpol]

 

and

 

 

There ya go.

 

Sorry, haha.. lemme think of a response, but I wanted to post that link first.

[engravefeelthevoid]

Well indeed sometimes we do it...for several reasons...

 

1-Fear that the GF might like one of the friends (insecurity and jealousy)

 

2-Fear that the friends might disapprove of her and ruin the relationship accidentally...things get complicated when third and fourth parties are involved.

 

3-We may also do it for ordinary reasons of just spending some time off without any pressure.

 

Don't feel bad about it though it's for your own good

[boogieboy]

You have to understand, his friends are all he has if you leave him again. He cant let you into boys night out, because if you break his heart, he cant be reminded of you while he is with them. They HAVE to be separate. if they are school friends, he might not see some of them again.

 

Besides, you dont need to be with his friends, you need to get your own. Have your set of girls that you have a girls night out with.

 

Not only that, you dont want to be somewhere that youre not wanted. He wants to be a foolish guys guy when he is with his friends, and theres probably jokes and things they say that you wont find funny, and he cant chance you taking the fun out of it, and his friends dont want to have to watch their behavior around you either.

 

So you be happy that you get time away from him, he has his own friends, now its time for you to get your own. Once his exams are done, Im sure you will get plenty of quality time with him.

[make me believe]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

This relationship seems pretty doomed. He doesn't want to include you in his festivities because he probably still has something going on with this girl. I mean, it's ridiculous that he is even still "friends" with her, let alone throwing her a party!! It sounds like you two are together more out of convenience than anything.

[sigurpol]

Yea, agree with ^

 

You think after all that begging he did to come back to you, he'd cut his ties with this girl he kissed. I would, at least. I feel that's fair. There's no positive reason to keep in touch with her. So I can't blame you for feeling upset, or left out.

 

Lets say that, okay, he's having this party for this girl he kissed. In my opinion, I would bring my girlfriend along, to kinda say, "Yea, I'm here with her". Sort of a reassurance thing. That's only if I didn't cut ties with this person.

 

Aside from the general question of why I wouldn't bring out my girlfriend on a night out with my friends? Well, I normally would. But yea, sometimes I'd like it to be with just "the guys". Why? I guess because I can act out of character.

[engravefeelthevoid]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

This relationship seems pretty doomed. He doesn't want to include you in his festivities because he probably still has something going on with this girl. I mean, it's ridiculous that he is even still "friends" with her, let alone throwing her a party!! It sounds like you two are together more out of convenience than anything.

 

But then again what if he doesnt have feelings for that girl....what if he really does want some friend time...but he can't explain to his gf that the other girl is just a friend...I think she should know how he feels and thinks some other way...maybe talk to him about it ? be clear about feelings ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I dont understand why I cant join in the celebration?

 

Because the girl he cheated on you with will be there.

 

What to do? How many more chances are you going to give him to hurt you?

[O'Malley]

It's natural and healthy to want to have some time spent apart with friends, but I get the sense that he has never shared that part of his life with you. Have you ever been invited to hang out with his pals?

 

The girl he made out with is no longer merely a friend, regardless of current feelings; it's someone where boundaries should have been mutually discussed and applied. He seems to want the benefits of a girlfriend without the desire to be seen as part of a relationship.

 

As far as the birthday bash, invite yourself along and gauge his reaction to your decision. I find it difficult to believe that none of his friends' girlfriends are going to be partying with them and there is obviously more going on than meets the eye. If he protests or gets upset you can make your feelings clear by the simple expedient of not sticking around him at all.

[sagetalk]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

Sounds like a loser to me. Tell him good bye.

[sagetalk]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

Sounds like a loser to me. Tell him good bye.

[sagetalk]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

Sounds like a loser to me. Tell him good bye.

[FryFish]

Ya. You really cant allow him to be around this girl at all.

[sagetalk]

Boogieboy, did you read the entire first post? He's not having a regular "boy's night." He's helping to throw a birthday party for the girl he cheated on her with.

 

Sounds like a loser to me. Tell him good bye.

[sagetalk]

I have no idea why it posted that many times. Oh well, it was worth repeating anyway .

[Lizzie60]

Poor girl... you need to be waaayyy stronger.. and more importantly... way more independant..

 

Ignore him for a while... don't be so possessive.. he can feel this.. and it's a turn-off...

 

If he really likes you, and you're acting independant, he will crawl at your feet...

 

That's what young people need to do.. I know it's boring and stupid.. but that's the young part of dating.. (immature but necessary from what I see and 'lived')...

 

He is independant, and you're obsessed with this guy.. turn it around now.. and see how it works..

 

Don't let him destroy your self-worth... you need to grow much stronger.. you'll get there.. don't worry.. it takes time and experience..

[dunnowhat86]

I talked to him yesterday and he said that 1) he is going in a big group to this girl's bday dinner and that 2) then they are all going out to celebrate the end of his exams.

 

I explained to him that initially I had felt a bit weird that he is first going to this girl's bday dinner and also that I did not understand why I could not come and celebrate with them later (after the dinner) if its going to be his whole year (female and men) since I know some of them. He said that he never meant that he didnt want me out, that I could come along.

 

But quickly this changed - he was annoyed why we had turned this into a big argument. And asked also why I was not okay with him just going out with his friends(boys and girl) (which left me really confused because he said 5 mins ago that he wanted me to come ).

 

In the end he said that he is tired and needs to go to bed and that if "you come out thats fine, doesnt matter, whatever".

 

It just leaves me perplexed. I cant imagine that he wants to cheat

on me ,since only last week he invited me over when his mum came on a visit. And he was really sweet the whole time.

 

But is it so, that some guys, just wants to keep his girlsfriend separate from his friends circle? Is that how he claims his independency?

 

Let me also say that I only see him in the weekends because from monday to friday we are in different places on placement ( dont even see each other the whole weekend because we both study for exams). So it is not like I call him/text him everyday and am really clingy. I have my own friends and my own activities....which therefore leaves me confused how ONE night is such a big deal?

[dunnowhat86]

Poor girl... you need to be waaayyy stronger.. and more importantly... way more independant..

 

Ignore him for a while... don't be so possessive.. he can feel this.. and it's a turn-off...

 

If he really likes you, and you're acting independant, he will crawl at your feet...

 

That's what young people need to do.. I know it's boring and stupid.. but that's the young part of dating.. (immature but necessary from what I see and 'lived')...

 

He is independant, and you're obsessed with this guy.. turn it around now.. and see how it works..

 

Don't let him destroy your self-worth... you need to grow much stronger.. you'll get there.. don't worry.. it takes time and experience..

 

 

But how do I act that when I dont see him apart from the weekends? Unless I tell him I cant see him that weekend and pretend being busy (I am a terrible lier and he will see straight away that I am lying)?

 

....But then I want to see him when I have the opportunity...

 

Maybe I am obsessed... How canI act all cool and aloof?

[dunnowhat86]

Yea, agree with ^

 

You think after all that begging he did to come back to you, he'd cut his ties with this girl he kissed. I would, at least. I feel that's fair. There's no positive reason to keep in touch with her. So I can't blame you for feeling upset, or left out.

 

Lets say that, okay, he's having this party for this girl he kissed. In my opinion, I would bring my girlfriend along, to kinda say, "Yea, I'm here with her". Sort of a reassurance thing. That's only if I didn't cut ties with this person.

 

.

 

Exactly. And he does not understand it. By him inviting me to their night out after their dinner, would mean so much to me because it would reassure me and also mean that he does include me to his "world" - I am so glad that you understand. Then I am not being irrational for thinking this way...

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are not being irrational. I used to do the same thing your boyfriend did to you. If pressed to take the other person, I'd either cancel my own outing, or make it so unpleasant and clear that I did not want the person around that they would decide not to go.

 

Why? Because I did not want to be seen as part of a couple. I still identified as a 'single' person and did not want to identify as 'so and so's significant other'. Most of the time, it was because I wanted to do things that I would not do in front of whoever my SO was at the time.

 

Regardless of whether he is cheating, or trying to avoid an awkward situation he should understand one thing: he is coming off as someone with something to hide, and it is clearly hurtful.

[Lizzie60]

But how do I act that when I dont see him apart from the weekends? Unless I tell him I cant see him that weekend and pretend being busy (I am a terrible lier and he will see straight away that I am lying)?

 

....But then I want to see him when I have the opportunity...

 

Maybe I am obsessed... How canI act all cool and aloof?

 

My advice: tell him that something came up and you can't go... I'm pretty sure that if you go.. you'll feel uncomfortable.. and you might regret having 'forced' the invite...

 

He will be quite 'shocked' that it's coming from you.. (to not go)...and this might change his 'perspective' .. just try it...

 

You sound extremely insecure... and I bet anything he can feel this.. just give him space.. be independant.. do your things.. trust me.. if he really likes you.. he will be at your feet.. it works every time..

[sally4sara]

Sounds like the real question you should be asking is

"why am I with a guy who doesn't seem to care if his actions betray my trust and comfort levels?"

 

He is helping plan a party for a girl he cheated on you with. He is willing to hang out in public with her around his friends.

Has he ever fully integrated you with his friends and has he ever helped plan a party for you?

 

You are now wondering if YOU are irrational, so you must be feeling crazy. Why stay in a relationship with a guy who makes you feel crazy?

 

Meanwhile HE acts irrational because you spoke up for yourself. That's special; don't you feel special?

[carhill]

He's projecting.

 

End it.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who are more compatible. You're both young. Life goes on.

[phineas]

Sounds like the real question you should be asking is

"why am I with a guy who doesn't seem to care if his actions betray my trust and comfort levels?"

 

He is helping plan a party for a girl he cheated on you with. He is willing to hang out in public with her around his friends.

Has he ever fully integrated you with his friends and has he ever helped plan a party for you?

 

You are now wondering if YOU are irrational, so you must be feeling crazy. Why stay in a relationship with a guy who makes you feel crazy?

 

Meanwhile HE acts irrational because you spoke up for yourself. That's special; don't you feel special?

 

To add on this & what other's said it sounds like he doesn't want others to think of you as a couple anymore & he's trying to get with this other girl.

 

He's all moody because he wanted to be King **** & work two chicks at once & is now realizing he's got himself between a rock & a hard place & is going to look like a POS.

 

To me, when someone starts tossing out words like "connection" it sets off my BS meter.

It's a back burner tactic while they work on someone else.

 

But, I recognize I may just be seeing this because it is so familiar to my own personal situation with my cheating wife.

[In_Repair]

He cheated on you with this girl by kissing her while drunk and then he came clean about it. She was obviously already in that group of friends when this happened and I would assume that they hung around each other frequently. Maybe it was nothing more than a weird moment where they connected somehow and it happened... then it was over and done with. You act like he has been hung up on this girl since that night they kissed, but I don't see it in your posts. There are ten other people taking this girl, who was and still is a part of what is probably a close-knit group of friends, to that birthday dinner. They were friends, and she knows he cheated on you when he kissed her. You think she's going to be happy to see you walk through the door?

 

Look at it like this: If he doesn't show up to the dinner, then he's going to look like a big giant dick to the rest of the group. If he brings you, there is a risk that the night will be ruined... which again makes him look like a big giant dick to the rest of the group. That's why bringing you isn't such an attractive idea to him. He has handled it all wrong, I'll give you that, but don't be so quick to jump to some horrible conclusion here.

 

 

Lizzie, no wonder you can run the game you do. You are quite good at it, aren't you? As a man, women like you both scare and excite me. You have that ability to, at your whim, make a man feel like the king of the ****ing world one minute and then have him crying in his beer the next. I'm not going to say that I can appreciate all the ways that you use it, but it's a damn shame that younger women these days don't have such an understanding of their powers as a female. They make it too easy. A woman isn't going to be respected and appreciated unless she respects and appreciates herself first. You are exactly right here, IMO. If the OP plays it like you said, homeboy might be at that other chicks party, but he's going to be wondering where in the hell the OP is instead of hoping for another drunken kiss from the birthday girl.